WW3 because I watched a TV programme

[Frances2468]

Hi everyone,

I am feeling so low today. I am feeling like I have no choice but to end my relationship. I feel so unhappy and saddened by how petty disagreements have become.

My partner is angry at me, stormed off to bed last night, and this morning asking for an apology because I watched a TV programme without him last night.

I have depression and I had been feeling well the past few months, but the past few weeks I have had a bit of a downer. Getting sick of lockdown, and all the emotions stirred from BLM, I have just been feeling very negative and sad at the world.

Anyway, last night my partner had a video call booked in with friends (1 of these friends is actually an ex FWB) so this does make me feel a bit anxious, even though I have never tried to interfere in the friendship or stop them being friends, but yes it does sometimes give me a bit of a anxious knot in my tummy when I know they are meeting up or talking on the phone or whatever.

Anyway he was upstairs in the bedroom on the video call, I was downstairs. I am not actually a big TV lover, but I was feeling a bit down so just wanted something lazy to occupy me. I decided to watch 12 years a slave, but after an hour and 10 minutes I couldn't stomach it any longer as it was very upsetting.

I went upstairs to get my PJ's on and I saw his friend on the screen and I immediately felt filled with self deprecating thoughts about myself. "She is prettier than me", "I wonder if he thinks that too" this is totally MY issue and not my partner's. I 100% recognise this. I was not going to put this on my partner, I am just trying to explain I was feeling vulnerable and not great.

I went back downstairs trying to find something to watch. I decided to watch the next episode of this cheesy reality TV programme we watch together. I just wanted something really trashy and easy going to make me feel better. I would have been happy to watch it again with my partner.

About 20 mins into the programme my partner has finished the video call and comes downstairs.

He says "I can't believe you are watching this without me!" And he is really angry. I am stunned into silence. And I really don't deal well with anger anyway and it makes me clam up. He says "I can't believe you have done that, we watch that together. I would never do that to you"

I try to explain that I just couldn't find anything else to watch.

He wants me to apologise. I feel like a kid being told off. I feel stunned at this OTT reaction.

He goes up the stairs to bed muttering that he wouldn't do that to me, and if did I would have been angry and it isn't fair.

I just think is this worth it? It is just a programme! I would have happily watched it again. I am sorry it hurt his feelings- I didnt expect that reaction at all.

This morning he says all I have to do is apologise and can we move on. I feel flabbergasted- me apologise?!?! All I did was watch a programme. I was feeling low (not that you bothered to ask me how I was feeling) and wanted to watch something trashy. Is this really worth an argument?

He says that I am patronising and I am in validating his feelings. That I have OTT reactions in the past so it is rich coming from me to say he acted out of order.

He says that I just can't handle being told off. I said I am sorry I hurt his feelings, I am not trying to invalidate him feeling disappointed or whatever but the way he handled it was just not very nice.

He says I like to play the victim.

I just feel like this is a stupid thing to get angry and punish me for! He is using this as an excuse to get angry for all the others I have done wrong to him

Watching a TV programme is a totally non-essential activity. Why do it? Maybe just because she felt like it? Would you insist that you and your DH had to go to the pub with you, or go running or go to the theatre? Presumably not, you would do some things on your own, or with others.

It's just ONE programme. That's it. I don't watch any other t.v apart from the ONE programme we watch together. DH watches other t.v with out me. I do other stuff. It's not hard to understand. It's about 3 hours a week we share a screen to watch something together. The rest of the time we are either doing our own thing or something else together.

But it’s not some random tv show - it’s one specific thing they watch TOGETHER. Eg he will have been looking forward to watching it with her after his call

Maybe he should have made the effort to come down for the beginning of it, then, rather than expecting OP to await his convenience.

Why didn't you just rewind it. Such a childish thing to argue about

He's a prick too btw

People are mental, your dp included. That reaction was totally out of order. It's fucking tv for fuck sake, it doesn't matter!

