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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Have you lost any friends during lockdown?

36 replies

randomer · 09/06/2020 08:40

lost as in faded away, not any tragedies. One of mine was on thin ice and I think its fallen into the ice now. Lives very nearby, has had not contact at all. Me doing all the running.

OP posts:

EmbarrassedUser · 09/06/2020 09:12

If anything I’ve reconnected with friends who I’ve not had time for recently. More time for phone and video chats, really nice.

Original poster

randomer · 09/06/2020 09:26

Thats lovely, must just be me then!

OP posts:

DrManhattan · 09/06/2020 09:30

No not just you. I have a couple of friends and I think I am doing all the running so letting them go. Its strange at the moment. People are acting weird. Probably me included lol

canigooutyet · 09/06/2020 09:37

Yea I have. If I’d know they were racists to begin with I would have dumped them a long time ago.
Although still wondering why they were friends to begin with.

Some like you it was me doing the running around, or constantly listening to them talk about absolute shite about people I’ve never met. It became aparant last year but it was a hard year and put it down to that. But looking back nope, always the same.

I don’t ghost. I message and explain why it’s ended.

Kvala · 09/06/2020 09:42

I also think I've lost a friendship that was possibly on its way out anyway. Since lockdown began, I found that I was always contacting her to catch up so a few weeks ago i stopped to see if she would get in touch with me instead, and she hasn't. I know that she has friends who live close to her who she has probably bonded with during this time as they've been able to have end of the driveway chats etc whereas I haven't seen her at all. It's sad but life is hopefully long and you have to accept that friends come and go.

Igtg · 09/06/2020 09:43

Yes. I’ve re-evaluated a couple of friendships and let them go. I am hurt by one of them. They might pick up again in a year or so but possibly not.

pinkglove75318 · 09/06/2020 09:43

I have found the opposite. my main group of friends, we zoom chat and play games weekly.

my old group of friends from school have all reconnected and zoom chat every 2 weeks of so.

Croquemonsieur · 09/06/2020 09:48

Possibly. I moved suddenly just before lockdown after a house purchase fell through to a very rural place where I know no one with no phone coverage/landline, and where I am so busy with work and homeschooling DS that I have just dropped out of contact with everyone apart from my elderly locked-down parents.

However, unlike many people on Mn who seem to regard it as a personal insult when friends don't keep in regular contact at all times, I am fine with friends dropping out of contact for months at a time, or longer, when they've got some circumstance going on -- our friendships are all the stronger for not including the possibility of breaks without anyone demanding explanations or feeling betrayed.

ILiveInSalemsLot · 09/06/2020 09:56

I think so. I haven’t spoken to one friend since Lockdown. She was always a bit ‘i just tell it how it is’ and said a few things in a group chat that I know everyone found offensive.
I just haven’t bothered to contact her personally and she hasn’t contacted me either when we used to be in regular contact.
I’m not too fussed to be honest.

MintChocAddict · 09/06/2020 09:57

People are acting weird No shit, sherlock.

I can't believe people are re-evaluating their friendships based on behaviour at the moment.
They may be your friends however you have NO idea what's been going on behind closed doors. The worries, stresses etc etc etc. It's personal to everyone.

I saw a post on here that extroverts are a pain in the arse during lockdown. It's worth remembering that not everyone feels like socialising or even talking to friends at the moment. That's OK.

Some people run a mile from Zoom, 'fun quizzes' etc. That's OK too. Don't take it personally.

Re-evaluate your friendships when everyone is back on a level playing field and let people be at the moment.

sirfredfredgeorge · 09/06/2020 10:06

There are lots of people who have friendships based around shared activities, it's actually the commonest type of friendships for men - zoom chats or phone calls are not in any way a substitute for it, they're a completely different thing that doesn't maintain a friendship at all for them, so they don't think of it.

Maybe your friend is one of those people, and maybe they'll return when you can do things together, rather than just "chat".

Original poster

randomer · 09/06/2020 10:40

I see your point @mintchocchip. Yes everyone is acting weird and I am sensitive to what people may or may not be going through. But if people totally ignore you for 12 weeks or so, you have to question it ? A short text " Don't feel so good" would be helpful to me.

