AIBU to want to be a man rather than a woman because I am so sick of how we get treated?

[anon666]

disclaimer

I feel I need to make an initial statement explaining that this is in no way intended to offend anyone regards their values or views about transgender issues, or to make light of transgender issues. I'm not an expert on the topic, nor do I have any strong views about it, but I have read the Mumsnet pinned guidelines to try to ensure I'm getting it right.

end of disclaimer

NC for this in case it's identifying.

You know, this probably isn't about gender so much as just despair at the expectations society and individuals still place on women to do all the crappy stuff that men seem to be "too important for".

I've spent my life being the one who gets up and makes the cup of tea, the one who sends all the birthday and Christmas presents, who replied to messages about family matters on both sides of the family.

I'm genuinely in despair in my personal life and in conflict with my husband's family all the time because I feel like they seem to see me as his PA and concierge. It's not just them, to be fair, our neighbours do it too. He is very good at shrugging things off and deciding not to bother without communicating that to the person asking him. And that just seems to lead to them mithering me all the time till I either end up arguing with them that they need to talk to him direct, or as a last resort, mithering him myself just so they will get off my case.

I've had enough of him ignoring people such that they decide to come through me to get to him. I've had enough of always being contacted by his enormous matriarchal family about presents, family gatherings, etc etc.

Even neighbours seem to see me only as an extension to him. "Can you ask him...." "Would it be okay if he...."

It sounds bad, but I can't do it any more. I just want to leave this crappy female life behind and start afresh. I find myself wondering if I moved to a different place and acted as a man, would people just leave me alone and stop trying to manipulate me all the time into doing what they want me to do for them, and manoeuvre my husband into place.

I keep thinking what would it be like if people though that we were a pair of gay guys instead of a female / male partnership. I have suggested it to du tonight, that if it doesn't improve then I want to move somewhere new, start afresh, and pretend we are a couple of gay guys - just to see if it helps.

YABU - I don't recognise this happening and it's you that has the problem.

YANBU - life as a woman is really hard work at times, like you described.

OP, if that is your genuine opinion of your DH then there is only one solution. Divorce.

If it's the red mist speaking then I would suggest with every task think will this cause big hassle to me? E.g. I put DH's passport away safely because I don't want to go on holiday with him and he can't find it, but if the insurance expires on his car or he hasn't any clean socks...meh. With gifts etc I buy them IF I like the person and if they normally remember my birthday and I sign them from me. Because they are from me!

With neighbours, headphones and take up jogging.

neighbours in dispute, and in virtual isolation having spoken to no-one in years

Eh? Why is this anything to do with your dh?

I made it very clear I wouldn't be responsible for dps family gifts and social organising right at the begining of our relationship. It's been 10 years, if his family don't get birthday cards so be it, not my circus, not my monkeys.

So people who don't know your dh well enough to have his phone number are asking him for a favour?
Tell your dh's family that he is now solely responsible for presents/cards and that as he probably won't send any unless hassled by them they should feel free to not send cards/presents also.

That sounds like a really good plan, anon
Hard work to change your mindset but hopefully beneficial in the long run. I'd be interested to know how you get on

Your DH just sounds like a bit of a dick.

I do not relate to.your experience at all.

Maybe you just need a better OH

Funnily it was after DM died (at a ripe old age) that I suddenly thought I am going to do what I want and I can happily live with any comments or criticisms from anyone. Shame I hadn't done it years before.
Most people don't make comments or criticisms.
You need to give some thought to it and decide what you want to do that makes you happy and does not make you feel USED and UNAPPRECIATED. It takes a while as you have automatically thought the other way all your life.
I would may send a card with a JLewis voucher to everyone, buy all the cards in Jan and mail as and when birthdays come round. That way you avoid the guilt for being 'selfish' which is the problem for many women. Ditto with other stuff. Give it some thought. YOU matter too you know.

Well luckily in this day and age it appears you can just say you're a man/woman and everyone has to agree that you are!

But seriously though, you need a better OH by the sounds of it. YANBU to feel fed up, but your partner sounds like a dick.

DH is selfish like this, But I am too much the other way. i hate buying presents as i worry they won't like it. DH's DM was like him so it isn't only men.

I find more traditionally "feminine" behaviour is expected of women who look/sound/act more "traditionally feminine" - and the opprobrium and punishment is greater for lack of adherence.

"Bitch", "stuck up", "cold", "who does she think she is", "unlikable", etc etc.

I think that some women are able to pull off "strong and independent" with less condemnation and loss of friends than others. It is what it is.

So OP, I get it. It's tough and easy to get completely fed up with the expectations - which come with harsh consequences if you fail to meet them.

Identifying - I don’t think so.

I've made everyone in dh's family sound like arseholes.

They're not, they are in my experience very normal, I think he is the problem. They get very frustrated with his lack of uptake and responsiveness and I think are coming to me as a last resort.

