To consider moving now we no longer need parents for childcare?

[LaceCurtains]

We moved to this house when DC were 1 & 3. It's a few doors away from my DPs, which has been lovely.

Parents had DC 2 days pw when they were small, collected them from school when I was working, as they got older DC could pop round the corner on their own and even now, as older teens/adults they often go round for their tea .

We didn't buy the house because of childcare, there were other reasons this was the right place for us at the time, but it certainly worked out well in that respect. DPs have always respected our privacy but been there at the drop of a hat when needed. We've been very lucky.

DH and I are now starting to think about where we might spend our retirement. I feel very guilty at the prospect of moving away from DPs just as they're approaching a time (they're now late 70s) when they might need us more than we need them.

We wouldn't be going far but a drive rather than a very short walk.

My sister moved 200 miles away years ago, so even if we do move, I'll still be by far the closest, so any help they need will still fall to me, which is another consideration, as it might still make my life easier to be just round the corner.

I'm feeling very torn.

I do understand why some people are saying that what you are proposing is unfair to your parents, after they have given you so much help. But in all honesty, caring for a grandchild is simply not comparable to caring for an elderly relative. Looking after young children may be tiring, but assuming it is in the context of good family relationships and good health, it is likely to be something that is likely to be enjoyable and deeply rewarding for the grandparents. After all, MN is full of stories of overbearing grandparents fighting to get more time with their grandchildren!

Providing care needs for an ageing parent is completely different, and I don't think you should feel under any greater obligation here because of the fact they have helped you with childcare. Of course you would want to me considerate of their needs (and it sounds like you will be) but I wouldn't let (misplaced, imo) guilt about the childcare issue influence your decisions.

If you only see them once a week and both your children will able to drive as well, I don't see the problem of a 5 min drive. It just becomes your new normal.

Honestly I think everyone who says that you're selfish and deserve to give up autonomy in your own life for an undetermined amount of time need to take a look a themselves because that is a completely bonkers attitude . You're moving 10/15 minutes away FFS.

LaceCurtains you should do what is best for your immediate family. Clearly you have a good relationship with your parents and care for them; that is not going to change. But your first priority has to be your husband and children.

You can still look after your parents to the best of your ability in your new circumstances. It sounds as it you'll still be geographically fairly close. I moved away from my parents who are in their eighties but I still provide a lot of care by eg getting them online shopping, by setting them up with an online pharmacy, by eg researching and buying light garden tools as their current ones are too heavy. The list goes on and I certainly provide more for them than a sibling who lives closer.

I should add that there will be times when you will wish you were closer, I know I do. There will be a time eg when one parent is in hospital and maybe you won't be able to visit every day. You have to think through the issues and decide what you feel comfortable with.

I think your background also has an effect. My parents had moved away from all other family so I was brought up without close contact with grandparents aunts uncles and cousins. This has definitely effected my way of thinking. Would your parents be very shocked if you moved away? Have they and you always come from that area?

You have a really good relationship with your family. Regardless of how much they helped you, the bond seems amazing and respectful especially living so close to each other.
As a Muslim we are always taught to treat our parents in our old age like they did with us when we were small and couldn't fend for ourselves. In your case they even helped with your children so that's two times.
Even if they didn't help with our children, it is a duty (for us, in our religion) to take care of them in our old age.

Your parents seem very understanding. I would have a chat with them and make the suggestion of moving to wherever you plan to move to and then ask them if they'd be okay with that or would it be too out of the way? Tell them to think about it and be honest with you as they have helped you so much and you respect them as the loving people they are.

It may be that they don't mind at all, maybe they will but tell them to think about it.

I know with my own siblings etc when they moved a very short drive away it still wasn't as easy popping over and it would be quite sad if that affected your parents who may miss the company.
I'm not saying you are obliged to stay there but sometimes the reality of moving even a short drive away is very different.

The best people to talk about it with is them.

To consider moving now we no longer need parents for childcare?

I'll be honest, that sounds awful @LaceCurtains

It sounds like you've used your parents and now they're aren't useful to you anymore, you're off. I would feel very hurt in their shoes.

Very few people live a few minutes walk from their parents. I can think of more people who live in a different continent from their parents than live round the corner from them!

OP, you and family have a good relationship with your parents. I’d start to talk to them about your plans - and ask what their plans are as they get older. They might also be thinking about making changes, and wondering how to broach the subject with you!

I feel it is a little unkind to move now when they are the age they are. You have benefitted massively from having them close, and your children have gained from having such a lovely relationship and I would see you supporting them through older age while waiting for the move you want as fair tbh.

However, since it is still close by then I think the kindest thing to do is talk to them about it so they aren't shocked or disappointed.

We currently live 15-20 minutes by car from my in laws. They are mid 70's and no longer drive. They are currently fit and well. DH wants to move but won't consider it while they are alive. They have a son but if they need anything I accept it will fall to us and I feel that is the least we can do after all they do for us.

