To not buy Nieces/Nephews gifts anymore?

[dontdreamitsover75]

I'm really not sure what to do but feel so taken for granted. I have loads of nieces and nephews (about 13 in total) I am childless. Every Christmas and Birthdays I buy all 13 of them gifts or give money and I feel so taken for granted. Some of them are only young (About 2) but I never receive a thank you from their parents either.
I do not expect to receive any gifts myself but often think a card would be nice, but every Christmas and Birthday I do not even get a card from their parents and it hurts.

I am not childless through choice, I didn't want children until I was 40 and then it never happened, they do not know this.

My Mum died last year and since then they have created their own child centred world which doesn't feature myself in it. They have their own Facebook group (They won't add me on Facebook and have blocked me!) They arrange meals together (always with the children there and holidays together where I have no invite. It breaks my heart.

I always said I wanted to be a Godparent but they used friends as godparents and I did not even get an invite to any of the Christenings.

I try and maintain contact and send texts etc but I am kept out of the loop particularly in regards to the care of my Dad.

My crime? I went away to University and am now a successful GP. We all had the same chances but I worked hard and have a successful career. When my Mum died they seem to think I would relocate back to my hometown despite living away since University. I visit frequently but my life is in London now, my partner his job etc.

What can I do, I hate being viewed as an outcast particularly when I did so much when they were all younger, I have helped them out enormously over the years, but now they all have these family setups that I am excluded from.

Its like being childless and having a uni education has cast me out since they all had their own families.

Where do I go from here?

Did the OP ever come back?! What's the point of posting?

Your too nice to be used as an ATM.
Please sort you will and leave your money to a charity.
I hate family who just accept the Birthday cards and offer nothing back.
Maybe if you withdraw one of your siblings might finally realize they need to step up.

I try and do my share and have a good relationship with my Dad who thinks it is all down to jealousy. I have never lorded my career over any of them and throughout the years right from when they were leaving School I offered huge amounts of support to help them. They all have jobs which I have never undermined.
It is the cruelty of being cast aside from the group more than anything and being blocked from Facebook almost like I don't matter. When I have tried to support my Dad I am basically warned off by one of them and then I am told I am doing nothing to help.
I come from a Northern mining town, I am fiercely proud of my upbringing but I have been told I am "posh" and "lazy" by them before and that I have a charmed life.
I think you may be right I may have to walk away but I am afraid as to what will happen when my Dad dies and I have no further say.

Cut contact and focus on your own life. You don’t need to announce it, you don’t need to do anything to cut contact. You literally ignore them. Why would you send presents to kids you hardly even know? Why would you contact people who are nasty to you? Chop all that shit out of your life and focus on what you want to do.

I had the same situation OP. For years I always remembered my nephews and nieces at birthdays and Christmas, spanning 25 years.
When they had children of their own I gave them too.

When I had DS for a few years it was reciprocated but one year his birthday was completely forgotten. It was the making my child unimportant that hurt the most.
I just contacted them and said not to send any more cards/presents and I would do the same.

They are already excluding you from the family so it’s hard to see what benefit there is in continuing your contact with them.

Appreciate your partner and good friends and ditch these relatives.

I would take a major step back and cut all contact. If they wont add you on facebook and have actively blocked you then they do not want to engage with you. As hard as it is let it go. Why should you spend your hard earned money on their children when they are ungrateful? How would you even know if they tell the kids the presents are from you? If they dont bother with your birthday or christmas they are giving you a clear signal that they dont want anything to do with you. They are not worth you time, energy or finances. Focus on yourself, your own little family and friends. It is hard and I dont mean to be harsh but you have to focus on your own happiness and they are not a part of it x

How often do you visit your Dad after your DM passed ?

Do you phone, social media, letter your Dad, if you live a distance away ?

They exclude you from Facebook, family days & holidays
So why would you continue to send presents

Better to find your own friends or donate to a charitable cause of your personal choice

You don't receive even a card from their parents (your siblings)? Is that because they don't send cards to anyone or is it just you they exclude?

They won't add you on FB and have blocked you - why?

If there is nothing else to this then I would definitely wash my hands of them all but I would speak to them about it first and tell them how hurt I am.

I would personally stop sending any more gifts. Its not appreciated and its awful of them not to send you a birthday or Christmas card. Or even a thank you. I would not be surprised if they don't acknowledge the gifts are from you to the kids.
Unfortunately you can't change some people's behavior no matter how much you want to or how hard you try or how much kindness you show them. Focus on yourself and making yourself happy. Use the money you spend on those gifts to treat yourself or others that treat you well or a charity. You deserve better.

You sound like a wonderful person and auntie.
You could always send a card at Christmas and in it state you are sponsoring a child (will be much cheaper than the gifts you are giving that ungrateful lot yearly) and say much as I have loved giving to you all over the years have decided to sponsor a child in a poverty stricken family in ???? can send ye all the details if ye too would like to sponsor other children too, kind regards.

I have 3 children 2 grown up and young teenager and they always message or pick up the phone to thank people for their kindness.

Keep up the visits/chats with your dad, congrats on all your achievements and sorry
that you are being excluded from their outings etc but it really is their loss.

I could forgive the lack of thanks. The real issue is rejecting you from the family circle. I would just continue contact with your father and keep the siblings at a polite distance. You don’t have to cut them off or block them, just stop trying.

If your father becomes unwell, you may indeed get no say in how things are handled. This is true even in close families. Ultimately one person has to be designated the decision maker. That person can listen to the opinions of everyone else, but the designated advocate gets the final word. That advocate is probably going to be someone who lives nearby. It isn’t personal.

OP you need to stop sending gifts and keep a copy of your original post just incase they ask why, so you dont forget details.

