Mother in law lied about getting coldsores HELP

[Natashabobasha1]

Hello everyone. When my child was 4 months old I issued a blanket rule to both my own family and my husband's:no kissing my baby!
She's now 10 months old.Now I'm prepared to let people kiss the top of her head. But NO FACE KISSES!

Note: I don't care if someone gets coldsores, I just dont want my child to get them from caregivers.

My husband's family has a tendency of getting cold sores...very rarely..BUT his sister is affected very regularly...severely! Almost every week in the winter, and every time I see them, I scheme and plot to hold my baby and NOT pass her around since I've never had an open dialogue with her or his family about it. I feel stressed, sweaty and shaky whenever she's around my baby with an outbreak because of this.

In order to keep myself from losing my mind, I've told everyone via whatsapp message and in person not to kiss my baby. Nobody has ever kissed my baby's mouth. Ever.

My husband's sister kissed her on the forehead and had a cold sore coming when she was 4 months old. I spotted the redness and when I gently questioned her, almost whispering "you aren't getting a cold sore, are you?"
She said "no...why??? " and then her hand shot up to her mouth and she jumped back..then sat down...it was obvious she'd just forgotten she was getting one at the time.... but my husband's family doesn't talk about a lot of things directly, so it's that much harder for me....
The last time I saw her, that very same redness had turned into a very big cold sore.

I have explained to his incredulous parents that saliva can get into a baby's mucous membranes with or without an outbreak.

My MIL(mother-in-law)said her husband doesn't get them. She flat out lied. He does get them. HE even said so during that very same conversation. Then, this week, i video chatted with her and SHE HAD ONE. It made me so angry. But I didn't confront her. I took screenshots of her face like a crazy person.

She has reluctantly agreed to our request, but seems like his parents had no idea (and still don't believe) that it was even contagious and they say it's from stress and not a virus.

They've obviously UNknowingly infected their own children when they were young, as their adult kids have had cold sores since childhood (my husband says so). I don't want them infecting my child out of ignorance.

When I explained that I don't share utensils or cups with my baby because I could transmit bacteria that causes cavities, MIL(mother-in-law)said "oh, but it doesn't hurt" ...I said..."yes, it can cause cavities" ...she seemed to shrug it off.

Now I'm so paranoid that she'll feed my baby with her utensils out of spite or something ..or that FIL(father-in-law)will infect my baby during an outbreak due to absent mindedness.

They are passive people...passive aggressive nowadays....and very stubborn. When my husband told his dad not to stop by unnanounced and look in all the windows, he came over that very day and peered in all the windows and stopped by anyway.

(We live 300 meters away from them and they helped with the down payment...)

They've never been problematic before my child was born, but since having her, my requesting a bit of space (calling before visiting and not having them babysit because I'm not ready to leave her) seems to offend them.

Me trying to educatethem.aboutthings falls on incredulous ears. The fact that my MIL(mother-in-law)lied to me about not getting coldsores makes me really question her credibility and now I feel like I can't trust her!!! I hate lies and I have been so hurt in the past by.people lying to me. Now, I carry resentment towardsthem.for making me feel uncomfortablein.myown home and angry that I can't trust them.

How should I handle this? Should I tell her how I feel? Should I confront her? I feel like quitting my job and not returning to work as projected in 4 months' time. They are my only babysitters.

Yanbu regarding coldsores!
However the utensil thing is weird!

Indeed, the cavities /sharing utensils is a well known thing @Tropicalsquirrel.

But cavities can come from other sources too, and some people seem to have teeth that are teflon coated and never develop a problem regardless of how they abuse them.

@Natashabobasha1

I think the responses so far are probably from people who suffer from coldsores already... ...

But I'd like to know WHAT to do. It's about dishonesty and trust. It's not about herpes...

I have never had a cold sore in my life, what is it about mn recently, anyone who disagrees must already have the problem!

You are over reacting (When I explained that I don't share utensils or cups with my baby because I could transmit bacteria that causes cavities)

OP You came on here to ask for people's advice and when they give it you accuse them of suffering from herpes and being unhygienic with their children.

