To consider moving now we no longer need parents for childcare?

[LaceCurtains]

We moved to this house when DC were 1 & 3. It's a few doors away from my DPs, which has been lovely.

Parents had DC 2 days pw when they were small, collected them from school when I was working, as they got older DC could pop round the corner on their own and even now, as older teens/adults they often go round for their tea .

We didn't buy the house because of childcare, there were other reasons this was the right place for us at the time, but it certainly worked out well in that respect. DPs have always respected our privacy but been there at the drop of a hat when needed. We've been very lucky.

DH and I are now starting to think about where we might spend our retirement. I feel very guilty at the prospect of moving away from DPs just as they're approaching a time (they're now late 70s) when they might need us more than we need them.

We wouldn't be going far but a drive rather than a very short walk.

My sister moved 200 miles away years ago, so even if we do move, I'll still be by far the closest, so any help they need will still fall to me, which is another consideration, as it might still make my life easier to be just round the corner.

I'm feeling very torn.

why cant u just release equity and still stay where you are? is it because you dont want a mortgage anymore

How old are dc? Did you say they were already working?

I would just caution that it's much easier to live very close to dp when they eventually do need help. My sister lived close ish to our dp and eventually moved them into her house as it was easier than driving round 2-3 times a day.

They will need you more in the future, and you will want to help them. I would say if you can stay within a 10 min drive that would be fine.

Not much point releasing equity to increase retirement income if you then have to pay interest on it, or am I missing something?

It sounds like you would still be very close, so YANBU. It's silly to stay in a house that's too big for you when you could move and release some equity.

How would you feel if they start needing help and you have to drive from preferred location and back every other day? Are there more siblings that can and will help with care? Because I can tell you tgat the commute to elderly parents can get you down once you have to do it for years and years, so factor that in when you choose the location.

Of course you are not being unreasonable. You are not moving to the other end of the country and being a short drive away will not alter the situation. I run a care service and there are many people who do not start needing care until they are well into their 90's - In fact we have just started a case for someone who has managed very well up to now and is 100. I think that provided you keep inver good touch with your parents and are now too far away everything will be fine.

Talk with them about it - ask them not us! If you really want to move somewhere else, you could look for somewhere that has an annexe where they could stay or even move in if they get old and frail.

I would want to give back if my parents had been that helpful. People with hands-on grandparents don't know how lucky they are. It's only kind to return the compliment.

1. You aren’t going far
2. It’s not as if you used them for childcare then are moving as soon as the youngest leaves primary school, sounds like they are late teens?
3. They don’t need a lot of day to day input from you yet, they may never do
4. Your sibling lives 200 miles away and presumably went with a clean conscience
5. You and your children have good relationships with them that will continue
6. There will be a big benefit to your lives from moving

I really don’t see the problem! I think you’d have had different responses if you’d worded your title differently.

You mention an age gap - Is your DP close to your parents age? If so having all three of them nearby might help when you provide care for all of them.

It sounds as though the move would be at the detriment of your children. I think you should consider everyone, not just your DH's need to retire early.

My friend did exactly this and her DM did not take it well at all. She now has dementia and frequently brings it up and cannot understand that they HAD to move for financial reasons. She simply feels abandoned.

That's very sad, but with dementia, her sense of reality is likely to be compromised to the point where, even if they hadn't moved and visited every day, she might still forget every time and worry that they've gone far away from them as she hasn't seen them 'for months' in her mind. It's a horrible state of affairs, but for the poor folk who get dementia, they will frequently worry (even panic) about any circumstances they believe they're in, whether those circumstances reflect reality or not.

Conversely, I have a very elderly and mentally unwell relative who doesn't seem put out that her Granddaughter barely ever sees her, even though 'she lives in the same street as her'. She DID live in the same street nearly 40 years ago, but now lives 4-5 hours' drive away and has children with additional needs, hence she hardly gets to see her. I live closer and get to see her more often, but she still has no concept of when she last saw me.