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NoSexPleaseWeAreInAPandemic · 09/06/2020 10:49

I've purposefully lost one friend because I'd been realising for a year or so now that she was a negative presence in my life, and I've been wanting to lose her from my life, and I realised that I cannot do a zoom quiz with her every week and be all pally pally if once lockdown if over, I don't want to see her anymore. So I made sure to pull back during this time, so that she can realise that i'm not one of the friends that she can rely on as always being there for here. Am feeling fairly guilty about the way I've done it - was advised that pulling back rather than messaging her to say "I think you're a negative person who i'd rather not have in my life" was kinder, but now I'm wondering if I've essentially "ghosted" her and am feeling a bit guilty.

As for other friends, I think the people who I keep in regular contact with throughout lockdown have come to mean even more to me, as I think we've been a great source of support to each other. I would say a couple of friendships have strengthened

nibdedibble · 09/06/2020 10:56

Yes, I have: one friend who lives entirely alone. I wanted to encourage her in the beginning to make sure she had medical supplies which she really needs, and enough food for a little while. She has mental health problems and is in a vulnerable group; I was worried about her.

We spent a few weeks doing the old 'how are you getting on?' and one day I told her, things are shit because of homeschooling. I didn't go on and on (truly) but it obviously annoyed her because she hasn't contacted me again.

I guess I went too far? I don't know. She has form for being very, very self-absorbed, partly being alone, no relationships ever, and partly MH problems, therapy etc. It's hard work at the best of times. So an easy exit I guess.

Lemonmaid · 09/06/2020 11:00

One who kept trying to recruit me into her NM travel business and wouldn't take no for an answer, so had to block her on SM. She's since sent a few texts bordering on abusive....NM and MLM does strange things to people

vanillandhoney · 09/06/2020 11:02

Well, I had someone decide they didn't want to be friends any longer - one minute we were messaging about TV shows and the next I was blocked and deleted from all her social media

canigooutyet · 09/06/2020 11:23

Lemonade- if they are still doing it send them a text basically informing them your not interested in whatever and if it carries it will be harassment.

Yea it’s worded wrong etc but that usually makes them back off. Some don’t care so told bye told you I don’t care and deleted.

I give people chances of course. However when they still carry on regardless they can find other people to hassle.

I also have friends who are the same as me and well all just fall of the earth whilst we deal with whatever. One of the reasons why I say bye and reasons.

canigooutyet · 09/06/2020 11:23

@vanillandhoney
What were you watching that was so offensive? 🤣

vanillandhoney · 09/06/2020 12:03

[quote canigooutyet]@vanillandhoney
What were you watching that was so offensive? 🤣[/quote]
Hahah, I have no idea

We were messaging fine, the conversation ended, then I went to tag her in something a few days later and she was gone off my page. First I thought she'd just deleted FB but 'cause I'm a nosy cow, I snooped via DH's page and no, her account is still active - very bizarre!

I don't really care enough to find out why though - if someone wants to be that petty then it's on them really!

canigooutyet · 09/06/2020 12:16

I lost a mate through tv a few years ago. All I said was so glad I stopped watching live tv when it’s full of dull reality tv and soaps. 🤣 Batshit thing they didn’t watch this stuff either

Whatisthisfuckery · 09/06/2020 12:22

I split up with my partner of nearly 7 years if that counts. The usual, problems in the relationship that lockdown magnified. I’m much happier tbh.

MintChocAddict · 09/06/2020 13:08

randomer

But if people totally ignore you for 12 weeks or so, you have to question it ? A short text " Don't feel so good" would be helpful to me.

But can't you see that although that message might be helpful to you it might be something she doesn't want to share?

Self preservation is possibly more important at the moment than meeting your needs.

Comefromaway · 09/06/2020 13:11

I never had any non virtual friends in the first place

Original poster

randomer · 11/06/2020 18:30

@mintchcochip, yes, I see your point and I respect boundaries. I would have hoped after 25 years of friendship and all the technology at our disposal, somebody could have managed a quick message. I'm sorry, but I would have. Its clear she doesn't value the friendship. It s been me pestering for years , no more.

OP posts:

Original poster

randomer · 11/06/2020 18:31

Its not about my needs, its just common decency.

OP posts:

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