Do you enjoy motherhood?

[AndromedaM31]

AIBU to ask whether you enjoy motherhood? I don’t. I’ve got 2 boys, one has just turned 6 & the other just turned 18 months. The older one I suspect has OCD as he’s very high maintenance.

I love my kids to the ends of the Earth & would die for them. But I don’t enjoy being a mum. It’s a relentless daily grind, punctuated by periods of intense worry & anxiety when one of them is ill. I get nothing done, there’s never any sense of progress. I just spend my days moving breathlessly from room to room picking up after the little one who is a professional house wrecker, whilst the 6 yr old follows me moaning because he’s not getting 101% of my attention.

I’ve sacrificed my career to have them & have lost workplace skills, + a hell of a lot of professional confidence over the last decade. I’m horribly skint.

It’s a lifestyle choice, and I did choose it so I’ve got no one to blame but myself. But I do sometimes wish I could be one of these mums who seems at one with their choice! I struggle to accept what my life has become & who I’ve become.

Interested to hear how other women honestly feel? Do you like being a mum?

I really love it, but really loved not having kids too. I think waiting til I was slightly older (36 for first) means I didn't resent missing out on anything as had done travelling, raving etc etc and loved the single life before hand. I find some younger Mums tend to be the ones who don't love it but that's jjst in my circles

Yes I do. My children are quite easy going (after toddlerhood) and are now 5 and 7.5. I really enjoy the feeling of unconditional love and I really enjoy watching them learn and change. I love seeing which characteristics of me and DH they take and the things that excite and motivate them.

There are things I find hard though. E.g. I'm a bit of a worrier and even though they're both healthy, the smallest things with their health cause me to feel awfully anxious. I doubt this will get better as they get older and my worries will change to other things! I also find that because I am a provider - I need to feed them and keep a roof over their head - then I have to carry on in a job I do not like that much. If I didn't have them I would definitely look to change my career but having children does tie you down to earlier choices unless you are very wealthy.

Some stages have been harder than others. Mine was a happy baby but I hated maternity leave and couldn't wait to get back to work. The bits I don't enjoy are because they are very much at odds with my personality, so have found them hard to manage well - I hate whiny, I don't like mess, I struggle with careless, I don't like toilet humour or "silly " behaviour. I lack patience and can be shouty.
I would do it all again, but not in this lifetime. One was right for me, 2 would have been a disaster and I would have a very different opinion.

Yes, I'm one of those irritating ones who genuinely does love being a mum. I worked in a stressful challenging career until she was 3. Then I changed to a role which allowed me to be more focussed on her and it was the best thing I did. I have genuinely loved being at home with her for the past 12 weeks and in some ways wish I could stay at home with her forever (this is neither practical or sensible obviously!)

There are times when the monotony gets to me, but I will deliberately shake things up. Cleaning up after the DH is more frustrating than being a mummy for me.

Overall, yes I really enjoy it, but I think a big part of that is because I have it relatively easy - DD (just 3) has always been a good sleeper, and is generally a lovely, sunny child. I work but very part time (one day a week) in a job I enjoy. We have a cleaner, and DH is very hands on (although works quite long hours).

I’ve found it harder since lockdown (like anyone) as many of the normal things I enjoy doing with DD aren’t possible, and the days can drag. She isn’t great at playing alone, and I do find playing with toys etc pretty boring. Pre-Covid she was at preschool 2 mornings a week which she loved, and I loved those few hours to myself! Really missing that at the moment.

I don’t think I’m a natural mother, as find a lot of things children do pretty irritating (especially if they aren’t my children!). I’m due DD2 in August and not really sure how I will find everything.

It's really stressful and takes a huge mental effort to enjoy it for what it is.

Hmmm. I think, overall, yes I do enjoy motherhood. But there are a sizeable number of days when I loathe it. My youngest is about to start school and for me, it is the lack of autonomy, quiet and R&r of pre-kids that I miss. I have come to learn that I am quite lazy and selfish and my kids have challenged the hell out of those aspects of my character. I think that is a good thing, even though I sometimes resent it.

I love watching their little personalities grow, see the caring and empathetic person my oldest is becoming, teaching them, laughing with them. I find them fulfilling but it's still a crazy headf*ck.

Overall yes I love it. I've got DD15, DS13 and DS10. I love it but it also annoys me, exhausts me, pisses me off, means I cant do fuck all because one of them is always talking at me, makes me laugh until I cry, makes my heart burst with pride and makes me want to run far, far away. Especially yesterday when the 15 year old put milk IN the kettle to boil to make hot chocolate. Wtaf.

I love them more than I thought it was possible to love anything. And they sometimes annoy me so much I want to scream and never stop!

No. I don't.

No. Not really. I feel unappreciated. I try hard to have varied meals and make sure all forms are filled in and parents evenings attended. But no one seems to appreciate it.

I enjoy elements and now they are here couldn't imagine life any other way. But as the eldest heads towards being a teenager I am finding it harder. The things we did together he no longer enjoys, days out involve tension. Yet despite the arguments now I am so glad for all the memories I have. I don't think I would be any happier had I stayed child free.

I’m not sure if this is ill advised and I’m sorry if it is, but yes, I love being a mother. It’s been one of the best times of my life. Have you looked into/thought above thrive or growth mindset? Reframing how you are thinking about things? Sorting out the bits that make you feel unhappy as best you can? There’s generally something we can do to improve how we feel about things, if we want to.

A very gentle place to start is someone called playful den on Instagram. Maybe springboard from there to some sort of coaching/books to read etc.

