To feel constantly on edge in my own garden

[mumofnoisykids1]

Since lockdown began and my kids have been off of school and pre school we have been spending lots of time in our garden thanks to the lovely weather. However, we live in a new build estate and on a row of 4 houses. We are on one end so only have neighbours on one side. The other 3 houses are all family's as well with kids of similar and older ages to mine (2 & 5)

My boys are so loud in the garden playing games with each other and on their climbing frame. If they start to argue I will take them inside as I know no one wants to listen to kids argue but that is rare. They are just running around shouting at each other as part of their games.

Recently I've noticed that my neighbours and the next door but 1 will go back into their houses and close the garden doors within 5 minutes of me letting my kids outside. Say after lunch or in the morning.

I'm starting to feel on edge in my garden and telling the kids to keep the noise down; taking them inside if they start playing too loudly. It could be a complete coincidence that they choose to go inside at that time but it doesn't feel like it.

So AIBU to feel on edge and tell the kids to be quiet or should I just ignore it and let my kids play how they want to

[corythatwas]

I love hearing children play.

But if I want to use the garden for reading or thinking, which is what I usually do use my garden for, then I go inside if they're noisy, because I can't concentrate.

This is not me being passive-aggressive, just me wanting to use my own garden for purposes that suit me. I can't live my whole life as a comment on other people, whether positive or negative.

[UserFriendly14]

Apologies, passive aggressive was the wrong term to use. I just meant that perhaps the neighbours would be better raising it with OP if they had a an issue.

[EmeraldShamrock]

@mumofnoisykids1 Honestly chill a bit they're entitled to have some fun calling each other and climbing in the garden.
It is not all day. The neighbours know your routine.
The silent streets have seemed weird like a horror movie, although I worry about the DC mixing again it is nice hearing them out again.
Like birds mine are staying in the garden for a few more weeks.

[JinglingHellsBells]

You can't seem to make up your mind OP if their noise level is acceptable or not.

Unless you get your head round this, you won't change them.

My stance on this is that ALL neighbours should enjoy their gardens.

That is impossible if other kids are making a helluva racket.

Some people do actually like to sit in a garden in silence and listen to the birds or clear their minds.

You do need to get your kids to tone it down.

Just because your neighbours haven't complained doesn't mean they are happy with the noise.

I have neighbours with 2 noisy kids in the garden. I have not complained but it annoys me like hell when I want to sit outside and read a book or just chill out and the kids are screaming and shouting.

All it needs is for you to teach them to have some consideration for others.

When I was a child I was always brought up to consider other people and not be selfish.

Somehow many parents now don't seem to work along those lines.

[PipGirl404]

I don't know why you're feeling on edge.

All they're doing is deciding to go inside because your kids are making a racket.

They are huffing and puffing and slamming the doors.

Do you expect them to stay outside and have to listen to your kids screeching just to avoid upsetting you?

[EmeraldShamrock]

There is a primary school near us. I love to hear the noise they make at playtime and miss it Me too. My DC's school is very close I miss the sound of chatter and giggles daily at yard time.

[chrislilleyswig]

OP it doesn't sound as if they're making too much noise

I would go in too but only because I love peace and quiet

I wouldn't grudge you using your gardens, but I don't want to listen

[heartsonacake]

I sit out with them and constantly telling them to keep it down but also seems a bit mean. They are just trying to play.

It’s not mean; you’re their parent, you’re meant to teach them to respect others.

If you just sit there and every now and then give a half arsed “be quiet” they aren’t going to listen to you and you aren’t parenting them.

[PipGirl404]

Aren't huffing and puffing *

That should say.

Ft fingers

[ASimpleLampoon]

OP I sometimes do this because I'm autistic and ordinary sounds can be painful for me. I have ear defenders, ear plugs and earphones to manage it but sometimes I've had enough time in the garden so I go back inside rather than use them. Ironically, my children are very loud so I try to manage them too. It's a reality of the present time that people are in lot more and there are more opportunities to be annoyed by other people's habits. Work out your own coping strategies and don't let other peoples' bother you. Could you start a conversation with them about something else to break the ice and then try to mention it to see if they really are bothered. That is, if you really could do more to mitigate it, it seems you are already trying your best.

[corythatwas]

Apologies, passive aggressive was the wrong term to use. I just meant that perhaps the neighbours would be better raising it with OP if they had a an issue.

I don't have an issue with the neighbours' kids enjoying their garden: I am glad to see them do it. It's just that I have to be a in place where I can get on with what I want to do, whether that is read or work or have a gentle snooze. Just as if I was in the house and someone started doing (perfectly legitimate) DIY in the middle of the day I wouldn't tell them to stop, I'd move away from the source of the noise.

[ATomeOfOnesOwn]

I think if you feel they're loud and the neighbours are going in because of them, then they're probably too loud. A garden isn't the same as a park or a football pitch so you maybe need to work harder on getting them to go to each other and speak rather than having them shouting across the garden.

[AmeliaTaylor]

They are huffing and puffing and slamming the doors.

PipGirl404

There is absolutely nothing in the OP or subsequent posts to indicate the neighbours are doing anything except for quietly going inside their home when OP’s kids start up.

