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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to consider not letting my 21 year old son move home

138 replies

OMGMyLifeIsCrazy · 11/06/2020 04:31

Just that really. My son has been out of home since he was 16 because he was literally out of control for a number of years. We have an excellent relationship despite all of this though I know he still smokes funny stuff daily. He still has a lot of issues but fortunately, he stopped most of his criminal behaviour once he turned 18. In his defence, a lot of his problems (I think) are as a result of his stepfather being narcissistic and controlling of both him and I. Stepfather is out of the picture now but I've been an emotional wreck for the last few years and I'm terrified that letting him come back to live will just makes things so much worse.

I'm usually one to put others before myself but at the moment, I'm stuggling to fix my own emotional health.

He is wanting to move back home for 3-6 months while he saves to move to a larger city. I haven't answered him about this yet and wonder if I'm being too harsh in thinking he really can't move back in at this time?

OP posts:
Blondebakingmumma · 11/06/2020 07:27

Personally I think everyone living in the house has to agree for him to move back in (rather than majority rules). It will effect their lives too. If you are thinking about having to lock up your valuables, I bet his siblings are too. No drugs in the house would be a deal breaker for me.

Young kids have issues without “something” happening to them. ADHD, ODD etc. there are some really challenging behaviours that are genetic and nothing to do with parenting.

snowballupahill · 11/06/2020 07:28

From a layperson's point of view he sounds like he may have some kind of personality disorder and it sounds also like you have been working hard on your emotional health post your own relationship with his dad. Given that you have two younger children at home who have their own needs you have two clear options a) Follow Aridane's view or b)PeachesandClean. To be clear you need to be ready to enforce boundaries, with the second option and be brave enough to call the police. I would be concerned with two younger children at home esp given the criminal behaviour. If he believes rules don't apply to him (ie laws) I am unclear how he would follow any kind of house rules.

PopsicleHustler · 11/06/2020 07:28

My boys are absolutely maniacs. And although they never got expelled. They are quite the handful. My second son has so much energy, like most boys but this is literally a case of running from room to room howling ridiculous noises. He's 4 but boy is he hard work. I cant imagine a 3 year old being expelled from pre school. They do have SENCO in place at most schools. He should have been getting more help. I am sorry you had a rough time with him and the stepfather. Hope all is better now.

CrowdedHouseinQuarantine · 11/06/2020 07:32

He is 21,
has he been home at all in the last 5 years?
has he been arrested?

i think at 21 you could give him a chance.

CrowdedHouseinQuarantine · 11/06/2020 07:33

otoh if you are an emotional wreck you may not be in the best place to guide him

and of course genetics play a large part, certain behaviours are not learned

copycopypaste · 11/06/2020 07:34

Yanbu. I think at this point you have to put your own mh first. Once your son has moved back in a strongly suspect it won't be 3/6 months before he moves out. Do you also think he'll do 50% of all the cooking and cleaning or will that fall to 'dear old mum' again. He's an adult now and as such needs to continue to stand in his own two feet. If o wanted to move house I'd not think to move back to my parents, it would just take longer to save up

imip · 11/06/2020 07:35

My dd started to become very difficult to parent from 3. At 7 she was diagnosed with ASD. She also has OCD. Now 11, we face lots of challenges, though different to yours. I also have 4 dc, one other is autistic, but not as challenging as dd11. I suspect there is something there, ASD/PDA/ODD. It sounds like you haven’t had much support with this. As your other children don’t agree and I would suspect there is something underlying his behaviour, I wouldn’t want him back. Can you afford to give him the money he needs to move?

I suspect others are correct that in adulthood he may calm down more as it seems he had, but coming back to the family home may see him regress.

rawlikesushi · 11/06/2020 07:37

"he now believes that if it hadn't been for his stepdad, he might have wound up in jail."

" In his defence, a lot of his problems (I think) are as a result of his stepfather being narcissistic and controlling of both him and I. Stepfather is out of the picture now but I've been an emotional wreck for the last few years."

So was his stepfather a positive influence or not?

Nobody should be out of control at 3. He may have an undiagnosed behavioural condition that made parenting him a lot harder compared to his siblings, but it does not sound as if that was managed particularly well.

Whatever the background, I would not allow him home, in light of your more recent posts, unless you had some pretty strong evidence that he was now capable of following the house rules and had a definite plan for moving on.

If you decide to say no make sure you own that decision and do not reference your other children's opinions on the matter - they shouldn't be 'blamed' for the decision.

zafferana · 11/06/2020 07:37

No way would I have him back. He's not going to stop smoking weed - if he did his own mental health would improve and he'd have much more money to save.

This^

Charlieiscool · 11/06/2020 07:39

If he’s smoking weed every day that will not help him settle into family life and work hard to save money. If he is working and clear headed then you could have a chance of managing and supporting him. If he isn’t then you aren’t supporting him, you are enabling him.

Alittleshortforaspacepooper · 11/06/2020 07:39

What's he like now? Do you think he would cause much trouble?

I think that question is more pertinent than what he used to be like as a teenager.

