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Original poster

He told me he was infertile

126 replies

hetoldmewhat · 11/06/2020 20:49

I've been with my boyfriend for 5 months. 6 weeks ago we got tested and stopped using condoms when the all clear came

The reason I felt comfortable doing this is he and his ex had to have fertility treatment in the past, as he was '99.9% infertile'.

Today after talking more it turns out he meant he was' 99.9% the infertile one'. He was told that 50% of his sperm get lost, and so he was 99.9% sure it was 'all his fault'.

What the actual fuck. He said sorry for the misunderstanding, but we've essentially been having unprotected sex for 6 weeks and he - knowing all the facts - didn't question my being ok with this?!

Aibu to think he should have been a lot clearer?!

OP posts:
Merryoldgoat · 11/06/2020 22:14

He sounds like he might be properly stupid...

OoohTheStatsDontLie · 11/06/2020 22:16

I think your update changes things. If you've known him 6 years and have been dating for 5 months and he's been sensible enough and open enough with you to both have an STI test and share the results (I hope you have seen the results now he has shown he is shit at interpreting medical info!) then I think a lot of people would have taken the '99.9% infertile' comment at face value. Anyway whether you should have taken more responsibility or not, the issue is that he presumably isn't stupid enough to think there isn't a chance you would have got pregnant. Which means he thinks its ok to mislead you, and he is happy to get someone pregnant who he has been dating 5 months.

OoohTheStatsDontLie · 11/06/2020 22:16

Sorry for double negatives. I mean he was happy to have sex with you knowing you could get pregnant when you were under the impression you couldn't. And that's unfair

OoohTheStatsDontLie · 11/06/2020 22:17

What has he said about it since you found out?

kazzer2867 · 11/06/2020 22:18

Yes he's a liar and knew exactly what he was doing, but you were reckless for not being responsible for your own sexual health (especially in such a short relationship).

Saladmakesmesad · 11/06/2020 22:18

Well first things first - are you OK, and do you think there's any chance you could currently be pregnant?

Like others, I'm really surprised that you agreed to have unprotected sex without being very very clear about what tests he'd had and what they showed in terms of his fertility. Basically, never have unprotected sex with anyone unless you want to potentially have their baby as even contraception can fail and previous infertility can suddenly surprise people.

But you know that now. What you have to decide is what to do next.

sleepydragons · 11/06/2020 22:22

@StopGo

You are responsible for your own sexual health and fertility.
This. He's an idiot but at the end of the day it is your responsibility to protect yourself.
Original poster
hetoldmewhat · 11/06/2020 22:23

I honestly didn't even question it as I knew they'd been through ivf, so when he opened up about that and said it was him etc, it didn't occur to me he'd be wrong/lying/ill informed.

Someone asked if I could be pregnant - technically yes as I've clearly had unprotected sex. Including twice today. I don't know exactly when I ovulate as I've never TTC before, but the middle of my cycle isn't for another week and thankfully, I don't think we had sex at that point last month.

OP posts:
Saladmakesmesad · 11/06/2020 22:25

I'd get the morning after pill just to be on the safe side as sperm can live for 5 days and you could ovulate early. The pill stops you ovulating (just this one I mean).

Then back to condoms.

category12 · 11/06/2020 22:25

You might want to think about getting the MAP. You should do a pregnancy test first, tho.

OhYeahYouSuck · 11/06/2020 22:26

@Notredamn

Unfortunately lately this site seems to have become overrun by people with breeding fetishes. Careful what you share, people.
Yes.

How did they get testex 6 weeks ago? We're in the middle of a pandemic where anything routine has been stopped.

OrchidJewel · 11/06/2020 22:43

Ok so you've actually known him 6 years, your post made out in fairness you've only known him. 5 months.if you believe his account now you have to sort out protection anyway

PlanDeRaccordement · 11/06/2020 22:45

I dont know if he deliberately lied or if he was given bad information by the fertility doctors he and his ex went to.
I was told by my gynaecologist practice that I was infertile. Turned out they were wrong. But I would never have known that if I hadn’t gotten a second and third opinion and paid for more tests.

I just can conceive of a situation where:

  1. a person is told by a doctor, you’re infertile because of insert medical jargon and the person believing the core message but not fully understanding the medical cause. and 2)this same person actually being fertile because the doctor made a mistake.
FizzyGreenWater · 11/06/2020 22:45

Apologies OP!

