To delete messages so husband doesn’t get suspicious

[Rebecca980]

Totally platonic relationship I have with a former work colleague (I was his boss, he was crap at his job so was a bit of a mentor to him. In the end said he should just pursue his music!). 15 years younger than me. Good looking guy, but immature, hipster type.
Anyway, at the time my husband was a bit weirded out by our friendship, but was always a supportive thing. Remember once even invited him to the pub to meet us both when he broke up with his girlfriend and went a bit off rails so took time off work.
Anyway, eventually I had to phase him out as he did keep texting (just friendly) and husband did think it was all a bit weird.
Anyway, the other week he messaged me on FB asking for my number because he had written a song and wanted to sent it on WhatsApp.
Anyway, he sent it, just replied saying it was good and well done. He asked how life was now I’ve left London and I said it was great. That’s it.
Then randomly today he just text whilst we were on the sofa and said “sounds good!”.
Anyway....husband asked who it was. Because I couldn’t be arsed with the aggro or questions about why this guy was texting me again - I said it was one of the girls. I tried to sneakily delete it (had t previously deleted the message history as nothing to be worried about - just panicked in the moment).
He then noticed it wasn’t and now thinks something dodgy has been going on....even though he can see it was just a random song and he’s seen the FB message out of the blue asking for my number to send it to me.
Now he’s off in a sulk and won’t talk to me.
Tried to offer him a cup of tea but he just grunts.
I know I shouldn’t have lied - or tried to delete it - but feel like he’s being a bit stupid and just fancies having a sulk.
He said I should have told him who it was. I said to him that I just couldn’t be bothered with the aggro and it’s only X - so honestly lose either way.
Wish he wasn’t so paranoid, but do accept that perhaps fessing up would have been the lesser of two evils. Just thought I’d get away with deleting it and then it wouldn’t matter....
Have I been totally unreasonable and what should I do now?

I used to lie to my first husband all the time. Which is nuts, because I’m actually known for my honesty.

But I started to lie because, oh man, it was just easier than having to deal with the sulking, lecturing, questioning, passive aggression and silent treatment.

I ended up squishing myself into a distorted shape that has taken therapy, divorce and a new, much happier relationship to straighten out.

And I can’t imagine for one minute lying to my new husband about anything, ever.

Maybe have a think about why you lied. If it’s because you want to keep your ego boost or fancy this lad a bit, then block and delete and do some serious grovelling.

But if it’s for a quiet life - have a think. Do you lie about other stuff - even little things? If so, it’s no way to live.

I can't win
Why do you need to win op?
bizzarely, This thread reads to me like a bloke wrote it.

OP you're deceitful and disrespect and need a kick up the arse

Affairs - full blown physical ones - do not start out of the clear blue yonder!

They start just like you're behaving with this OTHER MAN

Your husband is absolutely reasonable in being hurt, distrustful, concerned about your loyalty to him, unsure of your feelings towards this guy or his towards you

The SECOND you are lying to your spouse about communication with a potential sex partner you're in the wrong.

Your priority should be your husband and your marriage.

Apologise sincerely to your husband and truthfully promise it won't happen again, tell this other guy that it's not appropriate for you to stay in touch, wish him well, say goodbye and BLOCK!

YOU ARE PLAYING WITH FIRE

I don’t think you’re being quite honest here, with yourself or with us I strongly suspect the same

I think this situation is quite different from that! why? Just because you're a woman?! Women cheat too!

So basically we aren't allowed to have friends of the opposite sex? it doesn't sound as if ops husband is jealous/possessive type, but that he has concerns about this particular friendship, this particular man.

He knows his wife well and has likely noticed how she is regarding this man and that's aroused his suspicions and quite honestly from how op is talking here I agree with him!

You're really just making excuses now for why you don't want to lose contact. yep which is also very telling

You say your dh is a "worrier" sounds like he has reason to be!

You and this OM have a history of mutual ego boosting. You described your role as ‘supportive,’ but the bottom line was you enjoyed each other’s attention. Your H was uncomfortable with the dynamic and level of contact.

That should have been the end of it.

When OM recently reached out to reconnect, you kept your interaction a secret from H. When questioned, your first impulse was to lie and delete. You felt entitled to deceive H to suit your purposes. Even now, you are hedging on cutting contact with OM.

You are sabotaging your marriage.

Why on earth are you going on about explaining to the guy about why you're blocking him?

Just block him. No need to explain. Move on.

