AIBU about husband’s friend visiting?

[SquarePeggyLeggy]

I’m in Australia, where restrictions are lifting. We can have overnight guests. So legally/ethically the following is ok. But I’m blown away and need to vent this.
My husband’s bestie (lifelong friend, but lives far away) wants to come and visit when state borders open next week. So as soon as it’s allowed, he would come.
We have 3 kids, the youngest is 14 months old. She doesn’t sleep.
He asked to come, but suggested a week, which I actually think is a rudely long time to stay with people with a baby unless you’re doing their chores alongside them and really pitching in or are immediate family in which case, I STILL think household help is reasonable and considerate. BUT I’m very introverted and find houseguests stressful at the best of times so can accept my ideas of acceptable visit lengths may be short by others standards.

He’s also expressed that he’d like to spend the time “half-half” with the family, and half with my husband going to pubs or on outings.

AIBU to think this is rude and inappropriate? It feels like: ditch the kids with your wife and take me out for half a week. While I also stay in their home?!

I’m also not comfortable with suddenly going back to houseguests all of a sudden. COVID concerns and also disturbing the baby reasons.

This man does not have kids. He’s in a relationship, but he works in hospitality. Our lives and hours are very different. I don’t feel he’d be deliberately inconsiderate, I imagine he’s just utterly oblivious to the demands of family life and what staying with a baby who doesn’t sleep would actually be like? I think he wants to see his friend one on one without realising what a huge sacrifice that would actually mean for everyone else.
I’ve said no way. My husband is clearly disappointed but said it’s “whatever I’m comfortable with”. Which makes me madder, can he not see it’s an inappropriate suggestion?! Or AIBU?
I’ve suggested my husband go there. That way they get their one on one time, and there’s no risk of waking a baby. But I think his friend is offended. And I look like a bit of a cow?

[NotIncandescentWithRage]

But I think he feels unwelcome

Well he’s not though, is he, because if he was this post wouldn’t exist.

Also, if you make him feel unwelcome, you’ll make him feel uncomfortable and he may not come back. Or maybe that’s the plan....?

[kingkuta]

You've made lots and lots of excuses for him not to come but basically you dont want him there under any circumstances, that's what it feels like from reading your post and I imagine that's what it will feel like to your DH and his friend. Hence the 'whatever youre comfortable with' comment. Would you be so against a visit if it was a lifetime friend of yours wanting to come and stay with you?

[Thepilotlightsgoneout]

I think you’re being a bit unreasonable. Do you know what kind of houseguest he is? He might be the type that pitches in and if he isn’t, just ask him to help. And get your husband to do all the work.

The baby will keep you up whether there’s a houseguest or not so you’re not going to lose any extra sleep.

Don’t let your life stop when you have a baby or you’ll have no friends left. Your husband wants to see his friend.

[SquarePeggyLeggy]

@MeridianB

Totally get it, OP. YANBU.

Why does your DH feel unwelcome at his friends? It’s the perfect solution for him to go there for a weekend.

I meant the friend feels unwelcome. My husband would stay with him or nearby if he didn’t have room.
I guess he is unwelcome for that long in the family home at this time in our lives, it is true. But he is welcome to my husbands uninterrupted company while I take care of things solo to enable that.
It’s true I’m tired and frustrated and everything seems worse. I would never be in this situation because any of my friends who came to stay have families and understand. So it would never come up.

[Moreisnnogedag]

Um I do think you’re being a bit unreasonable. So you don’t want him to come, but don’t want him to realise he’s not welcome, you want your husband to not only acquiesce to your wants but for them suddenly to be his wants as well.

I think it would have been better to have had a chat about compromises first (I.e DH has to do all the hosting stuff etc) but what’s done is done.

[Thenextplateau]

He maybe thinks he is being helpful by offering to come and stay, rather than asking your husband to visit him. And probably does want to see your wee one but isn't experienced enough with kids to actually be any help.

Sounds like a good solution would be for your husband to go there for a weekend instead.

[CowsGoBaaaaa]

3 kids and the youngest a 14 month non sleeper, no way would I want a visitor staying for a whole week (visiting for a whole day would be bad enough). You did say he’s a childless guy though OP, he likely has NO CLUE about life with three little kids, so I wouldn’t necessarily think he’s an inconsiderate knob just a clueless one. Your husband should be backing you up though, instead of expressing enthusiasm to his mate but after that saying he’d have to “check” with you your husband has cleverly shifted the blame to you since after your discussion he’ll go back to his mate and say yeah nah.

So I’d be getting your husband to travel to his mates house but make sure you book in the same kid free time later on, otherwise looking after the kids will end up being women’s work.

[adreamofspring]

The expressed request of 50:50 time seems off. To outright demand that he carves out some lads time whilst also asking someone to host you for a week it’s got a whiff of misogyny/single bloke. Or cooked up with DH.

Chat to your DH, lay all your anxieties out on the table, and put in a counter offer. What works for you? Wait till kids are back at nursery/school? Or arrange your own time with friends family for 3 days so that they can have half their time playing the odd couple with kids and then they get their trips to the pub when you’re back.

[Shoxfordian]

It does seem like you're being unreasonable to me. He's an old friend and he can be asked to help in the house when he's there. Show him where everything is, you don't have to wait on him and it could be fine.

[newphoneswhodis]

I think you are being unreasonable. Especially the 'my friends would never do this' comment. I don't see why doing things half -half is bad when you're also prepared to let DH go away for a weekend. Surely DH won't be helping/spending time with the family when he's away.

