Mother in law lied about getting coldsores HELP

[Natashabobasha1]

Hello everyone. When my child was 4 months old I issued a blanket rule to both my own family and my husband's:no kissing my baby!
She's now 10 months old.Now I'm prepared to let people kiss the top of her head. But NO FACE KISSES!

Note: I don't care if someone gets coldsores, I just dont want my child to get them from caregivers.

My husband's family has a tendency of getting cold sores...very rarely..BUT his sister is affected very regularly...severely! Almost every week in the winter, and every time I see them, I scheme and plot to hold my baby and NOT pass her around since I've never had an open dialogue with her or his family about it. I feel stressed, sweaty and shaky whenever she's around my baby with an outbreak because of this.

In order to keep myself from losing my mind, I've told everyone via whatsapp message and in person not to kiss my baby. Nobody has ever kissed my baby's mouth. Ever.

My husband's sister kissed her on the forehead and had a cold sore coming when she was 4 months old. I spotted the redness and when I gently questioned her, almost whispering "you aren't getting a cold sore, are you?"
She said "no...why??? " and then her hand shot up to her mouth and she jumped back..then sat down...it was obvious she'd just forgotten she was getting one at the time.... but my husband's family doesn't talk about a lot of things directly, so it's that much harder for me....
The last time I saw her, that very same redness had turned into a very big cold sore.

I have explained to his incredulous parents that saliva can get into a baby's mucous membranes with or without an outbreak.

My MIL(mother-in-law)said her husband doesn't get them. She flat out lied. He does get them. HE even said so during that very same conversation. Then, this week, i video chatted with her and SHE HAD ONE. It made me so angry. But I didn't confront her. I took screenshots of her face like a crazy person.

She has reluctantly agreed to our request, but seems like his parents had no idea (and still don't believe) that it was even contagious and they say it's from stress and not a virus.

They've obviously UNknowingly infected their own children when they were young, as their adult kids have had cold sores since childhood (my husband says so). I don't want them infecting my child out of ignorance.

When I explained that I don't share utensils or cups with my baby because I could transmit bacteria that causes cavities, MIL(mother-in-law)said "oh, but it doesn't hurt" ...I said..."yes, it can cause cavities" ...she seemed to shrug it off.

Now I'm so paranoid that she'll feed my baby with her utensils out of spite or something ..or that FIL(father-in-law)will infect my baby during an outbreak due to absent mindedness.

They are passive people...passive aggressive nowadays....and very stubborn. When my husband told his dad not to stop by unnanounced and look in all the windows, he came over that very day and peered in all the windows and stopped by anyway.

(We live 300 meters away from them and they helped with the down payment...)

They've never been problematic before my child was born, but since having her, my requesting a bit of space (calling before visiting and not having them babysit because I'm not ready to leave her) seems to offend them.

Me trying to educatethem.aboutthings falls on incredulous ears. The fact that my MIL(mother-in-law)lied to me about not getting coldsores makes me really question her credibility and now I feel like I can't trust her!!! I hate lies and I have been so hurt in the past by.people lying to me. Now, I carry resentment towardsthem.for making me feel uncomfortablein.myown home and angry that I can't trust them.

How should I handle this? Should I tell her how I feel? Should I confront her? I feel like quitting my job and not returning to work as projected in 4 months' time. They are my only babysitters.

I think you need help, OP.

You are as mad as a hatter and very unreasonable. You dont own your baby.

When was this please? Why have people been kissing your baby in current circumstances with covid and social distancing around.

I get cold sores, they were huge when young but as I got older the virus seemed less strong so no more giant ones though they are annoying. They were incredibly painful when I was young and absolutely awful for self esteem when a teenager. They are triggered by stress even if fun stress like a holiday and the sun.

People often end up in bizarre or difficult relationships when there has been a large gift of money from parents or they live close by.

I have also never understood the urge to kiss other people’s dc, I guess it’s some primitive bonding thing like monkeys grooming each other. however becuse I do get cold sores I am super cautious when it comes to kissing anyone so DH and DC do not have them. I keep my toothbrush and toothpaste separate from theirs and never share cutlery.

You are incredibly anxious, I suffer from anxiety so know that spiral. I hadn’t had a cold sore for years but have had three since lockdown.

I would advise you to seek counselling, be open with his parents, get your DH on board, pay for childcare, pay them back, move house.

Culturally the USA and UK are absolutely poles apart, Brits overall are far less direct.

