To not buy Nieces/Nephews gifts anymore?

[dontdreamitsover75]

I'm really not sure what to do but feel so taken for granted. I have loads of nieces and nephews (about 13 in total) I am childless. Every Christmas and Birthdays I buy all 13 of them gifts or give money and I feel so taken for granted. Some of them are only young (About 2) but I never receive a thank you from their parents either.
I do not expect to receive any gifts myself but often think a card would be nice, but every Christmas and Birthday I do not even get a card from their parents and it hurts.

I am not childless through choice, I didn't want children until I was 40 and then it never happened, they do not know this.

My Mum died last year and since then they have created their own child centred world which doesn't feature myself in it. They have their own Facebook group (They won't add me on Facebook and have blocked me!) They arrange meals together (always with the children there and holidays together where I have no invite. It breaks my heart.

I always said I wanted to be a Godparent but they used friends as godparents and I did not even get an invite to any of the Christenings.

I try and maintain contact and send texts etc but I am kept out of the loop particularly in regards to the care of my Dad.

My crime? I went away to University and am now a successful GP. We all had the same chances but I worked hard and have a successful career. When my Mum died they seem to think I would relocate back to my hometown despite living away since University. I visit frequently but my life is in London now, my partner his job etc.

What can I do, I hate being viewed as an outcast particularly when I did so much when they were all younger, I have helped them out enormously over the years, but now they all have these family setups that I am excluded from.

Its like being childless and having a uni education has cast me out since they all had their own families.

Where do I go from here?

That's awful , my grandad died couple years ago and his partner ( my Nan and him split years ago ) still sends gifts for my kids and us and I send her a token gift and always a card for birthdays and Xmas , her and my grandad had no kids and were never married so we never called her our stepnan , she has no children but she still treats us and my kids like family and vice versa ,
But it's more than just gifts blocking you on Facebook is strange and if they are doing this then I would not bother with gifts of you are asked why say well you blocked me on Facebook and I don't hear from you so I assume you didn't want contact from me
Really sorry Op as it's crap but is it possible to just call and speak to your dad direct ?

This is sad because I think they have collectively sent you multiple signals that they don't want contact, that you haven't picked up on.

I'm not judging I am in a similar situation with a sibling. She has never shown me love or kindness in my life, and is now pressuring me to be more active as an aunt.

Thing is...if by active she meant involved that would be fine but what she actually means is "buy my kid shit and fuck off"

And I'm afraid you reap what you sow in life and if what you sow is endless contempt..
I have nothing against her DC at all, but I have no interest in being a Vending Machine Aunt

Don't let them assign you your role, choose it yourself.

Stop now. The DC are probably unaware who is even sending these gifts. They won’t care or even notice if you stop.

I'm one of a large-ish host of cousins, all of whom are fairly close in age, only 6 years difference from oldest to youngest.
Our parents/aunts/uncles decided that presents for the kids would continue until they were 18, and then stop, and go to card only.

OP, I'm sorry your family have been so horrible. Honestly, it sounds like stopping the gifts is the best thing to do. Especially if it is consistently annoying you.

Do you come across as strong? The fact you voiced being godmother it's not something you ask to be but rather a decision that both parents made. Also the comment about working harder could you come across abitnself righteous and a bit smug. It's odd how all siblings have excluded you and blocked you on social media. I'm thinking theres likely more to the situation that maybe you're not aware of.

Send a card wishing them happy [event] and you'll give them a gift when you see them.

How horrible of them!

I don't blame you - that really must sting. When I couldn't have kids, my own sister made an extra effort to include me as a special aunty and I have a lovely relationship with her kids. SIL behaved the same as yours and it was really hurtful now she is ex SIL so I don't give a shit.

YANBU. Stop buying and spend the money on something nice for yourself

You need to stop buying gifts straight away!! Thats just mean that they dont even say thank you for them. My older sister is childless through choice, both my other sister and i have 3 children each, we have all asked hwr to be god parent but she has politley declined each child. We make sure she is never ever left out and do spoil her for birthdays and Christmas

Stop buying gifts!!!!

Just stop.

