Hi all...
I've been a long time lurker on here, but this is my first post. I have noone to turn to irl, so thank you in advance for taking the time to read through this long post and any advice given.
DD is 9. Ex and I split during the pregnancy and have for the most part managed to remain amicable and only message each other on a "need to know" basis. Pre-lockdown, he would see DD one day a week plus every other weekend. There are no court orders in place.
Fast forward to March and I messaged ex to discuss the imminent lockdown and what our approach would be going forward,. Given the nature of both of our jobs, I suggested that we all isolate for two weeks and then either he was welcome to stay with us for the duration or we would resume normal contact arrangements if that was preferable, assuming we would both be following the government guidelines. He agreed to the isolation, but was not forthcoming with how he would like things to proceed afterwards or whether he would be strictly social distancing, as DD and I have been.
(It's important to note that while none of us have underlying health conditions, I am suffering from extreme anxiety, for which I am actively seeking help for.)
Those initial two weeks came and went and admittedly, I didn't approach ex to review the situation, as I was dealing with the demands of wfh, homeschooling etc. He also did not press the matter and would facetime DD daily.
In time, we began to visit his garden (via a side gate and socially distanced), so DD and ex could spend time together in person.
Sadly, ex's family suffered a loss and he expressed a wish for DD to attend the funeral. I tried to be as supportive as possible, but asked that he respect my wishes to keep DD socially distanced throughout the day. Despite assurances, he did the opposite, driving many miles with DD and members of two other households and DD confirmed that there was no distancing at the wake, which at least six households attended.
Needless to say, I was upset about this, but bit my tongue, as I understood it was an emotional time and hoped it was a one-off.
However, through conversations with ex, it has become apparent that he has not stuck to the guidelines over the last eleven weeks and he has admitted to staying at his mum's and having multiple friends and family over to his house.
He is now insisting that pre-lockdown contact arrangements resume, but refuses to agree to socially distance with or without DD, citing that he doesn't see DD as being at risk and that the guidelines were put in place for "vulnerable people", not us.
His view is that I am damaging DD through my approach to follow the guidelines to the letter and that my "crippling anxiety" and "irrational fears" are going to negatively impact DD in the long run. This is an additional worry on my part, but I am trying my hardest to limit this, by seeking help for my anxiety (have been prescribed medication and am on the waiting list for CBT), forcing myself to take DD out for walks and making sure DD has contact with her friends through facetime/emails, but I do worry about the impact of the last eleven weeks on DD and regularly check in with her. She seems ok.
I lost my mother to something that ultimately could have been avoided when I was a teenager and I believe that a lot of my anxiety stems from this and wanting to keep DD and myself "safe". Although I know statistically that we would most likely only experience mild symptoms, I just don't see the point in testing that theory out if we don't have to. Why chance it?
Ex has gone so far as to arrange a playdate at his for DD this weekend and says that he will do as he sees best when DD is with him.
I accept that ex and I might not always share the same parental views, but AIBU to stop contact for the time being, as he is insistent on breaking the social distancing rules and not putting our DD's health first?
Thank you so much if you made it to the end! Am happy to be told I'm being unreasonable. I know my anxiety may be clouding my judgement and just want to do what is best for DD.