Mother in law lied about getting coldsores HELP

[Natashabobasha1]

Hello everyone. When my child was 4 months old I issued a blanket rule to both my own family and my husband's:no kissing my baby!
She's now 10 months old.Now I'm prepared to let people kiss the top of her head. But NO FACE KISSES!

Note: I don't care if someone gets coldsores, I just dont want my child to get them from caregivers.

My husband's family has a tendency of getting cold sores...very rarely..BUT his sister is affected very regularly...severely! Almost every week in the winter, and every time I see them, I scheme and plot to hold my baby and NOT pass her around since I've never had an open dialogue with her or his family about it. I feel stressed, sweaty and shaky whenever she's around my baby with an outbreak because of this.

In order to keep myself from losing my mind, I've told everyone via whatsapp message and in person not to kiss my baby. Nobody has ever kissed my baby's mouth. Ever.

My husband's sister kissed her on the forehead and had a cold sore coming when she was 4 months old. I spotted the redness and when I gently questioned her, almost whispering "you aren't getting a cold sore, are you?"
She said "no...why??? " and then her hand shot up to her mouth and she jumped back..then sat down...it was obvious she'd just forgotten she was getting one at the time.... but my husband's family doesn't talk about a lot of things directly, so it's that much harder for me....
The last time I saw her, that very same redness had turned into a very big cold sore.

I have explained to his incredulous parents that saliva can get into a baby's mucous membranes with or without an outbreak.

My MIL(mother-in-law)said her husband doesn't get them. She flat out lied. He does get them. HE even said so during that very same conversation. Then, this week, i video chatted with her and SHE HAD ONE. It made me so angry. But I didn't confront her. I took screenshots of her face like a crazy person.

She has reluctantly agreed to our request, but seems like his parents had no idea (and still don't believe) that it was even contagious and they say it's from stress and not a virus.

They've obviously UNknowingly infected their own children when they were young, as their adult kids have had cold sores since childhood (my husband says so). I don't want them infecting my child out of ignorance.

When I explained that I don't share utensils or cups with my baby because I could transmit bacteria that causes cavities, MIL(mother-in-law)said "oh, but it doesn't hurt" ...I said..."yes, it can cause cavities" ...she seemed to shrug it off.

Now I'm so paranoid that she'll feed my baby with her utensils out of spite or something ..or that FIL(father-in-law)will infect my baby during an outbreak due to absent mindedness.

They are passive people...passive aggressive nowadays....and very stubborn. When my husband told his dad not to stop by unnanounced and look in all the windows, he came over that very day and peered in all the windows and stopped by anyway.

(We live 300 meters away from them and they helped with the down payment...)

They've never been problematic before my child was born, but since having her, my requesting a bit of space (calling before visiting and not having them babysit because I'm not ready to leave her) seems to offend them.

Me trying to educatethem.aboutthings falls on incredulous ears. The fact that my MIL(mother-in-law)lied to me about not getting coldsores makes me really question her credibility and now I feel like I can't trust her!!! I hate lies and I have been so hurt in the past by.people lying to me. Now, I carry resentment towardsthem.for making me feel uncomfortablein.myown home and angry that I can't trust them.

How should I handle this? Should I tell her how I feel? Should I confront her? I feel like quitting my job and not returning to work as projected in 4 months' time. They are my only babysitters.

Take a breath OP. I used to get cold sores after being infected by a boyfriend in my 20’s but I haven’t had one for years. My husband and I would never kiss when we had one or felt one coming. We have never kissed our children whilst we had one. Our kids are adult now and have never become infected. I know they can cause a massive issue in a baby and even cause death so I do understand your concern.
You had my sympathy up to the cavities bit. That is utterly ridiculous. I hope you’ve not said those cavity thoughts out loud as people will think you’ve lost the plot.
Stick to your guns about the kissing the baby but the reality is people like to kiss babies and someone at some point will kiss your baby whether you like it or not. It’s not something you can realistically police unless you intend to never ever let the baby out of your sight.

wowthisisreal I think.you as a mom know what is best for your child..you know how to protect him

You, however, are not in.denial.about reality like my in-laws.

