3 years since he said he would propose, now he gets angry if I bring it up

[WaityKatie89]

Hi

I need some brutally honest advice about my relationship and to know if I’m being unreasonable.

I’ve written and rewritten this post so many times, so I’m just going to put the basics out and some background and hopefully you can give me some advice.

I’ve been with my OH for nearly 8 years. We’ve lived together for 5, own a home together and have a cat. He’s my best friend and I love him unconditionally which is why this situation has left me so baffled and to be honest, heartbroken.

About 3 years ago, I decided to end things and during the discussion (completely out of the blue) he told me he was planning on proposing.

Long story short, we stayed together but in the past 3 years nothing has happened - in fact, he now gets angry and annoyed if I try to bring up anything to do with engagements or marriage.

Initially he took me to look at rings as he wanted to propose to me with the “actual ring” but after about 10 months, that stopped and he started to get irritated when I brought it up.

Thinking it was just a bloke thing and that ring shopping isn’t exactly exciting for him. I carried on looking by myself but every idea I put to him was either “too expensive”, “are you sure of that one?”, “what if you change your mind?” etc.

The final straw came when I presented a design to him that was VERY under budget, about 10% of the budget he initially told me. So what did he say when I showed it to him? “It’s too cheap”. I absolutely hit the roof and told him all I wanted to do was be with him and that if that was really his reason for not getting a ring, then he clearly wasn’t serious. Well... he bought the ring, which was delivered 3 weeks later... almost 7 months ago.

It was “hidden” in his sock drawer, where it has remained COMPLETELY unopened (not even the parcel delivery bag has been opened) since.

OH still continues to get angry if I try to bring anything up about weddings etc. I’ve tried to talk to him (calmly, crying, joking) at different times, but every time he just gets angry and irritated and I end up in tears. On the flip side, he also regularly mentions how I will be his fiancé soon?!!

He’s said that he’s “excited on the inside” but because I want to talk about engagements “all the time” that’s what makes him so annoyed and why he gets angry every time.

So, here’s the big question - AIBU? Is there something I’m missing here that’s really obvious to everyone else because I would really like to know.

This whole situation has left me utterly heartbroken, it’s made me feel like the whole idea only came about because I tried to leave him and the subsequent avoidance is because he doesn’t want to. I’ve flat out asked him if this is the case to which he’s said no. I’ve even asked if we can take a proposal off the cards just for now, until this has all coolled down - thinking this might take pressure off him - but he refuses.

I feel so lost and heartbroken. I’ve been with this person for nearly 8 years and this has made me feel like o don’t know him at all. I feel like maybe this is my fault for being too excited and not letting it go? All I know is now that any proposal will be tinged with sadness because of of what has happened.

@WaityKatie89

You do not love him unconditionally - your conditions are marriage proposal and subsequent wedding/marriage, otherwise you wouldn't have even brought it up to public.

It is classical manipulation and control situation, where you are a donkey, proposal/marriage is the carrot and your partner is dangling that said carrot in front of you.

Do not make ultimatums, just wait number of months/days (set your own date) without bringing it up, and leave if nothing happens. However, in case of proposal, I would think long and hard of what kind of life I would have with a person that manipulates me like that. Will this be the same when it will come to children?

You want to marry someone who has made it plain he doesnt want to marry you. The fact he hasn't even opened the box containing the ring says everything you need to know. He regrets buying it and wont move forward because he just doesnt want to marry you. Please gather up your selfworth and end the relationship with some dignity so you can find someone who loves you, is proud of you and wants to marry you and share your life. Dont waste the best years of your life with someone like him.
I'd put money on him marrying a rebound woman within 2 years. Sadly seen this happen to friends at least twice!

Please listen to every older, wiser voice telling you to run and find some more self respect. You deserve so much better than this.

About 3 years ago, I decided to end things and during the discussion (completely out of the blue) he told me he was planning on proposing.