Re cavities:

The bacteria (which is what you're talking about) can react with sugar left in the mouth to form cavities. But the issue is the sugar left in the mouth rather than the bacteria.

Seems like one study of four families suggested the bacteria could be passed on by caregivers, however the jury's out about the role of genetics in this.

Much more detrimental to health I'd imagine is the impact of an over wrought parent and tension within the family. Feels like some perspective and balance would be key here.

I am quite surprised that so few people are aware that dental cavities are caused by bacteria, one route to get bacteria is through sharing utensils with other people. Interestingly there is now some evidence that obesity can also be partly mediated by the gut bacteria- so you can catch it from your family though personally I blame chocolate .

I don't think that you are being unreasonable in not wanting your in laws to avoid kissing and sharing spoons, however you do come across as somewhat anxious.

I would not use them for childcare, I would pay someone as you will always be feeling uncomfortable about leaving your children with them and you don't want to be thinking about your child's safety whilst at work and it will sour the relationship both with the in laws and with your child who when slightly older will be told to not tell you things.

I would also consider investigating the anxiety as well, which might just be on these two issues or could be more wide reaching.

To be fair OP people are pretty ignorant about sharing utensils and the fact you can pass cavities to your child. This isn't something you have made up. I asked my MIL and DM not to do it and they said 'goodness I never knew that' and then didn't do it.

I'm not quite a precious now they both have discovered sugar, perhaps I'm wrong, but at least they clean their teeth properly now, where doing so on a young child is quite hard.

My DM has cold sores and NEVER kisses on the lips. She would NEVER go near my DD's with one. Neither my Dsis or I have coldsores.

To be fair OP people are pretty ignorant about sharing utensils and the fact you can pass cavities to your child

You CAN pass on bacteria. But you CANNOT pass on cavities. I'm a dentist.

Sorry, I think you're being a bit U with parts of your OP.

My husband suffers from coldsores but none of his family do. Our kids are 13, 10 and 8 and none have ever had one despite us being a very, very lip kissy, family. I've been with him for 16 years now and I too am coldsore free. DH just doesn't kiss any of us when he has one. However, I do agree that your DH's family are being unreasonable too. They don't seem to have common sense when it comes to catching coldsores. Coldsores are transmittable if they kiss the baby WHEN THEY HAVE ONE. When they don't, it's fine. That's herpes simplex 101. The basics.
I don't know if a blanket kissing ban is so completely unreasonable when they don't think coldsores is something you don't bloody want. Why would they want to give anyone that virus. If they have them themselves then they'll know they're both painful and unsightly.

Sharing cutlery though? Not really a big deal (unless the sharer has an active coldsore) The cavities thing is majorly OTT. We've shared cutlery with our kids plenty of times and while I have loads of fillings (shitty upbringing dental and food wise) my kids teeth are perfect. They eat plenty of sweets, are allowed fizzy pop within reason and are responsible for brushing their own teeth. Their teeth are beautiful and strong. Even though they've licked the same lollipops as me and eaten off my fork.

Interestingly faecal transplants from a thin person to an obese person can result in weight loss. Bit extreme though.

Honestly OP, I genuinely think you need to chill out a bit about this. You sound really, really obsessed. There are probably deeper anxieties underneath this?

I have similar rules at my house. I have a 7 year old and a 3 year old and still enforce the 'no sharing cups or cutlery' rule. I think it is disgusting.

It's a perfect way to get cold sores, glandular fever and other nasties and it's just not necessary to do it.

Kissing on the cheek I have no problems with but would certainly no kissing my kids anywhere with a cold sore. I do not allow lip kissing with the kids and I don't do it myself.

I think you are having a really strong reaction but also understand exactly why as no one is respecting the boundaries so you feel like it is totally up to you to never relax around these people and always be on guard. I get it because I was you with my husband's family. It gets easier as the kids get older.

Yanbu about the cold sores. That's a personal choice, and you have to make the best decision for you and your family.
Also you are overreacting about your ils. Yes she lied, and that's not okay. So you need to make that clear, but no point carrying it on. Just let it go and move on.
However everything else is quite frankly crazy. No harm whatsoever in sharing cups and untensils with your kid 😂

You sound deranged and to be honest I’m surprised your husbands still with you !

I think the reason why they weren’t problematic before your Dd was born is because you are the problem, not them. Give your in-laws a break you sound bloody bonkers.

You sound insane.

