To consider moving now we no longer need parents for childcare?

[LaceCurtains]

We moved to this house when DC were 1 & 3. It's a few doors away from my DPs, which has been lovely.

Parents had DC 2 days pw when they were small, collected them from school when I was working, as they got older DC could pop round the corner on their own and even now, as older teens/adults they often go round for their tea .

We didn't buy the house because of childcare, there were other reasons this was the right place for us at the time, but it certainly worked out well in that respect. DPs have always respected our privacy but been there at the drop of a hat when needed. We've been very lucky.

DH and I are now starting to think about where we might spend our retirement. I feel very guilty at the prospect of moving away from DPs just as they're approaching a time (they're now late 70s) when they might need us more than we need them.

We wouldn't be going far but a drive rather than a very short walk.

My sister moved 200 miles away years ago, so even if we do move, I'll still be by far the closest, so any help they need will still fall to me, which is another consideration, as it might still make my life easier to be just round the corner.

I'm feeling very torn.

Why are you asking on here? The people you need to propose your plans to are your parents. Talk to them, you owe them that courtesy after the many thousands of pounds they have saved you in childcare costs over the years.

Actually maybe they'd just move in with you then. My dsis used to be really worried about our dp even though they were only a short drive away, worried they'd fallen or hadn't eaten. It was easier to move them in

Why would the OP do this?

I have no intention of moving my parents in with me. There are other solutions.

If it is so easy, why haven’t your parents moved in with you? Why was it only your DSis who was worried about them?

to be fair, what do you expect parents to reply? Any normal human being will tell you to go for it. They have been kind enough to take on childcare for years, they will presumably be as kind towards their own children.

It all depends how far is "a drive away".

I don't have any experience of this situation (no children or parents really) , but I would just like to add that I think what you are planning to do sounds completely justified . I think parents who have children to take care of them when they are older should jog on , similarly parents who babysit grandchildren so they are "owed" something should too . Your parents do not sound like these types of parents .

It sounds like you have a good and reciprocal relationship with them . Which is what you are continuing to work on . I think you all sound like a pretty good family truth be told and they would probably hate that you feel torn this way . Speak to them about it . It might make you feel better.

And they probably adored babysitting their grandchildren . I know my gran adored having me stay with her at times .

Don’t underestimate how very convenient it is to be within walking distance once they get older. My parents moved out of London to live near me at my suggestion. When the time came that they became ill and needed my help I can’t tell you how much I gave thanks every day that they were just round the corner. Little things like once my Dad was on his own, phoning him and getting the engaged signal for ages and being able to walk round there and see that he just hadn’t put his phone back in the cradle properly and wasn’t lying on the floor unconscious. I’d give it a lot of careful thought if I were you.

They sound like lovely parents who would hate to think that you feel obliged to stay in a house because of them.

Just talk to them and explain the situation and see what they say.

I don't think that you should base your life around the possibility of having to provide care for them. Anything could happen and you can cross that bridge when you get to it.

@LaceCurtains how far away are you talking?

When my mum became ill (early 70s) I was 20 mins drive away. I had two children under ten of my own and was working part time. Great, sounds like I'd have time to fit it all in. It was hell on earth. I needed to be around for my mum and dad (dad was struggling to cope emotionally and physically as he had not long had surgery). It was a 40 minute round trip and I'd sometimes have to go twice a day. It was not easy and I was only 20 min drive away. Factor in my own children, DH, work, my own home and getting stuck in traffic and it was a bloody nightmare.

In the end after mum died, my dad needed me more and we made the decision that I would leave my job. Made things a little easier but not much to be honest. I would think carefully about where you choose to go, if you really are committed to helping your parents when they need it. I wouldn't have had it any other way btw, they were my parents and I wanted to look after them.

You have to live you life for the now, really. It may be many years before they need help, they may actually never need help! You may need help before them, or die before them, or win the lottery and you all go and live in Tahiti together.

I don’t think they will see it as a fuck you, or that you used them, especially if you have had a close loving family relationship for all these years. They will be happy for your new adventure, and obviously in your mind you will resolve to do whatever you can for them should they need it. No upset or drama necessary, just a lovely extended family all living life as they want to.

My parents live just a few miles away, we moved closer to them a few years ago. They are in their 80s now and I wish we had moved closer to them than we did.

I'm stuck at the moment - we've been trying to move closer to my DPs as they are now getting to the age where they need some support from me.

My horrible neighbour ruined our plans and we had to take the house off the market whilst he is doing his building work ( 3 years now and counting )

They've both now developed some potentially serious health issues and I desperately need to be able to pop over. I can get there normally within 90 mins but as they are in Wales and I'm in England I'm banned from doing so. DD can (and would) get there quicker but she is also in England.