Why did you want to end it 3 years ago?
Why did you decide to go back to him because he said he was "planning" on proposing?
He just didn't want the relationship to end so he thought coming out with his "plan" to propose would keep you sweet.
He does not intend to marry you. He's keeping you hanging on and keeping his options open.
If he wanted to marry you he would have asked you long ago and without all this "planning" nonsense.
All this planning to propose and planning to get engaged which you see in some OPs on mumsnet is bollocks and in most cases probably leads to nothing. If you want to get married one person asks the other, perhaps in a surprise proposal or perhaps during a discussion. Not this business faffing about looking for rings together and then waiting for ever until the OH proposes. That sort of thing is all for show.

Get rid of him. Your instinct 3 years ago was right.

I have been in your shoes and wish I had left after he made me cancel the first wedding. I left 4 years later as even after a second proposal I saw the light and realised he had no intention of marrying me. In the cold light of day I was nothing more than a replacement mother for him.
It has left me feeling fundamentally unmarriageable. I agree with other posters that I would not want to be married to someone I felt I had forced down the aisle.
When I ended it he played the victim beautifully but most people, as all the posters here have, they will see right through him💐

He’s holding it over you

Leave

He doesn't want to marry you
Even if you do end up persuading him, what a damp squib it will be, you'll always feel he was reluctant

Dump him and find someone who will be thrilled to walk down the aisle with you

*I would go further than some other posters and say that he’s an emotionally abusive bully. He pretended that he wanted to be engaged to get you to stay with him. Since then he has repeatedly reneged on that. If you remind him of it he has a go at you until you cry and then later throws you another bone by mentioning that soon you will be his fiancé.

If you leave him now he will produce the ring with a flourish and give you a big ‘I can’t live without you’ proposal. Then you can wear your compromise ring for another few years while he evades setting a wedding date.*

I agree with @Quarantimespringclean. And also all the other posters who have pointed out that you shouldn’t love anyone but a child unconditionally. Your love for this man should be conditional on him loving you and treating you with respect (which he isn’t).

But yeah, I think his behaviour is controlling, abusive and cruel. And I think if you decide to try and leave he will do exactly as predicted above, so you will have to be strong.

I'm so sad for you that he's dragged another 3 years from you.

What will happen when you get that ring on your finger? Another 5-10 years of begging for an actual marriage?

He's stringing you along. You're his safe bet. Maybe he loves you in his own way but its not the love you NEED.

Every minute you waste longer with this bloke you deprive yourself happiness elsewhere.

Should also add that this proposal nonsense is bollocks, DH and I agreed to get married while doing the dishes together one Sunday afternoon. There was never a ring involved and we're the happiest couple I know

I can imagine all these comments sting a little OP, but it's pretty unanimous in what everyone is saying.
Surly you don't even want him to propose to you now, the amount of hurt he's already caused you over it completely takes the shine away. Just cut your loses and go and be happy

Get rid, WaityKatie, you are still young and the world is your lobster. He doesn't want to marry you.

Once you've parted the man will probably realise what he has lost but don't think of that. Be an independent woman and stride forward.

He sounds so mean to you OP. I think I'd do what other posters have suggested - say nothing but give him two months where you don't mention it once. That way if he does want to do an elaborate surprise he can. If after two months have passed nothing has happened then leave him. Sounds like you were prepared to do that anyway. And hes not coming across as marriage material.

Please be kind to yourself and ditch him OP. I’ve been where you are, and it’s emotional abuse. You’re future self will thank you.
I too spent 8 years with someone who was reluctant to commit (turns out it was because he had a whole other life with another woman for 2 of those years!). My self esteem was through the floor.
3 years later and I’m planning my wedding to the most wonderful man who I didn’t have to cajole or nag and who is equally excited to marry me.

This is so sad, OP. It’s clear that he doesn’t want to marry you. I hope that you find the strength to leave him and don’t get reeled back in with empty promises. Even if he does proposed now, he’s taken all of the shine off a moment most couples cherish.

P.s. I remember being in a similar situation of wanting to get engaged, BF at the time was reluctant. He finally proposed, then absolutely refused point blank to plan a wedding or discuss any plans. It’s funny now, but at the time it was so upsetting. His reaction and reluctance ruined what should have been a fun and exciting time.