I had it the other way around, i too moved away in a long term relationship and went to uni then did a masters degree but i had 3 children. 3 children we struggled for childcare for whilst i was studying and DH worked full time. We received no help and no calls to ask if everyone was ok.
My siblings stayed at home and were childless.
They did everything together and often left me and my children out. We were not invited to parties or gatherings and the kids got no xmas or birthday gifts.
Then my sister had a baby. All of a sudden i was expected to buy gifts for birthdays and christmas, even babysit and fill in when her childminder was sick etc. When i brought up the fact my children still receive nothing from them i was told i was childish and petty.
Families can be so selfish sometimes.

I do keep in close contact with my Dad. We text daily and speak every couple of days. I pay for his mobile so I can 100% make sure he can stay in touch and get help if he needs it.

I'm glad you and your dad are close.

Would he enjoy coming down to visit you rather than you going up to visit him? Maybe you could use some of the gift 'savings' to pay for his ticket to yours or take him away somewhere for a long weekend, just the two of you.

Cultivate your relationship with him in a way that the rest of your family can't interfere with or horn in on.

They have given you multiple signs, over a prolonged period of time, that they don't want your gifts. So stop.

You think they resent your success (and I agree with others that there is a whiff of superiority there). The reality is that it may be something else that has driven you apart, which you haven't picked up on. Whatever it is, the gifts won't fix it.

Op it sounds as if your siblings are jealous of you. They will ignore how hard you had to work to get where you are now. It is not your niece's or nephew's fault they are not being brought up to thank people who.do something nice for them.

I have 17 nephews and nieces. I am close to many of them but not all. Up until each child is 18 I send them card and gift up until about 12 then card and cash when teens. On their 18th they get double cash. After that just a card.

I am far better off than my younger sister. When her dd went to uni I sent her £30 each month for 4 years to help towards her costs. My niece has now graduated but her brother is in first year uni do now we help him out.

Another nephew fell through government cracks as he had been employee for 16 years then went self employed from Jan 2020. I have sent him money so he can pay council tax.

I try to help nephew's and nieces out financially as I can afford it and they are in need. They always call or text to thank me. My great niece sent me a picture of a rainbow to put in my window. Nephew's and nieces don't always send me birthday card bit many of them do and drawings from great nieces and nephews. Family is very important to me, my parents are both dead but I am close with all of my sisters. Last yeAr I bought my little sister a car when her old one broke and she could not get to work.

Professionally and financially I have done better than my siblings but they are proud of my achievements not jealous.

I have no idea why you would spend your money and effort on people like this.....

Why do families treat childless Aunts so badly?

I’m so sorry to hear how you’re being punished for being successful. Absolutely awful. Don’t they see that your wonderful career is an inspiration to their children? I think your Dad may be right ; they’re jealous and threatened by you. It doesn’t make it any less hurtful though.

Focus on your Dad. For your own sanity I’d stop buying gifts and ‘trying’ with them. Can’t believe you’ve been excluded from a Facebook group. They’re being very cruel. You’re an amazing, caring person who’s done so well and is contributing to society. Sadly, they’re too blinkered to see that and value you. You’ve tried your best. Now focus on yourself, your Dad and your life. You deserve to be happy and not to be made to feel small and worthless by your small minded family x

Why do families treat childless Aunts so badly?

Not sure, but there is some sexism involved I think.

Wow. 13 is a lot to buy for. That must be expensive. Stop buying them gifts. They don’t sound like they appreciate it. I’m not talking about the kids - the parents!

My uncle doesn’t have any children. He always buys wonderful gifts for his nieces, Nephews and great niece and nephew (my two). In return family buy him gifts. I don’t think he expects but he hasn’t got a wife or children, it’s nice to treat him. Who else will?

If you feel rude not buying anything at all. Maybe spend very little - maybe chocolate at Christmas or a colouring book or pens. But I wouldn’t feel obliged.

Sounds awful that you are left out. Hugs 🤗

The other thing to realise is that your siblings aren't thinking of their own children's best interests since you would obviously be a good role model for their kids & be able to help them broaden their horizons. And they don't care that their kids are rude in not thanking you for presents either. That's probably the case in general rather than being all about you. They're not worth your time sadly, and I mean that literally.

I'd definitely get sorted exactly where you stand now. I'm reminded of someone in a similar situation (possibly on MN) who was expected to host a sullen niece/nephew while they attended university. I think the nasty siblings expected the successful sibling to put the child up rent-free for 3 years in the city which they had previously poured scorn upon and then got annoyed when the successful sibling tried to put down boundaries like cleaning and having visitors.

Beware. You too may find yourself going from being ignored to being very useful. Sounded like a nightmare.

Why do families treat childless Aunts so badly?

They don't all do! We had a much beloved 'spinster' Aunty who was a retired school teacher. She was a bright star in all of our lives and her death at 102 was devastating to 4 generations of our family.

You sound like a lovely person OP and they are ungrateful wretches.

I have always been a stickler for saying "Thank you" for gifts and even now that my DS is 15 I still write Thank you notes to those kind enough to think of him.

Of course I would make him do it but he is severely disabled and not able, but I can for him so there is no excuse not to show gratitude.

It reminds me of when my DS was first born. DH and I had been buying for our Nephew's and Nieces for approx 14 years before we had our Son. They used to send us very specific requests say from the argos catalogue, down to item no & page etc.

We were happy to do it even though like you we never got a Thank you.

Just before his first Christmas we got a message from them saying that from that year on they were only buying for their own children so our DS got nothing not even a token gift after all the years of buying for their 3.

Needless to say that was the last year they got anything.

Spend the money on something nice for yourself and don't feel in the slightest bit guilty.