Mother in law lied about getting coldsores HELP

[Natashabobasha1]

Hello everyone. When my child was 4 months old I issued a blanket rule to both my own family and my husband's:no kissing my baby!
She's now 10 months old.Now I'm prepared to let people kiss the top of her head. But NO FACE KISSES!

Note: I don't care if someone gets coldsores, I just dont want my child to get them from caregivers.

My husband's family has a tendency of getting cold sores...very rarely..BUT his sister is affected very regularly...severely! Almost every week in the winter, and every time I see them, I scheme and plot to hold my baby and NOT pass her around since I've never had an open dialogue with her or his family about it. I feel stressed, sweaty and shaky whenever she's around my baby with an outbreak because of this.

In order to keep myself from losing my mind, I've told everyone via whatsapp message and in person not to kiss my baby. Nobody has ever kissed my baby's mouth. Ever.

My husband's sister kissed her on the forehead and had a cold sore coming when she was 4 months old. I spotted the redness and when I gently questioned her, almost whispering "you aren't getting a cold sore, are you?"
She said "no...why??? " and then her hand shot up to her mouth and she jumped back..then sat down...it was obvious she'd just forgotten she was getting one at the time.... but my husband's family doesn't talk about a lot of things directly, so it's that much harder for me....
The last time I saw her, that very same redness had turned into a very big cold sore.

I have explained to his incredulous parents that saliva can get into a baby's mucous membranes with or without an outbreak.

My MIL(mother-in-law)said her husband doesn't get them. She flat out lied. He does get them. HE even said so during that very same conversation. Then, this week, i video chatted with her and SHE HAD ONE. It made me so angry. But I didn't confront her. I took screenshots of her face like a crazy person.

She has reluctantly agreed to our request, but seems like his parents had no idea (and still don't believe) that it was even contagious and they say it's from stress and not a virus.

They've obviously UNknowingly infected their own children when they were young, as their adult kids have had cold sores since childhood (my husband says so). I don't want them infecting my child out of ignorance.

When I explained that I don't share utensils or cups with my baby because I could transmit bacteria that causes cavities, MIL(mother-in-law)said "oh, but it doesn't hurt" ...I said..."yes, it can cause cavities" ...she seemed to shrug it off.

Now I'm so paranoid that she'll feed my baby with her utensils out of spite or something ..or that FIL(father-in-law)will infect my baby during an outbreak due to absent mindedness.

They are passive people...passive aggressive nowadays....and very stubborn. When my husband told his dad not to stop by unnanounced and look in all the windows, he came over that very day and peered in all the windows and stopped by anyway.

(We live 300 meters away from them and they helped with the down payment...)

They've never been problematic before my child was born, but since having her, my requesting a bit of space (calling before visiting and not having them babysit because I'm not ready to leave her) seems to offend them.

Me trying to educatethem.aboutthings falls on incredulous ears. The fact that my MIL(mother-in-law)lied to me about not getting coldsores makes me really question her credibility and now I feel like I can't trust her!!! I hate lies and I have been so hurt in the past by.people lying to me. Now, I carry resentment towardsthem.for making me feel uncomfortablein.myown home and angry that I can't trust them.

How should I handle this? Should I tell her how I feel? Should I confront her? I feel like quitting my job and not returning to work as projected in 4 months' time. They are my only babysitters.

I’m a granny and I’ve never kissed my DGC on the lips. I have never had a cold sore but sometimes you can be getting ill and have no symptoms. I kiss their cheeks and necks but not lips. I don’t share utensils with them either but they share with each other and their parents. I absolutely would not want to feel I couldn’t trust someone who was looking after my child not to kiss them with an active cold sore. I just don’t know why anyone would think that’s ok.

The thing is as soon as your little one starts any sort of mixing with other children they will be up close and person licking each other’s toys, sneezing and hacking in each other’s faces, picking their little noses etc. The only reassurance I can give is that my DC haven’t ever had a cold sore or a filling and so far neither have my DGC. You can only control these restrictions while they’re not in any childcare setting but they’re fair game once they mix with others. It would be far more detrimental for a small child not to mix with other kids though on the basis they might get herpes.

When I explained that I don't share utensils or cups with my baby because I could transmit bacteria that causes cavities, MIL(mother-in-law)said "oh, but it doesn't hurt" ...I said..."yes, it can cause cavities"

(ex dental nurse) - that's NOT how cavities happen.