If this is all you’ve got to worry about ,seriously how will you cope if your child gets ill get a grip

You're not being unreasonable, mumsnet just loves a pile on. They get a whiff of a worried first time mum and they're like sharks smelling blood in the water.

Honestly it's very unlikely that she will get gum disease, I do think you're misinformed on that, but sharing utensils (outside of immediate family) is still disgusting and can transmit other germs. You are not wrong to want to limit it.

The coldsore thing is a hard, hard no. Having coldsores is such an unpleasant experience, it's not unreasonable to want to protect your child from that. And more worryingly, an initial herpes infection in babies can be serious (and even life threatening) so why on earth would you take that chance when it's so easily preventable by just not kissing the baby.

It sounds like there are other issues at play, OP, like your in laws not respecting your wishes. Who on earth thinks that "please don't give my child herpes" is an unreasonable request?

Where is your husband in all of this? Does he have your back?

Ok night night. I'm really leaving now. Got to get up with my gorgeous child tmrw. Bye! Thanks for the non lazy responses!

Ok Natasha. Bye now

I get occasional cold sores, and I just avoid kissing on the lips. I still kiss my children on the cheek, forehead or whatever and they’ve never had one, and neither has my DH. I’ve also never had a cavity and I’m 40. By continually mentioning herpes, you’re clearly being goady.
As for the trust issue, they’ve probably got tired of you being so over the top so now feel they need to hide every little thing. You have 2 choices, either have a proper conversation with them, explain calmly why you don’t want kissing on the lips but please don’t start talking about herpes, accusing them of anything, or claiming everyone with cold sores gets cavities (it’s just not true). Option 2 is move away and don’t use them for childcare, but you will be denying your child that close relationship, which is sad.

And to the moms with herpes "very afraid" to infect their kids...why are you so afraid? It's because they suck so bad for some people. So imagine me dealing with people who say they aren't contagious!

...

Omg people! Educate yourselves! Just because you've never heard of it, doesnt mean it's nuts!

People!!!! Cavities are transmissible!!!! Look it up! Ask a dentist!

Night night.

@clearedfortakeoff, the OP is in the U S where it is late night.

I think your biggest mistake was buying a house 300 meters from your in-laws! You need some space. Coldsores are horrible, I get them most winter and they're miserable

I think theres actually 2 issues to this - your anxiety around infections and you pil not telling you the truth.

You're right, coldsores can be dangerous to babies (though tiny babies in partocular) and at best unpleasant/unsightly for the sufferer. Of course you dont want your child to contract them. So reasonable steps would be to ask people with them not to kiss your child or touch their coldsore then touch your baby. This is sensible and reasonable. Sending a whatsapp when you've said in person is a bit much. Taking screenshots of people with them is bizarre. Incidentally, you know you might be an asymptomatic carrier I assume? Or your husband?
What happens when your baby starts nursery or school? Toddlers slobber over and kiss each other all the time.

What happened when your baby was 4 months to make you start to enforce all of this?

As far as utensils, I kind of get this; my husband and I will use the same fork or spoon as my ds to share something but I'd probably not be keen on ds using someone elses, more for the ick factor than specifically worrying about cavities thoigh. .

As for the lying, perhaps they were worried about how you would react? Perhaps they didnt want to worry you? Perhaps you're right and they dont share your concerns. It's not right to lie to you but it does sound like you're on the attack with them (as well as with other posters here).

At the end of the day, your baby your rules I guess but your behaviours do come across as that you may be suffering with anxiety beyond the norm. Is your husband concerned?

You sound extremely anxious OP, and I think you need to address this. You are obsessing over every little thing that could go wrong and this is very unhealthy, you can't wrap your child in cotton wool for her whole life.

You are being quite rude towards people OP. In the meantime I suggest you either get help for your anxiety or stick to forums where death to the in laws was the response.

I get cold sores. My parents have never had them.
I totally understand your cautious approach when they have one.
The rest? Wow.
You need to talk to your husband about this. If you're so anxious about them, why are you even considering leaving your child with them?

The lazy response "seek help".

No the truthful one. But hey carry on with your OTT anxiety, not my child's life you will ruin!

OP, my paediatric dentist also advised against sharing utensils with my little one or kissing on the lips as it causes cavities. I hadn’t heard of it before but a quick google suggests it’s a well known thing. I’m surprised at how many posters are piling on you for it.

