To lose friends over BLM/political views

[SunshineSusan14]

I think I am quite a broad minded person and am happy to accept other people's views even if I don't agree with them but I've been very moved and educated by the BLM. Recently in a group chat of 5 friends they all started harping on about it with lots of passively racist comments - lots of "I'm not racist but..." and some truly vile and uneducated views. I put my point across and it all turned into a bit of a pile on.

I stood my ground as I feel strongly about it but was polite but now I just think do I really want friends who firstly have such terrible views and secondly can't be respectful about other people's points of view? I highly suspect they went on to slag me off in a private chat.

Meant to be meeting for a socially distanced drink later in the week but now I really don't feel like it. My mental health is already suffering right now I know it will be brought up. But if I don't go after not seeing them for so long it will probably send a message that I'm not bothered. Aibu? Have others experienced this?

This isnt just a small difference of opinion like sports teams and music.

This is basic, fundamental human rights that are systematically violated.

I'd happily die on that hill it is non negotiable that the people I associate with are anti racist.

Coming from a non white background but being white I have had many privileges over family members ( on a holiday with my grandparents they assumed I was being trafficked due to my grandfather and I being of different skin colour)

Its not okay. And we must fight for this.

I've deleted a few off facebook who turned out to be true gammons!

I am friends with a few different ethnicities, and I feel that I'm being two faced if I put up with racism from friends just because it is easier to ignore.

I’ve done similar.

The bit that grates is the “what about...”

This isn’t about denying the shitty treatment of anyone. It’s about the fact that blacks people have had shit treatment and it needs fixing.

Don't hang out with racists OP. To be racist there are certain requirements, ignorance and blind bigotry for starters, together with even more unsavoury beliefs. Don't become like them. Find some decent people.

It's entirely possible to have different opinions on social and political issues and remain friends, that includes on recent protests. However everyone has a moral line that they find difficult or impossible to cross.

For me, I have an acquaintance who is critical of the protests on the grounds that 'not all police'. I really struggle with that because nothing in the current protests is saying that all police murder innocent black people. The fact remains that until innocent black people stop being killed by the police and until the culture within the police force changes so that those bad apples no longer feel empowered to act on their bigotry, there needs to be a movement challenging police (as a class) actions.

Some of what I've read on this topic reminds me of NAMALT cries when people were raising issues of sexism and sexual harassment in the workplace. Obviously not all men are/were sexual predators, but until the culture changed to stop predatory creeps feeling they can harass women in broad daylight there needs to be a movement. Saying NAMALT and 'but what about...' was just trying to shift the focus away from where it needed to be.
Some people are doing the same with Black Lives Matter.

I unfriended someone I knew who posted blatantly Islamaphobic views on Facebook and confronted her by text. She was completely unrepentant about it so we haven't been in touch since. It was sad for my DD1 (then 3) who had been friends with her DD, but only for a short time.

Bigotry of any kind is never justifiable, so I completely agree that YANBU. You confronted your friends and they turned on you, so they're really not your friends at all.

I hear ya
Loud and clear
Just be ‘busy’
Prioritise your MH overall
A lot of eye opening right now

No I know I suppose it's just what's more valuable - your friendship or your morals lol.
Morals every time

I agree to a point what I was unaware of was three (ish) years ago a white man died similar circumstances ( he was off his meds rang 911 for help) they restrained him and joked about him "dying on them" (while he was saying I can't breathe and going limp) the difference is no one protested those men are still in work so I would be lying if I said I was completely blinkered about the situation

I support black lives matter I'm also thinking America has more problems in their police department than we see through the eyes of one man and perhaps when this has calmed down they need to take a look at the people in the streets and just how they deal with the situations regardless of colour

Its really difficult and nobody else can draw the lines of what is acceptable and unacceptable to you. But in my own experience actions speak louder than words. And sometimes people talk shit out of defensiveness or ignorance but actually are very decent people. Examples:

Years ago an old boyfriend made a very stupid joke at a party when his black friend arrived : "ah, here he is! Who invited the black guy?". It was said with irony and warm affection but the friend, pulled him up on it and quietly said he didn't like those jokes. The boyfriend (who is visibly mixed raced himself) tried to excuse it away and it was all very awkward. If I took a snapshot of him at that moment and only saw him in that moment I would wash my hands of him. BUT he never made those kind of jokes again, and managed to keep his friendship with his friend. And later when another black friend had a major immigration problem, the boyfriend gifted him a substantial amount of money to help pay for solicitors. He changed, he grew up, he grew better.

