Mother in law lied about getting coldsores HELP

[Natashabobasha1]

Hello everyone. When my child was 4 months old I issued a blanket rule to both my own family and my husband's:no kissing my baby!
She's now 10 months old.Now I'm prepared to let people kiss the top of her head. But NO FACE KISSES!

Note: I don't care if someone gets coldsores, I just dont want my child to get them from caregivers.

My husband's family has a tendency of getting cold sores...very rarely..BUT his sister is affected very regularly...severely! Almost every week in the winter, and every time I see them, I scheme and plot to hold my baby and NOT pass her around since I've never had an open dialogue with her or his family about it. I feel stressed, sweaty and shaky whenever she's around my baby with an outbreak because of this.

In order to keep myself from losing my mind, I've told everyone via whatsapp message and in person not to kiss my baby. Nobody has ever kissed my baby's mouth. Ever.

My husband's sister kissed her on the forehead and had a cold sore coming when she was 4 months old. I spotted the redness and when I gently questioned her, almost whispering "you aren't getting a cold sore, are you?"
She said "no...why??? " and then her hand shot up to her mouth and she jumped back..then sat down...it was obvious she'd just forgotten she was getting one at the time.... but my husband's family doesn't talk about a lot of things directly, so it's that much harder for me....
The last time I saw her, that very same redness had turned into a very big cold sore.

I have explained to his incredulous parents that saliva can get into a baby's mucous membranes with or without an outbreak.

My MIL(mother-in-law)said her husband doesn't get them. She flat out lied. He does get them. HE even said so during that very same conversation. Then, this week, i video chatted with her and SHE HAD ONE. It made me so angry. But I didn't confront her. I took screenshots of her face like a crazy person.

She has reluctantly agreed to our request, but seems like his parents had no idea (and still don't believe) that it was even contagious and they say it's from stress and not a virus.

They've obviously UNknowingly infected their own children when they were young, as their adult kids have had cold sores since childhood (my husband says so). I don't want them infecting my child out of ignorance.

When I explained that I don't share utensils or cups with my baby because I could transmit bacteria that causes cavities, MIL(mother-in-law)said "oh, but it doesn't hurt" ...I said..."yes, it can cause cavities" ...she seemed to shrug it off.

Now I'm so paranoid that she'll feed my baby with her utensils out of spite or something ..or that FIL(father-in-law)will infect my baby during an outbreak due to absent mindedness.

They are passive people...passive aggressive nowadays....and very stubborn. When my husband told his dad not to stop by unnanounced and look in all the windows, he came over that very day and peered in all the windows and stopped by anyway.

(We live 300 meters away from them and they helped with the down payment...)

They've never been problematic before my child was born, but since having her, my requesting a bit of space (calling before visiting and not having them babysit because I'm not ready to leave her) seems to offend them.

Me trying to educatethem.aboutthings falls on incredulous ears. The fact that my MIL(mother-in-law)lied to me about not getting coldsores makes me really question her credibility and now I feel like I can't trust her!!! I hate lies and I have been so hurt in the past by.people lying to me. Now, I carry resentment towardsthem.for making me feel uncomfortablein.myown home and angry that I can't trust them.

How should I handle this? Should I tell her how I feel? Should I confront her? I feel like quitting my job and not returning to work as projected in 4 months' time. They are my only babysitters.

Someone also said.

My daughter swallowed a 5p! My friends kid drank washing liquid!

Kids put all sorts in their mouths! This is your first child right?

I can't believe you are saying the people who disagree with you must of give a child herpes!!!!!!

Oh my.

Oh come on op

Definitely whack your child into daycare instead. There, they kiss one another, slobber in one another, out fingers in other little mouths, eyes etc. So any cold sore or dental germs are going to do the rounds. I’m not against daycare, I used it myself but these are the realities.

My family would kiss my kids, just not on the lips, and not when she had a cold sore. There was only myself and father who didn’t suffer from cold sores, everyone else got them. Im sure I’m infected though, and I kissed my kids as babies, toddlers and kids, just not on the lips. None of my kids (now adults) have ever had a cold sore so I’m guessing they take after myself although DH hadn’t either so they just got lucky with genetics really.

I’ve never been strict about oral hygiene within our own family in regards to sharing food, utensils, drink bottles etc. None of mine have been struck down by cavities yet, not one filling for any of them and god knows they don’t look after their teeth.

You sound over anxious and in need of counselling ASAP.

