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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU about husband’s friend visiting?

111 replies

SquarePeggyLeggy · 15/06/2020 05:19

I’m in Australia, where restrictions are lifting. We can have overnight guests. So legally/ethically the following is ok. But I’m blown away and need to vent this.
My husband’s bestie (lifelong friend, but lives far away) wants to come and visit when state borders open next week. So as soon as it’s allowed, he would come.
We have 3 kids, the youngest is 14 months old. She doesn’t sleep.
He asked to come, but suggested a week, which I actually think is a rudely long time to stay with people with a baby unless you’re doing their chores alongside them and really pitching in or are immediate family in which case, I STILL think household help is reasonable and considerate. BUT I’m very introverted and find houseguests stressful at the best of times so can accept my ideas of acceptable visit lengths may be short by others standards.

He’s also expressed that he’d like to spend the time “half-half” with the family, and half with my husband going to pubs or on outings.

AIBU to think this is rude and inappropriate? It feels like: ditch the kids with your wife and take me out for half a week. While I also stay in their home?!

I’m also not comfortable with suddenly going back to houseguests all of a sudden. COVID concerns and also disturbing the baby reasons.

This man does not have kids. He’s in a relationship, but he works in hospitality. Our lives and hours are very different. I don’t feel he’d be deliberately inconsiderate, I imagine he’s just utterly oblivious to the demands of family life and what staying with a baby who doesn’t sleep would actually be like? I think he wants to see his friend one on one without realising what a huge sacrifice that would actually mean for everyone else.
I’ve said no way. My husband is clearly disappointed but said it’s “whatever I’m comfortable with”. Which makes me madder, can he not see it’s an inappropriate suggestion?! Or AIBU?
I’ve suggested my husband go there. That way they get their one on one time, and there’s no risk of waking a baby. But I think his friend is offended. And I look like a bit of a cow?

OP posts:

2007Millie · 15/06/2020 11:51

From most of the responses on here, no wonder MN is full of men having affairs. Lots of you have IMO very odd ideas of what is acceptable and seem to feel like a man should have very little free time.

frazzledasarock · 15/06/2020 11:58

Ah yes, a woman thinking she doesn't want her husbands friend arriving on her doorstep and staying for a week whilst she cooks cleans and takes care of the household plus manchild 'friend' and three young children, one a non sleeping baby, whilst her husband swans off with his mate drinking and coming home at all times waking the house up in the process is a total bitch and a complete justification for the manly man to go off and fuck around.

The bar is so low here it's not even visible.

2007Millie · 15/06/2020 12:05

@frazzledasarock

Pre-lockdown, my DH best friend stayed with us for 2 weeks. I have a 20 month old who wakes up at least 6 times a night.

DH and friend cleared up any mess. They helped tidy. They watched DS. And DH was back by midnight on the odd night they went out.

I couldnt have been less bothered or got worked up about it if I tried.

kingkuta · 15/06/2020 12:06

His friend is coming to stay - where does it say she will have to cook, clean and look after them? Why would she be doing this? Surely the DH will be helping. And just because you go out for a drink with a friend doesn't mean you come in crashing around waking the whole house up. And just because the friend doesnt have his own family doesnt mean hes a 'manchild'. Some massive assumptions there!! Ridiculous

We both have friends to stay quite often and manage the extra work between us and manage to have a night out without waking the street up as will the majority of people

CoffeeBeansGalore · 15/06/2020 12:10

You have suggested the perfect compromise that your dh goes to his friend's for a long weekend. You are not denying him the opportunity to spend time with his mate. You are agreeing to parent solo to facilitate dh having a nice time.

Devils advocate alternative: Friend comes to yours but you go away alone for that week to relax & dh can deal with all hosting work/cleaning/cooking/parenting and arrange babysitter when he & friend want to go out . . .

kingkuta · 15/06/2020 12:10

Fact is, most people like to keep in touch with their friends. Its important to maintain those relationships. If they live long distance that means they stay at your house/you stay at their house. Usually in turns. Not really difficult to accommodate this in a partnership unless there are extreme circumstances.

theonlywayisapple · 15/06/2020 12:11

Your DH is allowed friends to stay. It's his house as well

borntohula · 15/06/2020 12:24

OP has said her DH can go to his mate's? What's wrong with that? Perfect compromise.

Hidingtonothing · 15/06/2020 12:31

Lots of you have IMO very odd ideas of what is acceptable and seem to feel like a man should have very little free time.

Where is OP's free time? Are men more entitled to free time than women?

Squince · 15/06/2020 12:33

From most of the responses on here, no wonder MN is full of men having affairs. Lots of you have IMO very odd ideas of what is acceptable and seem to feel like a man should have very little free time.

Most men with three small children and a job have very little free time.

