To consider moving now we no longer need parents for childcare?

[LaceCurtains]

We moved to this house when DC were 1 & 3. It's a few doors away from my DPs, which has been lovely.

Parents had DC 2 days pw when they were small, collected them from school when I was working, as they got older DC could pop round the corner on their own and even now, as older teens/adults they often go round for their tea .

We didn't buy the house because of childcare, there were other reasons this was the right place for us at the time, but it certainly worked out well in that respect. DPs have always respected our privacy but been there at the drop of a hat when needed. We've been very lucky.

DH and I are now starting to think about where we might spend our retirement. I feel very guilty at the prospect of moving away from DPs just as they're approaching a time (they're now late 70s) when they might need us more than we need them.

We wouldn't be going far but a drive rather than a very short walk.

My sister moved 200 miles away years ago, so even if we do move, I'll still be by far the closest, so any help they need will still fall to me, which is another consideration, as it might still make my life easier to be just round the corner.

I'm feeling very torn.

Of course Jingling. I'm guessing you visit regularly but what, maybe once a month?

I'm thinking of a time when they may need me to pop in daily.

@Elieza do you live next door to your mum I live in Barnsley my mum Sheffield it's a 20 min drive inlaws 15 mins. Why are you saying a 10 min drive is outrageous

@Healthyandhappy I don’t recall saying anything was ‘outrageous’.

I am personally praying that one of my dc will be on the doorstep when I'm elderly. Chances are I will be alone (dh a lot older than me) and as selfish as it is, I think I would depend on nigh on daily visits from family. I live in a village where a lot of families live just around the corner from their elderly parents (within walking distance). I'm hoping the same will happen for me. But as others have said, a short drive is nowhere near as awful as dc living on another continent (I know someone in this position). I live in a large property - the possibility of moving somewhere with a granny annexe wouldn't be out of the question, if dc are willing to agree to this arrangement (this doesn't mean that I wouldn't organise my own care and attend activities individually, I wouldn't want to be a burden) but I see nothing wrong in hoping for daily visits.

I think 15 mins is a no brainer. it's not really moving away. if you have to you'd pop over no trouble.

Does your DH have a view on this? So many posters talk here about needing to be 5 mins away from parents, but I wonder how they'd feel if their DH insisted that they couldn't retire to a nicer place just 15 mins drive away because he wanted to be next door to his parents. I think that it should be a family decision.

I think it would be shittty.

My SIL was the ultimate parasite adult child (demanding housing, cars, childcare and money) and now her kids are grown has moved hundreds of miles away.

MIL chose to spoil her princess and has now been left in old age.

Her other children have decided not to step up, after missing out on MIL's time and money - Golden Child was never going too either.

You stayed close when you needed them but want to move at the point that they will need you.

Yeah, I’d feel guilty about doing that.

@LaceCurtains No I don't do a 600 mile round trip once a month! (I'm in my 60s). I have commitments (work) and that kind of journey necessitates at least a 3 day stay.

I don't really understand your concern.

How can a car drive of 10- 15 minutes be an issue? It's literally minutes. Takes me that long to get to a main road from my home.

If either parent ever needed constant care, you would most likely have to get carers in for some of the time. Unless you see yourself doing personal care 4 x a day, day in day out. You may be able to offer that, I don't know.

I guess you are northern where it's a very common thing for daughters to live in the same road as their parents - not so much elsewhere in the country where people's jobs take them further afield.

From the other side, as a parent of adults, I would never expect payback in old age. If I ever gave up my time to help with childcare, I'd not look at that as insurance for them to stick around for my old age, on the doorstep.
I'm sure your parents do not expect you to care for them IF it's ever needed.

You are if I may say, looking at this very negatively.
Not all elderly people need hands-on daily care. If it gets that bad, then it's usually medical care, with nurses, either at home or in a care home.

Sorry I meant to add that when you said 'move' I assumed it was at least an hour's trip and possibly much more.

I'd consider 30 mins to an hour a do-able distance to drive to see an elderly parent once a day if absolutely necessary.

This is really more about your idea of what you can cope with than your parents' needs. Are you saying that 10-15 mins in the car is a big issue for you even if it were daily?

I haven't read it all but might they fancy moving too you could choose an area together and then decide on your own home choices relatively close by, if your moving to a cheaper area they may also benefit from that too extra in the pension pot, or a couple of holidays they wouldn't normally afford, could be the solution for you all.

JinglingHellsBells ah it's strange how we get perceptions. My mum is from the North but moved 3 hours from her parents when newly married and before I was born. When her mother was elderly my parents were doing the 6 hour round trip every 3 weeks (mum has two other siblings who lived at similar distances, so someone visited every weekend). That took its toll, on my Dad, particularly as he did the driving and wasn't young himself by that point. I am very much a Southerner, but if I'm able, I'd be happy to pop in and check on them daily should they need it.

@cassellflaw @MintyMabel did you not see the many messages where it's mentioned that the OP is looking at moving only a 10-15 min drive away? For most people that would be considered extremely close.

Perhaps parents would like to move too?

10-15 min drive away is fine. If you are thinking that you may be providing, or want to have the option of providing, regular assistance to your parents at some point, I'd suggest not more that half an hour away (and figure in rush hour traffic). My parents are 20min away which is fine, in laws are 50 min away and that makes a big difference to the amount of effort involved (luckily Bil/Sil live closer to them).

If it is so easy, why haven’t your parents moved in with you? Why was it only your DSis who was worried about them?*

Because I live in another country. I'm very grateful to my dsis for taking on the caring role and she does not resent me for living far away. That's just the way it worked out. She worried day to day because she was the one doing the day to day looking after. If I lived nearer or they wanted to move country I'd have been happy to have them. None of our family see looking after our loved ones as a burden. My dgparents lived next door when I was growing up. Everyone benefits.

I wonder, given you live so close to them and are thinking to move to a cheaper area to release equity, might it make sense if they were to consider moving too? Presumably they also don't need the expensive location themselves and could likewise release some equity, so you could find properties around the corner from one another in the cheaper area? Obviously only if they want to, and they might well be too attached to their current home to want to countenance the upheaval.

It's so difficult to predict the future. It might be that you move and can still support your parents well, but if your vision deteriorates in a way that can't be easily corrected with glasses and you suddenly can't drive, then you might as well be 200 miles away.

I thought I lived close to my parents (mum 10 mins drive away, dad 20 mins drive away) but turns out that according to this thread I might as well live in Outer Mongolia!! Ridiculous.

What a bizarre thread. OP hand-wringing about a ten minute drive to see her parents???????

I drive further than that twice a day to drop my children at school!

I think that this is clearly rude. It's your choice and you can do whatever you wish - but it's definitely rude. There's an unspoken agreement, called manners, that when you rely on someone for that long for that much that you'll be there for them if/when the tables are turned. You do whatever makes you happy, but I think you should probably feel a little bit guilty too.

I've just re-read and changed my mind. If you're within half an hour then I think you're all good. I'd say you owe them help and support but you're not obliged to be joined at the hip.