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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

MIL and her allergies

102 replies

Cryingmakesmecry · 10/06/2020 13:44

MIL is moving in with us, she has severe allergies to the following:

Garlic
Chives
Celery
Salad onions/spring onions
Anything else from the garlic family
Penicillin

She doesn’t carry an epi pen, and doesn’t want to get one from the doctors.

Would you keep any of the above in the house? DH says it’s fine to keep but I’m scared of cross contamination even if I kept them separate from everything else.

I do most of the cooking and am very careful with her, I’ve also got a separate chopping board for when I’m preparing meals that include her. She moves in officially from next week so wondering if I need to do a cull of dried herbs etc before then.

Those who live with people with severe allergies, what do you do?

YABU: don’t get rid of anything just keep it separate

YANBU: get rid of everything and accept a life free of garlic bread Sad

Thank you!

OP posts:
overtimewoes · 10/06/2020 15:38

If an allergy is ‘severe’ you need an epipen, simple.

I would dispute this. I have a severe allergy to a food stuff. I don't have or need an epipen. I would however require admittance to hospital as it causes severe intestinal bleeding. Thankfully it is an easily avoidable food stuff and I need a quantity (most of a portion) before it would be deadly. Nevertheless, it would be deadly.

If it is anaphylaxis then she really should have an epipen though!

I wouldn't have them in the house.

SarahTancredi · 10/06/2020 15:39

No epi pen no moving in.

She needs to take some responsibility. God knows she probably messed up herself let alone a family member whose never had to deal with it before.

It's an unreasonable burden to place on you when she has no intention of even helping herself

Bellesavage · 10/06/2020 15:41

You need to establish whether it's a non-ige or ige allergy. People with non-ige won't need an epi pen but might experience severe vomiting, skin complaints, drops in blood pressure and shock. A

magicmallow · 10/06/2020 15:58

agree with others - no epi pen, no moving in.

ShredMeJillianIWantToBeNatalie · 10/06/2020 16:03

If she’s been prescribed an Epipen in the past then that suggests either that her allergy is such that she requires one, or that she’s been told she no longer requires one, or that she herself has decided that she no longer requires one. Frankly, I’d want to know which.

My son requires Epipens and given the seriousness of getting it wrong it’s not something you take a punt on. You need to know exactly why she no longer has one.

sunflowersandtulips50 · 10/06/2020 16:05

My DS has carried an epipen since he was a baby and he is a teen now. I think you need to understand how bad the allergies are. My DS has daily anti histamine too.

My son has severe to nuts however vomits if he has eggs, chilli or too much wheat and has an outbreak of eczema.

I have all these things in the house apart from nuts, my DS knows what he can and cannot eat. Your dealing with an adult so she needs to guide you.

ShredMeJillianIWantToBeNatalie · 10/06/2020 16:06

My concern would be as others have pointed out - it’s not just a question of “we’ll cook you a separate lasagne (or whatever) without onions.” Those are very common ingredients in processed foods, and it’s asking too much of you to keep her safe without full disclosure.

Original poster
Cryingmakesmecry · 10/06/2020 16:08

Some of these comments have given me a real giggle despite the difficult situation!! I’m not jumping for joy at her moving but unfortunately there’s no other choice as she has no money to pay for her own house Sad

To previous poster, if it was my toddler DD, you’re right. I wouldn’t even allow anything in the house so maybe that’s my best bet!

Not sure how extreme the allergy is but one time we went into a cafe and it smelt like garlic and she made a big fuss about sitting outside and then did a very over dramatic cough. I swear that isn’t me trying to be funny! I guess even if it is her being over dramatic it’s just not worth the risk so will keep them out of the house.

I will also push for the epi pen, especially if it’s a case of £200 at most! I’d thought it would be way way more. She won’t use NHS services at all (where she comes from originally there is only private healthcare) so I’m guessing that means it will be £200 for the two?