I get it, I don't have to pick it up. But I like them, they are great. I don't want us to alienate them, I don't want to leave them hanging all the time. I guess that leaves me with three choices

1. not accept dh's behaviour - explain its a deal-breaker for me
2. go on willingly doing all this stuff
3. decide that I have to lose or weaken those relationships.

I am a people pleaser, clearly. My mum brought us up that way. I hope I don't inadvertently transfer that down to my daughters. I definitely see this as a feminist issue, but it sounds like other people have successfully challenged this in their lives.

I've spent my life being the one who sends all the birthday and Christmas presents, who replied to messages about family matters on both sides of the family

I've got to say I don't understand this one. I have never sent the in-laws birthday or Christmas cards. That's DH's job. It's my job to send them to my side of the family. I very occasionally buy MIL a present, just as he has very occasionally bought my mum a present if we are out somewhere and spot something we think they will like. But generally we take responsibility for our own families.

If you do all the "wife work" then stop. Tell your other half to get off his lazy bottom and do it.

His view is that he doesn't want to do this stuff, so he doesn't bother. So in his world, no-one, nieces nephews, parents etc would not get cards and presents for birthdays or Christmas. Neighbours requests would just remain unanswered and ignored. People could try for months to contact him without success.

If he doesn't care, you're not doing this stuff for him, you're doing it for yourself. You have decided to take on burdens that he has decided are not worth the effort. This isn't his fault.

1. Get rid of him.

It's you who is accepting how you are acting and responding to other people's treatment of you.

Me and my DH both work full time and we share out tasks depending on our capacity.

I often buy presents as I do shopping while I travel to work but don't send out cards for his family.

I don't call his family to see how they are on check on them etc as I don't expect him to check on mine but I do care about my in-laws so often bake extra for them or but them something if I see it.

For Father's Day if I'm in the shop buying my dads card and presents and I may buy something for his dad but that's because we are a team and we work together to get tasks / chores done at home.

Women are kick ass. I'm a proud woman. You have a Dh problem. Mine does his equal share. Sometimes more if I need him to and same for me if he needs it.

It is a feminist issue.

I am not a people pleaser but I very fortunately met an incredibly enlightened girl when I was just nine years old. We were all in the same year at school, this nine year old really pointed out the inequality of it all and we started our own little feminist club, we didn’t know the word. The club got banned as we got grassed up, it was the war against boys club. A few months later her family emigrated, her Father worked for the civil service and was posted abroad. This was the 1970’s.

So I have spent my entire life doing what I want but you know it’s not just the men who don’t like it some of my most virulent critics have been other women.

Never once have I wanted to be a man, they overall have it easier I do agree.

You have a massive DH problem though.

your previous update was better OP.
You may have to start small and work up but you need to be clear to DH that you are not going to do all the "wife work".

Or you could get your mum to send him a text to say "don't forget it's anon's dad's birthday next week, be a love and remind her to send him a card" (fighting fire with fire - but you need him to get a similar level of bombardment to make it work)

Step by step - also PP are right - no excuses, no apologies, no explanations. So in aswer to "MIL's birthday, get him to send a card" you reply "remind him, thanks"

Good luck!

The reality is that I have nearly left him so many times over this. He is a selfish workaholic who doesn't see it as his responsibility to do most stuff to do with the family.

Since having kids its been a constant source of conflict. I'm always the one people contact about everything because he keeps his life simple by stonewalling it all, leaving it to come to me.

I've come very, very close to leaving, but have stayed for the kids. They are now teenagers. I have perhaps another four years to go before they could leave and we could split our resources and go our separate ways.

I think the difference between the life I'm prepared to live and the life that I have with him is too big. Its been all compromise and adjustment my side, and very little on his. He actually used as an example that he gets his mum a birthday card these days - as in "what a hero I am".

I've had enough. I either want someone responsive to the world around them and the family needs or no-one. Almost certainly I want no-one - I can't see myself being able to tolerate any man. I genuinely do see this as a male/female thing, even though some posters are saying it's not. It is, it is "wife work" and I personally know countless couples, the majority in fact, where this is the balance.

I admire and respect those women who have fought back, set their boundaries and stuck to them. I'm sure it took effort and bravery. But I have not had that spirit yet, and because I haven't established that same break with traditional gender roles is something I will acknowledge but not blame myself entirely.

if your children are teenagers you can start your pushback now. You can definitely make the break with gender roles immediately - think of the example you're setting your DCs. Are any of them girls? Do you want this for them?

You don't have a DH problem, you don't have a woman problem, you have a you problem!

Learn some assertiveness skills!

agree with under. The problem is entirely you. You get what you accept!
I love being a woman, my dh is an equal partner and I feel very much valued.
You continue plodding alongside your dh, accepting your role and no wonder people treat you that way.
You need to become assertive, know your worth and never accept anything less than that.

Ok, that sounds bad. Do you want to retire with this guy? I'd be wary of 'staying for the children'. It can be distressing for young adults to think their family life was fake.