To have told friend he's a weirdo?

[orangecats]

I am furloughed and so is a friend of mine. During the week we chat a lot to pass the time when we would be at work usually.

Yesterday, being the weekend, I didn't message him apart from replying to a few random photos he had sent. He then messaged me goodnight at around 9:30pm so I responded with a thumbs up emoji.

At 10:30 he sent me paragraphs of messages, saying I was rude for not talking to him because he can see I'm online, and doesn't he deserve a 'goodnight' message from me? He said I was impolite, and I have no consistency because I message a lot during the week and not at weekends and maybe I am doing it to test him

I said he is being a complete weirdo and acting a bit crazy. That I need space on weekends and Also, I'm allowed to be online and not talk to him he seems to think it's rude if he sees me online and I'm not messaging him.

I've told him now that I'm only going to speak to him during the week, during work hours, because he seems to feel entitled to my time and it isn't healthy.

@orangecats

Does he want to be in a romantic relationship with you?

Well he is married and way too old for a romantic relationship with me to ever be socially acceptable. So I hope not.

That doesn't stop a lot of older, married men in many workplaces trying it on.

Can you tell your manager without it going to HR? I think you need to inform someone at work in case he causes a stink later.

“Bob was upset that I was online and not messaging him this weekend. He also indicated I should be sending him goodnight messages each night. I just want to mention this as I think it’s odd for a work colleague.“

I’d also write him Monday and say “I want to make sure you understand that we are friendly work colleagues and that it’s not acceptable for you to make demands and have expectations on my personal time. Please keep your messages to me professional. Your long message on the weekend alarmed me and made me very uncomfortable.”

Set explicit boundaries with this guy, because he’s not going to take hints. I’d also cut way back on talking to him at all.

He definitely doesn’t think he’s too old for you. That’s not how most people think anyway and especially not men. He’s already too attached.

I would say he thinks you're more than friends. If you have been speaking more than usual it's not hard to see why he would think this.

Talking to someone is an open invitation to start a relationship now? Seriously?

Hes got the wrong idea. I wonder where from?
Oh obviously its ops fault for actually talking to someone who is the opposite sex. Couldnt possibly be just his creepy mind thinking someone half his age would want anything more than a bit of conversation with him could it?

I think you could have handled it better and without calling him a weirdo and acting a bit crazy. It isn't nice to say those things.
Oh and its "nice" to tell a woman she owes you her time and must contact you whenever she sees you are online? He has no right to tell op anything the sort. This pussy footing around in case you offend some male who thinks he is owed something purely because he is there is ridiculous. Why is it ops job to be nice to him after what he said? It is weird he thinks he can tell her how to behave and its fine to point it out.

Definately step back op and stop messaging him and keep the messages from him and any others he does pointing out your obligation to him. It could be an issue at some point.
He obviously thinks this is a much bigger deal than you do. A polite but to the point message telling him you will not be messaging as much from now on as you are not spending your day checking for messages and he is obviously expecting much more from you than is normal between work colleagues.

Oh wow, that Hello M’Lady thing is too accurate.

I had one of these back when I was 17. He was older too - mid 30s if I remember correctly. Total weirdo now I look back on it.

I once sent him a link to a website I found amusing and he emailed back to say something like, “this is pathetic and unfunny, if you’re going to waste my time with this sort of thing don’t ever speak to me again.”

It was viciously contemptuous, completely out of nowhere.

I think he expected me to come grovelling back but I just... never spoke to him again.

My sister told me he was surprised at my strength and stubbornness, but I think he just assumed I was as needy as he was. I didn’t miss his “friendship” in the slightest.

@ATomeOfOnesOwn

Obviously no-one has a right to monopolise you're time but I'm very confused by him being upset that you didn't say goodnight. Do you say goodnight during the week? I'd find it quite odd if someone was constantly messaging back and forwards Mon to Fri then at the weekend I was suddenly persona non grata especially in the current climate when there's no difference between the week and weekends if you're furloughed. I guess from his pov, you use him for company when no-one else is available but at the weekend when more people are available, you ignore him. You should step back during the week too.