If you really think that he might still steal, lie etc then I wouldn't blame you for saying that he can't move back in. I think a lot of the people on this thread saying YABU don't know what it's like to have one of your children behave like that. It isn't always as simple as just bad parenting vs good parenting. It is possible that telling him he can't stay with you right now because of his past abuse of trust may be a bigger help to him in the long run than being allowed to move back in. It's hard to say for sure without knowing him. That's for you to decide.

Fleetheart · 11/06/2020 07:45

Agree if you are still worried that you would have to keep everything locked up and he’s still going to smoke weed every day then you definitely have to say no. And explain that this is why.

missmouse101 · 11/06/2020 07:49

Can he just move to the 'larger city' and you commit to helping him pay rent there so it's affordable? He is an adult and I doubt he'll be able to dial back on the behaviour he's been used to whilst living away, and suddenly become an easygoing, compliant family member. Once you've left home, I think it's so difficult to go backwards. It's only for a financial reason he wants to return and I see trouble ahead.

Boulshired · 11/06/2020 07:57

Your son it seems was failed medically at a young age. 3 is a very young age to be showing some of the behaviours. He needed help on processing his emotions. I honestly believe if you can both accept that this is not just being born bad it can help understand triggers, the cause and effect. I have a violent child at home (severe learning difficulties) the impact on my DDs mental health is something I have to balance all the time. I would be concerned for your youngest. My rules would be that I would not hesitate to have him removed by the police if there is a negative impact on younger siblings.

Apple1029 · 11/06/2020 08:05

I wouldnt have him back, that's because he has been away from home for so long that you dont know who is coming to live with you. How sure are you that he is going to abide by the rules and not cause problems to the rest of the household.
In saying that I do think you have failed him. Who describes their child as a problem from 3 yo? What did you do back then to help with? And being excluded? How did that not concern you enough to seek help other than to label him as difficult.
The fact that your other 3 kids are 'normal' doesnt mean anything. There was something along the way that affected him/ additional needs.
He was 16, and he left home? That is shocking. He was still a child.

WhatWouldYouDoWhatWouldJesusDo · 11/06/2020 08:08

You caused the damage by allowing his stepfather to emotionally abuse him for years........I think sometimes it's a case of we reap what we sow and I really wish certain posters on here putting shit relationships ahead of their kids would take heed when they see posts like this.

The whole ' oh it's not me, my other 3 are fine' bollocks I see on here really annoys me. No, they're just more emotionally resilient.

I'm one of 4 DC, all of us suffered abuse as children, it followed the same pattern. 3 of us are fine, as in we function ok, we've managed to move on. 1 sibling just can't. And has severe, mental health problems as a result. She's done some awful things over the years but sometimes that's just how it works out.

Bluemoooon · 11/06/2020 08:16

Is he saving his earnings when with you or saving his benefits and at home all day?

romdowa · 11/06/2020 08:26

Speaking from personal experience from having a sibling with similar issues. My answer would be hell no. From what you have said , it really sounds like he hasnt gotten himself sorted out at all since he moved out and I reckon there isn't a hope in hell he will move out again in 6 months time. People experiencing these kinds of issues do not change without serious help and personal work on themselves . The fact that he is smoking the other stuff daily would suggest he hasnt made any attempt at resolving his issues.

Bettybunny23 · 11/06/2020 08:31

Nope don't have him back it sounds like your mental health is already precarious. I would be honest with him as to why and try to come up with a plan as to how he can save money to move without giving up his current rental. Did you ever have a diagnosis for him? i wonder if he uses weed to regulate his emotions.

AlecTrevelyan006 · 11/06/2020 08:36

You should let him move back in

AlecTrevelyan006 · 11/06/2020 08:37

An opportunity to build bridges - 21 is still very young to be rejected

Nearlyalmost50 · 11/06/2020 08:43

No, I wouldn't, for my own sanity, but I would (as it sounds like you do) consider how to support him outside the home, moving closer, getting support from support services and so on. I don't have smoking or weed smoking in/around my house where I live. What people choose to do in their own houses- up to them. I think it's a recipe for disaster, and unlikely to result in a closer relationship between the two of you, or of him saving a huge amount of money (as he doesn't sound like saving is easy for him).

Veterinari · 11/06/2020 08:45

Do not put your children at risk by exposing them to living with their criminal drug smoking brother.

Would all the op saying 'let him move back in' be genuinely happy for their DC to be exposed to an adult that engages in criminal behaviour and is known to break house rules and disrespect their parenting decisions?

Support him to live independently. He's a 21 year old man he doesn't need to live at home. Encourage him to participate in family events/birthdays/days out etc. But he shouldn't move back in.

namesnames · 11/06/2020 08:45

If you feel his stepfather contributed to he's issues, take some responsibility and let him move back in.

You brought this person into his life, your son now needs your help.

The smoking is a separate issue.

Winterwoollies · 11/06/2020 08:48

It does sound like you’ve written him off already and aren’t really sure what he’s been doing since he was 16. But then your post went on to read a bit like you’d written him off at three...