It's fine to move but I would want to ensure that they know they can come and stay some times, that you will visit regularly and that if they needed care you can cope. I'm 3 hours from my parents, we cope!

Personally I wouldn't, if your dc still go for dinner and etc even as older teens/adults then this is their way of life. Moving away will in time stop that if not straight away, even though your parents have each other they will be that bit lonelier and when one passes away it will be very hard on the surviving parent.

For all you know they might have planned the same to move away to retire but then you moved near by and they stayed to support you bringing up your children who are now a big part of their lifes.

Please don't abandon them now you have no need for them, they need you now even without old age hell being required.

Live life to the full and move house

I think the thread title is unfortunate and makes you sound very selfish. This is not the case and I agree that you need to do what's right for your immediate family - the fact you no longer need the child care is incidental and not the driving force!

How are they placed financially? I’m thinking that moving and freeing up equity could also enable you to help them out with things like cleaners, gardeners, drop in carers etc. Of course, that only applies if a) they don’t have the money for this anyay and b) you don’t spend all the freed up cash on yourselves... :)

They are very well placed financially. There's nothing I can do for them they couldn't pay for but that,of course, is not the same.

We'd only be 10/15 mins drive away, so I'd be going whenever they needed me to anyway but that's a lot if you have to do it frequently

It’s really not. I live two hours from my parents and manage to see them very regularly.

I don’t really get all the angst about this over a house move to 10 mins away!

Actually, it's only just come to mind but if I told them we needed to move so DH could retire, they might even give us some money, with half an eye on inheritance tax "management" but I don't want that.

Spoketoosoon, I was thinking of frequently as in getting calls for help several times a week.

I would agree that you would appear selfish if you were moving hours away, or to another country after having used them for childcare.

I can’t see how 10/15 minutes away will be a problem at all though?

Seriously , I can't get over the angst about this either .... Is this normal in AIBU for people to be so single minded and unable to look at the whole picture ? ... I mean .... I honestly don't get it . How many people live on the same street as their parents anyway ? The parents have enjoyed the situation just as much as the OP . I don't get the selfish comments at all.

It's 10/15 minutes away!!!! If you're drinking you can get a taxi to theirs if you have to .... Should you never work or go on holiday in case they need you when you're gone?

I know what people mean about being nearer can end up being more convenient for you as well as them. My mother is very independent 89 year old but she is getting frailer recently. I am a 15 minute drive away and wouldn't want to be further away. At present I am also 20 minutes drive in the opposite direction away from my daughter. I would like to live closer to my daughter but not at the expense of making it more difficult to visit my mother. There have been one or two health scares and some surgery in the last few year and not being too far away has been a huge help in giving her the assistance she needed. Ideally, now she's getting frailer I would like her within walking distance. The concept of a 'pop in' rather than a 'visit' is very appealing. Can be more frequent but at convenient times and without travel factored in, especially in the winter.

My mum came to live with us when dd was quite small. It was good all round; she and dd had such a strong relationship, and mum was always there but she wasn't interfering. Admittedly, we bought a house that had a ready to go Granny Flat.

It may be that as your parents get a bit older they may want to move anyway. They might want to downsize, or even to live in some sort of careful communal arrangement with you. How would you feel if they were to move nearer to you after you have moved? Or if they needed to live with you, as in a Granny Flat sort of arrangement?

When mum came to live with us, I was being immensely selfish as I desperately wanted her to come, just for my own convenience - not because she could baby sit dd, but so that I could be available to mum at the drop of a hat. It made me feel much better that she was right there. Mum came to us, because loved dd, I think and wanted to be close to her.

Why are you framing it that way - surely it is a much a case of wanting to downsize and move now your children are older?

We'd only be 10/15 mins drive away, so I'd be going whenever they needed me to anyway but that's a lot if you have to do it frequently

Oh good heavens!

I am 5 hours away from my mum (I moved straight after university.) Roughly 300 miles. I see her every 2-3 months and she is very old.

I'm sorry but I find it really hard to understand why you are agonising over such a short distance.

Do you really find a drive of 10-15 minutes an issue?

I'm sorry but I think your experience of living so close to your parents has skewed your idea of what is normal for many of us.

If you had to drive for 5 hours on your own on motorway, as I do to see a parent, I'd understand, but 10 minutes? Really?

I couldn’t do that to my parents if they were thinking I’d be there for them in later life like they were there for me. I’d want to be close too as it would be easier for me to care for them.

You need to talk to them about how they are feeling about their house. It could be they want to downsize or move to a bungalow but were putting it off to stay near you. But once they find out you’re considering a move they’re happy as they can too?

But If they want to give you money to stay where you are so you can help them in their frail old age I’d take it. It will be yours at some point anyway, why not now.

If they want a move too then you all up sticks and go while they are still able.

What you don’t want us to feel bad when one dies and the other is alone and lonely, unable to pop round to yours for a cuppa as you’re too far away to walk and they can no longer drive. I couldn’t live with myself knowing I’d let my parent down like that.