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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Do you enjoy motherhood?

147 replies

AndromedaM31 · 14/06/2020 16:04

AIBU to ask whether you enjoy motherhood? I don’t. I’ve got 2 boys, one has just turned 6 & the other just turned 18 months. The older one I suspect has OCD as he’s very high maintenance.

I love my kids to the ends of the Earth & would die for them. But I don’t enjoy being a mum. It’s a relentless daily grind, punctuated by periods of intense worry & anxiety when one of them is ill. I get nothing done, there’s never any sense of progress. I just spend my days moving breathlessly from room to room picking up after the little one who is a professional house wrecker, whilst the 6 yr old follows me moaning because he’s not getting 101% of my attention.

I’ve sacrificed my career to have them & have lost workplace skills, + a hell of a lot of professional confidence over the last decade. I’m horribly skint.

It’s a lifestyle choice, and I did choose it so I’ve got no one to blame but myself. But I do sometimes wish I could be one of these mums who seems at one with their choice! I struggle to accept what my life has become & who I’ve become.

Interested to hear how other women honestly feel? Do you like being a mum?

OP posts:
SpillTheTeaa · 14/06/2020 16:55

Viking Hmm
But yes I love motherhood and love being a mum. Don't get me wrong there are days when you doubt yourself. But as long as your children are happy and healthy. That's all that matters.
I always remember I am a mum but I'm also me.

Whatisinaname1223 · 14/06/2020 16:55

I also haven't sacrificed my career I'm a rgn 30 as a specialist nurse and I've always worked full time I work mon to friday

megletthesecond · 14/06/2020 16:57

Maybe 5% of it.
One child is very hard to parent and it sucks all fun out of our lives. I used to think it might get easier but it's not improved in a decade.

ShinyFootball · 14/06/2020 16:57

They don't stay little forever.

I started enjoying having kids when they were about 6 and 8.

lazylinguist · 14/06/2020 16:59

(We will get a second dog though grin)

Oh one of those is definitely enough for me!

Poetryinaction · 14/06/2020 16:59

I do. But it's all I ever wanted wanted.

OhMyDearMrBennett · 14/06/2020 17:00

Yes. I prefer older children to babies and toddlers but our lives are very fulfilling & its getting better as the sleepless nights gradually get less as DC get older. We have so much fun and I am so proud of them. I want the very very best for my dc and this gives me a huge amount of motivation re my career that i didnt have before. You could start looking into retraining or a course with the OU . If Staying at home is not for you. I enjoy the balance of working.

Ohnoherewego62 · 14/06/2020 17:00

We're in the midst of tantrums here but yes I love being a mother! Have so much love and pride that I didnt think was possible. Think the benefits and love I get back overrule the fact i'll never getting a lie in ever again or have a tidy home until bedtime 😂

GinDrinker00 · 14/06/2020 17:01

I do... when the children behave which is once in a blue moon.

Meredithgrey1 · 14/06/2020 17:06

Not really. My DD is one in a week and as much as I love her, I find it mind numbingly boring. She's in nursery full time, so I have no excuse really, but I find the weekends awful. Every weekend I feel ashamed of myself for being such a bad parent.

Raaaa · 14/06/2020 17:08

It's hard - never feel refreshed on a Monday or that I've had a relaxed weekend, feels like I'm counting down the hours until bedtime. I work full time you also get criticised for that, also trying to study, too tired to properly enjoy the evenings and then end up going to bed ready to start it all again. But I love them dearly despite all that.

RainbowFlowers · 14/06/2020 17:13

I've got a 3.5 years old and a new born. I don't enjoy maternity leave at all. I hate having interrupted sleep. I can't wait to get back to work part time. I know I will enjoy my children more when I have less time with them.

When I worked part time after mat leave with eldest it gave me a chance to miss my son and the days I was with him were a novelty. I felt satisfied with my work so I was all round happier so mothering was easier. It helps that my son loves nursery too so I didnt feel guilty about him going.

I plan to go back to work when youngest is 9 months.

My advice for you is to remember that this stage won't last forever but also if its not working for you then have a think about how you could change things. There's so many variables... going to work full time or part time. Using a nursery or childminder, hiring a cleaner. Asking partner to help out in different ways.

Seasiderabbit · 14/06/2020 17:14

Yes, I love it. But I do little of the drudgery stuff because my partner does most of it - laundry, housework, getting up in the night etc. He also does more than half of the childcare. I do all the bread winning. So it depends what you mean by motherhood. Motherhood doesn't have to equal doing all the drudgery stuff if the other parent does their fair share.

Crystal87 · 14/06/2020 17:14

Yes I do overall, but there are times I get frustrated and fed up and imagine what it would be like to have no responsibilities and the things I would do. But I know deep down that's not what I really want. I can't imagine not being a mother and wouldn't have it any other way.

