Mother in law lied about getting coldsores HELP

[Natashabobasha1]

Hello everyone. When my child was 4 months old I issued a blanket rule to both my own family and my husband's:no kissing my baby!
She's now 10 months old.Now I'm prepared to let people kiss the top of her head. But NO FACE KISSES!

Note: I don't care if someone gets coldsores, I just dont want my child to get them from caregivers.

My husband's family has a tendency of getting cold sores...very rarely..BUT his sister is affected very regularly...severely! Almost every week in the winter, and every time I see them, I scheme and plot to hold my baby and NOT pass her around since I've never had an open dialogue with her or his family about it. I feel stressed, sweaty and shaky whenever she's around my baby with an outbreak because of this.

In order to keep myself from losing my mind, I've told everyone via whatsapp message and in person not to kiss my baby. Nobody has ever kissed my baby's mouth. Ever.

My husband's sister kissed her on the forehead and had a cold sore coming when she was 4 months old. I spotted the redness and when I gently questioned her, almost whispering "you aren't getting a cold sore, are you?"
She said "no...why??? " and then her hand shot up to her mouth and she jumped back..then sat down...it was obvious she'd just forgotten she was getting one at the time.... but my husband's family doesn't talk about a lot of things directly, so it's that much harder for me....
The last time I saw her, that very same redness had turned into a very big cold sore.

I have explained to his incredulous parents that saliva can get into a baby's mucous membranes with or without an outbreak.

My MIL(mother-in-law)said her husband doesn't get them. She flat out lied. He does get them. HE even said so during that very same conversation. Then, this week, i video chatted with her and SHE HAD ONE. It made me so angry. But I didn't confront her. I took screenshots of her face like a crazy person.

She has reluctantly agreed to our request, but seems like his parents had no idea (and still don't believe) that it was even contagious and they say it's from stress and not a virus.

They've obviously UNknowingly infected their own children when they were young, as their adult kids have had cold sores since childhood (my husband says so). I don't want them infecting my child out of ignorance.

When I explained that I don't share utensils or cups with my baby because I could transmit bacteria that causes cavities, MIL(mother-in-law)said "oh, but it doesn't hurt" ...I said..."yes, it can cause cavities" ...she seemed to shrug it off.

Now I'm so paranoid that she'll feed my baby with her utensils out of spite or something ..or that FIL(father-in-law)will infect my baby during an outbreak due to absent mindedness.

They are passive people...passive aggressive nowadays....and very stubborn. When my husband told his dad not to stop by unnanounced and look in all the windows, he came over that very day and peered in all the windows and stopped by anyway.

(We live 300 meters away from them and they helped with the down payment...)

They've never been problematic before my child was born, but since having her, my requesting a bit of space (calling before visiting and not having them babysit because I'm not ready to leave her) seems to offend them.

Me trying to educatethem.aboutthings falls on incredulous ears. The fact that my MIL(mother-in-law)lied to me about not getting coldsores makes me really question her credibility and now I feel like I can't trust her!!! I hate lies and I have been so hurt in the past by.people lying to me. Now, I carry resentment towardsthem.for making me feel uncomfortablein.myown home and angry that I can't trust them.

How should I handle this? Should I tell her how I feel? Should I confront her? I feel like quitting my job and not returning to work as projected in 4 months' time. They are my only babysitters.

OP you are incredibly rude and unwilling to listen to anyones opinion if it differs from yours which begs the question why start a thread asking for advice if you are so sure that you are correct?
Obviously anyone who disagrees with you must be carrying herpes, or only disagrees with you because they are not American, or think it is ok to pass on viruses and cause dental issues in their children? You clearly have an incredibly low opinion of anybody who dares think differently from you - possibly the reason your in laws feel the need to lie to you as you completley over-react to things judging by this thread.

Cold sores are obviously very, very dangerous and I don't think anyone besides parents should kiss young babies on the lips; but apart from that the sharing of utensils is not a huge risk and good dental hygiene in other areas will help prevent damage.

A quick google of the US population with herpes shows that around half the population has type 1 and about 15% has type two. It’s rare to have both types so that means that almost 3/4 of the population have HSV. Whilst you don’t want your child to get it early there will be a good chance they will be exposed to it later. There’s also some evidence to say some exposure can make people immune or at least an asymptomatic carrier. I think you sound really over the top about your in laws and it sounds to me as if you just don’t like them.

The cutlery thing has me cracking up! I was okay with the cold sore concerns until I got to that part, and now am thinking they're probably lying cause you're so high strung and difficult to be around?

As for what to do, stand your ground, maintain boundaries and enforce them by applying consequences. Every time they overstep a clearly laid out boundary they're in time out for 2 weeks or whatever and can't see LO. If you feel you can't trust them at all then don't leave LO with them at all, simples :)

This is not normal behaviour or parenting. It is obsessive. Childhood is full of risk. This is a very minor one. How will you cope with a serious illness or accident or just normal nursery infections like impetigo? Will you blame everyone? Dont ruin family relationships over cold sores. You can ask people not to kiss your baby. Shaming, embarrassing and policing them is not ok.

Wow. I have four kids, we all use each others utensils. No tooth decay so far.