Don’t waste more time on your BF. No doubt he’s comfortable with how things are and won’t change. You shouldn’t have to force his hand and convince him that you’re “the one”.

I agree with the other comments.

Get out now while you still have the energy to do it, and to fight your corner for your share of the assets.

If you don't, you will continue like this and you will become increasingly unhappy and bitter and difficult to live with - and he will then use that as an excuse to dump you (When he's found himself another similarly pliable mate). By that time you will be depressed and so under confident that his betrayal will crush you.

Just get your financial ducks in a row, pack your stuff and leave.

Don't even tell him until it is a done deed.

He may come running after you, brandishing the ring - tell him to stick it back in the drawer, or up his backside, whichever he prefers.

DON'T be taken in by him again - it will destroy you!

Why did you want to break up 3 years ago?

I agree with others OP, I'm sorry but it doesn't sound like he wants to marry you. In fact he sounds quite nasty by the way he is treating you.
If he does propose, you will then be in the same situation with regards the wedding - he won't plan it and will cause a fight every time you try to bring it up. He will believe you've got the ring, what more do you want?

@Megan2018

You have been played.

He was never going to propose. He said that so you wouldn’t leave.

One day, when he finds the person he does want to marry, he will leave you.

He bought the cheap ring because it’s cheaper than selling the house and breaking up and be doesn’t want to be alone.

When you break up with him again he will produce the eing. But you’ll then repeat the whole sorry saga with trying to book a date...

Is that clear enough?

So sorry to be blunt but it’s obviously not a happy ever after!

This

I think he was using it as a means to control you. Especially because he said ti whencyou told him you wanted to leave. But then you took over and he was no longer in control. So now he's controlling when he does it either to push you under his thumb again or to spite you.
I'd cut your losses if I were you. He's playing games and I dont think he actually wants to marry you. Bet when you tell him you want to leave he tells you he was planning on proposing soon.

OP, my instinct is that he loves you but you are not his ultimate passion.... so he knows the sensible thing would be to marry you and in many ways it would make him happy, but he 'has' you in all meaningful ways already so why on earth would he forge ahead?. He probably feels bad towards you and probably expects he will marry you. But he has a lurking feeling that he is giving up the possibility of a passionate love.

You deserve to be with someone who would walk across nails to secure your hand. Not get nagged into it after years. And that is not about the proposal - it's about what life will feel like years after. If he is half hearted now, he will be resentful and apathetic later. And vulnerable to having affairs or leaving for some 'love of his life'.

I also wonder if he is truly a passion for you? You describe him as your best friend and loving him unconditionally.... both suggest something that isn't about romantic love..... the first is 'friendly' which can be a good basis for a life partner, if twinned with other thing. the unconditional love I think is really unhealthy if you really mean it. You owe your child unconditional love, not an adult partner. How your partner treats you should earn your love and commitment to them. The amount of ways you are trying to pacify/ cajole to avoid his irritation/ take pressure off etc sounds very maternal to be honest.

You also threatened to leave before...? I think there is probably someone out there who would make you much happier...... ?

Sorry. )-:

@dontdisturbmenow

He probably Hayes the idea that he has to do it under pressure. He wants to do it when he feels it's right for him and that is when he doesn't feel he has to do it. Problem is, he never feels like this because it's always on your mind and bring it up with anger and disappointment.

You need to either forget about marriage and accept you are with him because you love him, not because you desperately want to be married. In all likelihood, if you go to that point, it's when he would proposed.

Or you don't, and might as well break up with him as he might indeed never feel relaxed enough to want to do it.

This

Go and put the ring on. That’ll get the convo going.

I assume you were born in 1989, and if you want children please dont waste your fertile years with him. He doesn't want to get married or you would be, he won't want kids but will say he does 'at some point' which will never actually arrive.

Look up the sunk costs fallacy, don't fall into the trap of staying and wasting even more time

There is a book called Hes Just Not That Into You, easy to read and almost written for you, would recommend it.