To not buy Nieces/Nephews gifts anymore?

[dontdreamitsover75]

I'm really not sure what to do but feel so taken for granted. I have loads of nieces and nephews (about 13 in total) I am childless. Every Christmas and Birthdays I buy all 13 of them gifts or give money and I feel so taken for granted. Some of them are only young (About 2) but I never receive a thank you from their parents either.
I do not expect to receive any gifts myself but often think a card would be nice, but every Christmas and Birthday I do not even get a card from their parents and it hurts.

I am not childless through choice, I didn't want children until I was 40 and then it never happened, they do not know this.

My Mum died last year and since then they have created their own child centred world which doesn't feature myself in it. They have their own Facebook group (They won't add me on Facebook and have blocked me!) They arrange meals together (always with the children there and holidays together where I have no invite. It breaks my heart.

I always said I wanted to be a Godparent but they used friends as godparents and I did not even get an invite to any of the Christenings.

I try and maintain contact and send texts etc but I am kept out of the loop particularly in regards to the care of my Dad.

My crime? I went away to University and am now a successful GP. We all had the same chances but I worked hard and have a successful career. When my Mum died they seem to think I would relocate back to my hometown despite living away since University. I visit frequently but my life is in London now, my partner his job etc.

What can I do, I hate being viewed as an outcast particularly when I did so much when they were all younger, I have helped them out enormously over the years, but now they all have these family setups that I am excluded from.

Its like being childless and having a uni education has cast me out since they all had their own families.

Where do I go from here?

Never mind the gifts, it's the being ostracised!

Send a card for birthdays and postcards when you away on holiday (to the kids) so you are still in their lives but no more gifts. Kids have so much, they won't notice.

Have you considered the stories they tell themselves to explain their behaviour?

The likelihood is that there are two extreme positions:

Yours: I went to uni and worked hard, they resent the life I’ve made for myself...

Theirs: (making this up for the example, you haven’t really given us a clue) She has nothing to do with us/makes no effort but thinks she can buy us off with gifts...

(They will have a version of events which paints them in a better light that just taking all the gifts and blocking you for no good reason, you know this).

Working out/finding out what those two extreme positions are is the first step, then in all likelihood you’ll be closer to understanding the reality which is usually somewhere in between, bit of truth from each position thrown in. I say this as another dr from a non-medical family...medicine is so very all consuming, we can easily become distant, distracted, consumed and lose the ability to just chill, relax and communicate with non-medics. I’ve often wondered how that is interpreted from the other side -aloof, stuck up, self-important?

You need to decide if it is worth reaching out and working it through with one of them. Likely to go much better if you are willing to imagine their position and empathise with it (which hopefully you might receive in return).

If you don’t think it is worth it/likely to be successful then it’s just about deciding about the gifts.

Personally I wouldn’t stop, the feeling of closing that door on children who may want to know you in the future wouldnt sit easy. But you can simplify it by sending gifts that are easy and convenient to you. Book tokens, amazon vouchers etc...bulk buy once a year so that you have them to hand.

Normal families don't act like that. I was the childless one in my family (never wanted them) and my brothers and sisters always made a point of thanking me for nieces and nephews presents and as they got older the kids themselves thanked me. They always makes sure I had a little present from the children at Christmas and birthdays as well.

My lot aren't special. It's normal to do that.

Your family sound horrendous. I too think you should let it all go and concentrate on your life with your partner and the family you build around you - his family, friends, whatever.

The parents may not appreciate it but despite not writing a letter of thanks I’m sure the children will remember you for it. My great aunt always bought me a little something until she passed away (I was about 30!) she probably only spent £5 but I loved her gifts. So much so that I swore if I was ever an aunt I’d do the same. I’ve only an aunt to four (25, 23, 21 & 11) and I always get them a small something. Most times I get a text thank you. Maybe the older ones you could get their mobile no.s and also drop them a birthday text then I’m pretty sure they’ll thank you. I know you shouldn’t have to message them first but most kids are happy to have a text chat. And once you have their no. just send a random text every few months and build a relationship with them.

