3 years since he said he would propose, now he gets angry if I bring it up

[WaityKatie89]

Hi

I need some brutally honest advice about my relationship and to know if I’m being unreasonable.

I’ve written and rewritten this post so many times, so I’m just going to put the basics out and some background and hopefully you can give me some advice.

I’ve been with my OH for nearly 8 years. We’ve lived together for 5, own a home together and have a cat. He’s my best friend and I love him unconditionally which is why this situation has left me so baffled and to be honest, heartbroken.

About 3 years ago, I decided to end things and during the discussion (completely out of the blue) he told me he was planning on proposing.

Long story short, we stayed together but in the past 3 years nothing has happened - in fact, he now gets angry and annoyed if I try to bring up anything to do with engagements or marriage.

Initially he took me to look at rings as he wanted to propose to me with the “actual ring” but after about 10 months, that stopped and he started to get irritated when I brought it up.

Thinking it was just a bloke thing and that ring shopping isn’t exactly exciting for him. I carried on looking by myself but every idea I put to him was either “too expensive”, “are you sure of that one?”, “what if you change your mind?” etc.

The final straw came when I presented a design to him that was VERY under budget, about 10% of the budget he initially told me. So what did he say when I showed it to him? “It’s too cheap”. I absolutely hit the roof and told him all I wanted to do was be with him and that if that was really his reason for not getting a ring, then he clearly wasn’t serious. Well... he bought the ring, which was delivered 3 weeks later... almost 7 months ago.

It was “hidden” in his sock drawer, where it has remained COMPLETELY unopened (not even the parcel delivery bag has been opened) since.

OH still continues to get angry if I try to bring anything up about weddings etc. I’ve tried to talk to him (calmly, crying, joking) at different times, but every time he just gets angry and irritated and I end up in tears. On the flip side, he also regularly mentions how I will be his fiancé soon?!!

He’s said that he’s “excited on the inside” but because I want to talk about engagements “all the time” that’s what makes him so annoyed and why he gets angry every time.

So, here’s the big question - AIBU? Is there something I’m missing here that’s really obvious to everyone else because I would really like to know.

This whole situation has left me utterly heartbroken, it’s made me feel like the whole idea only came about because I tried to leave him and the subsequent avoidance is because he doesn’t want to. I’ve flat out asked him if this is the case to which he’s said no. I’ve even asked if we can take a proposal off the cards just for now, until this has all coolled down - thinking this might take pressure off him - but he refuses.

I feel so lost and heartbroken. I’ve been with this person for nearly 8 years and this has made me feel like o don’t know him at all. I feel like maybe this is my fault for being too excited and not letting it go? All I know is now that any proposal will be tinged with sadness because of of what has happened.

YANBU. He's wasting your time.

As to those who say you should set a date yourself and tell him it's going to happen- well then you'll end up marrying someone who didn't want to get married, and I don't think that's a promising start to a marriage. He will drag his feet about and resent everything you do once married, too.

I had a bloke like this- partly it's taking us for granted.

He probably hates the idea that he has to do it under pressure. He wants to do it when he feels it's right for him and that is when he doesn't feel he has to do it

I can see that the might well be what is going on in his head. The trouble is that, as an adult, you can't let that situation go on for ever. If he really wants to get married, the thought process should be along the lines of "I want to wait till it's right for me, but realistically, I've already decided it's right otherwise I'd never have said I was going to propose. This is making the person I love really unhappy, so it's time to grow up and take the next step without waiting for some moment I can't even really define."

Unconditional love for a boyfriend is not a good thing.

Especially when it causes you to ignore his bad behaviours.

Why on earth would you bother “ getting engaged “ to someone you’ve lived with for 5 years ! That would just lead to another 5 year battle about getting married.
If being married is a deal breaker for you tell him that . Be prepared to leave if he says no.

I think in your heart of hearts you know what to do. He doesn’t want to get engaged. You do. He is lying to you so that you stay/the break up is not his fault because “he was going to propose to you

Agree. You know deep down OP what the best thing to do is but I do empathise because its so hard. I'm sorry. As for people saying he's chandler and "give him two more months"- please dont do that, he's had THREE YEARS to propose and he knows how much it means to you, its cruel to suggest you wait even longer when its very very clear he isnt going to propose and clearly doesnt want to. You know, sometimes love isnt enough. You can love someone but if they dont want what you want you have to walk away.It doesnt mean you didnt love them but it means that love wasnt enough to keep you together.

Leave. Find someone who proposes to you with joy and enthusiasm and who cannot wait to be your husband.

I have a friend she completely was obsessed with getting married to her now fiancee. All she does is talk about weddings, make friends with people who are about to get married. Her OH has told various people he didn't want to propose and was forced. He does want to marry her but said he didn't get to do it on his terms. Could this be the case here. If you truly love this man and have a good relationship could you not go on about weddings for a bit maybe he feels you've taken the magic out of it.

Look this is your life. You only get to live it once.

He doesn’t want to marry you right now but he does want to be with you currently.