Don't go too far if you do want to be able to help out

My parents were very old and frail for the last few years of their lives. I lived 12 miles from them and it was about 11 too far. That journey added at least an extra 40 minutes to every visit and made looking after them harder and more stressful.

How far away would you move and how long would it take to drive? Do your mum and dad drive? Do they visit you normally?

Having had a phone call the other week when I was ready for bed I was glad I was only a ten minute drive away from DM. However she is in her eighties and alone.

Seems a bit ruthless, now you don’t need them you move away, but if it’s not far, like the next village then it’s fine.

Another thing to think about .... If you wait and your parents health get worse then it would be much more difficult for you to move away . You could effectively be locked down to your current situation until they either go into a home or pass away . When you move all decisions about future care will be made in the premise that you're not just down the road and could make life much more straightforward in the long run . Just a thought .

OP, your parents sound lovely and I am sure the last thing they would want is to stop you doing something that is right for you and your DH.

We all have to make decisions in life. My own mother switched countries to be with my DH. Although I live close to her, she has never put any pressure on us.
My own Dc's are all fledging the nest and if they happen to be close by I would love to look after my grandkids and would quit work to do so. However I would see that as a privilege not something that I would expect them to "Pay back".

I guess what I am trying to say is, just do what is right for you and your family and don't give other people's judgements a second glance.

I think being a short drive away is fine as long as if your parents get to a point they can't drive your ok with going to them and dropping shopping off.

I looked after my gran along with my mum in the last couple of years I am a 5 min drive away about a 15 min walk it did make things much easier that I could pop round in a few mins. The last few months of her life I had several mad dashes when something has happened being able to be there in 5 mins made it easier for me mentally as well as practically.

You said it's a short drive, that sounds totally reasonable to me.

All the posters here saying that it's best to be 5 mins away or under a mile - that can be wonderful, but suggests that they were not working, or working little, or gave it up to care. This is not right for everyone, a read of the Elderly Parents board will show you - although people without this experience can often be very judgmental.

My mum cared for my grandmother and great aunt and after that experience made us promise to put her in a home if needed. Although she loved them both and she felt a strong duty to do it, caring for them and living around the corner meant extra checks and more cooking and cleaning in the early days and then over time to do more and more and to give up a job she enjoyed and which gave financial security, to spend her days fetching lost keys multiple times a day, sorting out scam salesman, cleaning up after toileting accidents. It was so hard, and we saw her suffering, I would never wish it on my children. Hopefully none of this will be true for your family, or maybe you would welcome the chance to care for them, but it's worth considering that a little distance can be helpful too.

It's true we haven't needed childcare for a while but DPs have remained very involved, until Covid really. DS1 would never have passed GCSE maths without the tutoring DF gave him and DS2 had a lot of help from him to get the grades he needed for the (very sought after) apprenticeship. All this help was given willingly and enthusiastically, but there were times when DF was putting in more effort than the boys were! We all know we owe them a lot, although they expect nothing.

Although, actually, it seems most of the benefits of staying are selfish too, to make it easier to pop in when they need it.

We'd only be 10/15 mins drive away, so I'd be going whenever they needed me to anyway but that's a lot if you have to do it frequently.

I can see why you want to move, but I can't see how your parents would see it as anything other that a snub after their years of help. Have you broached the subject with them to see what their thoughts might be? Maybe they will be super understanding about it, or maybe it'll damage your relationship forever - you'll only know which one by talking to them!

I absolutely would not want my children to feel beholden to me and like they had to live just down the road if they wanted to move away.

This is irrespective of whether I help with their children, which I will do if I want to and if it suits me!

I think it's bizarre to think that because someone helped you when you had little kids you are basically stuck next to them their entire lives. They could live to 100 and you would never get the house you would like or to live where you would like!

To repay them for being fantastic grandparents and parents, you can be fully involved in supporting them in older age, whether that be a drive away, having shopping delivered, making the effort, negotiating with social services and carers and just being there in multiple ways. You don't have to live very close to do that.

They are moving 10/15 minutes drive away, not to Australia!

Way to squash your children's dreams. I'm pretty sure they wouldn't want that!

Talk to them about it. See how they feel.

All the posters here saying that it's best to be 5 mins away or under a mile - that can be wonderful, but suggests that they were not working, or working little, or gave it up to care

Wrong, in fact the reverse. I was working full time which was one of the reasons being closer would have been much better for everyone. Every visit to get shopping, do laundry, sort out the carers meant factoring in time for the journey. As for the 4am phone calls because someone had fallen ...
Next door would have been ideal

I'm glad your torn, it would be selfish to just think about yourselves when you have been supported by your parents throughout your married life, saving you multiple thousands on childcare.

you need to look at practicalities and how far you want to be away from them when it comes your turn to care for them.
If caring was down to me I'd want to be as near as possible.