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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To delete messages so husband doesn’t get suspicious

96 replies

Rebecca980 · 15/06/2020 21:32

Totally platonic relationship I have with a former work colleague (I was his boss, he was crap at his job so was a bit of a mentor to him. In the end said he should just pursue his music!). 15 years younger than me. Good looking guy, but immature, hipster type.
Anyway, at the time my husband was a bit weirded out by our friendship, but was always a supportive thing. Remember once even invited him to the pub to meet us both when he broke up with his girlfriend and went a bit off rails so took time off work.
Anyway, eventually I had to phase him out as he did keep texting (just friendly) and husband did think it was all a bit weird.
Anyway, the other week he messaged me on FB asking for my number because he had written a song and wanted to sent it on WhatsApp.
Anyway, he sent it, just replied saying it was good and well done. He asked how life was now I’ve left London and I said it was great. That’s it.
Then randomly today he just text whilst we were on the sofa and said “sounds good!”.
Anyway....husband asked who it was. Because I couldn’t be arsed with the aggro or questions about why this guy was texting me again - I said it was one of the girls. I tried to sneakily delete it (had t previously deleted the message history as nothing to be worried about - just panicked in the moment).
He then noticed it wasn’t and now thinks something dodgy has been going on....even though he can see it was just a random song and he’s seen the FB message out of the blue asking for my number to send it to me.
Now he’s off in a sulk and won’t talk to me.
Tried to offer him a cup of tea but he just grunts.
I know I shouldn’t have lied - or tried to delete it - but feel like he’s being a bit stupid and just fancies having a sulk.
He said I should have told him who it was. I said to him that I just couldn’t be bothered with the aggro and it’s only X - so honestly lose either way.
Wish he wasn’t so paranoid, but do accept that perhaps fessing up would have been the lesser of two evils. Just thought I’d get away with deleting it and then it wouldn’t matter....
Have I been totally unreasonable and what should I do now?

OP posts:
WeAllHaveWings · 15/06/2020 21:52

That said, if it was the other way around I’d probably want to rip the woman’s head off more than my husbands!

Why? It would be your husband that was lying and being deceitful not the woman. She wouldn't have done anything wrong.

2007Millie · 15/06/2020 21:54

Well quite clearly, whether consciously or unconsciously, you like this other man. And deep down your body knows and you feel guilty because of this.

FrankieDoyle · 15/06/2020 21:57

YABU and you know it. You lied to him.

priya38 · 15/06/2020 21:57

Your husband needs to stop being a baby and trust you. Yes okay you lied and said it was "one of the girls" but like you said you didn't want the agro.

I'd just leave your husband to sulk it off if I was you. If you start pussy footing around him you'll start to come off as more guilty, like you've really got something to hide.

SummerDayWinterEvenings · 15/06/2020 22:02

Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice shame on me.

Trust would be gone for me. Don't lie. Little lie. Big lie. It's a lie.

1Morewineplease · 15/06/2020 22:05

Just think about it this from your partner’s point of view.
Block this guy’s number, move on and apologise to your partner.

Tistheseason17 · 15/06/2020 22:09

YABVU

MissConductUS · 15/06/2020 22:14

Badly played OP. Your partner did not cause you to lie to him. Explain, apologize, block and move on. And somehow I doubt that you'd be texting him if he was short and ugly.

deydododatdodontdeydo · 15/06/2020 22:20

Sure sign of an affair if it was the husband doing it, according to MN.

Original poster
Rebecca980 · 15/06/2020 22:24

@deydododatdodontdeydo

Sure sign of an affair if it was the husband doing it, according to MN.
I think this situation is quite different from that!
OP posts:
Original poster
Rebecca980 · 15/06/2020 22:26

@MissConductUS

Badly played OP. Your partner did not cause you to lie to him. Explain, apologize, block and move on. And somehow I doubt that you'd be texting him if he was short and ugly.
I probably would. Like I said, I had totally forgotten about it. Was just being polite really. Thought it was a bit weird he messaged in the first place as been a good couple of years I think since we last had any contact.
OP posts:
Truthpact · 15/06/2020 22:26

Have you gone and apologised yet op?

