DH nagging me to “be more positive”

[Dixie2016]

When I feel that I’m just being realistic rather than negative!
First example. Before the start of lockdown I told him that our visit to his parents over Easter didn’t look likely to happen. So I wanted to contact the accommodation to see if we could rearrange or get our deposit back. He wouldn’t do this as I needed “ to be more positive” and that it could still happen. Lo and behold it didn’t!

The latest example. His well past retirement age mum has a part time job. This job revolves entirely around people who have travelled to the U.K. after having been to multiple far flung exotic places around the world. Without giving too much away this job cannot exist without these customers. Currently MIL is on furlough. The place that she works at is unlikely to be able to open for the foreseeable future so they have announced redundancies. MIL is on the shielding list so even if her workplace opened back up she couldn’t work. So I said to DH that I imagine she will be one of those made redundant. He completely blew up at me because I should “ be positive!”.

He’s making out like I’m this negative, miserable harbinger of doom when I feel like I’m just being realistic. These are just two examples. I feel like it would be ridiculous for me to pretend his mum is going to be one of a handful of staff kept on just for the sake of “ positivity”. For me being positive has its place when there is a reasonable chance of a good outcome.

AIBU?

Maybe he just wanted to vent. Maybe he wanted you to listen.

If he wanted a solution the conversation would have gone differently. Though I have yet to see a conversation where a man wants a solution from a woman

You can talk to him about clearer communication in your relationship. Sounds like you have both fallen into the passive aggressive trap instead of just saying clearly and plainly how you feel and what you want the other person to do with that information.

I dunno my DH is negative and it's incredibly draining. We really only have your side of the story and these particular examples without absolutely no other context

It's very easy to play Cassandra at the moment

But Cassandra was right and people should have listened to her and if they had they wouldn’t be dead. I really hate this phrase, a) because it is wrong. b) because it shuts down anyone who has a realistic opinion that just doesn’t happen to be the right outcome for someone else and c) it’s shit on people called Cassandra.

OP I’m like you and say things quite matter of factly, I like putting out all the options and planning for each. I am very unemotional about it all. I can’t see facts as positive or negative really. They are just things which are going to happen. My H is ridiculously the other way, hates talking about anything which might make him think of negative things (so no tv programmes with anyone who is ill, has cancer etc. No news on.) he won’t open mail and won’t discuss anything grown up with me and lies/hides things all the time.

I think it’s babyish.

YANBU

for you OP

:)

"I imagine she will be made redundant" is negative/pointless.

"At least she will be ok financially if made redundant, we can also help with more company or job seeking when back to normal." Practical/proactive.

From your last update it sounds like you have no interest in taking advice and hearing you’re being unreasonable because you don’t think you’re doing anything wrong.

Tbf, she has a 71% vote out of over 100 in her favour currently.

But the night is still young ...

There's a middle ground possibly between both of you, it really depends, maybe he's head in the sand or maybe he's just saying these things to try to give some positivity. There are things you can think and not say though (in your case), and it wouldn't harm anyone to get more positivity in!!

It's a fine balance. I am a planner so I consider all possibilities so I can be prepared (as much as anyone can really be prepared) but I do consider them all possibilities , I don't assume the worst can happen or will happen. I lived with my df who was permanently convinced that the world would end and would steadfastly claim that he was only being realistic and preparing us for the worst. He taught me to plan but the negative talk taught me that it was better to plan for the worst but hope for the best.

Dp often refuses to think about anything until it actually happens. However that can sometimes mean me pushing him to see the worst simply to factor it in. Ultimately we both have to moderate our behaviour. He agrees that the worst is an option and I agree that it's not the only option.

What I will say though is how often do you do it? For example with your MIL why did you need to say anything ? You are probably right , but it's the sort of thing I've realised thinking is fine but saying it without any real need to is quite a nasty thing to do. Why did you need to put it out there ? What did it achieve ? Other than to make you feel a bit more smug and grown up?

Don't get me wrong I used to do it all the time , but I did realise when DP (excuse the vulgarity but it's what he actually said) asked why I kept pissing on his chips , he asked if I thought as an adult he really hadn't considered the possibility of a negative outcome and had planned for it. He actually had mostly ,there is a difference between someone not considering it and not telling you.

If it affects your dh in anyway (like would he need to financially support mil? Then totally reasonable to have a conversation about it ) but otherwise you were just being a bit smug and know it all. Think carefully ...why did you say it? To genuinely help in a tangible way ? Or to be right?

Is it usually about his parents? Perhaps you're triggering his fears that they won't be around forever?