Being in a similar situation myself, do you not think that messaging in work time is fine, especially mostly about work, but then if they start encroaching on your 'family time' it's fair that you're not going to be as readily available, especially if its not about work, or you just don't want to think about work stuff in non work time. Would you not find it weird that they were still thinking about you at the weekend, enough to text you again, despite them being at home with a wife to talk to ?? Because that's how I feel.

I ended a friendship over similarish behavior.

Had exchanged NY texts with a pal who asked when I'd next be visiting my mother (who lived near him). I stupidly said I'd be up in March for her birthday, but would only be there a couple of days so couldn't meet up with him as is not seen her for nine months and wouldn't be back up that year, so I wanted to spend the time with her. He said that that was a shame and we ended the conversion.

A week before I was going up he got in touch to ask when I'd be there and when could we meet. I reminded him if have no time and I was sorry. Well didn't that spark a tantrum of epic proportions? I couldn't believe it. None of my other friends who also wanted to see me acted in this way. It was appalling!

Don't think I've spoken to him since.

Honestly, sometimes with clingy men like this you can be quite upfront and tell them you're not looking for a relationship or anything else with them and they still think they'll be able to 'convince' you if they bide their time long enough. No wonder they eventually get enraged, they're completely deluded and invest all this energy in a little project that goes absolutely nowhere. Just be civil but otherwise cut him off from now on, he's not a friend. One of the saddest lessons I've learnt as I've got older is that many men simply don't value women as friends at all, they just want sex.

do you not think that messaging in work time is fine, especially mostly about work, but then if they start encroaching on your 'family time' it's fair that you're not going to be as readily available, especially if its not about work, or you just don't want to think about work stuff in non work time.
The OP hasn't said that they message mainly about work. My impression from her posts is that they message at least partially about social things.

He sounds like an absolute weirdo and I wouldn't be speaking to him again. Although I have to say I hate the thumbs up on messenger and I do think it's a bit rude to reply to a friend saying goodnight with a thumbs up.

@user1494055864 if they're only talking about work during the week then I completely agree with you. The impression I got was that they weren't chatting about work since they're furloughed.

I do think the thumbs up emoji is rude, especially to a goodnight text. However the fact this is a guy in his 60's messaging goodnight to a woman presumably 20's/30's is creepy as. I've had this so many times, you're nice to the old guy because you think he's harmless then they develop an obsession and think you're interested.
Don't message at all, work hours or not. He's got the wrong idea and either needs to be told straight or ignored.

@PicsInRed I am CRYING at "Hello M'Lady"! Thank you for sharing.

OP, YANBU and I can't see any reason for you to continue speaking to this guy.

That Amy Schumer video was great, so is a m'lady similar to an incel?

I do think the thumbs up emoji is rude, especially to a goodnight text. However the fact this is a guy in his 60's messaging goodnight to a woman presumably 20's/30's is creepy as. I've had this so many times, you're nice to the old guy because you think he's harmless then they develop an obsession and think you're interested.
Don't message at all, work hours or not. He's got the wrong idea and either needs to be told straight or ignored.

Totally agree with this ^.

What did your conversations usually cover? Mainly work or straying off lately?

borntohula

I suspect they’re on the same spectrum.

The trouble with men like this is that if you message them saying 'I think you've got the wrong end of the stick, I'm not looking for a relationship, can we just keep it friendly' - they will leap up on their high justification horses and start blathering on about not understanding what you are talking about, they are just being friendly, it's YOU that's got the wrong end of the stick, how dare you assume they wanted more, don't you know they've got a wife and children?

Ie, make you feel guilty. It's best to be fact based, ie, I can't talk to you outside work hours because I'm having family time, and if I'm online it's likely that I'm playing games with my children/chatting to my mother/DMing my brother'. They can't argue with that. They can't say 'no you're not' without looking a total twunt.

Holy crap. After reading this thread I've realised I have a 'Hello M'lady' and he even starts some messages like that.

Bugger 😂

[quote ATomeOfOnesOwn]@user1494055864 if they're only talking about work during the week then I completely agree with you. The impression I got was that they weren't chatting about work since they're furloughed.[/quote]
But even if they are not just chatting about work, if you suddenly get the impression that they have developed an inappropriate crush on you, how do you handle it?? Continue to talk about work only and stop chatting about personal stuff, and hope they get the message?
Ignore them completely?

