To feel constantly on edge in my own garden

[mumofnoisykids1]

Since lockdown began and my kids have been off of school and pre school we have been spending lots of time in our garden thanks to the lovely weather. However, we live in a new build estate and on a row of 4 houses. We are on one end so only have neighbours on one side. The other 3 houses are all family's as well with kids of similar and older ages to mine (2 & 5)

My boys are so loud in the garden playing games with each other and on their climbing frame. If they start to argue I will take them inside as I know no one wants to listen to kids argue but that is rare. They are just running around shouting at each other as part of their games.

Recently I've noticed that my neighbours and the next door but 1 will go back into their houses and close the garden doors within 5 minutes of me letting my kids outside. Say after lunch or in the morning.

I'm starting to feel on edge in my garden and telling the kids to keep the noise down; taking them inside if they start playing too loudly. It could be a complete coincidence that they choose to go inside at that time but it doesn't feel like it.

So AIBU to feel on edge and tell the kids to be quiet or should I just ignore it and let my kids play how they want to

[saraclara]

if it is the reason I would rather they just said and I would not let them out every day or be more forceful in telling them to be quiet.

But maybe they know that kids need to play outdoors, so there's no reason for them to say anything to you? I'd go indoors too, but I wouldn't say anything to the parent (assuming that the noise level isnt entirely unnecessary) because I wouldn't want them to feel bad, especially at the moment.

At the moment you're assuming something that might not be the case, and wanting them to do something based on that possibly incorrect assumption. You get that that's illogical, right?

If you're REALLY worried, maybe it should be you that approaches the neighbours? You could mention that you've noticed them go in when the kids come out. Say you're sorry if the boys are bothering them, and that you're trying to minimise their garden time by taking them out for long walks etc. Also point out that it's very much a lockdown thing, as normally (as they'll be aware) the boys don't spend a lot of time in the garden) and that hopefully normal service will be resumed soon.

[HalloHalloHallo]

I'm just waiting for another post to pop up on MN with someone complaining about having a stressful job made worse by covid and they're trying to take a tea break in their garden to relax and every time they go outside the neighbour's children come out screaming so loudly that the person can't hear themselves think.

You could be completely wrong OP and it's just a coicidence that the neighbours go inside when your kids go out, but if you think your children are too loud then the neighbours probably think so too.

[SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius]

@mumofnoisykids1 - I think you need some positive reinforcement, when they do play more quietly - some sort of star chart or reward - as well as taking them inside if the noise does get too loud. In my experience as a mum of three boys (now all in their 20s) they respond better if there is a bit of carrot as well as stick.

[sobersides]

I tend to close my patio doors or go inside when the neighbour's children are out playing. I don't complain because I understand it's kids general noise but it doesn't stop me muttering under my breath about the little feckers. I've had three children, now all grown and I know that what washed over over me when mine were younger is not acceptable to me now I'm older and want peace and quiet in my garden.
I honestly wouldn't get uptight about it unless your neighbours actually complain. Chances are they are happy to live and let live.

[emilybrontescorsett]

I think you need to teach your children to be mindful of others.
At 5 your child is perfectly old enough to understand that he/she should not be screaming and shouting. There is a huge difference in enjoying an activity and talking , making noise , and shouting so loudly and constantly that others have to move away.
You should be with the 2 year old and if you tell them to stop shouting you should follow up with “otherwise you will not be allowed to play outside for x time or until you do talk quietly.”
Empty threats are useless.
Lots of adults are loud and annoying and I suppose they were always allowed to be that way as children.

[JinglingHellsBells]

Probably need to start following up repeat noise with taking them inside the same why I do if they argue

I think there are some words missing here OP- doesn't make sense.

Why not talk to them before they go out so they at least have some expectation of what you want?

The 5 yr old should be 'leading' as a 2 yr old is too young to really understand.

So you need to explain to the 5 yr old that the people next door do not like noise.

If they start shrieking, stop their play, sit them down and tell them it was too noisy.

It IS possible to play outside without screaming.

[okiedokieme]

Children playing is fine, children shouting is not. The odd raised voice ok, constant is very annoying. My neighbours monitor their kids and tell them to stop shouting when voices get raised - they get sent inside if the parents think it's too loud - crucially they do not leave them alone in the garden, they check their behaviour and consequently they do keep voices down mostly and are outside much of the day and their parents are on laptops

[JinglingHellsBells]

Lots of adults are loud and annoying and I suppose they were always allowed to be that way as children.

^^ This x 100.

I am sick to death of noisy neighbours at night, screaming and laughing on their patios till midnight, oblivious to neighbours ( we are 3 houses away and they keep us awake.)

People on trains talking at full volume on phones.
People in shops, on country walks etc etc - all never been told to moderate their voices I ASSUME when children- all shouting at full volume when the friend is right next to them!

[bloodyhellsbellsx]

If you choose not to control the levels of noise they make then the neighbours are perfectly within their rights to go indoors away from it. If they are both doing it, there is probably an issue and they are probably talking about you and are doing this in the hope you will take the hint and address the problem. So your options would be 1- speak to them about it, or 2- try be a more considerate neighbour and teach your boys what is appropriate levels of noise. I would go with the latter personally, the neighbours appear to not want confrontation and are hoping there simultaneous door slamming prompts you to take action!

