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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

DP Calling me ungrateful

119 replies

diamondeyes · 10/06/2020 15:38

My DP and I are on RS break, we were going through a rough patch of arguing and I moved out. I needed some space to re-evaluate the relationship. He didn't agree but has given me the space. We have been in contact everyday though. He called me today, asked about my day and told me he'd transferred over money for the Netflix subscription. He also said he'd sent over some extra money if I needed it. I said "Oh ok I will send it back, you only need to cover your half of the Netflix" He snapped, said "You don't have to be so ungrateful!" I explained I wasn't and how dare he accuse me of that. He then said "I never said you was, I said you was being that way! No need to create an argument, but let me guess you will carry this on now for hours because that's just you!" I hung up the phone and contemplating not speaking or seeing him again. AIBU!?

OP posts:

Ginkypig · 10/06/2020 16:28

You can't have space or time to reevaluate if you are in contact everyday.

Each new interaction breaks the space and each new interaction interrupts the reevaluation because your focus is dragged to the either positive or negative most recent interaction. You may as well still be living together as you aren't really on a break.

I'm not sure about the thing you are asking about specifically as my feeling is there is a bigger picture which is influencing things. It's hard to tell if he is ignoring your boundaries which is causing you to "over"react or if you are being overly unreasonable to a nice gesture.
I suppose as well it depends on what you mean by rough patch because that is quite vague. It could be both of you getting on each other's nerves to one of you is a nightmare or abusive, do you see what I mean?

Thisismytimetoshine · 10/06/2020 16:30

@Mythologies

How on earth do people not understand that unasked for, unwanted, unneeded money sent regardless - without asking first - comes with strings and conditions (for obligatory crawling gratitude) and comes from a desire to control. WTF do you people not get?

Nonsense. Your world sounds a bit bleak and cheerless, tbh.

WorraLiberty · 10/06/2020 16:33

Why are you fuming that he called you ungrateful?

You're not grateful because you want to be independent so you rightfully sent the money back.

It's a good thing that you don't have to be grateful, surely?

goingtotown · 10/06/2020 16:33

He was being generous, you were ungrateful. You’re contemplating not seeing him or speaking to him again. He probably feels the same. End it.

Mojitomogul · 10/06/2020 16:34

I dont think I could be in a relationship where we argue about the netflix bill. Relationships are a bit of give and take..it shouldnt be so hard when it comes to small stuff

alittlelower · 10/06/2020 16:34

Dunno about his motivations or yours in that row, but I don't think relationships can be healed by not being together. If you are at that stage it is probably over.

sadeyedladyofthelowlandsea · 10/06/2020 16:36

@Mythologies

Um, no. In some situations, yes. Not in every situation.

OP, you sound like the two of you just spark each other off. From the outside, it sounds as though he thought he was doing a nice - albeit perhaps patronising - thing. You were annoyed. He got pissed off that you were annoyed.

How long have you been together?

TwentyViginti · 10/06/2020 16:36

It sounds like you felt suffocated by his need to 'look after' you. Was he controlling, but disguising it under the guise of looking after you? Was he slipping into a parental role with you?

Hardly a RS break anyway, if you're in contact daily.

Megatron · 10/06/2020 16:39

@Mythologies

Maybe in your world. I often punt a few quid to DSS and can assure you there are no 'strings and conditions' nor am I trying to 'control' him, what a sad way to conduct your life.

Perhaps 'you people' are not the odd ones.

Babyboomtastic · 10/06/2020 16:43

How much extra money are we talking about here? Are you arguing over a fiver or £200?

Pinkyyy · 10/06/2020 16:44

Sounds like you were being unreasonable in my opinion

Fairenuff · 10/06/2020 16:47

Why are you in contact every day? That doesn't sounds much a like a break to me. It sounds like a relationship.

Cadent · 10/06/2020 16:47

What is an RS break?

A break in the Republic of Serbia?

BobbieDraper · 10/06/2020 16:47

You realise you srent actually on a break right? It's not a break with daily contact. You've changed your relationship from living together to long distance with digital contact.

You need to set a time; 3 months or whatever, and do not contact each other. Then you meet and both say whether or not you want to stay together.

Aquamarine1029 · 10/06/2020 16:50

This relationship should end because it's shit and you're not suited for each other. It really shouldn't be this hard. Admit it needs to end and move on.

Meltedwellie · 10/06/2020 16:50

You sound like hard work. If he annoys you and you don’t want to be with him, end it.

AryaStarkWolf · 10/06/2020 16:50

You're not really having a Relationship break if you're still arguing and in contact with eachother. Seems like maybe the relationship has run it's course.

Just regarding the actual argument though, I think people are being a little unfair to you, money and independance is obviously a reason why you were arguing/felt like you needed this break, if you do want to try again with your relationship maybe you need to sit down and speak to him about money in general instead of using something as small as the netflix account to hope he guesses what you need/want?

Sugartitss · 10/06/2020 16:52

I think your relationship is absolutely fucked if you’re splitting the cost of Netflix.

Sally872 · 10/06/2020 16:53

He knew he didnt "need" to give you it so I would have said "thanks for the thought but just your half of Netflix's is fine"

He shouldn't have snapped though and if one of your issues was him taking care of you and feeling dependent it was thoughtless to give you more. Unless he is worried you would struggle.

dworky · 10/06/2020 16:53

@sonjadog

It sounds like he was trying to do something nice and you were really unpleasant to him back. If you want to end it with him, tell him in a decent manner, don't snipe and hang up on him.

Giving someone something they don't want and then berating them for refusing it is not 'nice'.

kingcharlesbaby · 10/06/2020 16:55

@Sugartitss

I think your relationship is absolutely fucked if you’re splitting the cost of Netflix.

This 👆🏽👆🏽👆🏽👆🏽👆🏽👆🏽👆🏽with absolute bells on

Wife2b · 10/06/2020 16:57

He shouldn’t of apologised to you, what he did was kind and thoughtful. You could of just accepted it graciously. For the poster calling it controlling - that’s a reach ffs. Can anyone do something nice without it being controlling? You should apologise for being off with with him and snapping, your response was ungrateful, frankly he put it politely.

PhilTheGroundhog · 10/06/2020 17:00

Do yourself a favour; get your own Netflix account and cut all contact.

pinkyredrose · 10/06/2020 17:04

If he's annoying you that much then your relationship is over.

Sceptre86 · 10/06/2020 17:06

You do sound ungrateful. If the relationship is over from your point of view have the decency to be honest with him. Make a fresh start for yourself.

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