[BluntAndToThePoint80]

To me you sound a bit unreasonable - but it’s mostly from the information in your updates. You’d be happy for your friends to visit because they understand, but not your DH’s friend ? Sounds unfair to me.

I think you should speak to your DH about a compromise - eg he can come for 4 days, DH does extra work created (such as cooking, cleaning, shopping etc), they can have x time alone, you do alternate nights waking with the baby (so he’s not doing it on nights out but the next night for example), he needs to have a chat with his friend to make sure he understands the potential problems, they take the kids out on a couple of trips so you get alone time, maybe you go out one night and they stay in to look after the kids etc...

It’s not fair to say your DH can’t have friends round for an undisclosed period of time, but your own mates are ok.

[Beachcomber]

Maybe he doesn't want to take your DH away from the family so thinks that a half and half visit to you all is a compromise.

I had non sleeping babies too and I was knackered and I understand how hard it is. I wouldn't have wanted extra stuff if my DH was the sort to leave it all to me. If your DH is the sort to really understand that it's up to him to sort out a bed / any extra shopping / cooking / etc then I think I would be OK with it. I might have to make it clear that I'm tired and not feeling sociable though.

But that's me. If you really can't bear it now could you perhaps suggest a date in the nearish future?

[Quiterightly]

Also agree the 50% time away is bloody weird. An inappropriate.

[Quiterightly]

The expressed request of 50:50 time seems off. To outright demand that he carves out some lads time whilst also asking someone to host you for a week it’s got a whiff of misogyny/single bloke. Or cooked up with DH.
This^
It’s not normal behavior.

[SquarePeggyLeggy]

@BluntAndToThePoint80

To me you sound a bit unreasonable - but it’s mostly from the information in your updates. You’d be happy for your friends to visit because they understand, but not your DH’s friend ? Sounds unfair to me.

I think you should speak to your DH about a compromise - eg he can come for 4 days, DH does extra work created (such as cooking, cleaning, shopping etc), they can have x time alone, you do alternate nights waking with the baby (so he’s not doing it on nights out but the next night for example), he needs to have a chat with his friend to make sure he understands the potential problems, they take the kids out on a couple of trips so you get alone time, maybe you go out one night and they stay in to look after the kids etc...

It’s not fair to say your DH can’t have friends round for an undisclosed period of time, but your own mates are ok.

I didn’t explain that well.
I meant that I don’t have any single friends who still stay up late and want to go out drinking. They all have children/office hours etc, so they just wouldn’t ever expect a visit like this. It would never come up, because a night out together a couple times a year is what we manage.
It all sounds depressing and boring, it’s no wonder he doesn’t really get it.

[Goldengirlllll]

If he’s a good enough friend to come for a week then he’s a good enough friend to hear the honest reason why that’s not a good idea.
Unless you have family you could stay with nearby whilst he comes? You could perhaps get a bit of a break with them and your husband and his friend can catch up

[2007Millie]

You sound unreasonable and hard work.

My 20 month doesn't sleep through, my best friends little boy doesn't sleep through at 3 years old; that's a poor excuse for you and you've no idea when it'll change

[SoloMummy]

So you're pissed he wants 50% of the time with oh where you live. But can go there for 100%?

You sound unreasonable in WHY he's unwelcome.

My nearly 6 yo still doesn't sleep so you learn to live with your new normal or don't live!

I think that the reasons about stricter lockdown easing aren't unreasonable and I would explain this more and let them agree. It's clear you don't want him, but it's also ohs home with equal rights to decide if he believes yabu.

[Cornishclio]

I don't think this bloke has got a clue about families and to expect your husband to entertain him solidly for three or four days while you fly solo with the kids would be enough for me to say no too. I think he is after a holiday, change of scene which is understandable but a week with three young children, one of which is a baby may not have occurred to him as being an issue.

I would respond asking him to come another time. Firstly because Covid means many attractions are closed and we are not out of the woods virus wise so you are worried about catching the virus still. Secondly because the baby means you and your husband will be busy a lot of the time leaving him to his own devices unless he wants to entertain the other two. Do you have a spare room or would you have to rearrange your bedrooms? That would be another no no from me. Luckily your husband has deferred to you and yes he may take it badly but he sounds a bit selfish anyway.

[Nsky]

You are being unreasonable, get him to stay with you say 3 nights and somewhere else for the rest of the week, sorted

[lilgreen]

You are totally justified. You’ve said no to right now and most people agree with you, your husband is ok with this. End.

[makingmammaries]

I wouldn’t want him there either.

But then, I get frustrated when old friends try to push me for a “girls’ weekend away”. But even that is less obnoxious than descending on a family and expecting to appropriate one parent’s company for yourself while the other does all the work, including the additional work created by the guest. No, it sounds really off to me. But lad culture is still a thing in many places.

[TryingToBeBold]

Yea YABU
He's an adult so assuming he knows how to wash and tidy up after himself?
Would it really be that much more work hosting an adult?
(Especially when that was your first excuse but you've since gone on to say you'd be happy to host your friends for the same period of time.. who would create the same amount of work").

Maybe he wouldnt "get" it or understand as much as your friends would. But that's not a valid reason for him not to come.

[lilgreen]

For the record, op doesn’t need a reason to not host him.

[mrsmuddlepies]

It is difficult because many older family men give up on friendship. Friendship is important and brings all kinds of benefits, helping to reinforce feelings of self worth.
I do understand the difficulties of hosting someone who hasn't got a clue about family life.
I might suggest that they meet half way in a hotel so they have lots of quality catch up time.
If you are generous now, hopefully your husband will step up and be supportive about you having quality time with your friends.