To feel constantly on edge in my own garden

[mumofnoisykids1]

Since lockdown began and my kids have been off of school and pre school we have been spending lots of time in our garden thanks to the lovely weather. However, we live in a new build estate and on a row of 4 houses. We are on one end so only have neighbours on one side. The other 3 houses are all family's as well with kids of similar and older ages to mine (2 & 5)

My boys are so loud in the garden playing games with each other and on their climbing frame. If they start to argue I will take them inside as I know no one wants to listen to kids argue but that is rare. They are just running around shouting at each other as part of their games.

Recently I've noticed that my neighbours and the next door but 1 will go back into their houses and close the garden doors within 5 minutes of me letting my kids outside. Say after lunch or in the morning.

I'm starting to feel on edge in my garden and telling the kids to keep the noise down; taking them inside if they start playing too loudly. It could be a complete coincidence that they choose to go inside at that time but it doesn't feel like it.

So AIBU to feel on edge and tell the kids to be quiet or should I just ignore it and let my kids play how they want to

[PleasePassTheCoffeeThanks]

Kids playing, laughing, occasional shout etc is absolutely fine.
Kids shouting at eachother constantly, screaming for the sake of it etc I would think the parents were quite rude if they didn't try to make it quieter. Especially if it every day.

[bettybr2020]

Ignore - at the end of the day it's your garden and kids need space to play and be themselves

[Walkingtohealth]

@Homemadeandfromscratch

You do realise park's are still closed and many beach areas, are discouraging visitors right?

Lots of families have no option but to use their garden and that's if they are lucky enough to have one.

Sometimes children will be loud, especially at age 2 and 5. Nowhere does the OP say that she ignores this but you've snipped and bitched at her right throughout this thread starting by suggesting she sounds " like a neighbour from hell". I mean wtf? You don't even know her and have no idea if that nasty comment was true.

Perhaps keep in mind that she's a human being eh?

I bet you were posting #bekind a few, weeks back.

[airbags]

Kids need space to play but constant loud play is really annoying. I've told mine to keep it down over the years. A neighbour of mine has taken to sending his 4 noisy kids out of their own garden to play on a patch of land right next to my garden and I've been having to close my windows as I work from home. By your own admission your kids are noisy. Kids don't need to shout and scream all the time. Time to teach them to use their volume switches and try to keep it at a respectable level.

[NoIDontWatchLoveIsland]

If even you are aware that they are loud, are they very unusually loud, for their age?

Normal childish exuberance is fine, excluding early mornings and in the evenings but perhaps your kids are screaming excessively and need a bit of reining in. Do get their ears checked OP - my friends son was very loud and it turned out his ears were totally blocked.

[eatsleepread]

If you genuinely do ask them to keep the noise down (loud shrieking is banned in my garden, as it is fucking annoying for neighbours), then I don't suppose there is much else you can do.

[BayLeaves]

Laughing giggling? yes, constantly shouting at each other? no way.

I agree. Laughing, saying "wheee!" as they go down a slide, the occasional 'ready or not, here I come!' when playing hide and seek, etc... I have no problem with that. But shouting loudly and aggressively in their role play as knights, police etc. becomes really grating after a while, it's definitely hard to relax when you have that constant noise.

I have taught my 6 year old to keep his volume down and I didn't appreciate how well he's taken it on board until I realised how much louder the other neighbourhood kids are constantly yelling outside. One of his friends talks in a loud booming voice all the time and we don't have that kid over to play anymore because it's too loud with my husband WFH.

Do these kids grow up to be those annoying adults that talk at an obnoxiously loud volume?!

[goingtotown]

Screaming & shouting every day is not normal play. I live next door to three children 3, 6 & 8 I love hearing them play they may get loud at times & I accept it’s normal, but not every day,
I’m surprised your neighbours haven’t mentioned the noise to you instead of closing their doors & probably seething.

[cakewench]

Honestly, I think you’re overthinking it.

It’s possible they’re going indoors because of your children, if they are shouting often as you suggested they might be. However, that doesn’t mean they’re being passive aggressive as some have said. I’d probably do the same tbh, depending on my mood. I wouldn’t be doing it to somehow make a point; maybe I just wasn’t in the mood to listen to shouting? I know children make noise and sometimes I don’t need to be right next to it. It’s not a personality flaw on anyone’s part.

