To have told friend he's a weirdo?

[orangecats]

I am furloughed and so is a friend of mine. During the week we chat a lot to pass the time when we would be at work usually.

Yesterday, being the weekend, I didn't message him apart from replying to a few random photos he had sent. He then messaged me goodnight at around 9:30pm so I responded with a thumbs up emoji.

At 10:30 he sent me paragraphs of messages, saying I was rude for not talking to him because he can see I'm online, and doesn't he deserve a 'goodnight' message from me? He said I was impolite, and I have no consistency because I message a lot during the week and not at weekends and maybe I am doing it to test him

I said he is being a complete weirdo and acting a bit crazy. That I need space on weekends and Also, I'm allowed to be online and not talk to him he seems to think it's rude if he sees me online and I'm not messaging him.

I've told him now that I'm only going to speak to him during the week, during work hours, because he seems to feel entitled to my time and it isn't healthy.

Hes got the wrong idea. I wonder where from?

Does he want to be in a romantic relationship with you?

Well he is married and way too old for a romantic relationship with me to ever be socially acceptable. So I hope not.

He's using you as a proxy love interest then. He fancies you and enjoys your attention and thinks this is 'safe' because he's married and too old for you - but still has a sense of entitlement over you and your time because essentially he's a misogynist who believes women are there to meet his needs and wishes. Ick.

I think you could have handled it better and without calling him a weirdo and acting a bit crazy. It isn't nice to say those things.

If he is a collleague you could have let him know that weekends are out of bounds without using that terminology which is quite offensive, particularly if he has any MH issues. There is a stigma attached to those phrases.

@orangecats

Does he want to be in a romantic relationship with you?

Well he is married and way too old for a romantic relationship with me to ever be socially acceptable. So I hope not.

There is no such thing as 'too old'.

Are YOU in a relationship? Because it sounds as though he is investing far more in your 'conversations' than you are or than you want him to.

I think your reply was fine. His remark about 'testing him' was the weird one. Why would you be 'testing' anyone you are in a work relationship with. I wonder if he's built this up in his head to being something it's not.

Irrelevant but I'm not getting the impression he's a colleague?

Thanks PicsInRed, that's very interesting.

• There is no such thing as 'too old'.

Are YOU in a relationship? Because it sounds as though he is investing far more in your 'conversations' than you are or than you want him to.*

Well he has children older than me and he's over a decade older than my parents ... so yes, way too old in almost every society and culture.

And I am married.

Ah but you may think he's too old - does HE? Just because 'society says...' doesn't stop a bloke from fancying a woman!

I’ve had a hello m’lady! And he did turn on me. That video is spot on.

He’s probably got the impression you’re more than work friends with the constant messaging back and forwards in the week and probably feels a bit used? Shit! Didn't realize I was 'using' anyone l text and am not in a romantic relationship with!

Worse though is the acting a bit crazy. It isn't nice to say those things. Ah so females #benice, even when you are getting unwanted attention and anger? It's more important to center the male, think if their needs and feelings and be nice?

His entitlement right here doesn't he deserve a 'goodnight' message from me?. Urggg!

Sorry but crazy is the only word I could use to describe his behaviour. He was angry I was showing as online and not messaging him, and because I didn't say goodnight. It wasn't rational thinking and he behaved as if he is entitled to me, which is crazy. Sorry.

I would say he thinks you're more than friends. If you have been speaking more than usual it's not hard to see why he would think this.

He shouldn't have spoken to you like that though.

STALKER ALERT!! Of course this is not normal behaviour, especially for an older married man! How do you think his wife would feel, does she know he’s constantly messaging you and out of working hours?

Yes, he’s a weirdo - you’ve called him out on it. Now be very “work matters only” with him and keep it as a professional relationship.

He wants to have sex with you, that’s what it boils down to.

How old is he?

My colleagues have a 30 year age gap. He's 10 years older than her parents.

He thinks you are more than friends or wants you to be. Why have you told him you'll message during working hours? You're confident enough to tell him he's a weirdo so tell him actually he's overstepped your boundaries and you're too busy to be in demand

Am I right in assuming he's not a colleague, OP?

If he is, you will just have to keep messages brief, polite, and work-related - but absolutely nothing more than that.

If he isn't, I would slide out of all contact with him. Otherwise, before you know it, he'll be finding ways to tell your husband that you have been leading him on, and blah, blah, blah.

@orangecats you should not feel the need to apologize!

He used to be a colleague, now retired but still involved in the company by volunteering (company is a charity).

He is in his 60s

Should say semi- retired from my company as he does some part time work elsewhere yet volunteers at my company

Amy Schumer examined this issue grin he's a clingy fragile guy also known as a "hello m'lady", he thinks as long as he never asks you out there is some sort of schrodingers relationship. He's possessive as he thinks he owns you - he has dibs on you. He does little favours or says nice things then thinks like a deposit account, you owe him niceness back. He's one of those guys who think if you insert enough "niceness tokens" in the woman machine, that sex should pop out and, when they want it, a relationship.

Oh my good Gaia! You’ve just described my male friend to a tee! I’m trying to extradite myself from the friendship, as he has being pushing boundaries. I’m having to be careful doing it because he knows a lot about me and has a vicious mouth, so could make things very difficult for me. Lockdown has been fantastic for me, as it’s made things a lot easier.

@DrManhattan

Hes got the wrong idea. I wonder where from?

From his own, creepy little mind. Women aren’t responsible for twisted men, becoming twisted. If we were able to influence men that easily, there would be no male on female violence.

He is interested in you. Doesn’t matter that he’s older etc, you know what some men are like, in their minds they’re entitled no matter how in appropriate the relationship would be

I don't think you did anything wrong, OP. Say something gently and you're giving mixed messages, say it as it is and you're mean - can't win, but at least with telling him straight, you reduce the danger of him continuing/escalating than giving some namby pamby response.

Tell him to ask his wife if he deserves a goodnight message from you.