It's clear why people around you lie - they lie because you act like a comedy villain, confronting them if you even think they are doing something you disapprove of. If you stop treating people like naughty children then they will stop acting like naughty children. I suggest you read up on transactional analysis and try to have adult relationships with the adults in your son's life.

I say this as someone who follows, to the letter, my DS and DIL's rules re DGS as they are responsible for his well-being, However I know that if I forgot for a moment and kissed him, my DIL would not confront me like an avenging angel. We would have an adult conversation and respect each other's viewpoint. Try it sometime.

You raise some valid points, however you also sound like you're riddled with anxiety and neurosis.

Oh and you're fucking rude.

I think the responses so far are probably from people who suffer from coldsores already
Well I've never had one and I think you are being completely over the top and your replies are extremely rude. Why come on a forum asking for advice and then complaining when people give a "lazy response" of "seek help". It's not a lazy response. Later in my post I'm also going to suggest you seek help.
I do understand where you're coming from with the cold sores - people with an active outbreak of cold sores shouldn't be kissing anyone.
The rest of it, though, is ludicrous. You can post here in a very self-confident, forthright manner yet you can't have a conversation with the in laws.
You think your in-laws might feed your child with their utensils and give your child cavities?
You took screenshots of your MIL's face to prove she had a cold sore.

In all honesty, how on earth are you going to cope when your child goes to nursery and school where there is a much greater risk of some kind of infection. Children play very close together and kiss and hug all the time. Are you going to ban your child from doing this?
You absolutely cannot control your child's life to that extent. You can ensure good dental hygiene and teach about hand washing etc.
But it sounds to me that you have issues surrounding this that are beyond normal motherly concerns and should perhaps discuss this with your family doctor. They will be able to suggest what is and isn't a risk to your baby and perhaps offer therapy for you if you are struggling with anxiety around this issue.

If you don't trust your in laws to look after your baby then you will need to start thinking of alternative arrangements. I wouldn't want to look after your baby if I was them - I wouldn't be able to stick to all the rules and regulations without making a mistake. If your baby got an infection of some description I'd be first in the firing line.
Do them a favour and find an alternative childcare arrangement...

I've never had coldsores and I think you're losing your shit to put it mildly.

The fact you've out this on multiple forums points to someone obsessing about a minor issue, why did you do that if it wasn't just for attention?

@Natashabobasha1

I think people feel offended because they share utensils with their kids and kiss their kids with herpes, maybe.

Thank you for the answer!

I’ve always worried about my babies getting heroes from an adult but you need to calm down you sound offensive to your in laws and treating them like leper’s , very hard work to be around .

You are definately not being unreasonable. My 8 month old son got herpes from my MIL. She kissed him on his cheek. He spent 3 days and nights in an isolation room with myself and hubby taking turns. The herpes spread all over his body, it was heartbreaking to look at him. When he got home I noticed cold sore on MILs mouth and I was fuming. Told hubby our son got herpes from her. MIL is very difficult and you cannot talk to her about anything. She obviously knew she did it and did the whole reverse psychology thing on us "saying you shouldn't let anybody kiss him, I only ever kiss his hand", lying you know what. There is no need to kiss babies faces.

*won't

@throwaway201809

I think your biggest mistake was buying a house 300 meters from your in-laws! You need some space. Coldsores are horrible, I get them most winter and they're miserable

Her wicked germ-ridden MIL bought her the house. And will provide free childcare.

@Natashabobasha1

Ohtherewearethen sorry to sound mean and rude. I'm just incredulous that boundaries are off table for swapping spit with someone who can't decide for herself...would YOU want to swap spit with your 70 year old in-laws, parents and another set of grandparents and extended family? As adults, WE can choose.

why do you keep saying that "swapping spit"?

Going forward, find alternative childcare arrangements or relationships with the wider family will become beyond repair.

Move house!

OP I'm a dentist.

I can categorically say that sharing cutlery does NOT cause cavities. That's ridiculous. There are no definitive conclusions on this.
Yes. Strep mutans can be transmitted from cutlery/dishes etc, and a obviously herpes is nasty in a child especially so if a member of my family were to have for instance a strep throat infection I would be extra careful with hygiene etc, and ensure utensils are not shared.
However it is worth bearing in mind that strep mutans can be part of a normal flora. A large proportion of the population carry these bugs naturally, as do a large number carry the herpes virus.