Having your in laws lie to you and do things against your wishes is really difficult, particularly as they live so close. I hope you can find a way to communicate with them and that it improves.

repay the kind gift that your husbands family gave you to enable you to buy a home - you clearly don't like them, you shoul not have accepted it.

Get counselling to resolve your paranoia
If the counselling doesn't work, consider adoption - give your child the opportunity to grow up in a normal environment and not be infected with your batshit paranoia

This is why we are much more sensible here and have GP's and don't consult paediatricians unless baby is very unwell.

@turnthebiglightoff, almost every child in the US goes to the pediatrician for well child care - periodic checkups, shots - as well as ear infections, asthma, whatever else as the need arises.

It's not fussing, it's just how it's done in the US. Pediatrics is a popular specialty as it only takes a two year residency after medical school (as opposed to seven iirc for orthopedics and almost as long for a few other specialties). Family practice also takes two years, but some doctors prefer to specialise in child and teen healthcare.

My husband has had cold sores since childhood. I've been married to him for 25 years and haven't caught one yet. I realise babies' immune systems are still developing, but still, you need to calm down just a little. I'm sure you will x

Your baby is 10 months old. Does she not crawl around floors, grass and beaches, try to chew the cats tail, put random items in her mouth including her own hands and feet?

It sounds like they are not the only ones who are passive aggressive. 'I've never had an open dialogue with her or his family about it' - why not when you obviously feel so strongly about it? It sounds like you are happy to receive their downpayment and babysitting services with open arms but shut them off in every other respect. Maybe your MIL was afraid that you would cut off contact completely if you told her the truth? Subjective reality has profound influence on 'objective reality'. Do you realise how many people carry this virus but never have an outbreak? Are you planning on not allowing anyone near her until she leaves home? You sound incredibly immature.

Ok, the hyperbole in your responses is ludicrous.

All this talk about swapping spit, and spitting in oral cavity. Have you ever eaten using utensils, do they usually end up drenched in saliva?

I understand being annoyed that you caught your MiL in a lie, no one likes being lied to. I understand not wanting someone with an active cold sore to kiss a child on the mouth.

That's the point where I stop being able to understand your point of view. And honestly, based on your responses, I suspect your MIL lied because she couldn't think of any way to have a rational discussion with you and did t want to cause or be involved in more angst.

You sound like hard work OP.

Has your husband ever kissed your baby?

They shouldn't be kissing a newborn if they've got cold sores. But you can't police it forever. As long as they haven't got one at the time, kissing is fine. If you could infect someone everytime by kissing when you haven't got one at the time EVERYONE on the planet would be infected. If they do have one or feel one coming bring it up but if not just leave it, your baby will more than likely be fine. Hate to be the bearer of bad news but your child will more than likely become infected with face herpes at some point in their life. Probably from a partner or family member. A lot people have them, it isn't a big deal. Bit of discomfort for a few days and that's it. The utensils thing is a bit ott. Wait till your kids a toddler they put EVERYTHING in their mouth. You won't be able to keep on top of it. You don't be able to enjoy being a mum of you worry about silly things like this.

By the way, according to the World Health Organisation:
“In 2016, an estimated 3.7 billion people under the age of 50, or 67% of the population, had HSV-1 infection (oral or genital). Estimated prevalence of the infection was highest in Africa (88%) and lowest in the Americas (45%)“
Also,
“Oral herpes infection is mostly asymptomatic, and most people with HSV-1 infection are unaware they are infected”
So does that mean you’re never going to “swap saliva” as you call it, with your own child? Maybe you have it!

We have sold sores in my family. My sister was very clear, no kissing babies when we have active cold sores. We were very careful.

My mum and I used to put plasters over the cold sore incase we forgot.

The lying is odd - while your original post was a bit over the top and dramatic, it is reasonable to expect adults to be honest about what is an infectious condition and take precautions to ensure your child isn’t infected.

It can be dangerous when the baby is tiny, so why take the risk.

You need to call them out firmly when they lie.

But, you also need to relax. You appear very highly strung and it might be this your in laws are reacting to. They think you are hysterical and ridiculous. So calm down and have a conversation with them like reasonable adults,