I expect it’s your career (and income?) that has led to the rejection rather than your lack of children. I would stop with the presents, no ceremony, just stop. I’m sorry - it’s a shit way to be treated

Stop sending money Adopt or foster.

Bottom line is that if you're doing something that makes you feel bad, then stop doing it.

So stop. Just because someone is 'family' doesn't mean we have to have a relationship with them. If your family doesn't treat you nicely, then build your own family out of friends. A family by choice.

It may be partly to do with your 'otherness' as they perceive it. You're Uni educated, have done well in a highly respected profession, moved away from your hometown to live in fancy old London etc. There may be jealousy and it might be they just don't relate to you, consider you too different. Being childfree/childless is a big dividing point as you say. Would they say something like "oh, she thinks she's better than us" do you think?

You have the choice to reach out to someone in the family about this or cut your ties with them, hard though it is. They are being unkind and unfair to you. Free yourself from this negativity and stop giving the presents.

@Quarantimespringclean

I agree that the wording of your post indicates you are judging them for not seizing their opportunities and becoming as successful as you. If I’m picking that up from one post I wonder how much it has come across to them over the years? If they sense that they are judged it’s not surprising they are pulling away from you.

Whether the above is right or wrong is immaterial really. If you want to be part of their lives, keep plugging away as you are now. Visit when you can, send the children a card and a small cash gift on their birthdays and don’t look for a thank you. Keep the lines of communication open. I can quite understand the posters saying not to continue with this presents but to stop might well close things down permanently with your family. It also seems unfair to penalise the children when your beef is with their parents.

Very well put.

the wording of your post indicates you are judging them for not seizing their opportunities and becoming as successful as you. If I’m picking that up from one post I wonder how much it has come across to them over the years? If they sense that they are judged it’s not surprising they are pulling away from you.

While I agree with this, I'd still stop the gifts. Send a card.

I had a god daughter (friends daughter) who lived far away so I never saw her but i sent gifts for years which were never acknowledged. One year I sent a writing set as a hint! After about 10 years of this I had a baby myself. My friend (god daughters mother) sent the meanest cheapest baby gift at her birth and the god daughter gave no acknowledgment. Also no presents for my daughters birthday after that. I then dropped any effort with the God daughter and was quite happy to do so.

Aw that’s really sad, but it will be impossible to build a relationship with the children when the adults are acting like that. I would just cut your losses and save yourself the heartache in the long run.

That's awful, I'm so sorry they treat you this way. Yes I would stop the gifts. You can send a card if you wish to.

Have u tried ivf? Family member had this aged 45 paid obvs. But dont buy for them if they dont buy for u!

At one level, it's always difficult to negotiate present buying for nieces/nephews or children of friends if you are childless. At what age do you stop? How do you deal with expectations that you will spend a certain amount if you have a drop in income? I can really relate to all that. Few of us have got someone like Tinklylittlelaugh or Lovewinemorethanhusband who has thought about how it might feel to be in this situation without being asked.

This is all in the 'mildly irritating' category but your situation is so much sadder. I'd feel really upset not to be asked to be a godparent or to be blocked on Facebook. I'm sorry that you are not childless by choice. Have you seen the Gateway Woman website set up by Jody Day?

gateway-women.com/

I think it's really unlikely all this is inadvertent. Perhaps you could use the money spent on presents to talk about this with a counsellor?

Op you are a really kind person (ignore the strange victim-blaming going on upthread). Your family don't deserve you, and I bet they enjoy the presents you send despite being rude so-and-sos. But you should stop sending them now. If you don't want to stop outright, buy a pack of cute children's Christmas cards and send those to each of the kids with a lovely message instead of a present. And send their parents a nice Christmas card -- but no presents or cash gifts. If they are not so much as acknowledging you or sending the occasional thank you then they do not deserve presents, end of!

Have you spoken to any of their parents about this? Feels a bit off to blame the kids.

I used to send money which I’d carefully changed into the relevant currency, chose a lovely card and sent it off all in good time. Never a bloody word from nieces, nephews or their parents, so I stopped. Nowadays, they get a card, that’s it.

Just stop. They’re shitty people OP.