If you're planning to stay close by OP I don't see why moving to release equity would make your DPs feel abandoned. Not all old people need care and as long as you're only a short distance away it's quite normal to downsize when your DC have grown and flown the nest. I think I'd be explicit with your DPs as to the reason for your move and reassure them that you will still be there to help and support them, if they need it, but don't let guilty feelings prevent you and your DH from moving to a more suitable property. You're allowed to have your own life, as well as being a caring DD to your DPs.

OP, going forward with possible care for your parents, I wouldn't underestimate the convenience of not having to drive, but also the shared load of your children whom would be far more likely to visit regularly if they live close by.

I appreciate you are thinking og your husband, but I would also think of yourself.

Often carer's are run ragged, working, kepping their own home and helping parents. It's a huge load to carry.
Not having to factor in a car journey would be huge.

No, DH isn't that old, he'd still be retiring early.

DS1 is about to leave for the Army. DS2 is on a excellent 4 year apprenticeship, which would be unaffected by the move. It does slightly limit DS's choices for the end of his apprenticeship (would make commuting more difficult) but atm he hopes to stay where he is.

Moving away now that they are going to need you is a big fuck you after using them for childcare all these years 🤨

What's a short drive? I am about a 10-15 minute drive (if that, depending on traffic lights) from my Mum, and if we were closer she'd expect me to be there more.

Reframed as:

Isn’t it great that the DGPs got to live nearby to DGC while they are growing up, and have strong relationships with adult DGC as a result.

Isn’t it great that the DGPs don’t need care at the moment, hopefully never.

Isn’t it great that your DP has the option to retire early, presumably reducing his stress levels and being more healthy as a result.

Isn’t it great that there is a daughter willing to care for the DPs in future, even if it’s more of an inconvenience.

I swear Mumsnet is a bunch of martyrs.

SIL has this predicament. Feeling beholden for all the free childcare on tap over the years. She lives next door to PIL.
We live an hour away and it's cost us thousands. Have never been so glad now tbh. They've thousands in the bank but won't spend it and 'expect' payback.
Surely any parent will want what's best for their DC, whatever age.
I'd move, and make sure you support them setting up cleaners, gardeners, taxi companies etc as needed. Presumably they enjoyed having your DC. Running round after elderly parents is rarely that.

On balance I would move. Your parents sound like my lovely parents: very eager to help without expecting much in return. I have always envisioned returning the favour as they get older.

You have a legitimate financial reason to move and are not moving far. I don’t think a quick car journey will make it more difficult than being a walk around the corner away. The kind of help they need may be help with shopping, appointments etc. so you may be using your car rather than just walking round the corner to visit or provide care.

Following your update on what your dc are doing I would say go for it. They no longer need to be close to dgp and wouldn't be calling over much anyway. The only consideration would be that how difficult it would be to nip over a few times a day when they need more help. Actually maybe they'd just move in with you then. My dsis used to be really worried about our dp even though they were only a short drive away, worried they'd fallen or hadn't eaten. It was easier to move them in.

Your title does come across as rather mercenary OP.

If your new location is near enough to enable you to give help if needed then you don’t have a dilemma and need feel no guilt.

How long by car? If it's a short drive I would say it's perfectly fine

Like you mentioned, your parents are getting older so you may need to start helping a little more. If it's a long drive it may become exhausting for you. It could be a 20 plus years commitment.

Like a PP said, it's not like you moved away as soon as your boys started secondary ….. they haven't needed childcare for years have they.

Do it, as long as you'll be able to help if needed, and not too far away.

My in laws helped with our DCs an awful lot. They're late teens now and we don't have plans to move just yet, but I'm sure my in laws wouldn't mind if we did and wouldn't see it as using them when we needed.

What's "a drive"? 10 mins, 45 mins?
This makes a massive difference.

I am a 20 min drive from my FIL who I have lots of caring responsibilities for. It's hard, but I am a single, full time working parent, which you won't be.

I think saying "I can be over in 1/2hr" is reasonable if you have caring responsibilities, but much more and you cease to become someone they can rely on.