You want life long commitment and you don’t know whether he is giving you that but not fussed on marriage or whether he isn’t committed. You need to be able to have these conversations.

He might want to live his life with you and have kids without marriage, but he hasn’t said that. He seems unreliable.

How old are you? Do you want kids? I’ve had friends in relationships for 10+ years get dumped in their mid 30’s and lets face it, biology is not in your side at that point. You need to think about the fact there is a time clock on this.

I’m interested in why you wanted to leave? Was it this reason or something else? Has that changed? It’s been 3 years and that’s plenty of time.

I do understand that if someone is genuinely planning to propose then going on about it can reduce the element of surprise and ruin the plans of the proposer. But equally if you are in your 30’s it’s reasonable to talk about the future. No one is wrong.

What is clear, is that if you want to leave and tell him, he will propose...but I would expect the battle about wedding planning. He won’t be interested.

Last resort time : you need a relationship therapist. Try Relate. They can help you move forward or they can help you end the relationship as healthily as possible.

He’s stringing you along. You were about to leave him 3 years ago before all this bollocks. Do it. Get out of there. He’s wasting your time and it all sounds really miserable so why wait around any longer?

Oh OP...how can you have so little self respect? Wake up...he bought you a cheap ring...threw it unopened into a drawer...gets angry...refuses to discuss your future...and you still say you "love him unconditionally"?

Why? You are deluding yourself here! He doesn't love you...doesn't even like you much by the sound of it and he definitely has no respect for you!

I guarantee he will be married soon, but it won't be to you 🤷‍♀️ He's waiting to find 'The One'. It's not you though is it? If it were, he would have put that ring on your finger the very minute he had bought it!!

Find your inner woman and LTB!

Also google the sunk cost fallacy, incase you’re falling into that trap.

Sorry OP. I don't think he will marry you.

My ex was like this. We bought a house together, had a baby too. We were engaged but it was never a huge romantic proposal and there was no talk of marriage. When it came to naming the baby I stuck to my guns and gave it my surname.

Of course we split up.

Many years down the line I met my current DH. He proposed within three months - we were married a year later. He wanted to commit to me and we both knew it was right. I had no worries about him calling it off or not turning up on the day of the wedding.

It sounds to me like this guy is just going to waste your time in the coming years if you stay together . It's better to get out now and start afresh. It's easy once you make the first steps.

Good luck OP. Do NOT settle for second best.

This was me. We had been together 13 years, bought a house, decided on kids names blah blah. All our friends who had met long after us had got engaged and got married and were having kids. So I started to question why that was. I asked him why we always talked about getting married but he never proposed. Eventually, he did after reluctant ring shopping and a trip to Venice which I planned.

Long story short. Big white wedding and 9’months later he cheated on me. I stuck around for another 2 years as the marriage crumbled.

It does have a happy ending. But you know deep down he doesn’t want to marry you and you deserve better. Move on as soon as you can. Good luck.

I know a lot of people are saying he doesn't want to marry you, some are saying he's anxious. I don't know... I'm not him. To me the biggest issue you have here is around communication. This was only brought up when you threatened to leave...

If this was something he'd been thinking about for a while before why weren't you, to some extent, already aware it might be on the cards? As a lot of people have said, marriage proposals don't usually come out of the blue.

And then there is the question of the issues now... Why can't you have a normal civilised conversation about it? Something is obviously bothering him, you're worrying you're pressuring him...

How do you generally communicate in the relationship? Do you actually talk to each other about serious things? Are you each others best friends? Those are the kind of things I'd want in a relationship before I got married so I'd be taking a step back and re-evaluating the whole thing

There will be a reason and it won’t be to do with the act of proposing. It will be the wedding/the marriage/the babies. He doesn’t want it period or he doesn’t want it now. I have no idea of your age but I imagine you’re trying to push it along because you want the babies abs he’s trying to hold it all back because he’s not ready or doesn’t want it at all.

Yes a PP wax right that often this ends in a split and the man subsequently giving all you wanted to someone else. That often does happen.

Has he changed at all since you wanted to break up? Has the behaviour or circumstance that made you want to break up altered in any way because he has taken things on board (not talking about having more money or anything, things he can alter)?

Or is he just the same person? And did you, being honest, try to use splitting up to guilt him into a proposal?

Because if the answers to this are no, no and yes...well. That's it really.

I guess OP isn't coming unback which is annoying as everyone has been pretty nice and just honest - which is what she wanted! I personally don't understand how if a relationship was dead to the point you wanted to end it, you would then get back with them just to get married?! That makes no sense.

Hi Op. I feel really sad for you. It sounds like he doesn’t want to marry you. I’ve seen this a few times with friends, where the woman has pushed for an engagement and the man says he’ll do it soon. On each occasion the man ends it (for one friend a week before the wedding, causing her and her family massive financial loss).

I would cut my losses and leave

OP may have gone to work...