I think this goes beyond just watching an episode of some stupid TV show. Myself and dh watch loads of things together, we would both be slightly miffed if one of us watched an episode without the other. However we 100% would not fight about it. I imagine if one of us started that carry on, the other would laugh and tell them to go to bed.

The ops relationship has much bigger issues than this TV show incident. And while I think he had a massive over reaction, I really do think there is something more to it. Like he was snapping over the TV show but really it's something deeper.

All of you fighting on here calling each other weird or sneering at each other because your, I imagine, healthy relationship differences, don't really add much other than possibly making the other feel a bit bad about themselves for not having the same opinion.

When DH and I decide to watch a specific series together the agreement is we watch it together. It's an unwritten contract!
Like some couples text and ring each other during the day. That's something I find strange. Some people find sharing a programme together strange I guess.

Microwaveoven yes I get that it’s a shared activity.

But I think his reaction is completely disproportionate.

The cooking dinner analogy is completely misplaced imho. Think a better analogy is sex, which is another couple bonding activity. Reasonable people don’t demand sex, throw a strop and demand an apology if they don’t get sex. They may reasonably get pissed if they don’t get any over a long period of time, but to have a tantrum because your partner gets bored waiting for you and has a one off wank is unreasonable.

Think it’s sad that shared tv watching has this much importance these days but that’s a whole other thread.

We all have different contracts in our relationships. In mine, watching a shared TV programme alone would definitely be a passive aggressive "screw you" to the other half

This is a very sensible way of phrasing it.

@Sizedoesmatter
You are right. It's definitely deeper than this one t.v show!

@thepeopleversuswork

I am sure I am deeply unreasonable then! If DP and I had arranged a sexy evening (or equivalent / planned for sex when toddler asleep etc), my phone call went long and I came in as he was wanking/didn’t then want to have sex, and I had been looking forward to it, I would be very annoyed, yes! Because I would be disappointed and think he was a selfish arse for not waiting. But clearly I’m an abusive spouse and he should LTB!

I think it's somewhat extreme to call either of them abusive off the back of this post alone. It just sounds like a couple getting overly ratty with each other due to the other stresses in their lives, which I'm sure many of us can relate to during lockdown. But it's not unreasonable for OP to decide that he is too easily riled for her to enjoy being in a relationship with him, if he generally overreacts to such things and she feels she can't tolerate his manner.

I think a lot of people are missing that OP doesn't really watch TV. So watching the programme she usually watches with her DP is a bigger deal than it would be to people who watch lots of TV all the time when it just becomes something completely routine and mundane.

It would be like planning a weekly special activity with your partner and then them deciding they couldn't be bothered with doing the activity with you and doing it on their own. It's not the activity - it's the saying you don't care about the other person or doing the activity with them - that's what OP's DH has reacted to.

Despite her protestations I don't believe she innocently watched the show, although it obviously helps her narrative to say she did. Non tv watchers (I'm also one) don't normally watch TV for no particular reason. If you don't normally watch TV it would be very odd to watch it to cheer yourself up. Particularly when you'd just spent over an hour watching something uncheering.

RedSkyAtnight

"I think a lot of people are missing that OP doesn't really watch TV. So watching the programme she usually watches with her DP is a bigger deal than it would be to people who watch lots of TV all the time when it just becomes something completely routine and mundane."

That may be true. I still don't think it justifies his behaviour.

This whole thing though just is a toxic mess of not being able to communicate and escalation

He comes in and says "I can't believe you are watching this without me!

Surely a normal response is to laugh say sorry I didn't think it would be a problem/forgot you wanted to. Shall I rewind to the beginning and we can watch it together

Because however awful his reaction was (and it was) its also noticeable that the OP doesnt apologise and indeed feels she shouldnt and why has it come to an argument. She plays a part in this.

