DH nagging me to “be more positive”

[Dixie2016]

When I feel that I’m just being realistic rather than negative!
First example. Before the start of lockdown I told him that our visit to his parents over Easter didn’t look likely to happen. So I wanted to contact the accommodation to see if we could rearrange or get our deposit back. He wouldn’t do this as I needed “ to be more positive” and that it could still happen. Lo and behold it didn’t!

The latest example. His well past retirement age mum has a part time job. This job revolves entirely around people who have travelled to the U.K. after having been to multiple far flung exotic places around the world. Without giving too much away this job cannot exist without these customers. Currently MIL is on furlough. The place that she works at is unlikely to be able to open for the foreseeable future so they have announced redundancies. MIL is on the shielding list so even if her workplace opened back up she couldn’t work. So I said to DH that I imagine she will be one of those made redundant. He completely blew up at me because I should “ be positive!”.

He’s making out like I’m this negative, miserable harbinger of doom when I feel like I’m just being realistic. These are just two examples. I feel like it would be ridiculous for me to pretend his mum is going to be one of a handful of staff kept on just for the sake of “ positivity”. For me being positive has its place when there is a reasonable chance of a good outcome.

AIBU?

[MorganKitten]

What you’ve posted here is very negative

[Hoppinggreen]

Sounds like my (usually lovely) husband who thinks that it’s ok to say things as long as they are true.
Might be true but also unnecessary

[Bonzabaybee]

Sometimes it’s better just to say nothing OP.

In the case with the holiday, I understand where you were coming from – you want to plan ahead for the quite possible scenario of not being able to go. I suppose your DH didn’t want to give up the holiday when there still might have been a chance of going. If you needed to get the refund sorted in advance or else risk losing the money then fair enough. If you’d still have had the opportunity to get the refund when it became certain you couldn’t go, it wasn’t actually necessary to pre-emptively cancel everything, and in that scenario I could understand both your and your DH’s point of view on this. You’re cautious, he’s hopeful.

With his Mum, having read your updates, it seems he brought up the subject. Fair enough, if does sound probable she will be made redundant. He initiated the discussion. To be honest though, you probably still didn’t need to declare that she will probably be given redundancy. You might have asked him “what do you think will happen?” or “have they mentioned redundancy to her?” but despite it being likely you don’t know for certain what will happen and there are ways of approaching a conversation tactfully. It wasn’t really your place to say that to him imho. The fact that it is a likely outcome isn’t really the point.

[PollyPelargonium52]

I dont think u are being cynical at all. Just streetwise and realistic. Some people don't have the sense and the insight to be feet on the ground like this. I am more like you and probably u would prefer to mull over and explore where to go from here rather than blind optimism that is how I would view this too so I do get it.

[LyingWitchInTheWardrobe]

How would you feel, OP, if you were in your husband's situation? Transpose his situation to yourself and see if you wouldn't be irked by somebody speculating and doom and glooming rather than at least trying to offer some reassurance?

Do you ever acknowledge when your pronouncements are wrong or do you just revel in the 'told you so'?

I would loath this, my husband has a tendency to it and I've said to him before that I don't want to hear it, that he wouldn't like it if the boot was on the other foot - and that I won't put up with it.

A partner doesn't drag the other one down and to be honest, your post makes you sound like a tricoteuse in need of a guillotine and some knitting needles. I'm sure that you're not really like that, but that's very much how it sounds to me.

You don't have to be 'Little Miss Sunshine' but now that you know how your husband feels, perhaps you need to keep your own counsel a bit more?

[LyingWitchInTheWardrobe]

It also depends not just on what you say, but how you say it.

The holiday - you sound almost gleeful at being right. The writing was on the wall anyway and your husband knew that - he was hopeful and you squashed that hope. Did you say, "Whatever happens, we'll go away when this is over and, we'll be ok", or something like that, acknowledging the real and pressing issue but seeing some chink of light there?

Regarding the redundancy, saying that his mother is likely to be on the list as a bald statement isn't realistic or street-wise, it's cruel and unnecessary. If your husband brought it up it's on his mind and probably of concern so why not bring up some of the positives, ie. that she will be ok financially and she has her family around them. Your language is pessimistic - destitute? What a word.

Nobody is advocating that you lie but can't you be adroit enough to temper your language a bit?

If not then really, silence is golden.

[AllIMissNowIsTheSea]

Fatalism is being re-branded as optimism in the UK atm.

People have decided that if they put their fingers in their ears and sing "every little thing, is going to be alright" it might be, and if it isn't then there's nothing anyone could have done to change it even if they had reacted more pragmatically.

If you'd been pragmatic you'd have got your money back for Easter - why is fatalism deceptively given the incorrect label of optimism better in any context than pragmatism according to so many people?

[Toptotoeunicolour]

It's impossible to say from the information you have given. I believe in hope for the best prepare for the worst. Some people just sound gloomy and bring people down, and they tend to attract negativity so it can end up being self-fulfilling. Maybe you are coming across like that? Sorry if you aren't, it's just impossible to say without listening to how you actually talk.

[AmaryllisNightAndDay]

What you said might be true but you could have said it in a more positive way. Not "I imagine she will be one of those made redundant" but "if they did give her redundancy that could work out OK for her" (for the reasons you listed) You said that to us, so why not say it to him?

[BombyliusMajor]

YANBU and not ‘negative’, just pragmatic. People who refuse to hear anything but delusional positivity are draining, IMO, and make it impossible to do any constructive contingency planning that would actually enable them to make the best of a difficult situation.

[Whingeingpom]

@LillianBland
I sometimes find that sone really positive people use that “everything will be fine” as a way of closing down the conversation. They don’t want to discuss it, so use it as a way to dismiss the other person’s concerns.