Wishing you all the best and I am sorry if actually you just wanted a rant x

I do, but if I had another child (DS is an only child) I think that would tip the scales at the moment. I still work 4 days a week in a job I love, if I had to give up work I would be devastated, as sad as that sounds to some people. We have a day off in the week where we tend to go to the zoo or whatever as it's quieter than weekends, and I really enjoy that time together before a weekend with DH and seeing family etc. For me it's a really nice balance, and it doesn't overtake my entire life. Some people might think that's selfish, but I am a person as well as a mum.

I absolutely love being a mother when I can put the monotony to one side and actually enjoy them, have fun, go out and do adventures. The nature trails, cuddles and sheer love I feel for them is pretty awesome.

I do not enjoy being tethered to the kitchen making endless food, I don't enjoy the work load and sometimes I have been really worried for them.

On balance, I am a much better parent than I ever thought I would be, I am not naturally maternal and so could not have been more surprised when I enjoyed it as much as I did. The key is to stuff the housework and go and have some fun, roll around, don't take it all too seriously. I learnt to let go a bit and that did wonders for the experience tbh.

It is however MUCH harder in lockdown I have to say.

@thebear1 - I think for parenting to be happy while they are teens there's a lot of readjustment to make. I spend god knows how many hours travelling all over the country to be deafened at metal gigs with DS because he was too young to go alone. But it helped us bond through those early teenage years.

We also got some great advice which was: find something - anything - that your whole family loves doing and do it together, often. We discovered Dc liked theatre and music festivals so we started going to those when we could and I spent years hunting down cheap previews and early bird deals so we could afford to. It was so worth it. We also looked hard for every day stuff we all enjoyed - like walking through the woods to a cafe for breakfast or watching comedies like Parks & Rec together.

@GnomeOrMistAndIceGuy, I assume because the OP clearly asked whether women who were mothers enjoyed parenthood, and @vikingwife’s opinion on that is by necessity uninformed.

Yes, I do, OP, but the version of motherhood described by some pps is foreign to me — for instance, it never crossed my mind to be a SAHM, which I think very few people are really suited to. My life is much the way I was before I had my DS, with a fabulous child added to the mix.

Honestly, no. 20 month old DS and ever since he was born various people have told me it’ll get better. It hasn’t and I have no expectation that it will.

I enjoy it, sure it's hard sometimes, and you never stop worrying, but the majority of the time it's fun and I enjoy it. I'm pregnant with my second now so I dont know if the equilibrium will be messed up as I have a good routine with my son but only time will tell I guess

It’s wonderful. Especially when they are teens. I have 3. Mine aren’t easy. But it is awesome glimpsing the adults they’ll become. I love the very guts of them! They are going to be just fine.

The baby stage is gone in the blink of an eye. I miss it, but this age is very fulfilling.

I do love motherhood. But I didn't enjoy maternity leave and I would hate to be a SAHM. I love the combo of working part time (not very part time now) and being at home with my 1 DC. Like PP, I'm better at it than I thought I would be, which is gratifying.

But - and it's a big but - I have a very easy DC (always slept, ate, etc) and I was in my late 30s when I had him, so I had already had a fantastic time travelling, partying etc.
Looking after kids is such hard work, I am amazed at all these millions of parents, doing a good job day in day out. I honestly think it's an incredible part of our humanity, the love and dedication that go into raising kids, even when we are absolutely hating it.

I really enjoy it. Not every waking second, but it’s the thing that has brought me the most happiness in life.

That said, I also have a job I love, a supportive partner & am financially fairly stable (touch wood). I think I’d find motherhood a lot more challenging without these other things.

You sound completely overwhelmed, and thinking there's no end in sight

I have days I love, days I'm glad to see the back of. The things that helped me when they were younger were having child-free times, so working part time where I could completely switch off from the responsibility, and a strict bedtime so even if I'd had the crappiest day I knew by 7.30 I could put my feet up and relax.
I think keeping something for yourself, that's separate from your children is the key.
It's hard work that's for sure!

I have to really thank Mumsnet for helping me understand that I really can't face more than two kids.

Hence I will be having one pregnancy (high incidence of twins in the family, so I can't risk a second pregnancy turning into twins if the first is an only).

It's helped me see motherhood properly - and my husband too. As has seeing friends who are more like us in approach than others who made parenthood look highly unappealing.

It's also helped me understand my own limits more - I'm very much Type A, plus an introvert, plus I get stress related migraines and can only take on a certain level of faff and busy-ness in my life. Three kids would be too much, and I'd lose myself, and I'd hate that. (I'm an arrogant so-and-so, and I rate myself as a very good person to be ).

So an only or first time twins is it for me.

This is a really interesting thread. I've been mulling it over...

I definitely really enjoy some things about being a parent. (The kids are 3 and 6.) I love watching them grow and develop, I love chatting to my son on the school run, I love reading to them, cuddles while watching a film, making cakes etc. Those things are lovely.

There's a lot of unlovely stuff too though - the tamtrums, the bickering. And the first couple of years with lack of sleep are really really hard.

But mostly the stuff I don't like is the extra stuff that isn't exactly parenting but comes with it by default... the housework, the lack of time for my own hobbies, the tiredness, the impact on my career and sense of self. Those things are hard not to resent sometimes.

A pp said that it gets better after the kids turn 6. From what I've seen so far that sounds pretty plausible.

I didn't enjoy it when they were small but now that they youngest is a teenager I enjoy it much more.