My partner of 30 years suffers from coldsores. I have never caught one from him despite kissing him directly on the mouth.

Ok to put your anxieties into context 90% of us have been infected at some point with Herpes Simplex type I only 1 in 10 will get cold sores.
When we have them we are infectious so definitely should be encouraged not to kiss anyone; let alone a baby and have scrupulous hygiene at these times.
When we are born we have no oral bacteria and we inherit bacteria from usually our parents. We then establish our oral flora. Your daughter will already have oral bacteria, she will likely already have Strep Mutans from you or your husband. Diet and good oral hygiene are more important than worrying about picking up bacteria from someone else.
A study did show canine bacteria from people that kiss their dogs if you want to add that into the mix.
I also think you seem to have very heightened anxiety about germs and viruses and would be sensible to look for help with this.

Agree we cold sores, after that you lost me! Think you definitely have some sort of anxiety

Oh wow. I didn’t read the full thread but I think you need to speak to someone about your anxiety. It’s spilling out of you quite ferociously.

I haven’t read all of the post but read most. I think you may have PPA - I have been there, had it terribly for the first 6 months and still have it now to a lesser degree. I was obsessive about Cold Sores too as I had read how dangerous they could be and I suffer from them myself - I think she was 3 days old when I got my first one as a parent and I was panicking. My SIL gets them and I was forever paranoid she would accidentally kiss her with a coldsore and wouldn’t be as careful as me. I said no kissing on face or mouth too when she was very small. Now I think the no kissing when under 6 months is sensible they’re so young and they’re immune systems under-developed. I think after that though it is futile my LO has been to a restaurant and literally licked a table, put toys in her mouth that other baby’s have probably had in their mouth and wants to try and kiss people herself. Your actions therefore are creating divides, are making you look irrational and will not result in a great environment for your child.

Please seek help now, I regret how much time I wasted worrying about every single thing and I was not as typically affectionate with my child as my husband is because I used to worry so much. I deeply regret that as I feel like my anxiety impeded my bonding time with her and I feel even now she lights up more when her father is in the room than when I am there as I am seen as the serious caregiver and he's the one who has fun with her.

You can’t have them as your childcare for your baby. Not because of anything they’ve done necessarily but because you don’t trust them. At all by the sound of it. It wouldn’t be fair on anyone.

As for the cold sore obsession, I sort of get it. I have a friend who’s baby was born a bit early and within days of coming home after the birth the baby was rushed back to hospital very ill from the cold sore virus. As in intensive care ill. A relative gave it to the baby unknowingly. Baby recovered and is now 3 and you wouldn’t know they’d ever been so ill. To be honest until I was told what happened to the baby I didn’t know the virus could be so serious.

People on here are being disgustingly rude to you, cold sores are disgusting, I'm sorry but they are, herpes on your face which you've caught off of someone else and now have to live with forever, not something I'd want given to my baby recklessly, you've even said your in laws have said they don't see it as a virus, just something that happens when you're stressed so I can see why you'd be so worried about it. There's not much you can do other than telling them no kissing and actually calling them out like you did with the sister as she was kissing the baby with a growing cold sore.

It's your baby and people should respect you rules, if you don't want people sharing cutlery then they should respect your wishes, but everyone thinks they know better about other people's children I guess.

Your main issue was your MIL lying - does your husband struggle with the truth? If not, what is his take?

If it is flat out habitual lying then it is what it is, there is not much you can do about it and you simply have to adapt your relationship taking that into consideration - not end the relationship obviously, though you might want to re-think childcare. If they do not generally have problems with honesty it might be a perception thing.

I was as precious as you are with my dc, if someone smoked I would get them to change their top before they held my baby... I would apologise for my madness and ask them if they would please humour me and put it down to hormones though inside I was convinced I was in the right and they were insane to think they could hold my baby without a clean shirt on... I think the posters on here commenting on your anxiety are right, but at the same time, just as you accept your ILs as coldsore disease ridden liars, accept and embrace yourself as overanxious and try to moderate it if you can, but generally see it all as part of the rich tapestry of life.

One semi serious warning is that in my experience, habitual lying and the underlying problems which causes it can be passed on to children just as coldsores can, so I hope for your sake it isn't that, or that your DH has managed to grow up free from it.

I feel like quitting my job and not returning to work as projected in 4 months' time. They are my only babysitters.

If they are your only babysitter's presumably this means you can't afford childcare, which implies that thinking of quitting your job over this is ridiculously disproportionate.