I can relate to what you're saying here, and I am aware that I do this. Sometimes though it's true, I really just don't want to hear it. It isn't about dismissing anyone's concerns; the world we're living in at the moment is relentlessly awful. I honestly question whether it's worth continuing I would say around once a month if not more frequently. Staying positive and not getting sucked into a spiral of negativity is a genuine survival mechanism for me at the moment. So no, sometimes i don't want to hear it because I'm just not in a place where I can deal with it. I think it's ok to not want to deal with other people's concerns when you're only just about coping with your own.

I'm not suggesting everyone's verging on suicidal btw, just that if someone is asking you to curb the negativity for a bit, maybe it wouldn't hurt to do them that courtesy.

[LyingWitchInTheWardrobe]

I think in general, people have lost the skills of listening, interpreting and understanding how to hold good conversations with other people.

It's not a 'this or that' scenario, there is a middle-ground possible.

[PollyPelargonium52]

I am not draining though I just think sensibly plus streetwise then plan of action made and forge ahead. Often with a plan a and also a plan b. So there is always a good outcome that way.

[ATomeOfOnesOwn]

You're confusing negativity and realism. Cancelling the holiday in time to get a refund is realistic. Complaining about the fact the holiday is going to need to be cancelled weeks before the refund deadline date - negativity.
Assuming your MIL will be made redundant - negativity. Budgetary considerations mean longevity of contract can impact redundancy priorities.
Saying no to your DH wanting to buy DJ equipment - negativity. Saying yes but if he's not used it in six months then it's being resold - realistic. DJ equipment is very good at retaining its value.
I'm quite pragmatic. I can't bear negative people who pretend they're being 'realistic' rather than owning their negativity. It's a sly dig that implies people who are positive aren't realistic but being negative all the time is just as unrealistic.

[LyingWitchInTheWardrobe]

I agree with all of that, ATomeOfOnesOwn, I'm very much a contingency planner but tend towards the positive (until I know differently). I like to have a Plan B that is viable but there's no need to rub somebody's nose in it - and "I told you so" will never pass my lips, but I might say, "Oh well, lesson learned, we'll do it differently now/next time".

The point is, if the other person is anxious and is somebody you actually love, then you care about your delivery - what you say and how you say it.

[Devlesko]

Just keep your thoughts to yourself, I hope he paid the accommodation fee, that was just stupid, that would get on my nerves as well. it was pretty obvious nobody was going anywhere.
Let him bury his head in the ground, some people are better off being ignorant of the facts.

[AllIMissNowIsTheSea]

I'm not sure why people wanting to plan for realistic outcomes have to keep their thoughts to themselves and do it in secret, while people living in cloud cuckoo land get gold stars for spouting "optimistic" fairytales.

[Devlesko]

DJ equipment is very good at retaining its value

Please tell me you're having a laugh
Mine went for next to nothing, items costing over a grand were going for £100, less in some cases.

[AllIMissNowIsTheSea]

MrsKoala

But Cassandra was right and people should have listened to her and if they had they wouldn’t be dead. I really hate this phrase, a) because it is wrong. b) because it shuts down anyone who has a realistic opinion that just doesn’t happen to be the right outcome for someone else



This is what the fatalistic optimists don't think it's "kind" to remind them of! In fact it's a very timely myth, for the Brexit and Covid era...

[PlanDeRaccordement]

YABU
The best chance of a refund was after lockdown when Covid restrictions came in. Not before lockdown when cancelling could still be classed as your choice. So doomsaying before lockdown was premature and for most holidays, would have meant a partial refund whereas waiting for the lockdown and Covid would have resulted in 100% refund.

Also on MIL. So what is she is past retirement age. That’s doesn’t mean that she doesn’t need her job for the money and/or her mental well being. You seem to have zero sympathy for MIL by just saying she’ll probably be made redundant as she’s “shielding” and “past retirement age” which to me sounds not much current from saying she’ll be made redundant because she’s disabled and old....very ageist and ableist of you.

Finally, I agree if a person just days negative things once in awhile, it’s not being negative or pessimistic. But, you claimed that your DH is constantly “nagging” you to “be positive”. If you are negative so often that him reacting with a “be positive” is to the point of nagging, then I feel you are being constantly negative. That everything that you talk about or do, you have a negative thing to say about it.

People who are always negative about everything are very draining to be around. It means the other person has to reassure them and try and comfort them into a more positive frame of mind.

[Dixie2016]

He already has a load of unused DJ equipment - he just can’t be arsed digging it out.

We did get a refund for the accommodation for the MIL visit in the end but only because the owner of the accommodation waived her terms and conditions.

[PyongyangKipperbang]

Some people cannot deal with anticipating future problems, either because it causes them stress or because they lack planning skills. So they pretend everything is peachy until it isnt. Ime they then tend to fall apart and blame the whole world rather than accepting that perhaps they should have been prepared. My ex was very much like this and it was very annoying because inevitably I would be the one sorting out problems that in some cases could have been avoided with a little forethought.

I am very much a plan for the worst, hope for the best kind of person. To a non planner that can seem like meeting trouble halfway but I feel safer knowing that if the worst does happen, I have a plan in place.

[Dixie2016]

Just to point out the accommodation was for a trip to visit his family - not an actual holiday. We had one of those booked as well and of course I knew not to cancel that before the operator cancelled it themselves. But we stood to lose a £200 deposit for accommodation that it was patently obvious we would not be able to use.

[Dixie2016]

And to be honest it was more that he couldn’t be arsed with cancelling the accommodation than that he was bereft at the idea of not visiting his mum.