To have told friend he's a weirdo?

[orangecats]

I am furloughed and so is a friend of mine. During the week we chat a lot to pass the time when we would be at work usually.

Yesterday, being the weekend, I didn't message him apart from replying to a few random photos he had sent. He then messaged me goodnight at around 9:30pm so I responded with a thumbs up emoji.

At 10:30 he sent me paragraphs of messages, saying I was rude for not talking to him because he can see I'm online, and doesn't he deserve a 'goodnight' message from me? He said I was impolite, and I have no consistency because I message a lot during the week and not at weekends and maybe I am doing it to test him

I said he is being a complete weirdo and acting a bit crazy. That I need space on weekends and Also, I'm allowed to be online and not talk to him he seems to think it's rude if he sees me online and I'm not messaging him.

I've told him now that I'm only going to speak to him during the week, during work hours, because he seems to feel entitled to my time and it isn't healthy.

@orangecats

Does he want to be in a romantic relationship with you?

Well he is married and way too old for a romantic relationship with me to ever be socially acceptable. So I hope not.

Baa Haa Haa!!

Oh dear OP. You must be very naive, bless.

Do you have to be in contact with him at all? If not, I would block him. Or you can just wait until his wife turns up with her fists of steel

Oh my holy fuck! The posters on this thread blaming the OP for giving this creep the wrong message, is unbelievable! I have lots of male friends and only one has behaved like a creep! Stop blaming women for predatory men! As for telling her to be ‘nice’ to someone who is bordering on stalking! Wise the fuck up!

You’ve done nothing wrong OP. Unfortunately we have been invaded by victim blamers and bad men apologists, from the 1950s, lately.

I'm a bit surprised at the posters who seem to think it's OP's fault. I mean, I've been known to have long WhatsApp conversations with colleagues (or, more likely, some kind of IM as we're at work). But it's not normal for these to continue into the evening and certainly not normal for these to then require good night messages at bed time. FFS.

Quite honestly, DH is the only person I would send a good night message to (if we aren't together), with the possible exception of if I was involved in a late night chat with a close friend or family member and one or both of us decided to end the chat because we wanted to go to sleep.

He's being extremely inappropriate.

He would not be acting like this unless he had a romantic interest in you. Cut him off.

Why does OP need to contact him in work hours/ about work matters at all. They’re both furloughed, there’s no work happening.

He acted in a very creepy way, thinking he ‘deserves’ a goodnight message and accusing you of testing him, that definitely implies an interest beyond friendship. I’d back right off.

its a bit weird that your both married, and messaging each other alot during the week . He doesnt seem to be a friend as such so I am confused as to the nature of the relationship. He is clearly more invested in it...feel for his wife who is likely sat there being ignored whilst he is having a go at someone for not feeding his ego- I think its time for you to disconnect as clearly thinks there is something more going on

He definitely feels entitled to your time. I would put a stop to the messaging personally. Tell him you feel weirded out if you feel the need to explain.

I would make it absolutely clear to him that you're not interested in anything more. You can do this in an inoffensive, but assertive way. If he gets a*sey with you I would block him. Keep a record of the chat in case he doesn't stop and you need to take this up with your work place or if worse comes to worse, with the police. Do everything in writing.

For the record, it's absolutely not your fault.

Cut him off.
Hes watching to see when you're online?....
Stalker alert.
He thinks there's more too this textual relationship than just chat, and hes going out of his mind wondering who you're talking too that isn't him, worrying that your saying "goodnight" to someone else.
I would cut off contact with immediate effects, if your not able due to work, then keep messages short, sweet and to the point, and only about work. Dont get dragged into any other conversations.
He will get the picture.

There's no fool like an old fool, and I reckon he has an inappropriate crush on you.

Some men, whatever age, seem to think that you are enouraging attention if you behave in a remotely friendly way, or even just have a conversation with them.

The conversations during the week have been giving his ego a boost, and by not responding to that evening message, you have now dented his male pride.

Well, he's needy, egotistic and demanding, so YANBU.

But I do find it a bit odd that you only message him in the week. If he's a friend and you're talking socially, not about work, I don't see what difference it should make what day it is.

He's either become a bit obsessed with or has a crush on you or thinks you are special friends and is very insecure.

Now that you have explained the work/volunteering context and the age gap, I think you need to keep a watchful eye on this.

If he persists then you should inform HR. His boundaries are all wrong and this is potentially a safeguarding issue.

Rude! Tell him to piss off

Oh dear- my main concern now is that his outburst could be the tip of the iceberg.

Make sure you have the whole conversation saved somewhere that he can't remove messages from. There's every potential for him to take segments out of context and use them against you if he's angry.

Yes screenshot everything

I've known a few 'Hello m'lady' men like this. Unfortunately, a lot of men do think that if you have a conversation with them, then you are also sexually available to them. To be clear, unless you have been taking advantage of him in some way - and it doesn't sound at all like you have - you definitely do not owe him 'goodnight messages'. He has a sense of entitlement for being nice to you and his messages trying to make you feel guilty for not giving him your undivided attention were completely inappropriate. I would give him the cold shoulder completely after that as he's clearly incapable of understanding anything else, don't be lured into any drama with him where he can play the victim. Keep it to work matters only, he's shown his true colours.

Yes I would pull away completely. It sounds like he has a crush on you.

Does he have nothing much else to do in his life, it's needy and odd behaviour.

If he’s only in his 60s, regardless of the age gap, he definitely doesn’t think he’s too old for you.

Being in your 60’:s or 70’s hasn’t stopped members of the Rolling Stones.

So he is retired from paid employment and is a volunteer with the charity you work for? How can he be furloughed then?
Just bin him off.

Some men will see anything you do through the lens of what they want. When I tended bar while attending university some of the male customers thought that I was being nice to them because I wanted to have sex with them. It never occurred to them that I was nice to them because it was my job to make them feel welcome and because I was working for tips.

It's really a PITA to deal with when it happens.

I think he has a crush on you too - I would pull back a bit

Obviously no-one has a right to monopolise you're time but I'm very confused by him being upset that you didn't say goodnight. Do you say goodnight during the week?
I'd find it quite odd if someone was constantly messaging back and forwards Mon to Fri then at the weekend I was suddenly persona non grata especially in the current climate when there's no difference between the week and weekends if you're furloughed. I guess from his pov, you use him for company when no-one else is available but at the weekend when more people are available, you ignore him.
You should step back during the week too.