AIBU to consider not letting my 21 year old son move home

[OMGMyLifeIsCrazy]

Just that really. My son has been out of home since he was 16 because he was literally out of control for a number of years. We have an excellent relationship despite all of this though I know he still smokes funny stuff daily. He still has a lot of issues but fortunately, he stopped most of his criminal behaviour once he turned 18. In his defence, a lot of his problems (I think) are as a result of his stepfather being narcissistic and controlling of both him and I. Stepfather is out of the picture now but I've been an emotional wreck for the last few years and I'm terrified that letting him come back to live will just makes things so much worse.

I'm usually one to put others before myself but at the moment, I'm stuggling to fix my own emotional health.

He is wanting to move back home for 3-6 months while he saves to move to a larger city. I haven't answered him about this yet and wonder if I'm being too harsh in thinking he really can't move back in at this time?

Your DS sounds a bit like one of mine (an ODD child). Mine was perfect until about 3 but wasn’t really too much of an issue until he went to secondary school (from which he was expelled at 13 and went to a PRU - which actually was best for all of us). He is 22 now and can occasionally be difficult but he is kind and loving. I would let him back but recommend you read ‘The Explosive Child’ by Ross Greene. (‘Lost at School’ was also good). It helped particularly with communication (and still does)!

Good luck

Give him the cash instead.

If you can afford it fund his move to larger city now.

It's not just how you feel. The fact that your younger children are not keen is important too. Would he really stick to the ground rules you set? If he moved in, where would he go if it didn't work out?

Oh dear, one sibling "yes", one sibling "no". That means you get the deciding vote. That must be terribly hard, but you know what, maybe this could be the start of a whole new relationship? Your son's stepfather is now out of the picture, he is slightly older, maybe he has matured and settled down a little? How has his behaviour been recently, do you know? As in, has he held down a job for a while? Has he been in any trouble?

I am totally against any smoking of weed, but reading MN, it seems like a lot of normal, ordinary folk do it on a regular basis with no harm done. Maybe he's just one of those?

And if he is light fingered, maybe that's another rule. If he takes your car, or anything else he shouldn't be helping himself to, then that's another reason he's out on his ear.

I would have to feel that I had done everything I could to give him this chance to better himself. But if he blows this chance then that would be it.

ElaineMarieBenes, ODD was a term that was used a lot around my DS when he was younger. Interestingly, his biological dad was a similar child but he barely had contact with him growing up so his behaviour was never learned.

Sameold2020 and notsureofname - I funded his move out of home and still help him all the time though these days, I make sure that he knows he has to pay it back. When he was 19 he was going to be evicted from his house if he didn't pay arrears of $3k so I loaned it to him - he didn't make any effort to repay and still got evicted a month later anyway. He also lost his bond (that I paid) at the first couple of places. Unfortunately, throwing money his way doesn't really help much.

Thanks everyone. You've given me some good food for thought.

Some harsh replies here. I get where you are coming from as my DS is similar; he is 16 now and has recently moved to his Dad’s. I love him but he was driving me crazy; literally. Where is he living now? I tend to think it’s not really fair on the others to have him back. Is there any way he can come over more often/ you can support him more, but you don’t have him back living with you.

You know what “funny stuff” he is using on a daily basis and on what state such stuff leaves him.

If he was a responsible adult you can trust around the house, you would be unreasonable but many people who have a relative that has gone into crime and are still doing drugs will agree with you it would be stupid to let him come back particularly if you are in a vulnerable position.

My friend decided to let her GS stay after he came out of jail, his parents have banned him out of the house, he was still doing drugs and had nowhere to stay..., he has spent the time stealing from her and the neighbours, injecting heroin In his room and dealing with police bringing him in in a high or hurt every time he over does it.

YANBU

Has he been assessed for PDA?

Fucking hell. If I had an upbringing like that I'd have a spliff a day too.
Poor lad.

I believe this kind of behaviour is in the genes my DS has been diagnosed with ADHD; he is always been a big challenge. His dad was the same growing up- he is calmer now but it took him a long time and he took a lot of drugs. The only way his dad changed was by learning the hard way that you couldn’t treat people like that. My daughter and I are quite different; So I do believe it’s more nature than nurture.

Based on your last post is is wise him moving to a more expensive City and I assume a more expensive flat if you’ve been helping him financially?

On the back of your current posts I’d be very conflicted about him coming back. What happens in 6 months when he’s not got the cash saved or he can’t find a flat that will take him? His sister says no and I guess the fact she says no is the more important decision.

