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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DH nagging me to “be more positive”

132 replies

Dixie2016 · 14/06/2020 12:04

When I feel that I’m just being realistic rather than negative!
First example. Before the start of lockdown I told him that our visit to his parents over Easter didn’t look likely to happen. So I wanted to contact the accommodation to see if we could rearrange or get our deposit back. He wouldn’t do this as I needed “ to be more positive” and that it could still happen. Lo and behold it didn’t!

The latest example. His well past retirement age mum has a part time job. This job revolves entirely around people who have travelled to the U.K. after having been to multiple far flung exotic places around the world. Without giving too much away this job cannot exist without these customers. Currently MIL is on furlough. The place that she works at is unlikely to be able to open for the foreseeable future so they have announced redundancies. MIL is on the shielding list so even if her workplace opened back up she couldn’t work. So I said to DH that I imagine she will be one of those made redundant. He completely blew up at me because I should “ be positive!”.

He’s making out like I’m this negative, miserable harbinger of doom when I feel like I’m just being realistic. These are just two examples. I feel like it would be ridiculous for me to pretend his mum is going to be one of a handful of staff kept on just for the sake of “ positivity”. For me being positive has its place when there is a reasonable chance of a good outcome.

AIBU?

OP posts:
Original poster
Dixie2016 · 14/06/2020 12:35

Hahaha! That reminds me of something. DH recently asked if I thought he should buy some expensive kit so that he could start DJing to make extra money. He hasn’t DJ’d in over 20 years. He already has a lot of the stuff he would need and it’s rotting away in the shed. He also had this very same idea when we were saving up for our wedding. We don’t need the money now but really did back then. He never got around to any DJ’ing then so why would now be different? I’m a “dream killer” apparently. No I just don’t want our savings decimated for a mid life crisis hobby that I know he won’t even actually do.

OP posts:
Ponoka7 · 14/06/2020 12:37

I like to plan ahead, part of that planning is being realistic. I can't bury my head in the sand, if it has any effect on me.

In subjects like his Mum, I've learnt to go with 'we'll see', because it's what the person wants to hear.

You aren't wrong, or negative, but he obviously wants you to tell him what he wants to hear. So go with that, unless you are going to lose out in any way.

CatFaceCats · 14/06/2020 12:39

I’m not an over the top positive person, but my ex was so negative. Most questions I asked, or statements I made were met with a negative response. And it really dragged me down. It got the point I’d filter what I said as I just couldn’t deal with the negativity which would follow.
Obviously I don’t know your relationship, but I do know how toxic it can be when one person seemingly never has anything nice to say!

vanillandhoney · 14/06/2020 12:41

So I said to DH that I imagine she will be one of those made redundant.

What's the point in saying that, other than to be negative?

romdowa · 14/06/2020 12:42

I'm quite like you , I'm realistic and honestly people who bury their heads in the sand and pretend is all rosey in the garden annoy the life out of me. I dont see myself and negative, I see myself as clued in and as being prepared . I live by the saying prepare for the worst and hope for the best. To me your oh sounds a bit immature and like he is emotionally unable to face the reality of the situation. My own oh is a bit like this. Yet as this situation continues with lockdown and covid, he has come to realise that more often than not I'm right

Jeremyironsnothing · 14/06/2020 12:44

Hope for the best, plan for the worst.

Original poster
Dixie2016 · 14/06/2020 12:44

Because we were discussing the situation and have already had discussions about how she probably couldn’t continue working there with her health issues. Being made redundant doesn’t seem like a bad outcome to me under the circumstances.

OP posts:
Jeremyironsnothing · 14/06/2020 12:45

x post rom

BacklashStarts · 14/06/2020 12:46

I think there’s a balance here. Yes you were just setting out a possible outcome but in a very factual way, but both examples are about his mum. He might well feel worried about her or be missing her and having you being objective isn’t very empathetic.