I suspect as they haven’t made a complaint, they’re accepting the situation as part of living in fairly close quarters.

Side note, I think the neighbours behind us and down a few are having a proper war of noise. One side has allowed their children to bounce their basketball against the wall of their (semi-detached) house. If you are those people, please only do this if you absolutely hate your attached neighbours, because surely that must reverberate through both houses.

[StarUtopia]

My neighbour has sold his house due to the noise my kids are making. I kid you not. He even got full asking price (Madness!!!)

He first complained to our other neighbour - she rightly said, well where on earth would you like them to play?

He then told us he was moving because our kids playing and making noise were making him ill.

No music. No swearing. No anti-social behaviour. KIDS PLAYING.

[dontdisturbmenow]

Ignore ignore. Any parent who has got a garden to let their children burn off energy in is very lucky and I can only imagine how much of a relief it is for you
A garden is not a place to burn out energy, that's the problem. Do you let kids go crazy in a flat when you know the neighbours can hear it all?

Why is garden considered like a park rather than an extension of inside space?

As for the compromise, this is all good, but as we are in the UK where 7 days of sunshine is almost unheard off, who gets to stay in the day it's beautiful warm sunshine and who gets the days it's raining?

[RedskyAtnight]

I like going out to my garden for some peace and quiet (from my own family). If a neighbour comes out into their garden, I take myself off for a walk for said peace and quiet. My neighbours are not particularly loud and I in no way expect them to moderate their (perfectly normal level of) noise. It's my issue that I want it totally quiet and accept that the onus is on me to take myself elsewhere, not expect everyone else to be quiet! So, you may be taking this too much too heart.

I'm equally not sure what's passive aggressive about my behaviour (as someone else has suggested). I like it quiet, I go somewhere quiet. Should I stay in the garden even if I don't want to?

[Immigrantsong]

OP if you have noticed that your neighbours are bothered and you acknowledge your kids are noisy, then you are aware you should manage the situation. People may be working from home and need to concentrate. Also as much as you love your DC, I can guarantee you that others don't feel the same and they may be bothered by things that are ok with you, like playing sounds. Mine are similar ages and I get them indoors when they become loud and potentially bothersome. We also avoid the garden too early in the morning, lunchtime and from 6pm onwards. I keep an eye to them and issue warnings if they are loud. If they don't listen they come in and don't even whinge about it anymore as they know what the rules are. You are their parent, so you can manage them. You could also have a chat with your neighbours if you know them and ask them if there is a time they are particularly busy for you to be aware and not bother them with playing noise.

[HelloMoto3]

I don’t mind at all when my neighbours’ kids play outside. We don’t have children but both my neighbours do. They are a bit noisy and the girl next door accidentally watered me with a hose but it’s nice really (although I do sometimes pop in if they want to have a long shouty game because I’m a grumpy old fart - nothing against their fun). My neighbour thinks we care about her kids shouting but we really don’t. Agree that particularly at the moment we all need to be as tolerant as possible

[dontdisturbmenow]

My neighbour has sold his house due to the noise my kids are making. I kid you not.
Yep, that will be us next year. Next door is rented and as it has large garden, all tenants have had at least 3 kids and it's been he'll. Currently 4 kids under 7 and the parents leave them out on their own for hours to occupy themselves. They scream, shout, argue, fight cry and it's hell. It is taken away our pleasure to enjoy our garden totally. So sadly as we love the house, we will be moving somewhere where such neighbours are much less likely and praying for respite.

[Thehogfatherstolemycurry]

Why on earth don't you just talk to your neighbour?
When you go out and she's out "hiya Hilda, nice day, does the noise of the kids bother you at all now we're all stuck in so much more? If it does just say and I'll teach them to keep it down a bit"

She'll either way "yes it's a bit loud sometimes but I understand, it's fine I can just close my door when I've had enough" of "yes they're doing my head in" or "no it's fine, no problem"
but you'll at least know.
It's beyond me why people don't just communicate!

[Thisismytimetoshine]

When you go out and she's out "hiya Hilda, nice day, does the noise of the kids bother you at all now we're all stuck in so much more? If it does just say and I'll teach them to keep it down a bit"
Why would you, though, instead of just, you know, teaching them to keep it down a bit without having to be bloody told to?

