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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to consider not letting my 21 year old son move home

138 replies

OMGMyLifeIsCrazy · 11/06/2020 04:31

Just that really. My son has been out of home since he was 16 because he was literally out of control for a number of years. We have an excellent relationship despite all of this though I know he still smokes funny stuff daily. He still has a lot of issues but fortunately, he stopped most of his criminal behaviour once he turned 18. In his defence, a lot of his problems (I think) are as a result of his stepfather being narcissistic and controlling of both him and I. Stepfather is out of the picture now but I've been an emotional wreck for the last few years and I'm terrified that letting him come back to live will just makes things so much worse.

I'm usually one to put others before myself but at the moment, I'm stuggling to fix my own emotional health.

He is wanting to move back home for 3-6 months while he saves to move to a larger city. I haven't answered him about this yet and wonder if I'm being too harsh in thinking he really can't move back in at this time?

OP posts:
Bookoffacts · 11/06/2020 08:51

Please let him back. He's your son.
My brother died in similar circumstances because my parents wouldn't let him back. I've never forgiven them.

Colom · 11/06/2020 08:54

I feel for you OP but I also feel for your son. Children don't "go bad". They just don't. Behaviour is communication. Perhaps he has undiagnosed ADHD/ODD and he was failed by school etc. but perhaps the change in behaviour was in response to trauma. Trauma doesn't have to be major abuse or neglect, it could be a change in the family structure.

You say he became difficult to manage before his stepfather came on the scene but what was going on around three? When did his dad leave? You say your relationship with his SD was 20+ years so that would suggest he was on the scene from when your son was a baby? Unless you didn't introduce him until later.

Just because your other child doesn't have these problems doesn't necessarily mean they weren't environmental. Different children have different levels of resilience and sensitivity and they would have been at different stages developmentally which would have had an impact their coping mechanisms.

Anyway that's neither here nor there at this stage. You can't change the past but hopefully your son will have a better shot at things going forward. Smoking weed every day does impact on a developing brain so that's concerning. What's his plans for this move to a bigger city? Does he have a view as to what he wants to do with his life job wise? I'd support him if he had a clear plan and as pps have said have a discussion with him laying down the ground rules but I'd want a clearer picture of his plans and frame it that you want to support him to achieve not just drift aimlessly.

Mohiqo · 11/06/2020 08:54

@BobbyBlueHat

In fact I do have a spliff in the evening. It's no different to a glass of wine. Though MN will spout different. It will be legalised soon.

Funny how alcohol is acceptable even though it turns people into drunken, loud, aggressive pouts and weeds just chilled you out.

Never seen a person get irrate and nasty after a spliff. Grew up with nastiness from alcohol. Won't touch the stuff.

It won't be legalised soon, and for very good reason. Have a look at some of the scientific literature and stop being so naive.
Zaphodsotherhead · 11/06/2020 09:03

Setting aside the behaviour issues - do you believe that, should he move home for the 6 months, he will actually save up money? Is he employed? Do you think he will pay you a small amount and save the rest or do you secretly believe he will blow any savings on expensive junk, sit happily at home not contributing and generally control the family with his behaviour?

If you think he will be a responsible family member, then fine. If you think he's just going to use you as a free ride, then no. But only you know what may happen.

Colom · 11/06/2020 09:05

Never seen a person get irrate and nasty after a spliff. Grew up with nastiness from alcohol. Won't touch the stuff.

The OP has stated she has PTSD as a direct result of her ex husband's use of cannabis. To suggest it has no negative impact on a person's behavior is naïve in the extreme.

Dragongirl10 · 11/06/2020 09:06

if he cannot stick to the rules of civilised behaviour and you are not confident he could then...no don't have him back.

It is not reasonable or normal to have to lock up your car keys or tolerate weed smoking. If he cannot behave well he doesn't get to return home.

Like others have said he is an adult and fully responsible for his behavior, many adults had horrible childhoods but manage to be perfectly nice and responsible adults.

mummmy2017 · 11/06/2020 09:12

You need to be a mum to the children you do have.
Please don't let him back, as you seem sorted right now and the children who already live there deserve harmony in their own home.

gingganggooleywotsit · 11/06/2020 09:19

Has he got a job op? How is he at work? I feel for you and don't know why you are getting a hard time, it sounds like you have done your best for him..

gingganggooleywotsit · 11/06/2020 09:20

I would let him back if he is working and not doing weed, and only then on a trual basis. Make it clear that at the first sign of trouble he will have to go.

Jeremyironsnothing · 11/06/2020 09:21

Tell him that you love your relationship now and you don't want tho risk damaging it by putting the pressure on it, of him moving home.

WitsEnding · 11/06/2020 09:24

I wouldn't be letting him in. The potential for disaster for you and your other children living at home is just too great. Of course you will support him as much as you can.

