3 years since he said he would propose, now he gets angry if I bring it up

[WaityKatie89]

Hi

I need some brutally honest advice about my relationship and to know if I’m being unreasonable.

I’ve written and rewritten this post so many times, so I’m just going to put the basics out and some background and hopefully you can give me some advice.

I’ve been with my OH for nearly 8 years. We’ve lived together for 5, own a home together and have a cat. He’s my best friend and I love him unconditionally which is why this situation has left me so baffled and to be honest, heartbroken.

About 3 years ago, I decided to end things and during the discussion (completely out of the blue) he told me he was planning on proposing.

Long story short, we stayed together but in the past 3 years nothing has happened - in fact, he now gets angry and annoyed if I try to bring up anything to do with engagements or marriage.

Initially he took me to look at rings as he wanted to propose to me with the “actual ring” but after about 10 months, that stopped and he started to get irritated when I brought it up.

Thinking it was just a bloke thing and that ring shopping isn’t exactly exciting for him. I carried on looking by myself but every idea I put to him was either “too expensive”, “are you sure of that one?”, “what if you change your mind?” etc.

The final straw came when I presented a design to him that was VERY under budget, about 10% of the budget he initially told me. So what did he say when I showed it to him? “It’s too cheap”. I absolutely hit the roof and told him all I wanted to do was be with him and that if that was really his reason for not getting a ring, then he clearly wasn’t serious. Well... he bought the ring, which was delivered 3 weeks later... almost 7 months ago.

It was “hidden” in his sock drawer, where it has remained COMPLETELY unopened (not even the parcel delivery bag has been opened) since.

OH still continues to get angry if I try to bring anything up about weddings etc. I’ve tried to talk to him (calmly, crying, joking) at different times, but every time he just gets angry and irritated and I end up in tears. On the flip side, he also regularly mentions how I will be his fiancé soon?!!

He’s said that he’s “excited on the inside” but because I want to talk about engagements “all the time” that’s what makes him so annoyed and why he gets angry every time.

So, here’s the big question - AIBU? Is there something I’m missing here that’s really obvious to everyone else because I would really like to know.

This whole situation has left me utterly heartbroken, it’s made me feel like the whole idea only came about because I tried to leave him and the subsequent avoidance is because he doesn’t want to. I’ve flat out asked him if this is the case to which he’s said no. I’ve even asked if we can take a proposal off the cards just for now, until this has all coolled down - thinking this might take pressure off him - but he refuses.

I feel so lost and heartbroken. I’ve been with this person for nearly 8 years and this has made me feel like o don’t know him at all. I feel like maybe this is my fault for being too excited and not letting it go? All I know is now that any proposal will be tinged with sadness because of of what has happened.

Well, I've been in this situation and ended the 8yr relationship. I regret that now but at the time was 100% sure.

And, to give you another perspective, my Dbro was planning to propose but his gf went on and on and on about it (every week) so he never felt like it would be a surprise or a nice thing. He said she was ruining it. He did propose but she even cried to us (my DM and sisters and I) probably six times before he did. It's history now but he wanted to do it when he had chosen to and her incessantly bringing it up took all the fun out of it.

Just another perspective.

This is almost exactly what happened with my ex. I promise you, the best thing to do is split with him. Even if he does propose now, you won't feel the happiness and excitement you should. You'll feel resentment that it took 8 years of wearing him down before he "gave in." You'll see other friends get proposals after a few years or even months and wonder why it was so easy for them and what was wrong with you. In my case, we must have discussed getting engaged a thousand times in the last 2 years of our relationship, I cried, threw tantrums, gave him the silent treatment, tried pretending I didn't care anymore - none of it worked. He gave me every excuse under the sun whilst dangling the carrot over my head and telling me it was definitely going to happen "one day," - exactly like yours is doing. Eventually I got fed up and essentially strongarmed him into agreeing we would get married this year, we even booked a venue, DJ, bought bridesmaid dresses etc. all without him ever properly proposing. It felt awful. He never wanted to discuss anything about the wedding or would only do it begrudgingly. You might think that you don't care how it happens as long as it happens but you will. I ended up dumping my ex and whilst I'm still heartbroken, I'm more upset by how much time I wasted. Please learn from my mistake. It will be hard but in the end just imagine how amazing it will feel to find someone who proposes to you because they love you and want you to be their wife, rather than because you nagged them to death about it.

Oh and @WaityKatie89?

Take the cat. Definitely take the cat.

I find it so odd that people talk about men needing to propose ‘on their terms’. Getting married is a joint decision a couple make about their future - why the hell should it only be on one person’s terms? Why are women expected to sit meekly and silently by and then act all surprised when the man suddenly decides the ‘right moment’ has come. It’s such total nonsense

Bloody well said! Getting married and committing to spending your life with someone should be something you both want, its something to be joyful about, not something to try to force your head around. Has anyone found out they won the lottery and said "well, I need time and space to think about collecting the ticket. I plan to collect it, but not yet. I'm going to wait a few months (maybe even years) to be sure I really want the money". Of course not, because winning the lottery is a GOOD thing- people grab it the second they can. If marriage is based on two people who adore each other why would one of them need 3 + years to think about it? either he wants to marry her or he doesnt. If he doesnt then he needs to stop stringing her along and have the balls to tell her its not going to happen so she can be free to find someone else.