I agree with you re the coldsores, and that they should not share utensils/cups without them being washed in between use, but cavities do not start by sharing utensils, washed or not.

Can we clear up the untensil sharing because i'm finding that weird. What are we actually sharing here? are we eating from one plate with one set of cutlery for a whole famly at a mealtime? or are we talking feeding a baby off a spoon that has been in your mouth too? what is the actual problem?

Sharing cutlery in one meal sounds icky to me - but using family cutler that is either washed or goes through a dishwasher sounds fine to me.

i'm also a bit weirded out by all these people kissing babies/children on the lips. But maybe that's just me.

I’m surprised you’ve been happy to irradiate your baby when you are so paranoid about utensils.
As yet another dentist on this thread, gum disease and dental decay are not spread like that.

It’s difficult I’m Nigerian originally and we don’t kiss babies on their lips and don’t allow anyone to. We however always shared utensils .Up to age 1 we sterilised everything with good old fashioned Milton don’t know whether anyone still uses that . My kids have no cavities I think my son may have had one but he had a milk allergy till age 7 so calcium issues . I will say with the in-laws pick your battles I get it’s a trust think I get it . Just be careful with them as a parent you do want to protect you kids . @Natashabobasha1

I'm with you on the cold sores thing. I would be worried too. Babies have and can die from the herpes virus.

Plus who wants their kid to suffer with an unnecessary virus. Yes they kiss each other and all sorts at nursery/school but knowing that an adult has an active cold sore YANBU to tell them not to.

I don't care about a kiss on the cheek/face from relatives but my FIL keeps going to kiss my dc on the lips and that grosses me out.

But I would set some firm boundaries regarding their not respecting your privacy and just calling before arriving. Can you move? 300 metres away from relatives sounds far too close.

How old is baby now?

Me and my DM get coldsores, me from a young age, none of my 3 DB do, neither did my DD, neither does my DH or me 2 DS.

I don't share cups or utensils with my DS anyway, so why would I do it with a coldsore.

You really need to seek help.

Call your Mil and Fil out on their lie, not much else you can do, the trust is broken.

Yes they shouldn't kiss with cold sores but you sound like you're frothing at the mouth and twitching when they approach your child.

Calm down and just sit them down for a conversation about why you don't want kissing or utensil sharing. Maybe print off some peer reviewed info for them to read.

And stop attacking everyone who doesn't agree with you - makes you look neurotic.

And, before you say it, I have never had a cold sore in my life, funnily enough I've never had a cavity either.

I think you need to accept they were not lying.

You noticed something because you are clearly obsessed with it and then she went ok maybe I do have one.

Its not such a big deal in the UK I dont think so we dont pay much attention to it and as such dont notice when we do.

Dentistry is very different as well over here - the UK would never take out childrens teeth in the same way.

What you see as lying I think is just them seeing things differently.

Have rules - that is fine and they should be sticking to them but dont blow it up into an anxiety fuelled issue

Very neurotic opening post. I stopped reading half way.

I'll hold my hands up and say I haven't RTFT (just don't have the time right now) but the 'cold sore' thing made me take notice.

People can be a bit 'meh' about cold sores, there's not doubt about it. I got my cold sore from a boyfriend when I was 19 who didn't care, and now I get them in the same place on my lip (when I get them).

It wasn't usually an issue.. except just after I had my DC and (without realising I was starting one at the time, and as my GP said my natural defences were down because I'd only given birth 5 weeks ago) I transferred the cold sore virus from my lip, to my finger and into my eye.

It's over 20 years' ago now, but I can still remember the pain. I'd rather give birth again without pain relief (as I did with my DC) several times over than go through the pain of a cold sore ulcer in my eye again. The scarring, even now, covers 1/6 of my visible eye/iris/cornea and it's monitored 2 x a year (used to be 6 x a year).

So I'm a bit paranoid about cold sores. At the slightest twinge I slap on a Compeed cold sore patch. I've never kissed my children when I'm 'active', much less engaged in sexual activity with my DH.

I'm going to have to live with the effects of my eye ulcer for the rest of my life. I've learned to live with it, and I have routines that have (so far, touch wood) ensured I've never had a repeat since the initial activity in my eye. But the danger is ALWAYS there. Sunlight can set it off, so I wear sunglasses all year round. Mostly because the ulcer left me with lifelong photo-sensitivity, but also because I don't want to trigger a repeat. If that happens, I'll have to go straight to hospital.