I get cold sores thanks to parents and older siblings being blasé about it has affected my self esteem and I’m paranoid about passing it on, especially to kids. I actually read the OP and thought “this is familiar”... I don’t know, maybe it helps if you know people like that. Cold sores are incredibly common, it doesn’t make it alright to be relaxed about passing it on :( it shows a lack of respect of someone else’s health and boundaries. I’d rather my mum had OP’s attitude

Signed.... a person who got this as a very young kid, thanks to reckless family members

Also yes kids will pass it on by accident but adults (parents and care workers) should know better :(

I wrote an identical thread on the US site and people were calling for the death of my inlaws...

Bit of an over reaction..........

@AryaStarkWolf

Well that's the Americans for you.

Your post made me lols! Making my kids jump.

I lived in America for a while. Their health anxiety and issues. Bad. The British. We just get the fuck on with most shite. Have a cold. Take medicines. The Americans have a cold. IV infusions. They can buy oxygen in a tank. I mean. Who the hell does that? While different cultures regarding health. As someone stated. Because it's a mainly private system. People know everything.

However asking for the death of your in-laws. Even in this country. Would end in a police report!

I had anxiety about coldsores. I don’t get them, DH does very infrequently (2 in over a decade), DM doesn’t, DD, DSis and DB do ...

Do you know where my daughter got one? Nursery at 12 months old. She now gets one a couple of times per year. The baby has managed to avoid getting one - so far.

D’you know what? The anxiety was worse than the reality. Obviously, I don’t want the baby to get them until he’s at least a year due to the risks and, ideally, he’d never get them but the odds aren’t stacked in his favour. I’ve made my peace with it now.

Peridotty I’d rather pay attention to Ian Dunn. He quite rightly points out that doing BPE or 6 point pocket charts does not spread the number of infected sites despite the probe being contaminated

Chill out, you're going to make yourself Ill. I get your point about coldsores, I suffer from them myself and it's not pleasant. Bacteria and cavities though? What are you on about

the US is a very different place, with different ideas - a different country. Blemishes/appearance are a much bigger deal there - chicken pox, cold sores, bad teeth etc, whereas they're barely noticed here
Actually, I wouldn't say this is US vs UK, I'm from France and am still amazed at how bad teeth and cold sores are commonly seen in the UK.

OP, I'm one of the few who voted YANBU. Yes, you sound over the top, and the no sharing utensils is not really practical, however you are right on paper, we wouldn't appreciate being given the same spoon that someone else just licked, why is it ok to do it to a baby? I'm not sure about the dental hygiene TBH but I haven't looked into it.

Regarding the cold sores, there is the attitude that 'most people have the virus without knowing so who cares', most of the times coming from people who know they have it. I just don't understand it. I have even read about people saying you shouldn't have to disclose cold sores to a new partner - who cares if they get them, just because there is a chance they already have the virus and just don't know about it.
I would be horrified if someone with a cold sore kissed my baby!

You sound extremely paranoid. Do you have health anxiety?

When I explained that I don't share utensils or cups with my baby because I could transmit bacteria that causes cavities, MIL(mother-in-law)said "oh, but it doesn't hurt" ...I said..."yes, it can cause cavities

What an over reaction

I wrote an identical thread on the US site and people were calling for the death of my inlaws

Wtf!!! And I thought you over reacted. Thats pathetic

Oh my goodness you banned your child’s grandparents from kissing her? Only permit them to kiss the top of her head?

You are unreasonable and precious and ridiculous.

I have herpes, have 3 children who have never contracted it neither has my husband.
I have dental cavities, my now adult children do not.
Try not to worry too much, you come across as overly anxious and a bit unreasonable

Not kissing because of cold sores is logical to me, them not being allowed to hold her is going to far. Of course there is such a thing as virus shed, but I think you have too much anxiety around that.

As for sharing cutlery that someone else has licked, I think I was vaguely aware that was not a good idea for teeth, but surely no one wants to do that anymore since COVID? Rather than mention cavities, just mention the risk of infection from Covid or anything else. Perhaps they could understand that better. I don't think you are being too unreasonable really, sharing cutlery or cups is gross, and I certainly don't do it in real life. But you do sound a little over engaged in these topics, perhaps you need to back off a bit.

I get cold sores. I kissed my babies and my DH and we share cutlery. None of them get cold sores.

I can't understand most of the posters on this thréad. Nobody should be kissing other people's children on the face at all, it's weird and there is abseloutley no need for it. You wouldn't walk up to an adult and just kiss their face without asking, so don't do it to children regardless of your relation to them. The op has every right to ask people not to put their dirty lips on her daughter? She's her mother, and until the child is old enough to decide for herself, what her parents say goes. End of story.

The cutlery thing.. Like yeah, you did come across a bit over the top, but I actually mostly agree. Regardless of wether the cavity thing is true or not, it's disgusting to slobber all over a fork and then put it in someone else's mouth.. I certainly wouldn't like someone feeding me with cutlery they've been eating off. I actually feel a bit sick even thinking about it.

