AIBU to want to be a man rather than a woman because I am so sick of how we get treated?

[anon666]

disclaimer

I feel I need to make an initial statement explaining that this is in no way intended to offend anyone regards their values or views about transgender issues, or to make light of transgender issues. I'm not an expert on the topic, nor do I have any strong views about it, but I have read the Mumsnet pinned guidelines to try to ensure I'm getting it right.

end of disclaimer

NC for this in case it's identifying.

You know, this probably isn't about gender so much as just despair at the expectations society and individuals still place on women to do all the crappy stuff that men seem to be "too important for".

I've spent my life being the one who gets up and makes the cup of tea, the one who sends all the birthday and Christmas presents, who replied to messages about family matters on both sides of the family.

I'm genuinely in despair in my personal life and in conflict with my husband's family all the time because I feel like they seem to see me as his PA and concierge. It's not just them, to be fair, our neighbours do it too. He is very good at shrugging things off and deciding not to bother without communicating that to the person asking him. And that just seems to lead to them mithering me all the time till I either end up arguing with them that they need to talk to him direct, or as a last resort, mithering him myself just so they will get off my case.

I've had enough of him ignoring people such that they decide to come through me to get to him. I've had enough of always being contacted by his enormous matriarchal family about presents, family gatherings, etc etc.

Even neighbours seem to see me only as an extension to him. "Can you ask him...." "Would it be okay if he...."

It sounds bad, but I can't do it any more. I just want to leave this crappy female life behind and start afresh. I find myself wondering if I moved to a different place and acted as a man, would people just leave me alone and stop trying to manipulate me all the time into doing what they want me to do for them, and manoeuvre my husband into place.

I keep thinking what would it be like if people though that we were a pair of gay guys instead of a female / male partnership. I have suggested it to du tonight, that if it doesn't improve then I want to move somewhere new, start afresh, and pretend we are a couple of gay guys - just to see if it helps.

YABU - I don't recognise this happening and it's you that has the problem.

YANBU - life as a woman is really hard work at times, like you described.

YANBU OP.

This thread is going to go well!

Alternatively, you could just develop some assertiveness skills.

Oh no, @Gingerkittykat, have I said something triggering do you think? Who to?

How would assertiveness skills help? With telling people to f off?

It sounds bad, but I can't do it any more. I just want to leave this crappy female life behind

Depends on whether you want to be a doormat or not.

Even neighbours seem to see me only as an extension to him. "Can you ask him...." "Would it be okay if he...."
What's that even in relation to? Context needed.

I've spent my life being the one who sends all the birthday and Christmas presents, who replied to messages about family matters on both sides of the family

So change it.
I've got a right traditional mum who's like "if I didn't send out cards on Mothers Day, birthdays, she wouldn't get any!"
Me - love Dad lots, but surely it's his mum, make him step up?
I'm more like it's not my bloody fault lol!
I could quite easily send cards but don't as surely that's up to him.
Does he send cards to my mum's birthday?
No.
I do it.
Why is it anyway different the other way round?

The thing is, even if you pretended to be a man, wouldn't your husband still treat you in the same way as now anyway?

Why not just stop feeling obligated to do everyone else's running around? You can just say no.

I was like you but then I decided to redirect DH related things to DH. It took about a year to retrain everyone. Along the way I also had to learn the art of letting things go wrong.

Sounds like a relationship problem more then a female problem. If you don’t want to do those things then change it.

I’m completely happy being female, I’m like the role I have. I think life is just as hard as a man.

It sounds bad, but I can't do it any more. I just want to leave this crappy female life behind.

That doesnt sound bad Lemonade, it sounds understandable. And it isnt about wanting to be a doormat. No one wants to be a doormat. Sometimes it can look like the best option to women.

YABU that has never been my life as a woman. DH and I have been together 27 years and never once have I written a card or bought a gift for his side of the family, that is his responsibility.

As for making a cuppa in the morning, it is whoever is up first does it, it's not decided by who has a vagina or penis.

I don't have a mobile phone or any contact details of his family, if they want him, they contact him directly and same with mine.

My marriage is a reflection of my late parents, a real partnership. My Mum was a strong woman who taught all 3 of her girls to take no shit and see ourselves as equal. I've never felt a lesser person because of my sex.

So when asked ‘can you organise X or ask DH x’ id say best text him as I’ll forget. Then intentionally forget and not pass info on.

Gifts wise I’d pass the birthday list on to DH and let his relatives know that your passing gift organisation over to him. Be honest and
Say you’re finding it a bit too much at the moment

Stop buying cards and gifts for his family. He’s got arms and legs and is a grown up, he can do it himself.
My dh gets up earlier than me, so I get tea if he hasn’t left. He makes his own lunch. I do the weekly shop as every single time he comes the food bill skyrockets, so he stays home with dds.
Dh speaks to his parents. I’m not his secretary.
I do my laundry and dds (because the whites will turn grey), he does his own laundry.
It’s not about being female, your dh’s défective and needs a kick up the proverbial.

Oh and it's not that you want to be a man OP. It's that you want to have a best friend wife.

Alternatively, you could just develop some assertiveness skills.

I agree. You do all these things because you have allowed the people in your life to expect and demand you do these tasks. Why? Do you live in a country/society where women have no rights or voice whatsoever? Are you blaming the world at large for marrying a misogynistic man? Apparently you chose to. Why?

As for living a "crappy female life", speak for yourself. This has not been my experience.

@anon666

Oh no, *@Gingerkittykat*, have I said something triggering do you think? Who to?

There's nothing triggering, in fact it's pretty amusing.

I'm sure there's no intention on your part to be goady!

And, yes, telling people to fuck off would be a good start.

How would assertiveness skills help?

You really don't know or can't even imagine how? BTW, being assertive in no way means you have to tell people to "fuck off."

If someone treats you as your DHs PA, just say 'here's his number, ask him yourself'.

Let him deal with his family, sort their cards and presents, make the social arrangements etc. It appears that you have chosen to take these tasks on, and are now complaining about it, no need to tell anyone to fuck off, you just need to stop doing things for him.

His family can expect you to continue engaging in wifework as much as they like, it doesn't mean that you have to comply. If they ring you about something, direct them to DH or tell them I'll discuss with DH and he'll get back to you'. And let him sort it, whatever it is.

Please don’t lump me In with how “we get treated”

I don’t get “treated”by the men in my life (family, friends, acquaintances). I have relationships or interactions with them and I’m generally very happy, comfortable and satisfied!

I love being a woman

I'm a woman and don't identify at all with your situation. This is not happening because you are a woman. It's happening because you've accepted your role as a doormat.

Change it!

None of these issues are male/female ones , they are caused by poor boundaries. As others have said pass these issues direct to your husband.

You have a DH problem.
Not everyone does, some of us are married to men who act like adults.

@Saltystraw

Sounds like a relationship problem more then a female problem. If you don’t want to do those things then change it.

I’m completely happy being female, I’m like the role I have. I think life is just as hard as a man.

In what way is life just as hard for men? Fear of violence? Less power and pay in the workplace? Discrimination against them? Rife sexism and misogyny? (male version of). Domestic labour and childcare expectations? Pornification having an adverse effect on them?

People treat you like this because you let them, it's nothing to do with being a woman.

Tell DH that you'll not be taking on the mental load anymore so if his family are to have cards and gifts that's on him.

If people ask you to pass something onto DH pass them his number so they can ask him themselves next time.

I've had to do it, it's liberating.