AIBU about husband’s friend visiting?

[SquarePeggyLeggy]

I’m in Australia, where restrictions are lifting. We can have overnight guests. So legally/ethically the following is ok. But I’m blown away and need to vent this.
My husband’s bestie (lifelong friend, but lives far away) wants to come and visit when state borders open next week. So as soon as it’s allowed, he would come.
We have 3 kids, the youngest is 14 months old. She doesn’t sleep.
He asked to come, but suggested a week, which I actually think is a rudely long time to stay with people with a baby unless you’re doing their chores alongside them and really pitching in or are immediate family in which case, I STILL think household help is reasonable and considerate. BUT I’m very introverted and find houseguests stressful at the best of times so can accept my ideas of acceptable visit lengths may be short by others standards.

He’s also expressed that he’d like to spend the time “half-half” with the family, and half with my husband going to pubs or on outings.

AIBU to think this is rude and inappropriate? It feels like: ditch the kids with your wife and take me out for half a week. While I also stay in their home?!

I’m also not comfortable with suddenly going back to houseguests all of a sudden. COVID concerns and also disturbing the baby reasons.

This man does not have kids. He’s in a relationship, but he works in hospitality. Our lives and hours are very different. I don’t feel he’d be deliberately inconsiderate, I imagine he’s just utterly oblivious to the demands of family life and what staying with a baby who doesn’t sleep would actually be like? I think he wants to see his friend one on one without realising what a huge sacrifice that would actually mean for everyone else.
I’ve said no way. My husband is clearly disappointed but said it’s “whatever I’m comfortable with”. Which makes me madder, can he not see it’s an inappropriate suggestion?! Or AIBU?
I’ve suggested my husband go there. That way they get their one on one time, and there’s no risk of waking a baby. But I think his friend is offended. And I look like a bit of a cow?

OP, I see the points you’ve made in your update, but again it sounds a bit like just because you don’t want late nights out, that your DH shouldn’t. But (within reason) how you each spend your leisure time is kind of your own choice.

You sound to me like you just don’t want this guy to come into your space, particularly if you’re happy to do 100% of the work if your DH were to visit him.

I think some of your concerns are reasonable (stuff being shut etc) but I get the feeling you don’t really want him to come ever... otherwise you’d be agreeing some of the compromises I’ve suggested earlier (including maybe a later, yet defined, date for a visit).

He’s oblivious! You can’t explain these things to people without kids, they won’t get it.

You’re tired and busy and it’s never unreasonable not to want people to stay. If you have a massive house it’s easier but if space is an issue it can just feel claustrophobic.

How much does your husband need guy time? It’s worth thinking about. Would it rejuvenate him? Would they get a few take aways to treat the family and take away some of the stress of meal planning. Would the two of them take the kids out for the day and give you a break? Are the pubs even open for them to go to, or would they just have a few beers in the garden? I guess what I’m saying is: is there a balance to be struck that means it can work in your favour?

I totally don’t think you are being unreasonable but if it’s important to your husband it might be worth considering.

Does your DH work? Will he have the week off when his friend comes to stay?

For the record, op doesn’t need a reason to not host him

DH: can my friend stay for a week etc etc

OP: no

DH:.... Umm. Can i ask why/any reasons

OP: Because I said so. No.

See how ridiculous that sounds in practice? Its marriage. Its negotiation and compromise sometimes. Not "because I said so".

@TryingToBeBold

Yea YABU He's an adult so assuming he knows how to wash and tidy up after himself? Would it really be that much more work hosting an adult? (Especially when that was your first excuse but you've since gone on to say you'd be happy to host your friends for the same period of time.. who would create the same amount of work").

Maybe he wouldnt "get" it or understand as much as your friends would. But that's not a valid reason for him not to come.

No! I wouldn’t be happy to host my friends for that long. My point was they wouldn’t ask! My family have been to visit for a weekend. They are very helpful. That was still enough!

We have had people stay with us for a week in the past and NOW the rule is 3/4 nights MAXIMUM.
It's very stressful anyway, let alone having a baby to look after too.

And stuff that idea of 'lads going out'. He can't lay the rules down!

I dislike houseguests at the best of times - so much extra work - and with a young family, no thanks. And the 'alone time' demand before he's even arrived tells you all you need to know about how the week will pan out. You will be coping with 3 small children and two adult ones. Much better if your DH goes to his mates.

Ok, so you just dont like anyone coming to stay no matter what. Then I think YABU. Your DH shouldn't have to never have friends visit because you dont want people staying. You surely can bite the bullet for a few days as a compromise. I would honestly tell my DH to fuck off if he told me a good friend coundnt stay at our home.

