AIBU to consider not letting my 21 year old son move home

[OMGMyLifeIsCrazy]

Just that really. My son has been out of home since he was 16 because he was literally out of control for a number of years. We have an excellent relationship despite all of this though I know he still smokes funny stuff daily. He still has a lot of issues but fortunately, he stopped most of his criminal behaviour once he turned 18. In his defence, a lot of his problems (I think) are as a result of his stepfather being narcissistic and controlling of both him and I. Stepfather is out of the picture now but I've been an emotional wreck for the last few years and I'm terrified that letting him come back to live will just makes things so much worse.

I'm usually one to put others before myself but at the moment, I'm stuggling to fix my own emotional health.

He is wanting to move back home for 3-6 months while he saves to move to a larger city. I haven't answered him about this yet and wonder if I'm being too harsh in thinking he really can't move back in at this time?

It's a very difficult decision you have to make OP.

I think that AIBU was probably not the best place to post as I think that unless people have experienced similar circumstances they will find it very difficult to put themselves in your shoes.

From what you have said (and the have only skim read) it doesn't seem that he has totally 'turned his life around' and I would worry about the impact of his returning on your younger two siblings. They are going through teenage years themselves and can be impressionable to what they will witness from their older sibling in terms of his drugs use, behaviour and mental health issues.

If it was just you then you could weigh up the risks and make your choice but I think in your situation you need to prioritise your younger children.

Has he been assessed for adhd at any point? It certainly sounds like there could be something like that.

@OMGMyLifeIsCrazy

BobbyBlueHat - I used to think there was no harm in that too while quoting the same things you have about no aggression etc but having just come out of a 20+ year relationship with a daily smoker, I can now say that the MH issues aren't worth it. My ex could be controlling and sometimes unreasonable but we did make it work until he developed severe paranoia and delusional disorder of the jealous type. Snowdown24 - I used to think it was my fault that my son was so screwed up but the three other children who grew up in the same household, are 100% well balanced, normal children. The only difference between them is a different father. My ex, DS 21 and I often talk about how we might have been better able to help him growing up and my DS said something interesting. He said, he used to blame his stepdad for all his problems but the last couple of years, he now believes that if it hadn't been for his stepdad, he might have wound up in jail. I don't have the answers as to why some kids go bad but I know that in our case, it wasn't the parenting otherwise the others would be screwed up at least a little. DS 23, DS 15 and DS 13 have only had normal kid problems.

So this kid has been abandoned by his biological father, been in trouble since he was 3, grown up with a pot smoking step dad who was abusive to the point you have PTSD, was shunted around to boarding schools and you describe him as turning bad and blame his genetics. He was turfed out of the parental home at the age of 16, self harms which is a sign of major distress and you still describe him as being genetically flawed and gone bad.

The fact your other children have turned out differently doesn't give you a free ride, they grew up with completely different experiences from him, one of them being growing up with their biological dad.

If his reason for moving back is primarily financial (to save up), is there any other way he could get help with this?

ODD is really complex and beyond the experience of most people’s understanding. It’s often at its worse when more anxious. I would certainly want to look at a formal diagnosis and medication to help him lead a normal life. Weigh things up carefully

What people often don’t get is that the young person themselves isn’t interested in a diagnosis; or in taking medication; and it has to come from them. My DS has ADHD and ODD but at the age of 15 he declared he didn’t want any interventions or medication. His behaviour is extremely challenging; and the fact that he has a diagnosis doesn’t change that! The most important thing is to move the responsibility for their behaviour onto them.

It’s very individual. Good for the young person to make informed decisions if they want to change their behaviour

The only reason I can think of for not wanting to allow your still young child to move back home is if you believe they may physically hurt you, steal etc. he sounds a bit wild, least the funny stuff should keep him relatively lazy. In this current world there are lots nastier drugs he could be hooked on. A pot smoking 21 year old isn’t so unique. He does sound oppositional, but he deserves the chance. Feeling like you had no home to go back to at 21 would be very lonely place to be.

You're not unreasonable because he's an adult, and though he might find it hurtful you don't have a duty towards him anymore. You are so full of misgivings I can't see how it would work in a healthy way.

So nope you're not being unreasonable to say no, but fuck me does this ever highlight why some people should not have children - when they're just going to cast them in the role of the baddie at 3 years old and refuse to put their kid's needs ahead of their own wants throughout their childhood.

YOU introduced the stepfather. YOU packed your kid off to boarding school, further exacerbating the obvious attachment issues he had.

You're not being unreasonable to not live with him now, but take some responsibility and acknowledge that you fucked stuff up during his formative years.

I wouldn't have him back. Your youngest isn't in favour - is she frightened of him? - and you're not at all confident he'll stick to any rules you set, nor that you have the resilience and stability to cope. It could end disastrously.

I would keep the contact and support going and offer to help a bit with the deposit (again!) though only as much as you can afford to wave goodbye to, but if you're having to think about how you'd stop him stealing your car and burgling the neighbours, he's too high a risk.

Hi OP.

I had to have my just 17 yo removed from my home last year.
Sadly his very poor MH made it impossible to the point where the police viewed me as a DV victim.

I had coped for over 6 years with everything. Honestly the daily arguments, violence, my house and belongings trashed not to mention the impact on his younger siblings.

8 months on hes doing alright. He was in a hostel/supported living for 5 months and now has his own flat.

He still has issues however our relationship has improved dramatically and he is no longer violent towards me. He visits and comes for tea but does not stay over. My anxiety cannot cope with that. I can have him visit as I now feel in control as he does not live with me anymore.
Before I was constantly walking on eggshells. I couldn't sleep. I was always worried about what would cause him to kick off.

I love my son and I support him in many ways however he will never live with me again.
I constantly feel guilty but I no longer live in fear and I deserve not to.

He's 21. He can find his way in life without you feeling guilt tripped in to putting your needs aside.

Please don't be forced on to living like you once did.

Yanbu my son is fifteen he has conduct disorder and sounds like your son, living with someone with this is a nightmare and for us dangerous.
All of our mental healths are suffering and despite my son receiving lots of treatment and help, nothing changes, professional's say that he won't change until his behavior is of a real consequence to himself. He won't change unless he wants to. People who don't live like this will never understand what it's like, but I get it op. I would be very very cautious.

Op, I know this must be an excruciating decision to make. But I think the health and safety of your minor children are the priority here.

My older sister beat the crap out of me throughout childhood. She stole from me, lied to get me in trouble, and made my life hell. I didn't feel safe in my home. My parents had a bad marriage, and just weren't equipped to handle her.

I finally got a break when she went to college. I lived with my dad after my parents divorced. But my sister then left school and moved back in with my dad and I. And she did the same shit to me that she had done in our childhood. I had a deadbolt on my bedroom door. I made escape plans after she held a knife to me. It was hell.

It doesn't sound like your son is ready to be back in the family home. Based on my experiences, which don't sound anywhere near what your family has dealt with, I would not him back. Help him from afar, but keep your boundaries with him.

Best of luck to you. Take care of yourself.