Do they say thank you when you give them the presents?

If so, and you’re just wanting them to write it down in a card to send to you, YABU. If they’re not saying it at all, YANBU.

I also agree with QuarantimeSpring. Token gifts and compartmentalise. And if this doesn’t work, I would pull completely away. In any case the way forward is to stop pushing your emotional energy toward them and look around for others and friends. Perhaps you could be an honorary Aunty elsewhere.

DH's sister went to a chuffimg good uni. Doesn't phone her mother on Christmas day. We got her Christmas card at Easter this year. For years I did cards and presents. Got messages from MIL about how the present a for her children brats could be improvwd. I stopped sending presents about 20 years ago.

That’s extremely upsetting for you , but it sounds like it’s a much bigger picture than not getting the thankyou letters . If they included you and we’re kind and thoughtful instead of being cruel and leaving you purposely out of Facebook family groups and days out etc then with young children you would likely forgive not getting a written thanks , however a verbal thankyou doesn’t take time at all and it’s so easy to message also even by text . You sound like the bigger person

I am cross on your behalf. You sound lovely and they sound like bum heads. Is it worth asking about the Facebook blocking and what ever is going on with your Dad. Sometimes family crisis are to do with bad communication. However being grateful (presents) and friendly (involving you) should be high on any nice family members list.

Wow they don't include you and have blocked you on Facebook - why would you buy presents for any of them?

I feel for you. They sound awful. Stop buying them stuff and either treat yourself or donate to charity maybe

In your position I would send each child £20 in a card for their birthdays and Christmas (until they are 18 then just a card). I would do this because although the parents are rude and acting weird (and I would be surprised if the children behaved any differently with that role model) I wouldn’t be doing it for the parents, or for thanks - although that is polite- but to show the child that I as their Aunt cared it was their birthday or wanted to wish them a happy Christmas.

By deciding to simply send the cash you can reduce the emotional load of putting yourself out and trying to think e.g. what would an eight year old girl want? when if you aren’t up to date with them it will be very hard to get it right. Just send the card/cash but try to disengage a little emotionally and expect nothing else 16 birthdays and Christmas will cause a lot of angst.

Don’t feel you need to send anything expensive or a lot of money. What you send shouldn’t be related to your income but your relationship so if you were very close to one of them and they wanted a bike (with their parent’s permission you could buy it. But it’s not appropriate for a more distant relationship and if the parents do want expensive presents they are just using you.

The truth is one really never knows what other people want unless they tell you. People especially ''young'' people do not seem to say ''thank you'' much any more. I have given my relatives many presents but now don't think I'll do it much any more as I think they may not like them! I have just been given a foot bath which I shall never use for my birthday by my son who has a new girl friend half his age and I know she picked it although I have only met her twice! You have to see the funny side of things!

@Winter2020 I disagree, chances are the cash will go to the pockets of the parents.

The cash won’t help, kids need to spend time with family to form connection, money doesn’t buy love.

That £520 per year could be better spent.

There’s something not right here OP. So when did things change that you have stopped receiving a birthday or Christmas card? Something clearly has happened?

There’s no excuse to be accepting gifts if you have a problem with someone address it.

To the poster that said keep plugging away. I think OP and her family need to speak about this.

You sound like a wonderful aunt and sister who certainly doesn't deserve to be treated this way. Your family should be proud of your achievements instead of resenting you for it. I think you should stop making such an effort with them as concentrate on your life in London. Perhaps contact your dad directly and arrange a visit with him every so often but the rest of the family arent worth your time

OP, in the circumstances you outline I think you’re right to stop sending cards and presents. Do you have any relationship with the older, more independent children? That’s my only hesitation - if you think there’s a chance of (and want there to be) a mutually beneficial relationship in the future. From what you say that doesn’t seem likely. I’m sorry, the situation sounds really sad for you. You can’t choose your relatives etcetera. If there was a will amongst your siblings the situation could be quite different. You’ve tried to have it differently- it’s not your fault.