Your post did say you'd been together 5 months.

Ok you've known him 6 years.

Now you know how truthful he is when he wants to have sex without a condom.

Honestly, there is no good explanation for this. It's unforgivable.

Do not stay in a relationship with a liar.

TriciaH · 11/06/2020 22:54

He should have been clear. At the same 99.9% still means 1 in a thousand chance of getting pregnant without protection. Never take someone else's word for it. If you don't want the risk you make them wrap it or use other contraception.

PotholeParadise · 11/06/2020 22:59

It's amazing the number of people there are who mishear a doctor saying something like "your condition means you may have difficulty conceiving" as "you're 100% infertile and don't need to bother with condoms".

Absolutely amazing.

Jingstohang · 11/06/2020 23:03

The first thing you're told when youre infertile is that you should use contraception just in case because theres never a 100% guarantee.

It's a fun chat actually, "hey, you're barren. Use a condom."

Jingstohang · 11/06/2020 23:04

(To be clear, I've had that chat. And everytime I see that doctor they remind me not to take any chances unless I want it to happen.)

CJsGoldfish · 11/06/2020 23:30

You may have 'known' him 6 years but you've only been together 5 minutes so I don't understand why you would be so irresponsible. Especially without clarifying his 'infertility' We'll give up all forms of contraception but won't actually make sure it's ok?

Is this one of those, you're already pregnant threads where you're just setting it up so you don't look as stupid as you've been. And we'll spend the next 10 pages getting to where you confirm that you're pregnant?

Anyway, anyone, male or female who thinks its a great idea to get pregnant after 5 minutes shows they really aren't terribly clever. Hope it all works out just how you want it to OP

dontlookbehind · 11/06/2020 23:53

I was told I was infertile, that my tubes were damaged beyond use. I was still advised to go on the pill due to high risk of ectopic pregnancy (which I did) and still managed to get pregnant while on the pill and supposedly infertile. I had a c-section and the surgeon said he had no idea how it had happened as both my Fallopian tubes were a mess of scar tissue and looked far beyond being capable of allowing sperm never mind an embryo through them.

That baby is now 18.

If you don't want a baby then use contraception. There are stories al the time of 'I tried for 10 years and 6 rounds of IVF then one day it just happened naturally'.
Nothing is 100% but at least contraception is a lot closer to 100% than using nothing.

NoMoreDickheads · 11/06/2020 23:57

@hetoldmewhat '50% of my sperm get lost' - is he not very bright, as he doesn't seem to describe what's going on very precisely? That or it's made up. It'd be a bit of a weird thing to lie about. Ok if you were on the Pill, he could be lying so he got sex without a condom more easily. But as you can get pregnant, it seems a bit of a weird thing for him to deliberately lie about.

It's not often a man wants to get a new partner pregnant- so what's his motivation here? Confused

Or maybe he just enjoys lying. Or- I think I had one tell me he was infertile once because he thought it might stop me wanting a serious relationship with him.

Either way, please get the MAP tomorrow. Consider whether you want to be with someone who's like this- not very bright, or whatever this demonstrates about his character. Careless/irresponsible.

It's virtually rape, as you only consented to sex without a condom because he'd told you he was 99.9% infertile (as a PP said, I would still've been worried about the 0.1% BTW.)

How do you feel about what he's done?

vanillandhoney · 12/06/2020 09:08

Ultimately, your fertility is your responsibility. If you don't want a baby, then you need to take appropriate steps to protect yourself - the pill, condoms, injection, implant - whatever you prefer. Of course sometimes things go wrong and people get pregnant despite doing all that, but having unprotected sex five months into a relationship is a bit daft really.

category12 · 12/06/2020 09:12

Isn't the immediate thought if 50% of sperm "gets lost", then presumably the other 50% isn't?!

category12 · 12/06/2020 09:17

It's not often a man wants to get a new partner pregnant- so what's his motivation here?

"Stealthing" and such like are a thing. Blokes can run risks and have little consequence for themselves. If he wants to walk away, he generally can.

Cadent · 12/06/2020 09:22

he's not untrustworthy in the slightest

OP, why are you defending him?

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