To not buy Nieces/Nephews gifts anymore?

[dontdreamitsover75]

I'm really not sure what to do but feel so taken for granted. I have loads of nieces and nephews (about 13 in total) I am childless. Every Christmas and Birthdays I buy all 13 of them gifts or give money and I feel so taken for granted. Some of them are only young (About 2) but I never receive a thank you from their parents either.
I do not expect to receive any gifts myself but often think a card would be nice, but every Christmas and Birthday I do not even get a card from their parents and it hurts.

I am not childless through choice, I didn't want children until I was 40 and then it never happened, they do not know this.

My Mum died last year and since then they have created their own child centred world which doesn't feature myself in it. They have their own Facebook group (They won't add me on Facebook and have blocked me!) They arrange meals together (always with the children there and holidays together where I have no invite. It breaks my heart.

I always said I wanted to be a Godparent but they used friends as godparents and I did not even get an invite to any of the Christenings.

I try and maintain contact and send texts etc but I am kept out of the loop particularly in regards to the care of my Dad.

My crime? I went away to University and am now a successful GP. We all had the same chances but I worked hard and have a successful career. When my Mum died they seem to think I would relocate back to my hometown despite living away since University. I visit frequently but my life is in London now, my partner his job etc.

What can I do, I hate being viewed as an outcast particularly when I did so much when they were all younger, I have helped them out enormously over the years, but now they all have these family setups that I am excluded from.

Its like being childless and having a uni education has cast me out since they all had their own families.

Where do I go from here?

Just stop op. They are u grateful and downright cruel actually.
You are good enough for gifts, yet treating you like family is beneath them?
Some might say oh the kids shouldnt miss out, but I feel stuff the lot of them. Why should the kids benefit when they will never be taught to be grateful so you will never get appreciation back.

I've a childless sister who bought gifts for my children but she always received a present from my children along with my gift for Christmas and birthdays. I stopped buying gifts for my husbands nieces and nephews when they were 16.

They have their own Facebook group (They won't add me on Facebook and have blocked me!) They arrange meals together (always with the children there and holidays together where I have no invite. It breaks my heart.
This is so deliberately unkind OP.

Why would they do this - have you spoken to any family members about why you are being ostracised? It sounds jealous and entitled but would they behave so hurtfully because your life is different to theirs? How does that make you less of a family?

And I agree with other PPs. Cut out the presents, cards etc. It is beyond rude not to even acknowledge your kindness let alone thanking you for them and ignoring own celebrations.

This is heartbreaking but it sound that you may need to focus on people outside your birth family if they are, effectively, ghosting you. 🌹

This is terrible OP. You mix in different circles sometimes that is just the way life goes unfortunately no bad feeling it just one of those things.

It’s really bad manners that they don’t say Thank you. I would of nipped it in the bud from then but you can start this year!

Don’t send them a bloody thing.

It’s odd about the Christening did you not challenge them on this??

It's not about presents, it's about being excluded from the family. It may be nothing at all to do with your job or your education but something small that's happened that has set them against you. You say that they have excluded you since your mum died so maybe it's something around that.

The lack of a thank you for family presents features time and time again on Mumsnet, I haven't had so much as a text or a phone call in response for any gift for perhaps 15 years. It is not uncommon. The exclusion and blocking is a different thing entirely.

Yes. I would stop with the gifts, and you really have nothing left to lose by asking them why they are excluding you. Are your siblings all male though? Some men can be rather thoughtless about keeping in touch with family. (Which is not an excuse).
I would focus my energy on finding some people who value you. It sounds like a very sad situation for you.
Also I would make sure my Will is updated to leave them nothing currently.

A much more mild version of this happened with me but with DCousins....I brought DCousins (at the time 13 and 16) presents for xmas. Got a couple of opened cheap body butters in return from their mum. No thank you from the or their DM, and I have all 3 on Facebook so not hard.... I asked their mother to they had liked the gifts and she said that they did and she assumed they'd messaged me. Half an hour later got a quick message from the older cousin and nothing still from th3byounger one. Both cousins regularly have about £500 spent on them so I figured my gift wasnt enough to warrant acknowledging from them.

Older cousin moved to uni in my city eventually. I asked if she wanted to meet up for a coffee when she was more settled. I waited for her to make the effort as I felt I'd done a fair amount and I was making all the effort.

She graduated this year. We never had that coffee. I mo longer have anything to do with the cousins. Nothing against them they're just not fussed about a relationship.

Anyway, my point was, I stopped buying gifts for much less than you put up with OP. Please stop buying or attempting contact as next time you get rejected it will just keep hurting you

Just stop sending them anything Op, they don't treat you like family so don't bother. They must have some weird grudge against you, do they think you've "got above yourself" because you have an education and a career? It's sad but some people can't deal with anyone not following the family tradition.

Are you able to speak to, or see, your dad at all?!

They have blocked you on Facebook and don’t include you in family gatherings. Please don’t give them another minutes thought and please don’t put yourself through this pain any more. They don’t deserve you.