Another example, older lady from church posts an awful lot of stuff on FB, she has no bullshit detector. And in the mix of stuff she shared included one story which was basically a "but what about this white man who was beaten up..." outrage article. Three people commented on the story, trying to correct the thinking on black lives matter. She didn't respond and carried on sharing everything on FB that caught her eye: standing up for autism, seeing eye dogs, old fashioned values... You could easily paint a picture of her as a simple minded, slightly racist old ignorant woman but in real life she volunteers in a charity supporting asylum seekers and has made many friends there who still are in touch with her even years after first arriving in the UK.

Social media and WhatsApp groups rarely show us the whole picture. I have to have hope that people can grow and change their minds.

It depends on what you regard of as "racist" views. I've heard some pretty innocuous things said however folk have really reached and said that the person was being racist.

Unless they were being vile then I personally wouldn't be ending a friendship. However I would perhaps consider ending a friendship with someone who was so intolerant of other peoples views and opinions that they let it affect their personal relationships.

Slippery

I really don't think the protests are just about George Floyd. It's come on top of the pandemic. Trump blatantly doesn't care that 110,000 people have died of COVID-19. Once it was clear that the black community was being disproportionately impacted, he blatantly started calling for the economy to open up again. Unemployment has disproportionately impacted the black community as well. There were other incidents like it too, like when a black man was shot when out jogging.

@Mittens030869

I agree 🤷‍♀️ and again they weren't arrested till someone leaked it on social media and they are still using the suggestion that he was stealing to justify it

I just think it goes further I think we have a massive police problem in America and while a lot is racist I think more might be (might be) systemic like the police think they are above the law they dont need to onry because they enforce and the job attracts a disproportionate amount if racists so its cause and effect again

This latest incident is the tip of the leaf we need to dig out the root

Just to say OP it’s interesting
So I can and do accept some political views
For examples Brexit , voting Tory
I can’t go around hating people who have different views
My Ex however took Brexit very personally , and I can’t blame him ( non UK person)
but this ? It’s shocking
I actually wrote a diary log of the people I can be around because their morals and strong views don’t discomfit me , and the list is shorter and shorter

So as horrible as it is , you are not alone right now

I agree with pukk, I don't mind if people have different political views but sometimes you realise someone has truly abhorrent views on something, eg, human rights, and after that I no longer respect or like them, and it's all I can think about when I see them. So thus we can no longer be friends. I feel the same way about climate change deniers - upon meeting one I know they are too ignorant for me to enjoy spending time with.

Really good post by @fluffiest....people can change but not if they stay in an echo chamber. Some of your friends might be open to listening to your views and changing their opinions...but some of them might never and if it makes you uncomfortable to be around them or if you don't want to be responsible for educating them (which is perfectly fair) it's fine to step back from them.

So long they are truly being racists and not just stating some facts feel free to find new friends. If they are racists they will not want you around anyway.

If they would drop you over your views on a current issue or slag you off behind your back for not going for drinks with them then they don't sound like real friends

My sister has had racists popping out of the woodwork when she has shared her views supporting BLM. It shocked me that the idea of wanting to stop police violence against black people could be something anyone could find objectionable. I suppose racists don't tick like the rest of us?

Depends on how you feel about specific individuals, by if you value the friendship at all then it may be better to try to educate them in the nicest way possible.

*They don't want to admit white privilege exists'
Not very smart are they?
For me friendship is partly (largely?) about shared values.
I don't get all this agree to disagree business. Would you be friends with a BNP member then?
Certain things are not acceptable.

I stood my ground as I feel strongly about it but was polite but now I just think do I really want friends who firstly have such terrible views and secondly can't be respectful about other people's points of view?
Talk about a proxymoron. You accuse them of having terrible views but then say they don't accept yours!

There are some subjects better not discussed amongst friends. This is one of them. I steer away from any sensational discussions in groups be it friends, family or coworkers.

I was once in a similar situation and a black friend felt very strongly that I shouldn't end the friendship. She said similar to newyearnoeu - that they were never going to change their views if they only spoke into an echo chamber, and that BAME people need white people to speak up about injustice to their white friends or nothing ever changes.

It's an excellent point and had me thinking for a long time.

On the other hand, I cut off all contact immediately with the relative who laughed about her soldier son killing "towel heads" during the Iraq war. Some people can't be reasoned with.

If you can't discuss this with friends they aren't friends they are just people you know.

Life is boring if we are surrounded only by clones of ourselves and I am not that person but I also cannot be friends with racist bigots - my friends don't need to share my beliefs but they do need to be fundamentally decent people.