OP my heart goes out to you, these replies must really hurt. They are not intended to though, I am sure to a person we would all want this to have a happy ending. I am yet another that doesn't think it will either. Sorry

You said that when you told him three years ago that it was over "he told me he was planning on proposing." That's very telling; not that he asked you to marry him there and then, but rather that he was 'planning on' proposing. Well that's very easy for him to claim, isn't it? And he didn't actually have to do anything to back it up, did he?

I'm another that fears if you do get him to propose (and I'd bet my last dollar he won't do so without you threatening to leave again or similar), then the whole thing will feel forever tainted to you, because of his dragging and reluctance. And in a few years time you'll be back in the same predicament because instead of the excitement, anticipation and joy of planning your wedding day, you'll still be twisting his arm to set a date. Is that what you want for yourself?

I have been where you are, about 25 years ago, and walked away. I never thought my heart would mend but it does. And the experience that you will go through, although painful, will make you a stronger, tougher and better person.

Sorry, for whatever reason it sounds like he doesnt want to get engaged, let alone married. I think he is manipulating you. Its really crap and upsetting. Ultimately if you want marriage ,and more importantly want to respected and not strung along then I think you need to leave but I know thats tough when you love someone. The other alternative would be to give up all hopes of marriage and accept it without bitterness, but its the dishonesty here that i think is also a big problem. He doesn't sound like he wants to commit, and i wouldnt waste anymore time on this man , particularly if you want kids.

I'm more interested in why you tried to leave 3 years ago?

What was that about?

I also am utterly bemused by this concept of “planning to get engaged”... an engagement is a commitment to get married. It’s binary: either you have agreed to get married or you haven’t.

The idea that engagement seems a stage to aspire to in its own right strikes me as yet another way women get bogged down in jumping through hoops to meet some ridiculous marriage bar.

It’s sexist shite.

Take control of the situation. If he won’t step up, cut your losses and move on.

I guess OP isn't coming unback which is annoying as everyone has been pretty nice and just honest - which is what she wanted!

OP posted very late last night, this is quite a thread to process if you wake up to 8 pages of people telling you the same thing, even if it’s what you were expecting.

OP I image deep down this is how you are feeling, you knew what everyone here would say, you’ve not been treated well and you deserve better. If he isn’t prepared to take the proposal off the cards, don’t hang around waiting for him, why is he the one to make the decisions here, you’ve made it very clear it’s what you wanted and he’s treated you like this. Don’t accept a pity proposal or one that’s only made to keep you there, either make it clear that you’re not planning on getting engaged and carry on the way you have, or the most sensible option is to leave.

@WaityKatie89 I’m so sorry to hear this. It must be awful to live through.

Please re-read your post. Try to be objective and imagine it is a very good friend describing her situation to you and asking your advice (difficult, I know). What might you think?

I agree with the almost unanimous opinion on this thread. Good husbands-to-be do not treat their future fiancées with such cruelty and casual disregard. Please, please end this relationship as soon as you can. It will be painful now, but you will honestly be so relieved and thankful you did it.

Sending a hand-hold. 💐

I find it so odd that people talk about men needing to propose ‘on their terms’. Getting married is a joint decision a couple make about their future - why the hell should it only be on one person’s terms? Why are women expected to sit meekly and silently by and then act all surprised when the man suddenly decides the ‘right moment’ has come. It’s such total nonsense.

OP - my life ex took 11 years to propose (albeit we were together very young). He absolutely knew it was what I wanted, claimed it was what he wanted, but had to wait for that elusive right moment. He also claimed he’d never been happier once he did propose, and said he was kicking himself as to why he didn’t do it sooner. Much rejoicing all round. Except turned out he was shagging the trainee from work and getting her pregnant all the while we were planning (and paying for) the bloody wedding. When it all came out it was the most humiliating and painful experience of my life, caused untold hurt to my family and took YEARS to get over. I so wish he’d had the balls to just say ‘no I don’t actually want to marry you’ or I’d had the sense to realise that that’s what his delaying tactics actually meant. It could have saved so much heartache.

With DH now - he did ‘propose’ but it was after we’d already agreed we were going to get married within the next 12 months. It was about the discussion and the decision we made together about what was best for us both and for the family we were planning. It was an acknowledgement of the fact that we were ttc and I deserved the financial and legal protections marriage brings in the event of having children. And also that we’d had a rough couple of years with one thing or another and both quite fancied a nice party! Those are the bits that count - not the actual ‘proposal’.

If marriage is important to you OP then you’ve every right to say so and to say it’s what you expect and want and that you’re not prepared to wait indefinitely. How dare he be angry that you actually have some expectations of your own other than passively waiting for him to decide your future? Unfortunately he doesn’t seem to want the same thing, I really think it’s time for one last conversation where you state plainly you want to be married, you have every right to want that and that you’re not prepared to wait. Tell him that his delaying and getting angry has made you seriously doubt whether you’re on the same page and that now is the time for some real honesty with yourselves and each other about whether this has a future. That even if he did propose now he’s really made you question whether he’d even mean it, and that you both need to do some soul searching about what you actually want and what happens next.