OP you are locked in a relationship where you both seem to be punishing each other and cant handle even the slightly issue without it escalating out of control. This is not a healthy relationship. For some I would suggest working on it but for you I think it is best to cut your losses and move on and heal by yourself

Knowing him, I feel his apology wasn't genuine. He already said multiple times he had done nothing wrong and I feel he just said sorry but there was no meaning behind it

Like you did when you first apologised and he still wanted an apology?
It does look like you're as bad as each other.

Nrtft, but it seems as if quite a few posters think it's ok for the OP's partner to be annoyed because she started watching 'their' tv show alone, but it's ok for him to have a video call with an ex fwb. It's his fault if he didn't get himself off the call and downstairs in time.

You’ve done nothing wrong OP, your partner could have watched it again with you later or watched it while you were doing something else. People who carry on over the small stuff don’t have a happy relationshipS.

On the other hand imagine if you were upstairs chatting with a group of friends and one was a former FWB. I bet your partner would have kicked off and carried on about it.

I wouldn’t stay with a man who held grudges over perceived slights. Who expected you to apologise because you watched a tv show without him.

Great life for you tip toeing around a man who has tantrums.

LTB OP there are better things to do than waste your life on a dick.

I just don't get why watching TV together has become this sacred activity which couples have to do together to maintain harmony in their relationship. I find it utterly baffling

Utterly baffling. And it's not remotely the same as only cooking a meal for yourself.

Have you and your DH never say down on the sofa at the same time and watched t.v together?

Yes , but I wouldn't go into a big huff if he watched something on his own. Why on earth would I? I can't imagine having so little going on in my life that "our special TV show" is so important to justify the sort of idiotic, needy behaviour exhibited by the OP's husband.

I would suspect his over the top anger about the TV show was projection on his part because chatting with his former FWB isn't entirely innocent.

@EngagedAgain
And others

Never mind RTFT, just RTFOP.

The OP decided to watch the show, it wasn’t showing at a particular time.
And he was in a group call.

It's an over reaction it's just a TV program. I think the bigger issue is he is friends with an ex that they make video calls together and it gives you a horrible feeling. If you don't like it you have the right to say so it's ok to not be ok with that. If. Honest I wouldn't like the one to one chats (I wouldn't be bothered if it where a group of friends in a social setting and the ex was one of them. But video chats no not really. You have right to say you don't feel comfortable with that. But looking at his reaction to a TV program not sure that will go down to well.

I’ve watched loads of series with my OH. A number of times one of has watched an episode without the other. The reaction from the “wronged” party is always mild annoyance, usually in a jokey sulk type way. Never has it been seen as a massive slight on the other party forcing an apology. It’s not normal to react like that regardless of the reason for watching the show without him.

And my god there’s a huge amount of stigma being displayed here regarding depression and anxiety. What happened to “be kind”?

Clearly this relationship isn’t doing well in the circumstances. A break could be a help and some counselling jointly to improve communication.

I did read the opening post and have just done so again. I probably didn't word it quite right. Should have perhaps put an 'and' instead of a 'but' (was tired). This time this is my opinion, rather than commenting on other posters. He massively overreacted to what I think is something trivial. The OP tried to occupy herself for an hour or so, and it seems started watching the show as a last resort (she said she's not really interested in tv, yet is also prepared to watch it again) He had plenty of time for his video call. He could have arranged it earlier if he wanted more time. Out of respect for the OP he could have ended the video call when she came upstairs, then gone down to watch the show together. He berated her for what she had done while HE is video calling an ex fwb! Apologies if I've missed anything, I'm not reading the whole thread it's too long now, but the bits and pieces I have read of the OP's, I didn't think I had missed anything else specific?

The call was a group call.

My main bugbear here is why the OP isn't included in the group at all. Not saying that people can't have their own group of friends and their own time, but for most people I know, partners are more included than excluded from friendship groups.
When the OP went up he might have included her, which would probably would have made her feel better. OTOH, the OP could have shown an interest in speaking to them. Not sure what's happening.