Cannot believe the responses on here.
Your husband is behaving like a child and you have done nothing wrong. Yeah you lied - so what? You were trying to avoid a load of grief because you knew your husband would not see the text message for what it was - a nothing. Just an ex-colleague randomly messaging you. And all that turning the genders around - I'd still say exactly the same thing.
You weren't bothered by it - didn't mean anything. There's never been any sexual talk, contact, history with this guy.
Your husband is not your keeper. You are perfectly entitled to have contact with, be friends with, and provide support to, whoever you blimin' well like. You're in a marriage not a dictatorship.

I wouldn't be in a relationship with someone who polices my friendships, I have plenty of male friends who text me, DH doesn't care, he has plenty of female friends I also don't care. I frequently don't agree with the 'trust your gut' 'he must be cheating' responses. If someone's going to chest they will, regardless of who you can them from talking to. On here though that opinion gets you sneerily called a cool wife. You shouldn't have lied, but he shouldn't be telling you 'it's unacepptable weird to have a male friend

@MsDogLady calm down, you’re not summing up for the prosecution.

OP, if you haven’t gone running for cover by now, MN isn’t a great place to ask relationship advice if you’ve happened to make a mistake.

People get a bit triggered.

[quote LunaNorth]@MsDogLady calm down, you’re not summing up for the prosecution.[/quote]
😂😂😂😂😂

Honestly the posts on this thread are nutty - meanwhile back in the real world my other half is in a powerful position at work and gets this all the time.

Younger ex colleagues, or ex students (she's gay and these people are even sometimes young women 😱😱) sending her papers or articles they've written because they respect her opinion or she provided mentorship at a time they were struggling. She's a great mentor - they liked her - she's a collaborative person.
In the real world its just normal.

He didn’t need your number when he had you on FB, you can even call someone on there. Sounds like he was looking for an excuse to contact you which is weird, I agree with your DH and the lying makes you look worse.

You look like you're covering your tracks and trying to hide something. Which you were.

Just going to point out that the husband never told her she can't be friends with this guy. If people had read the op, they'd see he offered for them both to meet up with the guy to chat to him while he was down.

He just thought it was weird that the guy was texting his wife a lot, which it is. Sending her a song randomly after no contact? Does he have no other friends? I'd guess the husband thought this guy has a crush on his wife and it does sound likely. Her hiding texts will look suspicious in that case.

It's not a crime for a man at work to develop a bit of a crush. It's not a cardinal sin to notice that someone is attractive. You obviously got on and he thought a lot of your opinion, and maybe there was a connection. I can see why your DH feels uncomfortable with it, because it's the kind of thing that has the potential to go too far. All it takes is for you to keep honest about it. If you think he maybe has a crush on you (the song is a pretty intimate gesture), then I'd be honest with DH that you hadn't expected that and even though the other guy initiated, you weren't encouraging in it and replied platonically. Basically honesty and no drama. I'm not saying block him, but certainly keep private messages to a minimum and very platonic.

So he messaged you on Facebook so that he could get your number so that he could message you on WhatsApp?

Well that's a crock of crap. Anything he could send on WhatsApp he could send on messenger.

He didn't need your number.
He wanted your number.

If I was your husband I wouldn't believe for a second that this was entirely innocent on both sides. Someone's got a crush on someone here.

The fact that you felt the need to sneakily delete it bothers me the most. You say you couldn't be bothered with the aggro, but surely if it was innocent you could have just shown your husband the messages and been done with that.

Now if the roles were reversed, I highly doubt there'd be a lot of trust toward your husband right now.

I have a male friend I used to work closely with. I've moved on now, but still send him a monthly text to ask how he's getting on. My husband knows about him because I've been honest with him from the start. My husband has a female friend at work and I trust him too. I believe platonic relationships with the opposite sex are possible, as long as you are honest with everyone.

It's when you start hiding things that you get into trouble.

My view is that you should be able to have whatever friends you want. Whether there male or female your DH should not dictate who you can and cant talk to.
Saying that once you start lying about it and are caught then it is totally understandable for a partner to be suspicious and to want to question this- not only that it will lead to viewing all other behaviour as suspicious.
Saying that I don't believe the - I just wanted to save the agro line. If your DH was really like that then you should not be with him. If you had told him and he had sulked that would have been his problem and not yours and your trustworthiness would have stayed intact.
I think though you came out with this to give yourself an excuse not to tell him and to make it his fault.
You could have easily so him the messages if they were that innocent and also let him listen to the song ( and told the OM you were going to do that).

I think you do kind of fancy him and you also like the attention. I feel sad for your husband. Block him and move on and respect your husband.

The way I see it, if I have to hide it from my husband then I know that I shouldn’t be doing it.