I can understand not wanting anyone with an active cold sore kissing anyone baby or not, but the rest seems really over the top.

I agree having a really anxious mother can be more damaging than having a filling!

Wait until you have your second, OP. In fact, by the third you won't care if the dog washes its face with its tongue.

@Natashabobasha1 you need to do what you think is right for your baby.

There are people who will agree with you, and people who will disagree.

You already know what you want to do, so go and do it. You don't need anyone's permission here.

Cold Sores are horrible - someone passed it on to me about 4 years ago and I was sick as a dog.

However, you sound like a nightmare!

Hi OP,
I haven’t RTFT but judging by first few posters, I’ll be in minority.
I’ve DC who got herpes virus from idiot relative who visited with active glorious cold sore when she was a baby. If only I could the time back!
She’s under consultant now as outbreaks are very severe and frequent.
I think you are absolutely right to be concerned - general public is way too relaxed and ignorant about cold sores. I’d speak to MIL and limit winter visits to the minimum.

The only bit in here that makes sense is when you called yourself a crazy person.
Seriously, calm down. You’ll make yourself ill behaving like this

Your being over the top, is this your first child?

It’s perfectly fine to be over the top with your first child, I was!

Grandparents should understand that whilst you are going over the top, most first time parents do, they probably did, but have just forgotton.

If you want to protect your child, don’t feel guilty about it, just tell them no.

However when/if you have your second or 3rd child...or when your children have children you will look back at this and feel a bit dramatic, but so what, most first time parents do it!

You sound mildly unhinged

I get cold sores when stressed, caught them off a bit when I was a teenager. Both my children are fine, I avoid kissing them on mouth when I have a breakout. I have read about it and actually a lot of people have got the herpes simplex virus in their system but it only shows up for an unlucky percentage of us so OP you may well carry the virus yourself and not know it.

OP, lying is a huge NO NO. They do sound passive aggressive. People must follow your rules around your baby. If you don’t trust them then you need to really sit them down and explain to them how you want your baby cared for to keep him/her safe. If they don’t comply then with the support of your DH you will need to tell them they can’t be involved until he/she is a bit older. It sounds hard but your baby’s health comes first. I have suffered from cold sores all my life. They are a pain in the ar$e. My mum admitted that when she had me at age 17, they knew nothing about what cold sores were or how they were passed on, so she kissed all of us regardless of whether she had them or not. I don’t blame her. She didn’t know. My brother and I suffer badly but my sister has never had one. You are the child’s mother, it’s your decision. People must respect that even if they think you are wrong.

Have you seen a doctor about your anxiety?

I'm American. I think the writing style sounds insane to people on mumsnet. I wrote an identical thread on the US site and people were calling for the death of my inlaws...

That's because (in my opinion and having an American boss, an American 'mummy' friend & another American friend) female Americans can be a tad more....precious.

You do need to calm the fuck down though, you're pretty much going to ruin your relationship with your inlaws and when she goes to nursery she'll be licking other kids shit, I promise you.

You say its about dishonesty and trust, not herpes.

Leaving herpes aside, you are the role model for your childs future relationships with other people and the rest of the world. If you model rigidity, mistrust, suspicion, paranoia that's what she will copy.

@Natashabobasha1
I don’t think you’re being crazy! I am a dentist and I had a baby two weeks ago. You can give the baby the bacteria to cause cavities and gum disease so I am making sure I dont share utensils or kiss my baby on the lips! My husband and I don’t have herpes (we tested) and I would be so upset if I accidentally caught it. I know a lot of people have it, but why should I expose myself or my baby unnecessarily to this virus?

I don’t think the OP is being unreasonable l I have coldsores and they’re a bloody nightmare and can transfer to elsewhere! I’d be fuming if my mil concealed coldsores then kissed my baby. It’s wrong. She’d be saddling the child with a lifelong condition. It’s not some insignificant thing.

The cavities thing I’ve read on here before, you definitely shouldn’t feed a baby from your own fork.

Quite a lot of American households are fine about having kids in close proximity to firearms. Cant imagine they'd be too worried about a few cold sores.

Babies do pick up the bacteria that cause dental caries from others. However, life is all about balance. Children whose caregivers suck their soothers to clean them (after the soother falls on the ground for example) actually have lower levels of IgE than children whose soothers are scrupulously cleaned in boiling water. This is thought to be protective against allergies and asthma. I always think that what's good for the teeth isn't necessarily good for the body as a whole. Eating lots of fruit is healthy for your body but bad for your teeth too. We have to find a balance in there somewhere.

If babies are this fragile I’m surprised any of us are alive. Please get some therapy.

@lettuceplants

Then you will be aware that there is research that support this. This is not about 'catching' rotten teeth but the spread of specific bacteria.

Are you saying that you have research that contradicts this research? I'm genuinely interested, not trying to be provocative.

ah @Peridotty as a dentist you stand at the opposite position of lettuceplants also a dentist who dismissed my assertion.

Interesting.

I have already stated in this post that bacteria and viruses can spread via utensils etc. But you cannot categorically "catch" dental caries.
It is multifactorial. Fluoride, oral hygiene and sugar consumption must be considered