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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To ask what advice you would give to the 28 year old yourself?

134 replies

Loosingitbitbybit · 14/06/2020 12:15

Any advice relating to anything really, work, relationship, health, family...
I know everyone's story is a bit different and I'm not asking for magic answers but I'm 28 and a bit stuck. Can't put a finger on exactly what is I'm struggling with but I just like to hear others stories and see if I can relate to them or help me in any ways with my life.

OP posts:
Toilenstripes · 14/06/2020 20:02

Instead of building your resume, build your skill set. In finance.

ShebaShimmyShake · 14/06/2020 20:08

Not so relevant right now, but if you haven't and want to: travel. You won't mess up your career and it'll be a valuable life experience. You're much younger than you think you are.

jay55 · 14/06/2020 20:09

I too was in a rut at 27/28 and I totally stepped off the career track, travelled and came home so much happier and healthier.

It's not a race.
Look after your teeth.
Understand your finances, keep track of all spending and check your statements regularly.
You're allowed to change direction.
You owe no one career loyalty.

PassTheSherry · 14/06/2020 20:09

Stop trying to save other people and start looking after your own interests more. Focus on securing a future for yourself that isn't dependent on anyone else. Go back into Higher Education and get it out of your system. Focus on becoming the person you would want to live with.

DominaShantotto · 14/06/2020 20:11

A) He's a twat, get the hell out.
B) Avoid 2020 - it's shit. Hibernate.

NewName89 · 14/06/2020 20:16

Maintain your career and financial independence and DO NOT marry him. Marriage is a trap that is very hard to get out of.

Purpleartichoke · 14/06/2020 20:17

LTB

Fun guys are not good husbands. Marry someone stable, with shared interests.

Thankfully when I was 29 I finally
Figured this out.

Sunshineonacloudyday20 · 14/06/2020 20:19

@theyweretheworstoftimes

Fantastic advice!!!!

Dorobie · 14/06/2020 20:24

Stay in Wales

milkysmum · 14/06/2020 20:31

Do not marry him. You are worth more and you know it.

Macon · 14/06/2020 20:35

Oh goodness, @Loosingitbitbybit

I had children by the time I was your age, and was posting smug crap on MN (when it was all fields, and I was one of about two posters) about why everyone should be a SAHM.

I never imagined, then, that I would end up divorced, 48, and unemployable.

So I suppose I would say to my 28 yr old self: take this opportunity to re-qualify as the thing you would most love to be (I am super-highly qualified, but in a field in which I have no interest or, now, experience). If that's not possible, qualify in a way which means you could go back to work to support yourself and your children, should you need to, however unlikely it sounds now.

I would also tell my 28 yr old self that my small children will not die/fail to bond with me/lose out in any other way if I am not with them 100% of the time, every single day. In fact, they would be ok at pre-school for a few hours a week, if it meant I could give myself (and, therefore, them) more options in the future.

I would also advise myself to sort out a pension, because I am nearly 50 and don't have one.

I would also advise myself not to marry my XH, but hindsight gets us nowhere. In the event, actually marrying him (as opposed to living together and having children) is what has saved my financial bacon. But it would have been better to have married someone who turned out to be nicer, and to have had children with him instead.

Finally... your relationship with your partner and children will be different from your relationship with your parents. My parents were the absolute best, in every possible way. We were the closest family, laughed endlessly, etc. They created this from dysfunctional upbringings. My children, however, have had a dysfunctional upbringing, even though mine was brilliant.

Ihatemyseleffordoingthis · 14/06/2020 20:39

Leave him

iwantmyownicecreamvan · 14/06/2020 20:44

Don't marry him - look into sunken costs fallacy. You have time to have children with someone else - 28 is so young.

ShebaShimmyShake · 14/06/2020 20:51

@Macon

Oh goodness, *@Loosingitbitbybit*

I had children by the time I was your age, and was posting smug crap on MN (when it was all fields, and I was one of about two posters) about why everyone should be a SAHM.

I never imagined, then, that I would end up divorced, 48, and unemployable.

So I suppose I would say to my 28 yr old self: take this opportunity to re-qualify as the thing you would most love to be (I am super-highly qualified, but in a field in which I have no interest or, now, experience). If that's not possible, qualify in a way which means you could go back to work to support yourself and your children, should you need to, however unlikely it sounds now.

I would also tell my 28 yr old self that my small children will not die/fail to bond with me/lose out in any other way if I am not with them 100% of the time, every single day. In fact, they would be ok at pre-school for a few hours a week, if it meant I could give myself (and, therefore, them) more options in the future.

I would also advise myself to sort out a pension, because I am nearly 50 and don't have one.

I would also advise myself not to marry my XH, but hindsight gets us nowhere. In the event, actually marrying him (as opposed to living together and having children) is what has saved my financial bacon. But it would have been better to have married someone who turned out to be nicer, and to have had children with him instead.

Finally... your relationship with your partner and children will be different from your relationship with your parents. My parents were the absolute best, in every possible way. We were the closest family, laughed endlessly, etc. They created this from dysfunctional upbringings. My children, however, have had a dysfunctional upbringing, even though mine was brilliant.

I'm sorry you had such a bad experience, but my lord, it has made you wise.
funinthesun19 · 14/06/2020 20:55

Well I’m 30 now but I would say to myself that life in the next couple of years are going to be rough. I would tell myself that at age 29 you’re finally going to tell him to leave and he’s going to make it hard work. But keep strong because you and your children deserve so much more than the life you’re living. And do not let him come back. Ever.

LivingDeadGirlUK · 14/06/2020 20:58

Don't get into a relationship with a guy with mental health issues who still takes his washing home to his mum every weekend.

Macon · 14/06/2020 21:00

@ShebaShimmyShake That's a lovely comment. Thank you. I don't feel in the slightest bit wise, though. I'm still floundering!!

EmpressLangClegInChair · 14/06/2020 21:02

Mine would be ‘For fuck’s sake STAY SINGLE. And start thinking more about where your career’s going.’

I can see it’s a bit late for the first one though!

Theyweretheworstoftimes · 14/06/2020 21:07

@sunshineonacloudyday20

Thank you !

At the being of Lockdown I was asked by a 21 year old what advice I would have given myself at 21. I thought about it for ages and what I posted earlier was the advice I would have given.

I have saved it and stuck it on my wall as it's a good reminder.

cunningartificer · 14/06/2020 21:12

“Lean in” at work. Don’t marry for the sake of it. If you do marry, choose someone who is a) your friend b) someone you find sexy and c) a good person and you won’t go far wrong. The boyfriend who’s mean about other people and you laugh together about it will be mean about you to others. You’re about twice as good looking and attractive as you believe. Value yourself,

ajandjjmum · 14/06/2020 21:16

If you're getting into a long term relationship, make damned sure that you have the same values and ambitions - both personally and in your careers.

Bells3032 · 14/06/2020 21:19

You'll spend your 29th birthday crying your eyes out your life is going no where career and love wise.

Just wait and be patient it will come, just keep faith.

(I met my now husband a week later and within a year I had gotten engaged and been promoted).

RoseMartha · 14/06/2020 21:22

My 26 year old advice would have been dont marry him.

Jul1911 · 14/06/2020 21:25

I'd have told myself to ditch him

Wanttobeateacherinscotland · 14/06/2020 21:34

I wish I was brave enough to not marry the man :(