So I can understand the OP's worries. It can get out of hand. But also, the risks can be mitigated quite easily, as I've found.

I have never had a coldsore, also don't like kissing babies on the lips and would not be ok with relatives doing it.

However, you sound really worryingly stuck on this. She likely didn't know. If she's a loving enough grandmother that you could consider her as a babysitter, then she would not do anything to harm your child just to hurt you, like sharing cutlery 'oht of spite'.

Unless there's a lot more backstory to this, I would say go back to work, it's a recession and jobs are scarce, and maybe have a chat with your HV or GP to put your mind at rest and maybe raise how anxious you are feeling about all this.

My Mum was very careful to not pass on her cold sores to us, I am very grateful!!

I would just keep educating them about the cold sores they clearly don't seem to even realise that they have the virus forever and only flares up as a cold sore when stressed etc

I would joke a bit with them "I know you think I'm crazy but if a young child catches herpes as well as having it for the rest of their life the initial attack can be really really brutal"

Oh dear OP, I've got some bad news for you. Your husband has the virus. You've kissed him... you now have the virus. Just because you haven't had an outbreak (yet), it will be inside your body. You would test positive for it with a blood test.

As a dentist and a specialist in Periodontology (gum disease) with a masters in oral science I know that you can increase the risk of gum disease and cavities in your baby by sharing utensils. I know there are other factors like oral hygiene, fluoride, diet etc but experiments have shown that without the bacteria you would not get the disease.
But by the time the baby is about a year old it’s highly likely that they will have the bacteria anyway!
www.google.co.uk/amp/s/www.dentistry.co.uk/2015/07/31/warning-mothers-sharing-spoons-toddlers/amp/

The other thing is, if your partner has gum disease and you kiss them you can give yourself the bacteria that can cause gum disease too.

It's really difficult because of the anxiety that you are feeling about risk to your baby - and I get that.

However, the way you are behaving towards your husband's family over this is hurtful and shaming. It would be almost impossible to be on the receiving end without feeling dirty, blamed and rejected. It is possible that they also, having had their children at at time when there was much less awareness of cold sores as a risk, think you are being overprotective and/or irrational about it. Your worry about this is already making you hypervigilant and it's likely that the relationship already feels edgy - being suspicious about 'lying' and 'spite' introduces even more bad feeling.

Be very careful not to drive a wedge between your husband and his loving family. It would be utterly unkind to do this.

@Juno231 what has me cracking up is how thick you must be. The OP doesn't have an issue with people sharing cutlery that has come out of the drawer after being washed.... she, like me, has an issue with people eating off cutlery and in the same meal letting the child eat off the same dirty cutlery.

I don't see how so many people, like yourself, managed to not see that.

I'm a sufferer of cold sores. Have been most of my life as is my father.

When I have an outbreak, aside from my grandchildren, I always use my own utensils and ensure that my DH, DGC don't use my stuff. It is basic hygiene methods.

I think you've made relevant points re cold sores. But the rest of your post is OTT.

Holy poop.

With good mouth hygiene. And as long as YOU make sure the baby lee crushing its teeth. Toddler etc. Then there would be no worries from cavities from sharing utensils. For that to happen. It would have to be constantly. I wouldn't worry about that

Cold sore wise. I understand that. However. YOU are choosing to leave your child with them.

So even if you are worried. YOU have the choice. You're worried they'll do it when you're at work. So find someone else. A proper nanny or whatever.

However. You do need to see someone about the anxiety that you feel around the issues.

Americans would answer differently

It's a whole different culture. Country!

Yanbu about the cold sores while baby is small - when it’s a little older family should be allowed to kiss if they don’t have active cold sores - generally don’t think kissing should be on the mouth. Unfortunately you are being ridiculous about the cavities. Do you have health related anxiety? Would like to hear your views on step throat- I’d never really heard of it until I lived in the US where it was a source of great concern

Now ask my friend Dora. Who runs a school in Africa your question

I bet she would give you a completely different answer too!

Firstborn, I take it op?

Also. I never shared utensils with my child?!? They had their own spoons etc. They didn't drink from my cup?

Now however. I can't stop them. Ha. They both have the most incredibly health teeth and gums! The dentist told me so.