I am very lucky in that all the children in my family are now reasonably law-abiding adults and nice people despite some trying circumstances - but many of the siblings are very different from each other.

DN moved home for a few months to save money and is still there two years later.

SarahMcDonald · 11/06/2020 09:24

You need to look after your own health so you can care for the children you still have at home.

Your son is an adult and responsible for his own choices. Some people on MN are very two faced about this - there’s many threads with dads and step mums boasting about how they won’t pay a penny child support because their child is 18 and an adult.

Or others saying their child is 16 so they let their Bf/ GF stay over because they are an adult and entitled to a sex life.

So 21 is old enough to save a bit harder for his next house move. He could get a second job or even give up the weed to save a bit more.

Intelinside57 · 11/06/2020 09:30

I think a lot of posters are being very unfair on you Op. In a strange way, if your son is reformed enough to be safe to come back home, he should be old enough and mature enough to realise that it wouldn't be the right thing to do. He should care enough for you to recognise that your mental state is fragile and you need some time to heal. You should be able to sit down with him and have an adult conversation and talk this through. That might even mean that you decided to allow him back, but it would be an opportunity to completely clear the air between you.
If he isn't capable of doing that, and being able to discuss how his request might affect you and his siblings, then you've got your answer. He wouldn't be capable of behaving as a calm and rational adult in your home.
You can't be abused all of your life, be it by a partner or a child.

Dragonsanddinosaurs · 11/06/2020 09:30

I don't think you should let him back. It is likely that living together again you would both revert to old behaviour patterns which would be likely to damage your relationship. I would suggest you offer him whatever support you can and explain to him why you cant ave him at home. I'd be very unhappy about the idea of him smoking around the younger ones too.

TitianaTitsling · 11/06/2020 09:31

Is he the only 'step' child of the sibling group? All your other children are great and it's just him who's been the bad one since the age of THREE?! And he's been out of the house since 16, so is he very much the black sheep/bad apple then?

Waveysnail · 11/06/2020 09:39

Was he ever medicated for ADHD? Lots of undiagnosed sufferers self medicated with weed.

Happymum12345 · 11/06/2020 09:42

I would let him move back, especially as it’s just for a few months. Make sure you set the ground rules & stick to them.

Zenithbear · 11/06/2020 09:49

You are definitely not being unreasonable. Help him from a distance if you can/want to.
Don't compromise your boundaries around your own wellbeing

justanotherneighinparadise · 11/06/2020 09:52

God no. In the current climate where no one can even escape the house to school/college/work there is no way I’d have him back. Sounds like it would become the perfect storm and everyone will lose.

All you can do is say that you are happy to support him in a house share somewhere to enable him to save.

Cherrysoup · 11/06/2020 09:54

No bloody way would I let him back. You reckon you’d still have to lock up valuables? Just no, it’s unfair on you, your 2 kids at home and the neighbours! And stop funding his feckless lifestyle! He needs to learn that mum won’t always bail him out.

ErickBroch · 11/06/2020 10:00

I think you are selfish. His stepdad was abusive and he moved out at 16, which nowaways is very very young. You should give him a chance considering the stepdad in his home wasn't his choice but don't allow drugs.

Anydreamwilldo12 · 11/06/2020 10:04

I wouldn't let him come back. By the sounds of it you are going to be a nervous wreck in your own home. Having to lock up valuables and constantly be worrying about what he's up to. It's not fair on your other kids either.

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 11/06/2020 10:09

It sounds as if you've written him off from the age of 3. You chose your partner over him. You abandoned him aged 16 because you couldn't cope.

But...

He is now an adult. Has he taken any responsibility for his behaviour? As he sought his own help? Does he just expect you to look after him?

I know he still smokes funny stuff daily. He still has a lot of issues but fortunately, he stopped most of his criminal behaviour once he turned 18

It sounds as if you are totally minimising his criminal behaviour. You say you're worried about having to lock up your valuables, I'm sure your neighbours will be too. Please also consider your other children.

BrownEyedLady6899 · 11/06/2020 10:18

This is not intending to upset you but you allowed a narcisstic and controlling man in your lives for many years and you kicked your son out rather than his step-father, it sounds like you knew this man was a problem for you and your son but you failed to protect your sons mental health by allowing him to continue living with you. You also haven’t mentioned his biological father? Does he have a relationship with him? 16 is very young for your child to leave the home, I can see how his behaviour and mental health has escalated, as a result of this. You should take your son back but with rules in place, no smoking weed in the house or garden, respecting property and any others which are important to you. I would also spend this time talking to get to the root of his MH problems, listen to him without judgement and guide him through these problems. You’ll always be his mother and he will always need you.

BigChocFrenzy · 11/06/2020 10:33

YANBU

Too risky to let him back
He could really mess up your life and the lives of your other kids

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