Just stop. Draw a line under them and channel your energy into friends. Don't let your siblings stop you seeing your father whenever you want.

They have their own Facebook group (They won't add me on Facebook and have blocked me!) They arrange meals together (always with the children there and holidays together where I have no invite. It breaks my heart.I did not even get an invite to any of the Christenings

Sounds like my family - i didn't even get an invite to their weddings!
When my eldest sibling had her first child, i received an invite to her 1st birthday party - turned out i was only invited to chaperone my mother there and i was ignored and not even allowed to take part in the party prep!
They both stood there whispering to each other completely ignoring me.
When it came to giving presents, my sister let her open every single gift- apart from mine..."oh she's opened enough for now" was her response - and then promptly accepted the next persons gift and opened it!
In front of everyone!

Unfortunately, we can't choose our family - but we can choose our boundaries.

They is probably some resentment towards you, they chose a different path in life but are still jealous about the one you took.
Leave them to it.
They've made it very clear that they don't consider you family and only just about tolerate your presence.

I'm sorry OP.
It's nasty behaviour and it hurts - but you're far better off without them in your life.

Really sorry to hear this. I love being an auntie and get included in family things. I would be very upset if this happened to me.

I would suggest speaking to one of the more sensible ones to ask if you can be included more and to say that you feel upset at being left out.

I liked the suggestion of small presents, then you know that you are doing your bit for the kids. But, if you don't get anything back at all and have no relationship with them, it would be tempting to stop.

I'm really sorry. This sounds a very sad situation. I hope you can regain your relationship with some of them in time.

I'm the same, mine are all adults now, they wouldn't piss on me if I was on fire.

I am so sorry to hear this 😔 it sounds truly awful. In no way does this excuse this behaviour as it would be passive aggressive rather then dealing with the issue but could they be resentful with how the care for your parents was distributed? like 'oh look here she comes swanning in from london etc'. If that is the issue they also need to take responsibility of dealing with care of parents in a mature manner

I'd love for my LO to have a family member take an interest in him, remember his birthday and so on, but we have such a small family on both sides I don't expect he'll ever get much recognition.
You have made such an effort and to be excluded and ignored is horrible. I hate it when in-groups shut people out.
Be kind to yourself and let them have their way. Money can't buy love. Perhaps you'll find some other children more in need of your kindness.

This is appalling OP. In your situation I would say it's unreasonable NOT to stop sending them presents! I think what they're doing is actually bordering on cruelty.

A PP above mentioned that you shouldn't punish the kids for your siblings' behaviour. I do agree that the children shouldn't be made to suffer. But I believe they are already suffering by having their aunt cut out of their lives, along with the confusion of where these presents are coming from. In actual fact, you need to make absolutely sure that they are telling the children the gifts are from you and not just building a pile of presents 'from mummy and daddy' at your expense.

I hope you find the strength to walk away. Hopefully that would kick them up the backside to fix the situation, or maybe it wouldn't, but either way, it needs to be done

I was in a similar situation OP, and I now make zero effort with siblings and it feels really good! But I do still send to their kids who are late teens. I don't invest any emotional effort. I send a (modest) Amazon token because they have to click on them to cash them in so I know they've arrived and it seems to prompt them into emailing a thank you (they never ever did when i sent gifts in the post). I reply to their thank you in a brief, friendly, undemanding way and who knows, perhaps as they grow older we might develop a relationship. I am in touch with an aunt who is in her 70s and who, to my shame, I never thanked for presents when I was a kid so it's possible.

That's so cruel and petty of them. Definitely stop sending gifts, if they've intentionally blocked you out of their lives I highly doubt they're even telling the children the gifts are from you.

Its sad, and I'm sorry for you, but walk away.