Marriage isnt meant to be some kind of trap and if you view it that way then its not for you and you need to tell the person who is expecting it that its not going to happen. If you love someone and want the best for them, its the very least you can do FFS.

I can't help thinking that if he does get around to proposing it will be another agonising wait for him to be ready to set a date.
Apart from that, like other pps have said, marriage should be a decision that a couple decide on together and both want. It should not be a carrot for the man to dangle just ahead of you all the time to keep you hanging on.
You say he's your best friend. Do best friends get angry when you bring up a subject that is important to you?

@Neverender

Well, I've been in this situation and ended the 8yr relationship. I regret that now but at the time was 100% sure.

And, to give you another perspective, my Dbro was planning to propose but his gf went on and on and on about it (every week) so he never felt like it would be a surprise or a nice thing. He said she was ruining it. He did propose but she even cried to us (my DM and sisters and I) probably six times before he did. It's history now but he wanted to do it when he had chosen to and her incessantly bringing it up took all the fun out of it.

Just another perspective.

Did this go on for 3 years? And why was a surprise so important to him that he'd be ok with causing greater upset to the woman he loved by waiting?

Why did you decide to end things 3 years ago? If you were going to end things, why did him wanting to propose change your mind?

@justanotherneighinparadise There will be a reason and it won’t be to do with the act of proposing. It will be the wedding/the marriage/the babies. He doesn’t want it period or he doesn’t want it now. I have no idea of your age but I imagine you’re trying to push it along because you want the babies abs he’s trying to hold it all back because he’s not ready or doesn’t want it at all.

I agree with this. It would be interesting to know what ages you both are OP?

The wedding is the start not the end.

Bravo @AliasGrape. Well said.

If marriage is important to you OP then you’ve every right to say so and to say it’s what you expect and want and that you’re not prepared to wait indefinitely. How dare he be angry that you actually have some expectations of your own other than passively waiting for him to decide your future?

@AlexisCarringtonColbyDexter

I find it so odd that people talk about men needing to propose ‘on their terms’. Getting married is a joint decision a couple make about their future - why the hell should it only be on one person’s terms? Why are women expected to sit meekly and silently by and then act all surprised when the man suddenly decides the ‘right moment’ has come. It’s such total nonsense

Bloody well said! Getting married and committing to spending your life with someone should be something you both want, its something to be joyful about, not something to try to force your head around. Has anyone found out they won the lottery and said "well, I need time and space to think about collecting the ticket. I plan to collect it, but not yet. I'm going to wait a few months (maybe even years) to be sure I really want the money". Of course not, because winning the lottery is a GOOD thing- people grab it the second they can. If marriage is based on two people who adore each other why would one of them need 3 + years to think about it? either he wants to marry her or he doesnt. If he doesnt then he needs to stop stringing her along and have the balls to tell her its not going to happen so she can be free to find someone else.

Marriage isnt meant to be some kind of trap and if you view it that way then its not for you and you need to tell the person who is expecting it that its not going to happen. If you love someone and want the best for them, its the very least you can do FFS.

This.

You've got to give the guy some credit. He's eked another 3 years out of this relationship just by making a vague promise to propose. Then you get engaged, and spend another 8 years trying to persuade him to get married.

if I were you I would suggest that the pair of you just nip down to the registry office and get the marriage done. his response will tell you whether it's just anxiety over a big wedding or if he actually wants to marry you. to be honest I would bet my house that he doesn't want to marry you but he doesn't want anybody else to have you either.

he clearly doesn't want to marry you.

fair enough, not everyone wants marriage but he could at least come clean about it.

Do you plan DC? I wouldn't want that without the protection of marriage.

you clearly have different priorities and I agree with PP, he is not fair. I probably would cut my losses and move one. Much easier done without the marriage certificate so he may well be doing you a favour.

My exH was a narcissist so might not be applicable, but he proposed after 8 years, not in a particularly special way. He knew I was traditional in this way and probably only did it for further control. But as a PP said he dangled the carrot over my head for years. A few times for silly reasons, such as staying with my friend in Wales for an extra night so we could go to another nature reserve etc, he went off on one and said "I was thinking about proposing but now I'm not cos you did this and that". It was part of the abuse and by the time he proposed I wasn't excited and it ruined it for me. If your partner isn't abusive in other ways then he's just being a dick. But he is doing it to keep you on side. I would leave, I wish I had.

Where is the OP? OP tbh I find it hard to understand that you were actually looking to end this relationship and you haven’t said that it was because of a lack of proposal, and then when he started talking about proposing you’ve kept hanging on for another three years.