What I'm saying is that you would need to wrap your child in cotton wool, follow them around all day with hand sanitizer and practice social distancing forever if you want to avoid them catching these things. ( never mind Covid19)

Have a look at the NHS website and the Oral Health Foundation for evidence based, correct and up to date information. Make sure your child has excellent oral hygiene, to keep plaque levels at bay. And reduce or avoid sugary foods. Simple

www.dentalhealth.org/dental-decay

You do sound very very anxious. You have two choices it seems. Get help for your anxiety or take the cotton wool approach with your child. Hopefully with time you will be more relaxed. Your in-laws are probably picking up on your anxiety and feeling frustration, and annoyance. Pity

If your American forum agreed with you and were baying for your MiLs blood then you have all the validation you need, so why post on here too?

I get cold sores as does my DH neither of my adult children do. I have kissed my GC on top of the head from birth but only when I have no sores (and can tell when one is coming) as they have gotten older I kiss them on the cheek when sore free.

Your baby your rules but I wouldn’t stop the kissing completely just when necessary.

If they’re that bad - move house and repay the down payment. Even if you have to downsize.

Pay for childcare when you return to work.

There. Sorted.

@IndieRo kissing onto his hand could actually have spread the virus anyway- and it was a highly unfortunate thing to happen that really was very unlikely to. I’m sorry your little one became so ill with it- but realistically the risk of that happening is very very low- unless your MIL knew she had a cold sore at that point it was just an accident.
@Natashabobasha1Many people carry the herpes simplex 1 virus with NO symptoms at all (WHO reference) so unless you’re going to ban anyone from ever kissing your baby at all she will likely get it anyway- probably from your husband to be honest.
You are being unreasonable and the fact that people in the US agreed with you frankly proves that you’re being unreasonable- they probably also voted for Trump! 🤔

@Natashabobasha1

wowthisisreal I think.you as a mom know what is best for your child..you know how to protect him

You, however, are not in.denial.about reality like my in-laws.

Do you vaccinate?

@Natashabobasha1 - I am aware of the risks - but are you saying my children should grow up with a mother who doesn't kiss them because she sometimes gets cold sores? Maybe I shouldn't have any more children because the risks are too great? The virus should die out with me?

Does your husband kiss your child?

I think you are right to say no kissing when you have an active sore. But no kissing full stop when there is no active sore will damage the child more than the virus will (after they are very young).

For clarity -

Don't kiss my child when you have a cold sore. Don't share cups or cutlery when you have a cold sore, don't share towels etc when you have a cold sore - YANBU

Don't kiss my child because you suffer with cold sores - YABVVU

Ok. Let’s get to the crux of this.

There is no trust between you and your in laws. You can’t have people you don’t trust care for your child.

So: use paid childcare.

About 50% of the US population has herpes simplex virus 1 - the usual cause of cold sores. You are not going to be able to keep your child away from people who carry it. The minute your child gets to mix with other small children, they will all be kissing and slobbering over each other (toddlers do not get social distancing ).

Your family are likely lying to you because they don't know how else to handle your health anxiety.

You are feeling protective of your child and of course it is not acceptable to kiss a tiny baby if you have a cold sore. I also think that your ILs shouldn't be providing child care if you don't trust them. On the other hand whoever looks after your child in whatever setting will bring positives and negatives eg non stop viruses at nursery , experience over many years in the case of mil. When there are two or more children in the family one can't cocoon the new baby much as one wants to; the toddler is popping things in the baby's mouth, smothering then I snot, shouting and laughing and the baby survives.
As far as cold sores are concerned my middle child has had them since he was a babe in arms. None of the rest of us get them and I can only assume that I am a silent carrier and probably his sister too. He most likely caught it from one of us and has never passed it on in the family.

You sound like the daughter in law from hell to be honest.
Get professional help before you burden your child with all this anxiety and paranoia. Your dh should be marching you to the Doctors.