I would stop all the present buying for so many children, it can get out of hand with some people.Apart from the hassle of wondering what to buy, the children have probably got too many things already, and as you have noted, you may not get a thanks from some of them, which is bad manners in my view.

I wouldn’t worry about the presents issue, just stop it or scale it back. The only thing I’d be concerned about is them blocking you from knowing about your dad’s welfare. Are you able to visit him and check he’s ok?

I’d give up. Maybe send em a note to let them know why you’re not gonna bother any longer. We were snipped from DHs family as he didn’t return home after university (his choice). I used to make the effort and it bloody hurts to realise we just don’t matter.

Friends are the family we choose for ourselves.

Leaving aside the whole presents thing as it's been addressed above.

What happened with regards to your parents?
You say you moved away, so I assume your siblings didn't? Was there a lot of caring needs for both your parents? Did you help at all? Obviously that's difficult from a distance but your siblings may have felt left behind to look after them when they have their own children/caring needs?
It maybe that there is some jealousy in that you aren't around to help with the day-to-day crappy bits of life (& caring for elderly or sick relations is crappy at times) & by your own admission have a good life in London which they don't/can't have.
Maybe they don't feel they have much in common with you now, perhaps they feel insecure around your success compared to their own? Perhaps they felt they couldn't leave their home area because you already had?
Just some possible reasons - but you really need to talk to them or accept your life without them.

In our family we buy for nieces and nephews and for siblings who don’t have any children.

I’ve stopped buying for some nieces and nephews, they never say thanks, never contact us and takes them to speak to us when we see them so this year I stopped. I’d rather spend money on people who appreciate their gifts and can at least say thank you .

Trinkly, what a lovely, thoughtful person you sound like .

Oh OP I was sorry to read this. Yes definitely stop sending presents. Do you have a good support network around you?

I would buy for all my nieces an nephews untill I had my own children an they never received so much as card for birthdays so I stopped with presents an just send a card so the kids knew I was thinking about them o. There special day maybebjust do that x

I have stopped sending presents for my nieces , aged 15 and 8 because I never get a thank you either. No acknowledgement at all most of the time. It's just really rude.

We all had the same chances but I worked hard and have a successful career

I would look very long and hard at that sentence, OP. Yes, you may have all had the same 'chances' but everyone has different aspirations in life.

Do you think that there might, just might possibly be the tiny chance that they think you look down your nose at them, just a little bit? Could they think that you have (despite your best intentions) been rubbing their noses in the fact that you are so much more successful and well off than they are?

I could be completely wrong of course, but maybe a little inner reflection might be in order. Could you have been inadvertently giving them that impression for some time now?

Well done you for getting where you are! You've worked harder than them and so they have played schoolground games and made you the outsider. It happens in offices too.
Your main concern is your father. If you cut off contact then I guess you would be completely out of the loop if he became ill.
If there was a way to keep up with how he is without using family then look into that and cut them off asap for your sanity.
Otherwise, I'd reduce what you send / cut off at 16+yr olds. You could see it as investing in your Dad's welfare - that way it won't hurt as much each time you post them something; it's an investment in the connection with him.
I feel for you though - families are so tricky

They are not worth your time OP. Stop the presents and cards, stop reaching out to them. They are clearly not interested and do not care about you. You are better than being treated like this.

Maintain your relationship with your dad if you feel it is right and move on from your toxic siblings.

I agree that the wording of your post indicates you are judging them for not seizing their opportunities and becoming as successful as you. If I’m picking that up from one post I wonder how much it has come across to them over the years? If they sense that they are judged it’s not surprising they are pulling away from you.

Whether the above is right or wrong is immaterial really. If you want to be part of their lives, keep plugging away as you are now. Visit when you can, send the children a card and a small cash gift on their birthdays and don’t look for a thank you. Keep the lines of communication open. I can quite understand the posters saying not to continue with this presents but to stop might well close things down permanently with your family. It also seems unfair to penalise the children when your beef is with their parents.

Ah op that's awful, my heart goes out to you, it's so acutely painful to be excluded. I think the present giving is just a red herring, it goes far deeper than that.
What have you got to lose by sending them a letter/email explaining how hurt you are by the exclusion? It's worth a try just to set out how you feel and hope they will at least meet up so you can talk.
If you get no response then cut your losses as hugely awful as that will be. They can't hurt you any more really.
As regards present giving, you might want to continue if only for the kids. When my nieces and nephews were little I'd always follow up the gift with a call or text to the parents, just sent a gift to child hope it arrives safely, let me know if it doesn't. My relatives were dreadful at thanking.
I've nearly completed The Grief recovery course by john James and russell Friedman. A friend who's training as a therapist used me as a Guinea pig. It's been amazing so far, you might have a look at it. I couldn't recommend it enough. It digs so deep into your life's losses and relationships and gives you the tools to recover.
Take care

Do you see the children at all? If you do perhaps keep sending gifts, it's not the children's fault and perhaps you can establish relationships with them when they are older. I think not inviting you to christenings, blocking you on Facebook etc is unacceptable on the parents part.