The message has been clear here. He doesn’t want to marry you, or tbh even get engaged to you so he’s seen to be wanting to marry you.

I agree with a PP that it needs to be a decision made on both your terms. Playing devil’s advocate slightly here, if you essentially told him that you were going to end the relationship because he hadn’t proposed yet he would have felt equally upset if marriage isn’t actually something he wants but feels forced into because otherwise you’ll leave....

He clearly isn’t your best friend if you can’t even talk about this, either that or you need to set your bar for friendship a bit higher.

My eXH talked about proposing for a while before we got married, but it was months not years and then he proposed on holiday.

Me and my now DP discussed marriage and then discussed it with my DS before even going down the route of getting engaged because it was A, important to us that we both be in agreement, and B, important to talk about it to DS so that he could tell us about any fears he might have rather than us just springing it on him that we’d decided to get married.

As it happens marriage hasn’t happened but that has to do with a lot of things which we couldn’t have foreseen at the time.

I would end the relationship, sell the property and keep the cat. There is no guarantee that an engagement will result in a marriage anyway.

Cut your losses, sell the house and move on. Absolutely this. He does not want to marry you. Leave and find someone worthy of your love. You are being used. He does not love you, he is hurting you and getting angry when you try to solve the issue. Please leave.

He strung you around for another 3 years with a lie. He will never propose. Oh actually. He will. Once you tell him you are leaving. And then never marry you...

Imagine the struggle to plan a wedding when getting engaged is this difficult!

As others have said, what was behind the breakup 3 years ago? The details you have given implies that he only said about the engagement to keep you happy rather than because that was his intentions

You say you love him unconditionally... Do you? Or do you love him under the condition that he'll marry you one day? Many people don't want to get married. Yes it's frustrating that you want to and he said he would but mayb he was just scared he was about to lose you so said that to try and keep you. Do you actually have a good relationship outside of your ideals of marriage? I never understand why people are so obsessed with wanting to get married as though it's magically going to change anything in your relatioship, and why would you want it to. I'm married, I'm very happily married but I was just as happy and committed to my husband the day before we got married as the day after. We did it because we both wanted to and the party was fun. You're asking the wrong question. It shouldn't be about being either being married or not; do you genuinely love each other, treat each other right and want to be together forever? If the answer is no for either of you then getting married isn't going to change that. And if the answer is yes for both of you then marriage also isn't going to change that.

Hi everyone!

Sorry it’s taken me a while to reply, this is the first time I have sought the wisdom of Mumsnet and wow! You guys did not disappoint.

Thank you so much for your honest opinions and advice, I’ve read each and every comment at least twice and have gained perspective and actually confidence from the things you have said.

A bit of background as people are asking:

• I’m 28
• I don’t have children but it is something we have discussed and he has said he wants DC
• I tried to end things years ago as I didn’t feel like I was being appreciated in the relationship and as we had never really discussed futures at that point, I didn’t think we had one... until he mentioned a proposal. If I’m being honest, it had never even crossed my mind (not that I didn’t want it obviously) and it opened my mind to the possibility of a future together other than what we had at that moment in time.

Thank you so much to everyone who has pointed out the use of my phrase “loving unconditionally”. I’ve never thought about it in this way before, but framing it in the way that you should never love anyone unconditionally (apart from DC) and actually have standards for yourself is something I had never even thought of - how sad.

I’ve had abusive relationships in the past, so the fact that my partner doesn’t beat or control me, cheat on me or show me up has made me believe that this is what a “normal” and “nice” relationship is. However, I can see now that just because he doesn’t control me in the way I’ve experienced in the past, doesn’t necessarily mean it’s a good relationship.

Someone asked if my partner was prone to anxiousness and perfectionism and the answer is yes. I don’t want to give too many details away, but what I will say is he works very hard to make sure everything is right and can get in his own head about things. This is no excuse but it is important to point this out. On the other hand, I’m very spontaneous and prone to acting on a whim, so you can see how we don’t always see eye to eye.

I have taken on board everything everyone has said and have decided to speak calmly to him about the situation, let him know how important getting married is to me and how hurt it has made me by his lack of acting on what he’s promised. I’m also going to apologise for bringing it up constantly, as I’m aware blame lies with me on this part.

I’m then going to totally shut up about it and give it to the end of the year. If by then nothing has happened than I’m selling up and taking the cat!

Thank you so much again for al your help x

Glad to hear the cat is included in your future plans.

I wouldn't apologise - just drop it and see what happens

Read about sunk costs fallacy.

You deserve better and you have nothing to apologise for. Don't make yourself the weaker party here waiting on a man. Take control of your life because at the moment he is controlling it. Nothing will change by the end of the year. He doesn't want to get married to you as harsh as that is. You are young, don't waste time on this man. Learn from the relationship and make a promise to yourself to put your own future first. You are in charge of your future, no one else.

You watch, he will propose and then get angry everytime you mention a date.

He will then string along the marriage so you might have to wait 10 years before marriage. Or never

He will do the same about children

He doesn’t want to marry you