DP Calling me ungrateful

[diamondeyes]

My DP and I are on RS break, we were going through a rough patch of arguing and I moved out. I needed some space to re-evaluate the relationship. He didn't agree but has given me the space. We have been in contact everyday though. He called me today, asked about my day and told me he'd transferred over money for the Netflix subscription. He also said he'd sent over some extra money if I needed it. I said "Oh ok I will send it back, you only need to cover your half of the Netflix" He snapped, said "You don't have to be so ungrateful!" I explained I wasn't and how dare he accuse me of that. He then said "I never said you was, I said you was being that way! No need to create an argument, but let me guess you will carry this on now for hours because that's just you!" I hung up the phone and contemplating not speaking or seeing him again. AIBU!?

Haven't rtft but it comes across like he's hurting.

I wouldn't want an ex/someone I was having a break from to send me a couple of hundred quid. Then you are beholden to them or it creates grounds for them to get arsey if you then split with them.

OP, is he much older than you? Seems like he treats you like a child.

The Netflix thing is petty. If you’re riled over this then it doesn’t look good.
It sounds like you want closure anyway.

You’re not really on a break if you’re talking to him daily.

How on earth do people not understand that unasked for, unwanted, unneeded money sent regardless - without asking first - comes with strings and conditions (for obligatory crawling gratitude) and comes from a desire to control.
WTF do you people not get?

All of the above.

I just see a bit of kindness and thoughtfulness

@bendylikebeckham He's only four years older than me. I do see what you mean by treating me like a child.

"Oh ok I will send it back, you only need to cover your half of the Netflix"

Come on OP, if you actually wanted to be independent and not accept financial help from him anymore then it seems weird you've reiterated he needs to cover half of the Netflix fee. Which would be £3-4...

Him being patronising and you being spoiled aren't necessarily mutually exclusive, it can be both.

Either break up or have a real break (not talking all the time) if there are serious issues. This isn't a break, while you're still communicating so much it's basically just you keeping him at arms length and him trying to persuade you to stay together.

[quote Juliet2014]**@Chickychoccyegg It's not just the Netflix bill, he's sent over a couple hundred extra to "help me out" I never asked for it so I simply told him I'd send it back to him which meant I was being ungrateful apparently. He has always send me amounts of money to "treat myself" but as we're meant to be on a break, I felt he shouldn't really have sent it.

Bollocks.

Otherwise you would have mentioned in your OP rather than the £3 Netflix extra![/quote]
He also said he'd sent over some extra money if I needed it

She did mention it in the OP, just not the amount.

He earns more so presumably contributes more? He likely knows you've not much spare and wants to help/treat you, wtf is the problem?

we were going through a rough patch of arguing and I moved out....We have been in contact everyday though

How is this a break? You've just swapped arguing in person to arguing over the phone!
Other than the physical distance you're not actually having a 'break' from doing each others heads in are you?

How did you end up becoming 'reliant' on him?
I notice you said he didn't agree with you moving out to get some space - and despite having moved out he's on the phone to you about sane old banal shit everyday.

Does he have control issues OP?
Some guys like you to make you 'need' them or 'rely' on them as a form of subtle control.....so on the surface it can be passed off as"oh, he just enjoys looking after me" when in reality it's slowly taking away your self-reliance and lulling you into a false sense of security.

@monkeymonkey210
Apart from that argument, we were getting on fine over the phone. I do agree with yourself and others that it's not a real break. I didn't realise this until hearing it on here.
I think I became reliant on him once we moved in together, I made him my life. I feel like sometimes in relationships we lose ourselves.
I've never felt controlled with him but I will take point on board.

@NameChangeForThisOneToday

Yes, YABU

He sounds nice, you sound a pain

Let him find a nice person. You don’t sound compatible

To update my post
He has text me telling me he's done an extra job at work today where he earned £300 and he wants to send it to me.
I feel a bit freaked out, why is he doing this?

I thought you were on a break?

Block him.

Problem solved.

Having been with a mean, tight-fisted asshole, I’d be so happy to have someone care enough to give me some financial help. It just sounds like you don’t like him anymore, in which case just end it now. I don’t think he’s trying to be controlling at all, he’s just trying to let you know he cares.

if you’re not married, he doesn’t have any real responsibility to look after you whilst you’re apart.

If you really want a break, you need to stop talking to each other, stop taking his handouts and stand on your own two feet. Work out what life would be like without each other and see if the pull to work it out is stronger than the feeling of relief at being apart.

If you were married there could be a case for him paying you the equivalent of maintenance while you’re apart, but as you call him DP I assume not.

In which case, come up with some rules of engagement for this ‘break’ - what are you having a break from? If it’s him being controlling, that’s not happening as he’s still calling the shots financially and then berating you for not being grateful enough. If it’s his criticism of you, stop interacting and let him experience life without you so that he can understand the effect of his constant criticism, that you will leave him.

FWIW my DP and I had a break a couple of years ago. It wasn’t framed as a break, it was a break UP, but as it was, a month or two apart made us both realise that we were happier together and has helped us to work out some deep rooted issues that we had. A break can work, but only if it’s a real break, not just living apart and continuing the same pattens.

I rejected the £300 off him and he acted differently from my OP, he was calm and upbeat. He said "Yeah that's fine, it's there if you want it, I'll put in my savings"
I feel better now, that he handled it was so much better.
I've taken on board all of this advice, it's brilliant and I've told him that I want a full NC break. I do see everyone's POV when you say how can I even feel what it's like being apart from him if we're talking everyday. He has agreed to it so we'll see.

I feel a bit freaked out, why is he doing this?

Because it's what he's always done and it's only since your break you've said not to do it. And the break isn't really a break because you're in constant contact.

So if you really mean what you say, tell him:

"Hi I appreciate you've enjoyed helping me financially and thank you for offering to send that money but I really want to stand on my own two feet and feel I am self sufficient - I don't want to keep apologising and saying no so please can you respect my decision and not offer to send money to me any more? It would mean a lot if you could understand this is important to me. Thanks"

Send something like that. Then stop taking money from him.

If he keeps pushing then he's overstepped boundaries and even more reason to end it.

If he doesn't push it you will soon realise whether or not you regret saying you don't want the ongoing financial help.

This just sounds like a relationship that's run its course to be honest. It shouldn't be this hard for either of you...