[mumofnoisykids1]

Thanks everyone for your advice I will definitely be implementing some of the things suggested. My attached neighbour is so lovely and last summer we used to leave our back gate open for her to let her daughter use our climbing frame. I would say we were on friendly terms so would hate to ruin that over this

[spottedbadger]

Maybe ask yourself how would you feel if the shoe was on the other foot Our NDNs have loud children and when they are outside, we close the doors and windows. We have a newborn and are worn out, the constant screaming, bickering, yelling and arguing coming from next door is draining. The parents make no effort to manage it. When their father complained to us how noisy HIS kids were, I wanted to bash him over the head with a pan. There are several households with small children in the neighbourhood including the one whose garden backs to ours but the noise is just kids being kids as opposed to the sound of wild animals killing each other. Sure, your kids should be allowed to enjoy the garden, but your neighbours too should be able to enjoy the garden without having to put up with excessive noise

[LimitIsUp]

I think you need to work harder at managing the noise level made by your '"so loud" boys. Yes children make noise when playing and that's absolutely fine and most reasonable people accept that. But being very loud is not fair on your neighbours. I would not wait until they are arguing before bringing them in - I would bring them in even if playing happily but with too much volume - until they start to appreciate that play time in the garden is conditional on them behaving. No they don't have to creep around like church mice and talk in whispers but there is a middle ground

[Notejode]

Just think is they are trying to work from home? It must be a nightmare. However, in this unusual times we all have to be more tolerant. For you own sake of not feeling on edge may be leave the kids out at certain times and not all day.

My neighbours have 3 kids and they are very loud when in the garden but he does it leave them there all day. So I know when I heard the kids I take a break 😂

[BeeB29]

Carry on letting your children play outside. Poor sods have been off school for nearly 3 months. If the neighbours don’t like it who cares. It sounds like are actively trying to keep their noise down and manage their behaviour. It’s not like you are letting them run wild and not doing anything about it. All kids are noisy. I just think that we notice our own more 🤣

I get it though. My two are quite noisy. I get paranoid about the neighbours so I don’t let them play outside all day long (they never want to anyway).

As long as your kids aren’t out playing at 7am being noisy or late at night I don’t see a problem!

[EmeraldShamrock]

I honestly wouldn't mind if it wasn't all day. I'd shut the window if I wanted peace.
What pisses me off is performance parenting for the neighbours attention alongside noisy kids. 😁

[LillianBland]

if it is the reason I would rather they just said and I would not let them out every day or be more forceful in telling them to be quiet.

Maybe they don’t want to complain, because they think you aren’t capable of quietening your children and don’t want to risk a falling out. If you suspect that they don’t like the noise and know that your children are very loud, then why don’t you work on that, instead of worrying about it?

[IncrediblySadToo]

@Boulshired

My neighbour slams the door every time my disabled son goes outside. She seems to forget the 15 years of her children jumping on their trampoline and staring even as adults. The bbqs, the bonfires and the cutting the grass at 7oclock in the morning.

That's just plain nasty! Try not to let it upset you 🌷

[Thisismytimetoshine]

Your children are louder than you think.

[Homemadeandfromscratch]

Where exactly are kids supposed to put their energy and need for physical, exuberant play?

parks, riding bikes, running, beach, jog... Plenty of space to exercise, strictly no need to be loud and antisocial. Other children are entitled to their own garden without a racket, and so are the parents and any neighbour.

There's strictly no reason why kids cannot play in their own garden without being loud and a disturbance.

[Homemadeandfromscratch]

However, in this unusual times we all have to be more tolerant.

no, we all have to learn to be more respectful, because people have nowhere to escape.

[Thisismytimetoshine]

Why is it always the noisy buggers who demand "tolerance", whilst displaying none themselves?

[dontdisturbmenow]

The question is why do so many kids manage to play peacefully without any disturbance whilst others can't seem to be able to be outside without screaming and shouting.

Of course, some kids are naturally more outgoing and exuberant but many have just had to learn to curve it in. Being loud and boisterous should be the exception, for 1/2 at most, not systematic as soon as out in the garden.

[Calabasa]

I would compromise.

If you are out in the garden with them EVERY afternoon, then perhaps have a couple indoors, so your neighbours have the opportunity to enjoy their outdoor space without listening to your kids screaming.

I'm sure for a couple of afternoons a week, you can find something to do inside?

[nibdedibble]

OP I feel for you. We have a massive area of gardens, all private but of course we hear and see what's going on. I have neighbours who do this, they roll their eyes at the start of every summer holiday and make it clear their time is being spoiled by...children playing happily outdoors.

(BTW they aren't mine, I've got cave-dwelling teens.)

Ignore ignore. Any parent who has got a garden to let their children burn off energy in is very lucky and I can only imagine how much of a relief it is for you.

[Doggodogington]

I’m sure kids can play without screaming though? If they were shouting and screaming in the house you’d tell them to quieten down so I don’t see how it’s different if they are outside. Laughing giggling? yes, constantly shouting at each other? no way.