Or as 'zaphodsotherhead' just said, try and tell them to back off gently, to be met with indigant hostility that you had got the wrong end of the stick and they were just being friendly?? - asking for a friend

Sadly, the 'Hello M'Lady" is a sub-set of misogynist fuckwittery I'm all too familiar with. I ended a very longstanding friendship with a man when I realised (far too late) that this was happening. It took me so long because anytime I expressed even the slightest discomfort at his behaviour towards me or tried to assert boundaries he would be so convincingly hurt and incredulous that I felt like i'd just kicked a puppy and thought "I must have gotten it wrong". It's manipulation, plain and simple.

One of the biggest problems with the Hello M'Lady is that when you try to distance yourself or challenge them about their inappropriate behaviour, they can easily paint you as the bad guy. Their creepiness is hidden behind a veneer of "niceness" and in my experience these men are very good at getting others to feel sorry for them. I would definitely screenshot that message if I were you, OP!

I've told him now that I'm only going to speak to him during the week, during work hours

Why do you still want to chat to him given you acknowledge how weird and inappropriately angry he was at you?

This is like some weird hostage negotiation.

Sadly, the 'Hello M'Lady" is a sub-set of misogynist fuckwittery I'm all too familiar with. I ended a very longstanding friendship with a man when I realised (far too late) that this was happening.
I also had someone I considered a friend - not close, but someone I knew for about 10 years and would meet up with every few months - who behaved like this. I enjoyed his company as a friend due to some similar interests, but was never remotely attracted to him, never gave him any indication I was (was in a relationship for most of those years anyway, and my partner would also hang out with us). I always made sure we went halves on eating out etc. as I can't stand the idea of men thinking they've 'bought' you (one thing I don't like about the Amy Schumer clip is they seem to be taking advantage of the guys, but I made sure I didn't do that). I should have seen the warning signs but I was very naive when I was younger about men and their intentions. We used to go to gigs mainly, or meet up in the pub with other mutual friends, but he read too much into it. I noticed something was up when we'd bump into some other man I knew and he'd refuse to talk to him, either sit there with his arms crossed or simply go home - it was so uncomfortable! I wouldn't be flirting with these other men either, it would just be an acquaintance from around the place I'd stop and chat to, sometimes someone he also knew. After bumping into someone and they asked me how my 'fella' was, I have reason to believe he had gone around telling people I was his girlfriend. It's difficult, because on the one hand, you do feel sorry for them that they are so childlike to get attached to someone who has no interest in them and has never shown any interest, never done anything physical with them etc it's a complete fantasy they're projecting onto you. At the same time though, it shows a complete and utter lack of empathy and respect for your own existence as a separate entity to them, with their own preferences and choices, and shows that they only really care about you as something they can possess. Eventually I sent him an email. I tried to be as nice as I could, but said it was making me uncomfortable because as far as I was concerned I had never given him the impression that I wanted to be anything other than friends. I never heard from him again! 10 years of what I thought was friendship. Incel types would now try to get me to feel sorry for him and that he was 'in love' with me, but if you care about someone you don't never contact them again just because they won't bend to your will, you can at least have an adult conversation about it - it's happened to me, I've asked out male friends and we were fine after when they weren't interested in me. He would lie a lot too, I later found out, and seemed to think that you can manipulate a woman into getting her to do what you want through such means, so it really wasn't much of a loss, and your guy won't be either by the sound of it. 'Testing you' - WTF does that even mean? Just shows how twisted his thinking is.

...I mean, to be fair, we did hang out more when I became single because I had more free time, and I wouldn't have minded if he'd then put two and two together and asked me out (although I would have still said no). I think they don't take the direct approach because really, they know deep down you're not interested and they know nothing's ever going to happen, but they want to live in make-believe while they can, in this kind of safe space where they can pretend you've got something going on with them in their own heads. They probably get angry when reality points out that they're living in a fantasy world.

Yanbu, I doubt that'll be the end of it unfortunately. He'll either try to manoeuvre you back where he wants you or he'll blow up with rage.
He's a shit and you've been naive.