If you don't do that soon and accept you were wrong, you clearly like the other man more than you claim.

Original poster
Rebecca980 · 15/06/2020 22:30

@Truthpact

Have you gone and apologised yet op?

If you don't do that soon and accept you were wrong, you clearly like the other man more than you claim.

I have yes. He seems ok. A bit sulky but that’s understandable.

I basically said that I just didn’t want it to cause trouble so thought in the moment would be better to delete, but realise it was wrong.

He admitted he’d have been miffed if I’d have said it was X, but given the messages themselves would have just been like “what’s he doing?” rather than put it on me - and that by deleting it it seems dodgy. But think he gets it and understands

OP posts:
AnneLovesGilbert · 15/06/2020 22:34

You’re lucky he’s so understanding.

Rosebel · 15/06/2020 22:35

So basically we aren't allowed to have friends of the opposite sex? Your husband would have sulked if you were honest too so just leave him to it.

wildcherries · 15/06/2020 22:37

Yes, you are lucky he is understanding.

If this had been the other way around, people would have been telling you he was up to allsorts and being cagey for 'not wanting the aggro.'

Truthpact · 15/06/2020 22:39

@Rosebel

Having friends of the opposite sex is fine, but deleting messages from a friend that your partner is suspicious of is just going to make the situation way worse.

If your partner starts becoming aggressive and saying you can't have friends, that's abusive. But this husband didn't do that, he just had a suspicion that the guy likes his wife, and it kind of sounds likely. He was also worried his wife returned the feelings, which she says she doesn't. But suddenly deleting texts looks suspicious, like they are having an affair.

Marriedtoapenguin · 15/06/2020 22:41

Got to love the double standards on here...if this was reversed, the man would be getting flayed alive.

Honeyroar · 15/06/2020 22:44

I think your husband is a bit weird not liking you having a male friend, but you should’ve told him the truth, so you’re in the wrong too. It just seems a strange marriage.

LovingLola · 15/06/2020 22:44

Got to love the double standards on here...if this was reversed, the man would be getting flayed alive.

Yes.
The op would be told to trust her spidy senses, to check his phone bills, to ask to see his phone, to check all his social media pages, look at his bank accounts, check his emails ....

wildcherries · 15/06/2020 22:46

@LovingLola

Got to love the double standards on here...if this was reversed, the man would be getting flayed alive.

Yes.
The op would be told to trust her spidy senses, to check his phone bills, to ask to see his phone, to check all his social media pages, look at his bank accounts, check his emails ....

Exactly.
ATomeOfOnesOwn · 15/06/2020 22:53

So he's younger, good-looking and you had an inappropriate friendship with him. Then you rekindled it and lied about it to your DH. Then you tried to blame your DH for you lying about it. Lying and gaslighting are not a good combination. You need to ask yourself why you're risking your relationship and your DH's trust for some former 'colleague' you say you don't care about. Because either you're enjoying the flirtation or the drama or you just don't give a toss about your DH's feelings. You've behaved appallingly. And if your DH is on a male equivalent of MN, he'll be getting told that he can't trust you and you disrespect him. And they'd be right.

Ladybyrd · 15/06/2020 22:55

Do a role reverse where your husband's ex colleague, 15 years younger, is sending him songs to review, and he's lying to you about it.

There's your answer.

Zhampagne · 15/06/2020 22:55

Your DH is uncomfortable with this relationship and unless he has form for being jealous / controlling / paranoid (in which case it is a whole other issue) you should respect this and minimise contact.

VenusTiger · 15/06/2020 22:59

You shouldn't have lied, but, if this ex colleague isn't annoying you OP then I don't see why your husband should be dictating whom you are friendly with, it's ridiculous- did you only stop contact because of your sulking dh? And pps suggesting OP blocks the friend, that's so rude, he has no idea he's upsetting her DH. If there's no problem then stop hiding and deleting messages and stop pandering to your DH's self esteem - if on the otherhand the ex colleague is becoming a nuisance then by all means just ignore him and then every so often tell him you're busy until he gets the message, don't just block him.

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