[Inkpaperstars]

I think you need to control the noise level a bit better so it is more acceptable, and not have them out there all day so the neighbours have a break.

[wink1970]

My neighbours go in when DH and I go out!

I only noticed it recently, but then realised they have done this for ages. I asked them... turns out they like to go in at about 5pm to watch TV, which is just as we go out after WFH.

[Fundays12]

Let your kids play outside but try teach them not to scream and shout. It’s a really good lesson for life. I personally don’t mind kids being out playing when they are laughing and chattering. I don’t want to listen to anyone’s kids (including my own) scream and shout all day while in the privacy of my own garden. If you find your own kids loud other people will find them louder.

I am not being critical but saying this as a parent of a child who has autism and adhd and can be very loud. He knows if he shouts and screams outside he gets taken in as does my 3 year old.

[AmeliaTaylor]

15 Thehogfatherstolemycurry

Tbf I think most people are so conflict avoidant, even if OP asks directly they’re not likely to say to her face her kids are a nightmare.

Just keep it down, it’s courtesy.

[pinktaxi]

If they're doing that screaming and shouting kids in the school playground do, then I'd not be happy. I would ask them to tone it down though if it's constant throughout the day.

[Thehogfatherstolemycurry]

@Thisismytimetoshine yes I agree teach them consideration and how to play not SO loudly but op doesn't seem to have done this so I figured she might as well communicate with her.
@Amelia why would it be a conflict? She can just chat with her neighbour!

[Thingsthatgo]

I think it’s remarkably kind of them to take themselves inside rather than ask you to keep the noise down.

[AlessandroVasectomi]

This issue has come up several times since lockdown began and I daresay it has been aired many times before. it is a perennial problem, lockdown or not.

I have not entered into the discussion before now because the majority view seems to have been that noisy children are all part of 'urban noise' and those who are troubled by it should get over it. However, I notice a change of majority view in this thread.

We live on what would be regarded as a mature estate. There are houses with young children, but the majority are empty nesters (like us) or have older children. The house that backs on to our NDNs' garden has noisy children and we and the NDNs have had to suffer every summer since the family moved in about 5 years ago. The children will play happily for so long until one will antagonise one or both of the other two and then the screaming starts. One of the children continually calls for Mummy and it can continue for some time until a parent intervenes. As a parent, it can be very stressful to have to hear. A couple of summers ago NDN raised the issue of the noise with the parents over the garden fence and they agreed that their children were noisy, but seemed clueless as to what to do about it.

So, fast forward to this summer/spring. A few weeks ago NDN discovered these children in his garden and he completely lost it. We heard him yell to the parents who were indoors, blissfully unaware of what their children were up to. The mother eventually came out and we heard him say that this was the last straw, she and her husband had no control over their children etc, etc, etc. We actually found the whole thing quite troubling because we have lived next door to these NDN for 32 years and an outburst like that is completely out of character.

So we wrote the parents a letter, explaining that we were shocked by the outburst, but that NDN were not the only people who were disturbed by their noisy children and asking them to exercise a little more parental supervision so that we could all enjoy our gardens in the way we want to. We spent ages trying to word the letter diplomatically, in non-accusatory terms and appealing to their sense of reasonableness. Lockdown meant of course that we couldn't go to their house and speak to them, so writing a letter enabled us to choose our words carefully. The letter was duly popped through their letter box.

A few days later, we received a written reply from the parents. It was apologetic and they promised to try harder, although they could make no guarantees as their children are young. Fair enough. We wanted to rush round to their house and thank them there and then for their helpful and conciliatory response, but again lockdown prevented us. NDN did however thank them over the garden fence for their helpful attitude and hopefully any ill-feeling has been resolved.

A few weeks on , we now hear almost no sound of the children from their garden and in truth we feel a little sorry for them. We didn't ask for silence, we just asked for the parents to be a little more vigilant and to intervene sooner when either the children call out for their parents or WW3 sounds imminent.

The OP sounds as though she exercises the right amount of supervision and is well aware of how noisy her children are. As the parent of four grown-up sons, I would say continue to remind your children of the need to be aware of other people and how they might feel about noise in the garden. It is a long and tedious process, but your children will be all the more considerate adults for it.