No, it sounds really off to me. But lad culture is still a thing in many places
It's really not 'lad culture' to go out to bars/restaurants when you go and stay with an old friend. I dont know a single person that wouldn't do this

I wouldn’t be happy with this. YANBU.

For the friend to dictate he wants 50% of your DHs time is really odd. Who does that??

I think the friend was actually trying to be reasonable saying 50% DH and 50% family - just acknowledging his friend has a family now and understands he cant monopolise 100% of his time

I consider that we are in charge of issuing invitations to stay, not the other way round. I certainly wouldn't want anyone to stay the minute easing of the pandemic restrictions came into force either.

If you aren't happy with the suggestion, for whatever reason, then just say no.

Are you sure it is the friend who has said about spending half the time with the family and half with just your husband? I could understand them having a couple of nights out together in normal times but the 50:50 time sounds weird to me.

YABU. The friend has asked to come and suggested a week, he hasn't imposed on you, that would have been the perfect time to discuss it like adults if it didn't work for both you and DH. You could have also discussed household help whilst he was there.
Your problem is you are an introvert and don't want anyone to stay. Using the excuse about him having no idea about family life yet your DH can leave you completely and go to him so wouldn't that put more upon you? I think it's all excuses.

Don't think of the friend. Just be happy for your husband. He gets to spend a week with his best friend and gets a few nights out. What a lovely time for him. Just make sure the favour is returned at some point soon

You’ve got three small children, there’s a pandemic on, you just don’t want the extra stresses of hosting a guest – one who doesn’t get family life and its demands. I think you are completely reasonable.
But what does your husband really think?
Why are you on here arguing it with us, rather than him arguing it with his friend? Does your DH actually get it and agree with you? Because if he doesn’t, there’s your problem, right there. And it’s your DH who needs to understand the perfectly valid difficulties this presents. Then he can have the necessary boundaries with the friend – sorry mate, it’s really not a good time for this, can we keep it to a weekend? Or - can we leave it for six months see how things are then? Whatever the strategy is.

I think this sounds like a lovely opportunity for your husband and also, I'd think it quite normal to want to do some stuff just them without you and the kids.

Can you do the same with a friend of yours at another time?

Or if having guests makes you really uncomfortable (it does me too) then can you go and stay with someone while the friend is there?

TBH, family trumps friends, even best friends you've known forever. So, if my best friends (both of whom live in different countries) said it wasn't convenient for me to stay with them, I would be mildly annoyed at having to find a hotel, but would do it anyway.

Also, did the friend impose the 50/50 thing or is your husband stealthily mooting it?!

Or if having guests makes you really uncomfortable (it does me too) then can you go and stay with someone while the friend is there? are you suggesting OP and 3 children move out so DH's friend gets a week's holiday, or are you suggesting DH and friend have the children and OP goes away alone?
Frankly, both sound bonkers!

I think it's really weird that there seems to be a gulf between people who can have fun and socialise (childless) and people who cannot (with children).

OP, I agree with you. He is at a completely different stage of life. I think your husband was very unreasonable to consider a full week without discussing it with you. Does Dh fully understand how the lack of sleep is impacting you?
The best solution is Dh going there for a weekend and you having a similar break the weekend after or before. Maybe, the weekend before is better so he can appreciate your efforts to make this happen when left with full responsibility at home.
Regardless of the sleep issue, it's a stressful time for many people at the moment and it's a bit selfish to impose on another household for a week.
Honestly, I cannot imagine having a visitor my house for a full week and I cant believe Dh's friend is the offended party!

I wouldn't mind him staying over, agree a week is too long (with little ones). But husband going out with him drinking for 3/4 nights would annoy me (as he wont be able to help out with the children). It would be a holiday for husband. Unless you do this, then invite your best friend and go out for the same number of nights?! Fairs fair, right! Or you comprise and say a long weekend would be better Friday-Monday. I would go for the long weekend personally.

I tell you what, OP. You take off for a week leaving the kids with DH and his manchild friend. Because one thing they’re definitely not entitled to is you keeping the show on the road in the background while the friend pursues his plans that so rudely exclude you.

It’s the assumption that the friend can dictate that 50% of your husband’s time is devoted to him that would annoy me.
And that you’ll happily knuckle down and get on with everything domestically without the normal support.
Does your husband not see how odd this is?

You've suggested he go there, you are being totally fair. It's not a case of you saying 'no, you can't hang out with your friend,' or anything.

Would be ok with it as long as dh does majority of cleaning , catering for his friend
After all it's your dh house as well and I wouldn't be happy if my husband said I couldn't have a friend stay