Squince · 15/06/2020 12:33

As do most women in the same circumstances.

theonlywayisapple · 15/06/2020 12:47

@borntohula

OP has said her DH can go to his mate's? What's wrong with that? Perfect compromise.

Because it's his house as well. Why does the OP get to make the rules?

2007Millie · 15/06/2020 12:55

@Hidingtonothing

She is, just like her DH, perfectly entitled to her own free time which she can organise with her husband, just like she is doing. She may have friends stay over, go for a spa weekend, whatever she wants.

ProudMarys · 15/06/2020 12:58

Maybe ask husband if he would like you to go off with your best pal half the week leaving him with the kids. Pretty sure he wouldn't be over the moon about the idea of that one. No you are not being unreasonable at all but as comprising I would suggest husband could have one whole day away as long as he likes and come back home when they like, then friend goes next day to his family before lunch. Husband takes over childcare after lunch and you get to rest for a few hours

ProudMarys · 15/06/2020 13:22

People who say it's his house too and he shouldn't have to compromise have no clue! It's his house too Tess but hello give your heads a wobble it's his kids too! who is looking after them on her own sleep deprived when he is entertaining his friend? She is! This will be probably a hard slog without her husbands support. My husband would not suggest this at the end of the day though but we are also best friends and our family would and should come first. Friends second period. Alot of self-centred people on MN either not in the same position as op or just selfish and "me first" attitude. There is so many compromises that could be done in this situation they can both be happy with thinking of the other person's needs and wants to. He can see his friend, but maybe not quite in what they planned. That what marriage is about give and take not just take! Don't get married if you don't want comprises stay single and don't raise a family

Hidingtonothing · 15/06/2020 13:43

What ProudMarys said pretty much sums up my next response on this thread so I'll leave it at that I think

kingkuta · 15/06/2020 13:51

who is looking after them on her own sleep deprived when he is entertaining his friend? She is!
Yes but when the OP wants to see her friends or go away for the weekend it will be her DH doing the same. Just because you are married with children doesn't mean you cant do anything outside of the family ever again. That would be a pretty shit life. A bit of give and take really isnt difficult

BluntAndToThePoint80 · 15/06/2020 14:22

Agree with @kingkuta comments. Very sensible.

TryingToBeBold · 15/06/2020 14:40

And just because the friend doesnt have his own family doesnt mean hes a 'manchild'

Totally agree with this!

And women could have plenty of free time. How many husbands would turn round and say no to a day or weekend away? Why is it mens fault that they dont suffer from as much guilt?

I cant believe how many people would literally be fuming at DH even suggesting a night out let alone more because his family should come first.

I love my daughter to death but I literally have NO problem going out for an evening night or day and letting DP look after her.

DilemmaADay · 15/06/2020 15:03

I think it's a bit contradictory here... you say he would create extra work being around all the time but when he suggests spending time with your DH out the house, that's unreasonable too... I dont blame him to be honest for wanting to see his friend alone for a bit without third wheeling a partner and baby.

Also you've mentioned you're not happy with the decision but when DH said it's up to you, you're annoyed?? It does honestly seem like noone can win here so you'd be best compromising a bit or setting some more specific boundaries rather than huffing about it.

Mumsnet seem to hate partners friends, people interrupting family time for visits and overnight guests so I suppose I'm the unreasonable one here

Goatinthegarden · 15/06/2020 15:04

See, the issue for me would be someone in my personal space for a week. I really prefer it when friends/family get a hotel nearby. I don’t really want people pitching in, I’m a bit neurotic about other people’s hygiene habits and them helping themselves or cooking in my house. I always offer people to stay ‘the night’, out of politeness, but would prefer they didn’t. I can’t really fathom having anyone to stay longer...and I wouldn’t impose myself on anyone either; I always get a hotel when visiting friends. I don’t have kids, but it wouldn’t bother me if DH went off for a week partying and left me with children, but it would bother me if he brought another adult into my territory for a whole week.

Luckily, I married someone who is clearly just as odd as I am as we seem to have the same ideas about this.

borntohula · 15/06/2020 15:05

@theonlywayisapple ok and why does her DH get to make the rules? There needs to be a compromise, clearly...

Cherrysoup · 15/06/2020 15:13

A week is bonkers, I’d go nuts after 2 days without kids! I don’t do house guests. With a small child not sleeping, it’s unreasonable of him to even moot this, but he probably hasn’t even realised.

AnotherBoredOne · 15/06/2020 15:17

I would post hubby going to him and say youngest still not sleeping well, let's have you come for a week later in the year.

2007Millie · 15/06/2020 15:34

As with my previous comments, some of the people on here sound like absolutely no fun, very uptight and no wonder your husbands wander off.

Like a PP has said, MN users have something against husbands and husbands friends.

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