OP posts:
jebthesheep · 10/06/2020 16:09

It is extremely annoying when people characterise intolerance and severe allergy/anaphylaxis - but where there is any doubt, you have to assume the worst. If she has had an Epipen in the past then a medical professional has concluded she is at risk from anaphylaxis.
The Epipen is a deal breaker - any professional person taking any responsibility for person who should have an Epipen will close the door if they haven’t got one (I speak as mum with ana child - if they don't insist on 2 pens while my child is with them, I will walk away every time no matter what. It means they don't get it.)
Aside from that an MIL chopping board and depending on sensitivity cooking and eating equipment - if she is hyper sensitive)
You get used to different cooking rules quite quickly - but if she wont take it seriously, it puts a far greater burden on you and that is not fair.

BumbleBeee69 · 10/06/2020 16:09

I wouldn't let someone with severe allergies move in without first taking responsibility themselves.

This Confused

Original poster
Cryingmakesmecry · 10/06/2020 16:11

Yeah, I do all of our meals as I bulk cook and then freeze.

Where she currently lives consists of a very bland diet which I think she’s happy with there but when we did a trial run, there were a few nights that I reheated meals I’d previously made that she couldn’t eat and she was a little passive aggressive Blush there’s no way I could just not cook for her!

OP posts:
lottiegarbanzo · 10/06/2020 16:14

Epipens are not magic lifesavers. They buy you time, that's all. They don't stop people from dying, in really severe cases.

If your reaction is so strong that it's going to kill you, it will do so, whether or not you sustain yourself for a few extra minutes with an epipen. All the epipen does is promote opposite physiological responses to those created by the allergic reaction, for a short time. It does not stop the allergic reaction. The reaction will carry on after the epipen's effect runs out and keep going until you're dead.

If your reaction is a 'medium' one that could go either way, then an epipen could buy you enough time to get you to hospital, where treatment will assist your body's recovery, as (if) the reaction subsides. The reaction itself cannot be stopped though.

Just like ventilators just give your body an oxygen boost, so a chance to fight covid infection, they don't prevent, stop or reverse that infection or its physically damaging effects. They just give your body a chance to fight. It's the same with an allergic reaction.

So yes, epipens are useful and they can help and can make a difference. They are not however a miracle cure for severe allergic reactions.

Gitfeatures · 10/06/2020 16:15

You are mad to let this woman move in.

But I expect you already know this.

Good luck, I fear you may need it.

SisyphusAndTheRockOfUntidiness · 10/06/2020 16:16

So she's not willing to take responsibility for her own health, but she expects you to take responsibility for her health? Whose idea was it that she move in? Whose idea was it that you cook for her? She'd be on ready meals, that she had chosen, ordered, sourced, etc, if she was my MIL. Can your DH not deal with her dietary needs? Completely unwilling to take responsibility for herself = No Thanks.

lottiegarbanzo · 10/06/2020 16:17

So what you really need to know is the true severity of her allergy.

SnuggyBuggy · 10/06/2020 16:22

You need to think long and hard about whether you can cope with her moving in. I'd find the lack of epi pen very stressful.

lyralalala · 10/06/2020 16:23

@Cryingmakesmecry

Some of these comments have given me a real giggle despite the difficult situation!! I’m not jumping for joy at her moving but unfortunately there’s no other choice as she has no money to pay for her own house Sad

To previous poster, if it was my toddler DD, you’re right. I wouldn’t even allow anything in the house so maybe that’s my best bet!

Not sure how extreme the allergy is but one time we went into a cafe and it smelt like garlic and she made a big fuss about sitting outside and then did a very over dramatic cough. I swear that isn’t me trying to be funny! I guess even if it is her being over dramatic it’s just not worth the risk so will keep them out of the house.

I will also push for the epi pen, especially if it’s a case of £200 at most! I’d thought it would be way way more. She won’t use NHS services at all (where she comes from originally there is only private healthcare) so I’m guessing that means it will be £200 for the two?

As someone who lives with their MIL - you need to sit down with her and your DH and hash certain things out now. Before she moves in.

