AIBU to want to be a man rather than a woman because I am so sick of how we get treated?

[anon666]

disclaimer

I feel I need to make an initial statement explaining that this is in no way intended to offend anyone regards their values or views about transgender issues, or to make light of transgender issues. I'm not an expert on the topic, nor do I have any strong views about it, but I have read the Mumsnet pinned guidelines to try to ensure I'm getting it right.

end of disclaimer

NC for this in case it's identifying.

You know, this probably isn't about gender so much as just despair at the expectations society and individuals still place on women to do all the crappy stuff that men seem to be "too important for".

I've spent my life being the one who gets up and makes the cup of tea, the one who sends all the birthday and Christmas presents, who replied to messages about family matters on both sides of the family.

I'm genuinely in despair in my personal life and in conflict with my husband's family all the time because I feel like they seem to see me as his PA and concierge. It's not just them, to be fair, our neighbours do it too. He is very good at shrugging things off and deciding not to bother without communicating that to the person asking him. And that just seems to lead to them mithering me all the time till I either end up arguing with them that they need to talk to him direct, or as a last resort, mithering him myself just so they will get off my case.

I've had enough of him ignoring people such that they decide to come through me to get to him. I've had enough of always being contacted by his enormous matriarchal family about presents, family gatherings, etc etc.

Even neighbours seem to see me only as an extension to him. "Can you ask him...." "Would it be okay if he...."

It sounds bad, but I can't do it any more. I just want to leave this crappy female life behind and start afresh. I find myself wondering if I moved to a different place and acted as a man, would people just leave me alone and stop trying to manipulate me all the time into doing what they want me to do for them, and manoeuvre my husband into place.

I keep thinking what would it be like if people though that we were a pair of gay guys instead of a female / male partnership. I have suggested it to du tonight, that if it doesn't improve then I want to move somewhere new, start afresh, and pretend we are a couple of gay guys - just to see if it helps.

YABU - I don't recognise this happening and it's you that has the problem.

YANBU - life as a woman is really hard work at times, like you described.

You do of course need to change things. It's basically mainly habit. For various reasons, I too have often thought how much I'd like to be a man.

You need to decide whether DH's family receiving gifts is worth the effort to you OP. He obviously isn't going to do it - but that doesn't make it your job. Also, it's very weird that he doesn't even have a mobile for his family to contact him on. What if there is an emergency? I do get a little frustrated when I hear my female friends complain that they do everything when they CHOOSE to do it! If you want to be the caring DIL that organised gifts then own it. Otherwise, just let it go.

Doesn’t he have a phone? Can’t they just text or ring him? I think the trick is to keep redirecting everyone to him and refuse to take stuff on. Be immovable. Have you chatted through easy way he could buy for birthdays - he could buy vouchers for example and bulk buy cards and stamps? Or amazon voucher email.

Let things be a bit shit. You need to let things fall apart completely in order for him to take responsibility. It’s his decision and its ok if gifts and cards aren’t his thing.

No I don’t relate. You can’t blame your ‘people pleaser’ attitude and lack of assertiveness on being a woman as if you physically can’t help it - that in itself is pretty sexist. You’re implying that as a woman it’s only natural that you should behave like a doormat. It isn’t.

It's not so much the fact that you're a woman OP, rather that you've allowed it to happen.
Start saying no.
Neighbour asks you to ask your husband something? Just reply no, but you can ask him if you like.
Husband asks for a cup of tea? No, but you can make yourself one if you like.
And so on.

I meant to type, just reply no, but you can make yourself one if you like.

Sorry not read all replies but op,
Just stop.

Simply just stop.

Let him deal with his family etc.
If the neighbours approach you, come back with "I dont know, you're asking the wrong person, you need to ask/take it up with DP"

Ditto when it comes to family etc.

I gave up answering for others a long time ago. I am much happier. Might put people out of joint for abit, but they get used to it in the end.

Hating being female because you took up a certain role without realising it, is a sad state of affairs. I never hate being a female, because I refuse to be pigeon holed into having to do certain things for other adults... so I just dont

So, op - just stop. Politely, with no apologies. Stop.

@AintNoMaryPoppins

Well luckily in this day and age it appears you can just say you're a man/woman and everyone has to agree that you are!

did smile at this...

Yes op, just say you've become a man, and then stop. Nobody will question it