If he’s still difficult and doesn’t respect authority then your good relationship will I assume quickly spiral out of control when your asking him to do x y z. The fact your contemplating having to lock up the valuables suggest you still don’t 100% trust him and that’s not fair on your or the other kids.

In fact I do have a spliff in the evening. It's no different to a glass of wine. Though MN will spout different. It will be legalised soon.

Funny how alcohol is acceptable even though it turns people into drunken, loud, aggressive pouts and weeds just chilled you out.

Never seen a person get irrate and nasty after a spliff. Grew up with nastiness from alcohol. Won't touch the stuff.

It’s six months, he wants to move back in to save....so many young adults do that nowadays.

His a pain in the butt, but his your son and has been gone since 16!! (That’s ridiculous!) so 6 months as his parent I’m sure you can manage!

He didint just turn bad by the way op, people aren’t born bad, something happened to him or your parenting is just drastically bad...that fact he left home at 16 also supports that. The boy is the victim, not you, you choose his step dad....he didint get a choice I imagine.

It’s just 6 months...this whole year is a right off anyway so might as well lump it all together!

@Snowdown24 are you a psychiatrist? Do you know anything about how children’s minds work? There is a huge range of behaviours which can start at the age of about two and which usually expand during puberty. Please don’t blame the mother; it is hard enough bringing up challenging children without blame from people who really don’t understand the issues.

If one of your minor DC does not feel safe with him in the house, then no. But you can't tell him that's the reason.

Offer to help him budget, access drug services maybe, but don't make minor DC live with someone who scares them. Especially as you've only just got the difficult stepfather out.

OP - you claim your DS has issues with employers, etc. Does he currently have a job? If not how does he plan on saving enough money within 6 months to move to another city? If he moved in with you, would he stay in that job? What would happen if he were to lose that job, not save the money then end up staying at yours longer than 6 months? Just things to consider, bearing in mind your own MH.

Puberty doesn’t bring on self harm, criminal behaviour and a mother controlled by his step dad. The now young adult is also a victim, that’s what I’m pointing out.

It sounds like he does not respect your authority and you believe he is likely to steal and lie. Don't let him back.

BobbyBlueHat - I used to think there was no harm in that too while quoting the same things you have about no aggression etc but having just come out of a 20+ year relationship with a daily smoker, I can now say that the MH issues aren't worth it. My ex could be controlling and sometimes unreasonable but we did make it work until he developed severe paranoia and delusional disorder of the jealous type.
Snowdown24 - I used to think it was my fault that my son was so screwed up but the three other children who grew up in the same household, are 100% well balanced, normal children. The only difference between them is a different father. My ex, DS 21 and I often talk about how we might have been better able to help him growing up and my DS said something interesting. He said, he used to blame his stepdad for all his problems but the last couple of years, he now believes that if it hadn't been for his stepdad, he might have wound up in jail.
I don't have the answers as to why some kids go bad but I know that in our case, it wasn't the parenting otherwise the others would be screwed up at least a little. DS 23, DS 15 and DS 13 have only had normal kid problems.

YABU. Sorry, but sounds like a lot of the issues your son had were down to poor parenting decisions, and allowing his stepfather to treat him badly while you watched on. A child doesn’t have the maturity or mental capacity to cope with things and I think maybe now he is starting to take little steps to repair the damage done to him, the least you can do is be by his side. He might revert back again in which case you might need to review the situation, but if you don’t make an effort to guide him now, you’re denying putting right what wrongs have been done to him in the past. I speak as someone who was on the receiving end of broken family life when I was a child.

That’s not true; puberty is the time a lot of conditions like OCD, ODD, ADHD, depression etc become pronounced. Particularly as teenagers often resist the treatment at that age. This in its turn can lead to drug and alcohol problems; impulsive and criminal behaviour. Yes, this boy has suffered but please don’t always look for an external reason (or blame the parents for abysmal parenting) to explain why young people are like they are; mental health is real and causes a lot of issues for children and the parents trying to support them.

What is his personality and way of thinking like now? Has he matured despite smoking that bloody crap...

For me personally I wouldn't let him in the house unless he seriously stopped smoking and promised not to do it again. It's really sad how common weed. We are a somewhat strict family and I wouldn't allow that. I'd probably go mad if I found put my child was smoking drugs. If you want to help him and think he is better now then go ahead. But tell him to quit the crap before he comes through the door. If he can help round the house and get himself back on his feet. No problems

Look after yourself first, OP.

Your son has had many chances to moderate his behaviour and it sounds as if his presence in your home would harm you.

Don’t feel remotely guilty, he doesn’t have the right to treat you as an emotional punchbag while he betters his financial situation.

Could you try to support him to stay elsewhere?