It's not the big things that make living with someone difficult. It's the little things that niggle and irk and drive you mad.

If she's going to live in your home with you then she needs to be considerate of you, and of the fact that you have a young child who may accidentally bring things home (you don't want to discover on cooking day at school when your DC brings home garlic bread that they've just accidentally killed Granny!). So for that, if she gets anphylaxis she needs to have epi-pens at home.

The comment about not using the NHS is concerning. Is she registered with the GP? What's going to happen if she gets unwell while living with you? Does she expect you to pay for private care?

Not using the NHS doesn't sound like a luxury she can afford.

Where she currently lives consists of a very bland diet which I think she’s happy with there but when we did a trial run, there were a few nights that I reheated meals I’d previously made that she couldn’t eat and she was a little passive aggressive blush there’s no way I could just not cook for her!

That needs discussed and nipped in the bud. It sounds like she expects you to cater for her with every meal with the same meal. Are you happy to do that?

I wouldn't be. My MIL has a couple of things that she really doesn't like. On the nights we have them she has something else (I also bulk cook and reheat). She doesn't expect that we all cater to her food choices. It sounds like your MIL might.

How supportive is your DH? Will he stand up to his mother or will he go for appeasement to keep the peace with her?

I get on brilliantly with MIL, but it takes effort from all of us to make it work. If your MIL isn't prepared to make that effort then life will be much more difficult.

Winterwoollies · 10/06/2020 16:30

So she can’t afford her own house but refuses to use NHS care, instead preferring private healthcare. Are you expected to pay for that?

She also was passive aggressive when you reheated food you’d already bulk made that she would be unable to eat?

She’s also refusing an epipen, despite her severe allium allergy?

She’s also happy for you, her daughter in law, to cater to her requirements and whims, while she lives free at your house?

Oh OP, she sounds like a fucking nightmare. The very best of luck to you. I mean that.

Caughtinheadlights · 10/06/2020 16:32

MrsToothyBitch
"I simply wouldn't keep my MiL in the house. Certainly not without an epi pen."

That's hilarious

Anon22 · 10/06/2020 16:49

Before she moves in, she needs to be in control of her management of her allergies. Get a copy of her allergy treatment plan which will tell her/you how to manage a mild, moderate or severe reaction. It should say which anti-histamine and dosage she should take for a mild reaction and whether or not she has been issued with an auto-injector (epi-pen etc) for a severe reaction. The treatment plan will have been issued by the allergy clinic following testing, her GP will also have a copy.

As someone with severe allergies, (I have an auto-injector and have used it several times) I think it is unacceptable for you not to be able to consume garlic etc in your own home. When I eat out, I accept that my allergen will be present in a commercial kitchen and it is a risk I take, clearly the same for your MIL if she was happy to eat at that cafe with you.

oohnicevase · 10/06/2020 16:51

How do other people manage though ? Surely you would get social housing in her case ? Otherwise everyone would have their parents living with them ?? Have you explored this alternative .. honestly you are way nicer / tolerant than me .

ShredMeJillianIWantToBeNatalie · 10/06/2020 16:54

Epipens are £99 for two. You still need a prescription though. There’s no reason for her not to speak to her GP about this.

sunflowersandtulips50 · 10/06/2020 16:54

Sorry but she sounds like an arse- smelling garlic and running out and doing one big dramtic cough isnt allergy. My DS starts to itch around the eyes and face and hives come up when he is around peanuts and coughs alot and vomits.

If your moving her in she needs to be honest about her allergies, it is too serious to be listening to her nonsense.

SnuggyBuggy · 10/06/2020 16:57

Be honest OP, you are the one who is going to be expected to take responsibility for and manage this woman's condition.

Aquamarine1029 · 10/06/2020 16:59

I think your MIL is full of shit. Her attitude and behaviour just doesn't add up. She's deathly allergic but can't be bothered getting an epi-pen? Right. Her moving in is going to be a huge mistake.