Nousernameforme · 14/06/2020 12:46

What good does predicting his mothers redundancy do? You don't need to prepare for it in anyway. Is it just so you can say you knew it would happen?

dodgeballchamp · 14/06/2020 12:47

YADNBU. I can’t stand toxic positivity that’s actually just delusion, when all the facts point to the negative or least favourable outcome being the most likely. It’s fine to hope for the best, but to ignore or refuse to acknowledge there are other possibilities is very unhelpful and won’t make everything fine

PrincessHoneysuckle · 14/06/2020 12:48

I would have made the comment about the accommodation in April as it makes sense to prepare if u have to cancel etc.
The mil getting made redundant one though was negative and unnecessary imo

Michaelbaubles · 14/06/2020 12:48

This is like the division between preppers and non-preppers. Before lockdown - at the end of February - I was encouraging colleagues to stock up their cupboards and make sure classes we’re prepared to start working from home etc. I got a fair bit of “it’ll all blow over” and some people basically humoured me but didn’t really listen - but I wasn’t the one with empty kitchen shelves, and my classes were supplied with everything they needed to work remotely. Maybe I did sound negative but it was the best thing to do!

Clevererthanyou · 14/06/2020 12:49

I think you can’t do right for doing wrong Op. I personally am a total optimist but any time in the past I have tried to be positive about negative things affecting ME (not other people, not my business) I get screamed at. I don’t bother speaking anymore 👍

Original poster
Dixie2016 · 14/06/2020 12:49

Sure hope for the best, plan for the worst. Don’t hope for the best and refuse to consider that there could even be any other outcome.

OP posts:
Ireolu · 14/06/2020 12:49

Read your audience. My husband is like this. he says his realistic. I say always hearing he is being realistic/bordering on pessimistic all the time IS draining.

TimelyManor · 14/06/2020 12:50

He sounds very immature. Sticking his head in the sand but at the same time doing his best to make you feel bad.

FourTeaFallOut · 14/06/2020 12:52

It really isn't like the preppers. Food shortages were something that could be overcome with the prediction. Just pointing out how things may go to shit, presenting it as a certainty as opposed to a possibility, with no way to mitigate the effects, well who does that help?

vanillandhoney · 14/06/2020 12:54

@Dixie2016

Because we were discussing the situation and have already had discussions about how she probably couldn’t continue working there with her health issues. Being made redundant doesn’t seem like a bad outcome to me under the circumstances.
Maybe he doesn't want to think of his mum having to retire - maybe she loves her job and doesn't want to stop?

Sometimes it's just unnecessary to say things like that.

Michaelbaubles · 14/06/2020 12:55

But that’s not what OP was doing. Being proactive and realistic about the holiday accommodation means they had a chance of getting money back or being able to rebook with a good choice of dates rather than being forced into a rubbish option later on. Thinking about possible redundancy in the family means you can marshal yourself to be supportive and give thought-out help when it’s needed. Both situations where a realistic take on a situation saves worry and stress later.

NotEverythingIsBlackandWhite · 14/06/2020 12:59

If you were both already having a conversation about his mum's job and this was said as part of that, then fine. However, if you just raised this out of the blue then it does come across as negative. Why did you even have to mention it though?

FourTeaFallOut · 14/06/2020 12:59

Thinking about possible redundancy in the family means you can marshal yourself to be supportive and give thought-out help when it’s needed.

Why would you need to plan a response like this? Being supportive in an emotional sense doesn't require a point sheet and I'm sure the mil is more than capable of managing her own affairs, unless there is a drip feed in the wing?

Keeva2017 · 14/06/2020 13:00

Op I’m similar to you, I’m a realist not a pessimist. When things are uncertain I sit in the hope for the best but prepare just in case camp. When something appears likely to have a negative outcome I’d just rather face it head on and be happily surprised if I’m wrong.

I think it’s all in the attitude. If it’s “ok hols this Easter prob not going to happen but hey we will have other holidays and let’s think about booking leave ready for later in the year” that’s not pessimistic.

NotEverythingIsBlackandWhite · 14/06/2020 13:03

Sorry, just saw your latest comment. It was fine today it in the circumstances.

Butchyrestingface · 14/06/2020 13:03

I'm far more similar to OP than her husband. I can't stand relentlessly optimistic people, esp in situations where it's so obv they're full of shite and can't possibly know everything is going to be 'fine'. I'd rather a dose of realism and trying to prepare for whatever is coming.

In the case OP gave vis-a-vis the accommodation - I take it you didn't get your deposit back in the end?