The fact that so many on this thread can't grasp the fact that children are individuals in their own right and don't need you putting your mouths all over them worries me. Also, if the parent of a child tells you not to do something to their child, then you don't do it. You are not their parent, you don't get to decide what's best for them.

what will you do when she’s a teenager?!

You really need to calm down.

I’ve never had a cold sore

Maybe the way you behave is the reason she felt that she had to LIE in order to have any sort of contact with her grandchild because her daughter in law thinks she, along with her whole family are nasty diseased humans?

@Natashabobasha1 I totally understsnd where you are coming and YNBU! I also worried about this when my children were babies. I remember the midwife explaining to me with my first born about never letting visitors kiss a newborn baby anywhere near their mouth because even if they haven't got an active coldsore they can still transmit the virus which is extremely dangerous with links to menigitis etc. I was grateful for this info as I wa unaware of the dangers. Just explain your concerns to your MIL and maybe even print off some info for her to read so that she knows you're not trying to be difficult. As your baby gets older the risk thankfullg reduces.

Great responses by all! If I sound unhinged, I guess it's because I was trying to respond to everyone? Some people are picking my choice of words apart and offended by my direct approach on this...

Whether I use "exchanging saliva" or "swapping spit" or "sharing dirty cutlery"...It's all the same. If you were offended, ask yourself why. Maybe you feel judged...

I used to have a great relationship with ILs. Then I started asserting myself "could you please call before you come over?" And then in the one and only time I tried to tell them (gently) of the risks of herpes on an infant and they were like "no. They arent contagious" , I said "NO kissing at all" to protect the baby. I was very firm with them, because they were lying and dismissive as soon as I broached the subject so I had to shut it down. My infant's health comes before other people's feelings.

I don't think I'm health anxious... I have anxieties of a FTM that became heightened after denials of reality...

I now think kissing is fine at 10 months, but not on the face or hands (transfers saliva to mouth), esp to people so in denial. It's just too close to mucous membranes....

I kiss her near the back of her ears and neck and head. I am extravagantly affectionate to her. Maybe I have the virus too! Who knows! My husband kisses her too. But I've asked him to avoid leaving saliva on her...seriously...he enjoys leaving big slobbery wet marks on her. He's stopped that. But he still kisses her, though....and he is in no denial of the risks to her health. He just doesn't kiss us if he feels the tingle of a coldsore.

I think it's a triggering post because there's contagion, money, trust issues and American vs British politics wrapped up in this. Ha! For the record: I'm anti gun and anti racist, pro choice, pro universal health care and I hate trump. I love liberal politics.

I'm not trolling at all.

If I sounded aggressive it was just in response to people swearing at me.

I'm not against coldsore sufferers. I married a man with it.

I'm capable of paying for childcare. My house is 100% paid off. We are debt free
This is not a money issue. I can afford staying home. I'd rather give my child to my MIL because they'd both benefit from the relationship. My post was addressing the lack of trust I now have for ILs....I shouldn't have outlined it all in detail, because people got pissed and felt judged about contagion.

A lot of people are so wrapped up in babies and their cuteness and won't restrain themselves with affection .... even if it's unwanted affection or attention. But...babies aren't pets...and they are not posessions...

I parent from the standpoint: " If I were my baby, what would I want my mother to do in this moment?" I try to be an aware mother.. I'm nowhere near perfect....but I try to tap into that every action I take with her. I regard her as an individual and I respect her. She is precious to me, so I think my 3 rules: 1) strap my kid into a car seat / 2) no face kisses/ 3) no sharing dirty cutlery are warranted...

When she's older, she'll do what she likes! But right now, she's a voiceless and defenceless infant. I'll try to protect her if and when I can.

I don't think people are BAD for sharing forks with their kids they've just licked. I used to with my own grandparents and parents.... But when we have new information, we can make better decisions, right?

If someone has an active coldsore and willingly passes it on to their child, that's just plain abuse....sorry....don't transmit that to defenceless beings.

If someone has the virus and no coldsore, kiss all you want, I guess? Just be mindful...

Just know that your children are on loan to you.

Parent how you want, but keep your child at the forefront.

Be happy. Stay healthy. I'll take all the negativity and positivity from this post into.consideration. bye everyone! Thank you!

Post covid, I think we'll all have different attitudes to kissing, close contact etc. Why do they feel the need to kiss your child anyway, use covid 19 as an obvious reason why they shouldn't kiss her and basically keep the no kissing mantra up.

...Well that was a long winded flounce