Some people seem determined to read malice into anything.

[mumofnoisykids1]

@JinglingHellsBells to me personally yes it is loud but no louder that I would witness when meeting up with friends in their own gardens. Normal kids noise. However normal kid noise to me can be something completely different to someone else. I don't want them to stay outside so I don't feel on edge, I just don't want them to feel they can't use their garden if that is the reason.

If it is the reason I would rather they just said and I would not let them out every day or be more forceful in telling them to be quiet. They are typical kids, you tell them to keep it down, then 5 mins later they are being noisy again. I'm just trying to be considerate to the neighbours but at the same time don't want to constantly be telling my kids off if they are just making normal amount of noise

[PipGirl404]

@AmeliaTaylor I followed that typo up.

Use yer eyes!!

[JinglingHellsBells]

OP Can you try and appreciate how your neighbours might feel? Are't they entitled to some peace and quiet in their own gardens just as much as your kids want to let off steam?

They clearly hope you will get the message when they retreat inside and slam their doors.

You feel on edge because you know your kids are annoying them.

No everyone likes the sound of young kids screaming and shouting.

How about teaching your kids some manners or maybe take them out to a big field away from everyone?

[AmeliaTaylor]

OP, you can and probably should teach your kids that even though it’s their own garden, noise travels and doesn’t just stop at the perimeter. They probably genuinely haven’t a clue unless you’ve taught them that. Which isn’t their fault, but does need addressing by you. Some noise is understandable but being ‘so loud’ regularly, enough that your neighbours seem to need to go in when it starts up, isn’t okay.

[heartsonacake]

They are typical kids, you tell them to keep it down, then 5 mins later they are being noisy again.

That’s why you need to parent them. If you are constantly having to tell your children to be quiet they aren’t listening to you and they don’t respect you.

Actions have consequences. If they won’t be quiet when you tell them to they don’t get to play outside.

Repeated half arsed “be quiets” does nothing, hence why your kids are so loud.

[AmeliaTaylor]

PipGirl404

you can see the time stamps right? You are aware that during the couple of minutes it might take to write a message, the subsequent posts don’t appear until you’ve hit ‘post’?

Use yer eyes

[JinglingHellsBells]

@mumofnoisykids1 But a normal amount of noise is usually TOO MUCH for adults who are not the parents!

In school, when they are there, your kids will learn to tone the noise down when asked to.

Try teaching your kids to enjoy the garden without it sounding so noisy. They can learn- take them inside as soon as they get too loud and they will soon get the message.
You can train them, you know.

[mumofnoisykids1]

@JinglingHellsBells sorry but think you've missed the point of my last post. I am thinking about their feelings that's the point! Also I do take them out every day for a 2 hour walk in the morning.

Probably need to start following up repeat noise with taking them inside the same why I do if they argue

[AmeliaTaylor]

if it is the reason I would rather they just said and I would not let them out every day or be more forceful in telling them to be quiet.

I would proceed on the assumption that it is your kids causing them to retreat OP. If that’s what you need to believe to start addressing it. If even you feel they’re loud as their mum, it’s almost certain that it’s not a pure coincidence this keeps happening.

Even if they weren’t going inside or ever coming outside they will still be able to hear some noise from in their houses if they’re really loud. You’ve had some good advice from posters regarding how to teach your kids to play more quietly, has any of it piqued your interest? Anything you could implement?

[Chicchicchicchiclana]

I live next door to a family with 2 little boys, a loud performance parenting father, a huge garden, and a massive extended echoey kitchen with bifold doors. The boys play quite loudly in the garden, Dad joins in either exploding with laughter at something funny they've said or loudly getting them to help him make something or do something. If either he, the mum or the Nanny want the boys to come inside or tell them off about something they stand at the kitchen doors and yell. Honestly, it ruins any moment of enjoyment I can get in my garden, I find it monumentally frustrating. They were away for the first 7 weeks of lockdown and I've never felt happier at home.

[CentrifugalBumblePuppy]

I don’t think your neighbours are being passive aggressive at all, they’re just moving away from the noise.

However, if you are aware they are ‘so loud’, teach them how to use appropriate behaviours in different circumstances, just as you would for things like manners, turn taking, listening (think - the differences between home and school, or home & visiting your great Aunt Mabel in a care home). They don’t need to yell & scream in a back garden.

A point to note to all of us parents - don’t yell & scream to your children. Lead by example. Of course, we all reach our limit at times, and uttering the odd yelled expletive happened when my two were kids, but generally, conduct yourself in the way you want them to conduct their selves. And that’s mainly to the two sets of parents who sandwich my house, because if I hear the names ‘Ella’ and, on the other side, ‘Ella’ yelled one more time I will eat my own head.

Maybe swap the 2hr walk for a couple of hours playing footie in the park?

[Comtesse]

Can’t go to school, can’t go to the playground, can’t play team sports, can’t walk down the road without people tutting at you. Where exactly are kids supposed to put their energy and need for physical, exuberant play? I have no idea what the answer is but this sucks so badly. Now OP feels bad for her kids making a racket in their own garden. My god, should we dose them up on valium and prop them up in front of a screen 12 hours a day?? Nice and quiet and considerate, but what a way to live!