To lose friends over BLM/political views

[SunshineSusan14]

I think I am quite a broad minded person and am happy to accept other people's views even if I don't agree with them but I've been very moved and educated by the BLM. Recently in a group chat of 5 friends they all started harping on about it with lots of passively racist comments - lots of "I'm not racist but..." and some truly vile and uneducated views. I put my point across and it all turned into a bit of a pile on.

I stood my ground as I feel strongly about it but was polite but now I just think do I really want friends who firstly have such terrible views and secondly can't be respectful about other people's points of view? I highly suspect they went on to slag me off in a private chat.

Meant to be meeting for a socially distanced drink later in the week but now I really don't feel like it. My mental health is already suffering right now I know it will be brought up. But if I don't go after not seeing them for so long it will probably send a message that I'm not bothered. Aibu? Have others experienced this?

YANBU

Look after yourself and stand up for what is right.

Everyone has a right to choose/ lose friends
For any reason
You don't need permission from Mumsnet!

No I know I suppose it's just what's more valuable - your friendship or your morals lol.

Most of the time I don't think differences of opinion are worth falling out over, we all have different priorities and lives and that's ok.

However, someone's approach on basic human rights is not one of those things. I don't see how such a fundamental difference in morals can be overcome, I can't respect people who think differently to me on that and so I can't be friends with them.

Not to mention that it doesn't sound like they respect your point of view - so why should you have to accept theirs?

While not as overt as your friends, a couple of mine have been giving out about the protests. "I don't agree with them" type comments portrayed as outrage about the risks of corona virus spread, but I'm not entirely convinced that's the only reason. Liking "all lives matter" stuff on Facebook etc. honestly the two who are doing it don't surprise me really. I just ignore it as trying to argue with these people is utterly pointless. They are part of a wider group of friends which is the only reason I have much to do with them.

If you like some of the friends and they're not all of the same persuasion then I'd go and keep the conversation light. By all means stand up for what you believe is right but I wouldn't actively engage in a debate on this topic with people whose ignorance will never be cured. Pointless waste of energy - conserve your mental health.

@SunshineSusan14

No I know I suppose it's just what's more valuable - your friendship or your morals lol.

YANBU if you put it like that, friendship or morals, it's just what you can live with.

And it is possible to have both together!

I've also dropped a friend in recent years because ultimately we did not share the same moral values. It took me a while to identify what it was about this person that was beginning to make me feel uneasy, but once I could explain it to myself it was easy to understand why I'd grown to dislike them.

People grow and change, as with any relationship you either grow together or apart.

What @Pukkatea said

How boring life would be if we only socialised with clones of ourselves!

Sounds like it's time to find some new friends!

I think you should meet up with friends who add something to your life. I would certainly disagree with racism and don’t hang out with any racists. But it is also important to tolerate different views and to be able to discuss these issues and I certainly have many friends I disagree with on various issues. I’m a bit concerned at the moment that we seem to have been overtaken by dogma and some people think there is only one “right” opinion. So there is a balance to be struck I think.

OP can you give examples of your differing opinions

@Hester54 well in terms of the BLM protests I feel like I understand the nature of white privilege and believe that we should do our bit - be that protesting, raising awareness or simply showing solidarity - to make life more equal everyone. They don't want to acknowledge that white privilege exists and seem to have the view that black people have brought a lot of their own issues on themselves. They also went into depth about the crimes George Flloyd allegedly committed as though this makes his murder somehow more justified. Just terrible stuff really.

We have different political views too but I've always tried to keep that separate from our friendship.

I suppose it depends what was said. If their disagreement was along the lines of @Colom accusing her friends of racism because they're worried about the effects on the pandemic then this is unreasonable, however if the comments were actually racist and you feel there's no room for discussion then there's no need to stay friends.

The thing is, feelings are running high at the moment and I feel like people are being accused of racism because they haven't overtly commented on social media or liked the posts that you think they should. So it depends what your friends actually said or did. Can you give examples?

You are allowed to ditch friends for any reason you wish. You don't need the permission or agreement of MNers.

We normally gravitate to like-minded people. If you have opposing views on things which are of great importance to you, unless you can respect each other's opinions and just agree to differ, then you may find it difficult to stay friends.

It depends on how much you value the relationships. If the pros outweigh the cons, you might wish you'd kept them as friends, especially once things calm down (as they inevitably will, no matter what else happens).

You could tell them that it really bothers you and ask them not to bring it up, or change the subject if they do. If they care for you, they can leave the topic alone during your time together.

Or you can come up with some excuse to avoid them for a while longer. If they drop you for missing a single meet-up, they aren't great friends.

I think as a white person, it can be very hard to except white privilege, Unless you have experienced it first hand, some white people have had a tough upbringing and a bad live with doors shut in their faces because you don’t fit, unfortunately a lot of people arrested do have long criminal records, it doesn’t make it right their treatment, There does seem to be a lot of stabbing in London, mainly non whites, perhaps that what gives them their views

You'll never be able to think of them the same way and I think there are some issues too important to disagree on. It doesn't sound like they will alter their views. So sad as it is probably best to drop them as friends.

YANBU

You don't have to be friends with racists if you don't want to be.

People who think friendships, relationships etc should be entirely independent of politics and opinions on social and cultural issues... I genuinely don't understand how. Do I have some friends who vote differently to me? Sure. Do I have friends who feel very differently to me on major issues? No, they are acquaintances. I respect their right to hold different views, but if I cannot respect the views I cannot respect the holder and I cannot be friends with someone I don't respect. I know a lot of people are scornful about such an approach and believe that it shouldn't matter. That doesn't work for me.

I've had to end a friendship and dds friendship over this,was a quite new friendship but dd really really liked the other little girl and it was a shame but after the mum made a racist remake in our company there was no way I could carry on the association and let my dd believe this was acceptable.

This was last year not in the present climate.

Of course I can be friends who have different political views to mine and with people who are not clones of me. However I have no desire to be friends with anyone who is racist or bigoted.

OP I could have written your post myself. I’ve just left a group whatsapp chat because of this exact reason, I’m similar to you in my views and put that across, but the rest of the group were trying to justify the murder of George Floyd because of his past as well.
The hypocrisy in the chat from them all was astounding. I really can’t be bothered With engaging with them anymore so I left the group and like you, I believe they’ve probably slagged me off once I left.