Pipandmum · 14/06/2020 17:17

Not when they were little, no. In fact it is only as they reached 12 or so that I started feeling more myself. Now mid teens and I am looking forward to doing stuff when they are not my biggest preoccupation.

monkeyonthetable · 14/06/2020 17:20

I love it, but I hated it when they were small. It was just a relentless Groundhog Day grind. It's so hard for you right now during lockdown. But once they are both at school and nursery life will get easier.

For me, the turning point was a shift in attitude. I could never go back to being the confident, independent, rested person I once was (DS2 is autistic and never slept more than an hour without waking, getting out of bed, talking, coming downstairs or into our bed all night every night - I was always perpetually shattered. )
I realised the only way to enjoy it was to make a massive list of all the things I wanted DC to experience and find pleasure doing that stuff with them. Easier said than done during lockdown, but even building a den, climbing a tree or balancing on a log, making a rope swing, feeding ducks, watching tadpoles develop into frogs - all that nature stuff - that's a start. May not suit everyone but for me, becoming quite like a child again in my own mind and taking pleasure in stuff like that helped me enjoy it more. And they notice that and stop playing up so much.

SouthernComforts · 14/06/2020 17:23

This is obviously just my opinion and I'd be interested to see if others agree - I never had that biological urge to have children. I have one, I love her blah blah, but overall being a mother has made every single second of the last decade more difficult, from little things like planning journeys round breaks for dd, to school runs, health worries, the negative impact on my career, studying part time over 6 years instead of 3 etc. I've seen it said many times that it's all worth it when dc smile or are asleep and I'm a bit like is it? I couldn't imagine life without dd but also I couldn't imagine voluntarily doing it all again.

SouthernComforts · 14/06/2020 17:25

^ my point being for those who really felt a biological urge to have children, maybe the little moments of joy complete satisfy and make up for all the hard parts, and I just don't have that in me.

hammeringinmyhead · 14/06/2020 17:26

Yes, mostly, as he is a cheerful little soul, but I have hated lockdown as nursery closing and the loss of my job happened in the same week. I had a lovely balance with 2.5 days a week working, 2.5 with my now 19 month old. 5 days of relentless toddlering, with nowhere to go and nobody to see, has been so incredibly hard.

We are both introverts who don't like lots of noise or busy households grin So for us, one allows us to enjoy parenthood but keeps a balance that we are happy with in the other parts of our life.

This is us too. I'm an only child and mine will be too.

mumonthehill · 14/06/2020 17:26

I love being a mum and have delighted in so many things that having them has given me. But I am finding teenage years very hard, I seem to get it wrong too much.

Mumoblue · 14/06/2020 17:29

I have one 5 month old, so I obviously am fairly new at parenting, but I love it.
I have previously worked in childcare so caring for kids is what I love to do anyway.

And I had such a hard time in getting and staying pregnant that I started to think I would never have my own kids.

I had a fairly good knowledge of what parenthood involved as I pretty much raised my baby brother (big age gap), but obviously it's different with your own.

Mol1628 · 14/06/2020 17:31

I enjoy it now they’re 5 and 7. Didn’t enjoy the younger ages at all.

SpeedofaSloth · 14/06/2020 17:36

I find it really hard work, most of the time. I love them desperately, that's different though.

peekaboob · 14/06/2020 17:37

Nope. Failing here on all sides. Wasn't the least bit maternal before having kids and starting to think it was my body's way of telling me something. Currently trying to see if 3 of them can go live with their dad. Having toddler DD has ruined their lives considerably whereas toddler DD's other half sibling who lives 30 mins away has a flourishing life as everyone is so keen to not leave him out. "D" P currently over there spending the day with him despite never taking a full day for toddler.
I'm sleep deprived, run ragged and skint. Want to work but can't afford to. Had a good job before DD came along so not only have older kids had to give up my time but also that of our nicer life (nothing too extravagant but cinema then meal out once a month and maybe a day in a theme park).
Hating every bit of the person I have become right now. And it's due to having kids, and the patriarchy.

BeatrixPottersAlterEgo · 14/06/2020 17:37

Mostly yes. I'm quite easily contented and happy with a simple life, so I don't really care that I'm missing out on big holidays or anything, a lot of my interests and hobbies are child friendly and I very much enjoy the slow, nurturing, watching them gain new skills side of things. There's a richness to it. I feel like the longer I mother and the more challenges I face, even though there have been times I've been tearing my hair out, the better I become as a person. I'm a bit selfish and antisocial otherwise.

However. HOWEVER. This is VERY much dependent on each stage of parenting blossoming then ending, with my children eventually growing up and away from me and also the fact my husband is very hands on. Take either of those out of the equation and I'd be a screaming wreck.