Cassandra really did have the gift of seeing the future but was cured to never be believed bit the op is simply playing at it because she cannot see the future, she is playing the easy game of assuming things will be shit and being affronted that people won't accept her word. Unless the op really has been chivvying up to Zeus, I'll stand by my analogy.

Cursed

I hear whoever it was who said they feel invalidated by relentless positivity. I’ve just been made redundant in the nhs and feel really unheard because nobody can conceive that trusts aren’t hiring. Saying I’m great at my (very niche) job and will get a job straight away is unhelpful and not necessarily true.

Where the holiday was concerned, you were absolutely right and it needed to be faced up to. Regarding your MIL, however, I don't think you needed to say that, as there is nothing you can do about it anyway.

Why is being made redundant a bad thing? Especially if it’s a job she’s at risk from snd she past retirement age..It’s just a comment.

I’d respond with something that was actually negative ie” no, darling, being negative would be thinking we will lose all our money at Easter. I’m thinking ahead”. or “ No, negative thinking is your mother going back to work and catching the virus. Redundancy money could be just what she needs”.

What the OP pointed out to her DH was an outcome to a problem.

The problem being discussed was that her MIL could not return to work if her work place reopens as she is well past retirement age and is shielding. The OP pointed out that this may not be a problem as she is likely to be offered redundancy.

Yanbu because I don't think you sound that negative in either of those examples. It depends on the way you look at it.

What's negative about MIL being sort of forced to retire if she is the right age and would be OK financially? Maybe your DP should look on the positive side - she may love having more time to relax and possibly do some some hobbies/volunteer work etc.

Same for the holiday - what's negative about saying you can't go - it's no big deal, you can just go another time or have a "staycation". Again its your DP being negative thinking that not going is so awful the thought shouldn't even enter your mind.

Just as being negative is not good, positive can be bad too, both are at the extreme end of the scale. I find people who are so positive just as annoying as the negative.
The negative are draining and the positive have their heads stick on the clouds. Both drive me nuts.
I always live by the hope for the best, preparing for the worst saying. Being realistic but hopeful.
There are many times in life where if you fail to accept reality and just focus on the positive, when reality comes around it can knock you for six. I have seen it happen and it had an awful affect on the person in question, I on the other hand, had hoped the outcome didn't happen but had accepted it might, so I dealt with it much better.

Having unrealistic expectations and being over positive can have a worse effect on you in my opinion and I hate being around those who can't face the possibility of things going wrong just as much as those who are always negative.

I'm a really upbeat person and do tend to have a glass half full attitude to life, but I don't believe in imposing positivity on other people when they have something negative or difficult to talk about. That's just shutting them down.

In these situations you describe, you are having adult one to one conversations about difficult things, it would be totally bizarre to 'be positive' and shut out half the options and half the discussion.

Of course, if you came, unprompted into a room and started saying negative things that would be bad, but in grown-up everyday conversation, it's rather childish to start a discussion on a difficult situation and then just shut it down with 'can't you be more positive?'

You could say your husband is being negative about your contribution constantly, if you wanted to point that out to him!

Stuck in the clouds even

YANBU about the accommodation, YABU about his mum - there was just no need to say it.

It’s impossible to tell from two examples who is being unreasonable. Apparently our brains pay 4x more attention to negative thoughts than positive (because it’s the negative things that can kill us). So even if the op is half “realist” her dh won’t hear that.

I do like to always have a plan B and that means considering that plan A won’t work out, but it’s important not to dwell on the future that’s not happened yet. Enjoy the present.

OP, you describe your DH’s behaviour as ‘nagging’, he describes comments you make as ‘negative’.

Neither of you appear to be considering the other’s point of view. Maybe he is looking for emotional support, maybe you would like him to be more realistic about possibilities. You don’t seem to be communicating effectively. Perhaps couples counselling could help.

the op has said he was talking to her about it-whats she supp[osed to say yes dear of course she'll get her job back no problem

I think it can depend on delivery. If you say something like 'I wonder if your mum might be on the redundancy list or whether they'll prefer to keep her on' in an upbeat sort of tone rather than like Eeyore announcing that his tail has gone again, it could be taken as more of a 'positive' statement even though the content is negative-leaning?

Some people talk in such a tone that everything they say sounds downbeat and miserable, even if it isn't!

My Mum would say she is just being realistic and prepared, but I find her negative and draining. Everything is considered from worst possible scenario perspective. I think be aware that what you think is realistic is negative to him and try to find a happy medium.